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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to disagree with SIL that DD is nasty and violent?

81 replies

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 12:14

Regular but name-changed.

I'm really upset, need opinions.

DH and I went to visit my brother last weekend with DD(6) and DS(8). Cousins are 9 and 7. They were playing out in the garden and we were all nearby but not actually watching. They were playing some kind of team game in groups of two, the younger two cousins against the older two. We heard a scream and went out to find that DD had thrown a rock at C2 (the 7-year-old) from the top of the climbing frame. I feel absolutely sick about this. He needed 3 stitches in his head (!) and DH locked DD in the car while we all went to A&E.

DD claims they were all playing a game and that she was trying to protect her cousin and to hit her brother (!). She initially seemed to think she was in trouble for hitting the cousin when he was on her side. They had all been playing with the pile of rocks in the garden (all 4 children admit this, they're not out-of-bounds to my nephews).

My SIL is furious. I completely understand. But I don't know if DD really understood what she'd done.

AIBU to think that, at 6, she didn't fully understand how badly she could have hurt her cousin? She seems to have had no idea that throwing something from the top of the climbing frame would hit very hard. Obviously my SIL is right to be really furious but she (and my DH) think that DD was being deliberately bad and violent towards her cousin. I can't help thinking that if she'd thrown the sort of things they play with at home at him (eg. a ball), he'd have been fine and that she doesn't understand the difference. Or am I just making excuses for DD?

OP posts:

Reality · 10/04/2010 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Reality · 10/04/2010 12:49

This reply has been deleted

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breastfeedingquestion · 10/04/2010 12:49

Oh, ok.

I would think if it gets brought up again you should tell the crazy witch to let it go.

prettyfly1 · 10/04/2010 12:51

I agree with the others that locking a six year old ANYWHERE for half an hour is absolutely unnaccetable and I think there really needs to be a chat between your partner and you about discipline. I would be angry if my child got hurt by foolish behaviour but she is six and they do stupid things - children dont learn to reason out as they go until they are closer to nine-ten, so can do impulsively idiot things, that certainly doesnt make her nasty and violent and if my partner or sister said ANYTHING like that about my kids I would be furious.

CoupleofKooks · 10/04/2010 12:51

oh dear i am sorry to hear she still goes on about this
the fact she is bringing it up 20 years later shows that she really has some problems - it's not at all normal to bang on about childhood stuff like this 2 decades later

elmofan · 10/04/2010 12:55

gez she is like a dog with a bone still bringing it up 20 years later is OTT , you where a child & the next time she brings this topic up ask her what was she thinking leaving rocks in her garden for children to play with . safety first & all that .

nowherewoman · 10/04/2010 12:56

This would really annoy me, my mum used to bring up something "bad" that I did at about the same age and in the end I had to tell her not to, it brought back all the horrible feelings I had at the time. You should tell your aunt to get over it. I thought you were being a bit casual about the car thing! Your aunt sounds a bit "highly strung" though.

AmandaCooper · 10/04/2010 12:57

I love the story about Mrs Emma Peel and John Steed! Brilliant!

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 12:58

I should say, I don't think being locked in a car for half an hour was a shocking punishment to my parents back then. They regularly left us in the car when they were going to the supermarket etc., especially when we were on holiday in France as they didn't want the extra stress of children and coping with unfamiliar shops. So I don't really associate it with a grim punishment, I just remember being very upset that I'd done a bad thing and my cousin was hurt.

I didn't mean that to be a big part of the AIBU. I know my auntie is a bit odd but I am a bit fed up of being guilt-tripped for this every time I see her. Aaannyway ...

OP posts:

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 13:01

Yes, 'casual' is right nowherewoman - reading my OP back, it doesn't sound very likely in 2010! Ah well ...

Loving the Emma Peel/John Steed too.

OP posts:

blinder · 10/04/2010 13:02

Unless your dd is always doing things like this then of course she isn't nasty or violent.

