AIBU to disagree with SIL that DD is nasty and violent?

[DitzWithTheTits]

Regular but name-changed.

I'm really upset, need opinions.

DH and I went to visit my brother last weekend with DD(6) and DS(8). Cousins are 9 and 7. They were playing out in the garden and we were all nearby but not actually watching. They were playing some kind of team game in groups of two, the younger two cousins against the older two. We heard a scream and went out to find that DD had thrown a rock at C2 (the 7-year-old) from the top of the climbing frame. I feel absolutely sick about this. He needed 3 stitches in his head (!) and DH locked DD in the car while we all went to A&E.

DD claims they were all playing a game and that she was trying to protect her cousin and to hit her brother (!). She initially seemed to think she was in trouble for hitting the cousin when he was on her side. They had all been playing with the pile of rocks in the garden (all 4 children admit this, they're not out-of-bounds to my nephews).

My SIL is furious. I completely understand. But I don't know if DD really understood what she'd done.

AIBU to think that, at 6, she didn't fully understand how badly she could have hurt her cousin? She seems to have had no idea that throwing something from the top of the climbing frame would hit very hard. Obviously my SIL is right to be really furious but she (and my DH) think that DD was being deliberately bad and violent towards her cousin. I can't help thinking that if she'd thrown the sort of things they play with at home at him (eg. a ball), he'd have been fine and that she doesn't understand the difference. Or am I just making excuses for DD?

Bless you all, thanks so much!

I don't think it occurred to me to think mum and dad should have said anything about it defending me to my aunt - I just felt a bit strange that it never occurred to them that a 6 year old shouldn't be held responsible and said so in private. I grew up in a slightly very odd household and it is good to get a sense of what's normal and what's not.

Have you talked to your parents about this?
Aww many of us have one or two relatives who are complete nutters (I do for sure, my DH's aunt who is a complete cow) and usually it's because their sad and lonely lives are sad and lonely because they dwell on bad things which are ALWAYS someone else's fault.

It's so hard because while you may want to talk back, doing so could cause a row. But maybe it's possible to say, next time it's mentioned, "look, that was 20 years ago. It was an accident. I feel terrible about it and I wish it hadn't happened, but it did and I can't change it. I'm not violent, it was a kid's game which went wrong and I'm really sorry. Please stop mentioning it". Easier said than done of course.

Crikey, kids games nowadays seem to be far too tame compared to when we were kids. We grew up on a farm and I can't tell you what pickles we got into (and we're still alive). My DH told his mum only recently (and he's 46) that when he and his brother were little they'd climb trees near their house, bend over the top and jump to the next tree. She knew that bit. What he told her that was news was that the part they had to be careful of was not getting too close to the electricity pylon next to the trees (eeek).

Hope you can get through it.

My sister recently confessed that the time I thought I'd run into something by accident actually happened because she pushed me. I was about 5 and she was nearly 8. We both roared with laughter. I had to have stitches on my face and it was very traumatic at the time. Didn't occur to me to be angry with my sister-I know children just do this stuff, and we both did as much and worse to each other and our other sibling. The reason you do is that you have much less empathy as a child,and(the two are connected) much less understanding of cause and effect, as well as less impulse control.

My parents weren't shocked or angry either, when I reported the confession, and for the same reasons. Actually I think parents need to protect children from unfair guilt and scapegoating as much as from the physical consequences of rough play.

I think your parents did let you down on this at the time and, if they let your aunt (weird) go on about it even now, they still are.

I mean, if you'd done this as a drunken 18 year old in a pub fight you'd be considered rehabilitated by now, so why is your act as a six year old still being raked over?

Well, given that you haven't turned into a hardened crim with a string of GBH convictions under your belt in the time between the incident and now, surely your Aunt can see that you weren't an evil child who did something deliberately, but just too young to understand the consequences of your actions.

What more does she want from you at this point - blood?

The next time she brings it up, I'd ask her politely if she wouldn't mind letting it go now.

Yes, I think I need to put my foot down with her. It's only been sneakily creeping up on me that I might not have done something quite so terrible as has always been assumed!