Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to disagree with SIL that DD is nasty and violent?

81 replies

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 12:14

Regular but name-changed.

I'm really upset, need opinions.

DH and I went to visit my brother last weekend with DD(6) and DS(8). Cousins are 9 and 7. They were playing out in the garden and we were all nearby but not actually watching. They were playing some kind of team game in groups of two, the younger two cousins against the older two. We heard a scream and went out to find that DD had thrown a rock at C2 (the 7-year-old) from the top of the climbing frame. I feel absolutely sick about this. He needed 3 stitches in his head (!) and DH locked DD in the car while we all went to A&E.

DD claims they were all playing a game and that she was trying to protect her cousin and to hit her brother (!). She initially seemed to think she was in trouble for hitting the cousin when he was on her side. They had all been playing with the pile of rocks in the garden (all 4 children admit this, they're not out-of-bounds to my nephews).

My SIL is furious. I completely understand. But I don't know if DD really understood what she'd done.

AIBU to think that, at 6, she didn't fully understand how badly she could have hurt her cousin? She seems to have had no idea that throwing something from the top of the climbing frame would hit very hard. Obviously my SIL is right to be really furious but she (and my DH) think that DD was being deliberately bad and violent towards her cousin. I can't help thinking that if she'd thrown the sort of things they play with at home at him (eg. a ball), he'd have been fine and that she doesn't understand the difference. Or am I just making excuses for DD?

OP posts:

blinder · 10/04/2010 13:22

Oops sorry I missed your confession post. It sounds like your stuck-record aunt needs another story to complain about!

teamcullen · 10/04/2010 13:23

thedollshouse I must be evil... Im laughing reading your post. I can just imagine the baby's little arms flaying out with shock of the cold flannel, and you thinking it was trying to catch it.

Of course it would be different if it was my newborn getting lashed with cold wet flannels

ditz Tell your aunt you have a catapult these days for a better aim, and would she kindly like to volunteer as target practice.

nowherewoman · 10/04/2010 13:25

Your aunt didn't want you in her house for a couple of years?!
Is she a bit odd in other ways too?

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 13:37

nowherewoman, she is quite eccentric. Everyone pussyfoots around her a bit as she has a fairly sad life (she is so morbidly obese she can't really do anything much). I alternate between feeling terrible for her and feeling pissed off, tba. She brings it up because she hasn't got much in her life, but when I've spoken to my parents about it, they do pretty much think she was right to react as she did and that I did a terrible thing. Dunno.

Actually, Reality's thread about her 7 year old made me want to ask for opinions on what a child that sort of age can/can't be expected to understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 13:40

bfq - yeah, that sounds a bit strange that none of the adults told you!

OP posts:

nowherewoman · 10/04/2010 13:43

You know you didn't do a terrible thing though, right? You just got carried away. You throwing a stone at your cousin didn't make her morbidly obese, she needs to stop mentioning it now because it's obviously upsetting you/pissing you off. I don't think it can really be good for either of you.

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 13:49

Actually, I end up second-guessing myself. I really, really didn't mean to hurt him but I can just see how it came across. It does make me feel bad.

Mind you, I know the stone-throwing has nothing to do with her problems! It's more just that she has a tough life which is why I think it looms so large for her. I just get the sense that she really thinks there's something wrong with me.

OP posts:

dittany · 10/04/2010 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedBlueRed · 10/04/2010 14:29

There is probably nothing you can say or do to make her change her behaviour now but I suspect that the years of guilt laying have had an effect on you - perhaps you need to seek help to forgive yourself and then you will be able to tell her where to get off.

20 years is a hell of a long time to punish a 6 year old for making a bit of a silly mistake. You have done your time so many times over.
Your parents have let you down I think.

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 16:29

Might be so. There's plenty enough going on with my parents, I am just trying to think through it all slowly.

Anyway, interesting to hear the thoughts, thanks all.

OP posts:

BattyKoda · 10/04/2010 16:46

I did almost excatly the same thing to my best friend when I was about 7. We were in 'teams' and throwing balls - or something, can't remember - at each other and I picked up a stone, threw it and it cut her head open really really^ didn't mean it, just got carried away.

All I can remember of the punishment was that her mum didn't allow her to play with me for weeks afterwards and I remember feeling the most awful I ever had! . So I guess she must have thought I was evil and violent!

I still think about it now, even though it hasn't been mentioned since!

BritFish · 10/04/2010 17:31

your aunt really, really needs to get over it!

on a more serious note, i feel like a terrible human being right now on account of i left my two DC's locked in the car plenty of times for up to half an hour when i was nipping to post office/shop.
they were probably about 8 and 10 at the time.
they were old enough to know not to touch anything in the car, and i never left them long enough on hot days to do any harm.
can kids die after half an hour in a hot car with no water but a slightly open window??
oh, god, was i being really irrensponsible?