Wrt leaving her alone in the car in a hospital car park, that is a very stupid thing to do and probably illegal. What if she had got out and wandered off, been seen by someone dangerous, become hot and dehydrated, was crying alone the whole time, messed with the handbrake etc etc. Awful thing to do to a child sorry.

thedollshouse · 10/04/2010 13:05

I always feel sad when a family incident involving me is brought up at family gatherings. When I was 5 I had a newborn niece who lived with us, I loved her to pieces and was very excited when she was born. My sister was bathing her one evening and asked me to pass her the flannel for the baby, I decided to throw the flannel at the baby to see if she could catch it, it landed on her chest and as it was cold she screamed blue murder.

I can remember my feelings at the time and I never intended to hurt her I just didn't think of the consequences. After the incident everyone thought that I was spiteful and jealous of my niece which wasn't the case at all.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 10/04/2010 13:05

How does your cousin feel about it?
Im betting they dont give a shit really.
Your aunt is mad, next time just say, in the most condescending tone you can muster, "let it go, its been 20 odd years woman"

AmandaCooper · 10/04/2010 13:06

So were the other kids throwing rocks as well then, or not?

nowherewoman · 10/04/2010 13:09

What did your parents say at the time?

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 13:11

Oh, no, dollshouse. That's such a natural 5-year-old thing, as well - you love the new baby so you want to see how soon it will learn to play with you!

ABF - cousin brings it up as a joke, but I think mostly because it's such a predictable turn in the conversation. My little brother when he was a toddler took a pair of sharp scissors and snipped through my cheek - he really didn't mean to bless him, and I still have a scar but I couldn't give a toss. I imagine cousin feels the same but I can see it's different when it's one of your own children hurting another one, from when it's someone else's child.

Amanda - none of the other kids were throwing rocks but we had all stockpiled little stashes of rocks for the purpose!

OP posts:

elmofan · 10/04/2010 13:14

tell her to "build a bridge & get over it" then mutter under your breath " honestly leaving rocks in your garden was asking for trouble"

dittany · 10/04/2010 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 13:15

nowherewoman - I can't remember too well. I can remember being upset and in the car, and I can remember that evening, watching the fireworks, that my dad bought a toffee apple for the other 3 and I asked if I could have one (he said no, obviously!). They were quite odd about it but talking about it later, apparently my aunt went ape-shit (as you would) and didn't want me in her house for a couple of years. My parents still feel pretty guilty.

I don't have a lot of memories from that age, so I'm mostly going on what people said. I only know about the stashes of rocks because my big brother told me about it a few years back.

OP posts:

dittany · 10/04/2010 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tellhimhesdreaming · 10/04/2010 13:17

Oh my god, I feel your pain. Every time we see my Grandmother, she brings into the conversation that my brother stayed with her one weekend and broke her bell. As in, an ornamental bell she got from some crappy shop that sat on her mantelpiece. He is now 25 years of age. He broke it when he was 4. You get tired of hearing about it.

thesteelfairy2 · 10/04/2010 13:17

She sounds like a bit of tit tbh.

I would just laugh at her if she brings up again. It is actually laughable that she is still holding a grudge about this. Deary me.

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 13:18

I think you have been very patient with your aunt. i could not have been and neither would my parents. One thing to be upset. Another to say that a six year old child cannot enter a house again.

thesteelfairy2 · 10/04/2010 13:18

breastfeedingquestion · 10/04/2010 13:22

She sounds like an absolute cow.

I did something awful when I was older than that. We were on holiday with friends and I was mucking about in the swimming pool with their son who was my age.

I grabbed his foot in the pool and he went under the water a little bit.

What I didn't know is that he'd had years and years of trouble with his ears. He had had to keep his ears out of water for something like two years as part of his treatment. Anyway I ended up getting his ears wet and he got out of the pool (understandably) really upset and it was quite a big thing.

I didn't know anything about his ear trouble - with hindsight I can see now it wouldn't have been a bad idea for one of the adults to explain it to us and tell us it was really important not to get his ears wet.

I guess, my point is, that I felt terrible about it then but can see objectively as an adult that we were only playing, I didn't mean to hurt him and didn't know that doing that would hurt him.

No one has ever brought it up, either at the time or since. I think your aunt has overreacted disgracefully.

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