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 17:39

I don't think you were being irresponsible BritFish. We were left in the car often when we were little - in fact when we were on holiday in France our favourite game was to crawl out of the windows and sit on the nice hot car bonnet/roof! No wonder the cars were never worth much when mum and dad sold them on ...

I didn't expect the car thing to be a big issue when I started this thread, tba.

OP posts:

tummytime · 10/04/2010 18:03

I did almost exactly the same to my 3 yo brother when I was nearly 6. We were playing with some older friends and throwing rocks to break them. I threw down a rock and it chipped and hit my brother on the head. It bled enormously.

I just asked my mum and she confirmed that I hadn't been punished for it a) because I was clearly so shocked and unhappy and hadn't meant it and b) she thought it was her own fault because she should have been supervising more closely (mum was 8 months pregnant at the time so just a bit knackered).

Your aunt sounds disturbed but I would be very upset by your parents' reaction which IMO was inappropriate. Certainly inappropriate to still mention it.

BritFish · 10/04/2010 18:04

see, i never thought twice about it. i just left them in the car one day thinking they were old enough not to mess around.
im really worried in case this is a massive parenting no-no and you can dehydrate to death in half an hour.

fernie3 · 10/04/2010 18:05

I think your DD probably did know that a rock would hurt but at 6 she probably didnt think about the consequences of it and almost certainly wouldnt have realised it would cause enough damage to need stitches. I am sure your SIL will get over it in time, she is probably getting over the shock of seeing her little boy hurt. I would be furious at my husband if he locked one of our children in the car but I can see from other replies that this may not be an issue. I doubt your daughter will grow up evil because of this - I threw a brick in my sisters face at around that age and I like to think I am a fairly gentle human being as a rule! (I can't even remember why I did it!)

bronze · 10/04/2010 18:17

Ditz I feel for you. I hate remembering mistakes I made as a child. things that weren't malicious that caused harm and I still get this funny shrivelling up inside feeling whenever I think about any of them.

You aunt is quite mean to still be brigning it up and I feel bad for you that your parents didn't back you up more.

It might have been a relatively small incident but these things have a way of making you feel crap for years after.

Next time its brought up ask cousin if it still hurts. If he says no say well shut up about it then.

Original poster

DitzWithTheTits · 10/04/2010 18:20

bronze, that's exactly it - the shrinking feeling inside!

I think I will do exactly what you say, actually. I am so tired of it being talked about and by the sound of this thread, it shouldn't have been such a big deal. Thanks for the advice - it is a good idea I think!

OP posts:

MrsCrafty · 10/04/2010 18:39

I can't be bothered to read this thread but yes you are being unreasonable. If everyone if freaking about this, then why were you not watching them.

The reason is because they are big enough to play together and accidents happen.

This has definitely given me food for thought and I will make sure that when we are all indoors drinking wine or tea etc, I will mention that if any of the children get hurt, then we all need to agree that it's an accident and no one will be cross, we will accept this and duly deal with it.

breastfeedingquestion · 10/04/2010 19:11

Britfish, surely and 8 and 10 year old would be capable of winding down a window or attracting attention rather than dying in a hot car? Those stories are normally about babies/toddlers aren't they?

OrmRenewed · 10/04/2010 19:23

How awful

When my nephew was about 8 we went to stay at DB's house for my neice's christening. DH was doing sterling work in the garden entertaining nephew, DS#1 and dog. He threw a bloody great lump of wood for the dog which promptly hit my nephew on the cheek just below his eye! SIL had to take nephew to the hospital. It was truly truly terrible - especially as everyone kept asking DN how he'd hurt himself the next day and he kept saying' Uncle Martin hit me with a stick'

Now no-one would call DH nasty and violent. It was an accident.

I can totally understand why SIL is upset but she is being unreasonable and unkind. Accidents happen - a 6yr old cannot totally understand consquences. And all the adults were to blame, if anyone, for not watching them.

OrmRenewed · 10/04/2010 19:25

oh and I got hit on the head with a croquet mallet when I was a little girl. By my dad's cousin's lad. Never did me any harm

Claire236 · 10/04/2010 19:30

What a horrible story. My ds1 was chasing my niece round a table once & she fell & split her lip. My sister certainly never held it against ds1 & if she had I'd have put her straight. Children do silly things it's how they learn. I can't believe your parents didn't stick up for you & tell your aunt she was bang out of order. Having a hard life is no excuse for punishing a small child all the way into adulthood. I think if someone refused to have either of my children in their house because of an incident like that I'd refuse to have anything to do with them. Why the hell would you let children play with rocks anyway, what did the stupid woman expect to happen. Ridiculous.

OrmRenewed · 10/04/2010 19:36

Your aunt is an idiot and she needs to get a grip. Why would anyone hang on to that sort of resentment of a child for that long ?

CarrieDaBabi · 10/04/2010 20:14

sounds like shes doing on purpose to make you feel small/bad.

what a cow.

time to give her a piece of your mind.

you poor thing.

Flip

1 2 3 4