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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect dh's money to be OUR money

108 replies

damnedchilblains · 08/04/2010 11:15

I'm a sahm and my husband is the breadwinner. I'll be studying next year and after that hopefully a full time job.

I've always believed if you are both working than you should put some money into a joint "household" account for the bills and groceries and children etc and then the rest is yours. However, I'm not working at the moment, but looking after the kids. I can't work because my although my ds is in full time school (reception) my dd is only in part-time nursery (15 hours) and I can't get work for this period (I've also looked for evening work to no avail). I have to add that he doesn't get a large wage but it is enough for us.

Anyway now the background's out the way, I was put out a little bit by my dh declaring he bought something with his money and I would not be able to have access to it (namely a car).

AIBU to to expect that things he buys (especially big things) should be ours. I should add, that I get child tax credits and chb and this is used for nearly all of our food shopping, as well as my own bills (mobile & catalogue), and pretty much everything the dc's need. AIBU???

OP posts:

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 08/04/2010 11:18

No you are not.

You are supposed to be a family.

I suggest you stop buying him food etc with 'your' money and stop doing anything for him. Or present him with a bill for cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. And present him with a bill for half of anything you buy for the kids!

If he wants to be a selfish sod instead of your equal partner, then charge him for it!

emsyj · 08/04/2010 11:20

What a bizarre thing to do, to buy a car and then tell you he bought it with HIS money and you can't use it...?

I do think that couples who don't broadly agree on money issues (how much you need of it, how to earn it, how to spend it and long-term plans for it) have a fundamental problem that can be difficult to fix.

bellavita · 08/04/2010 11:22

He is an arse.

WitchyWooWoo · 08/04/2010 11:22

yanbu. buy a big bar of chocolate and say its mine, you cant have any.

im lucky, i am a sahm, hubby earns 1k a month and we get child tax credits, but whatever we buy is ours. i use the tax redits for our weekly shops and hubbys pay goes to the bills and mortgage.

offer up this to him, you go back to work and you both fork out for full time childcare. in most situations this will prob take a HUGE chunk out of both your earnings. i really think he'll see things differently. you work as hard as him, put in more hours, suggest that you'll be able to be more organised financially if theres a joint account/seperatate account for household stuff.

you're married, what is his is yours and vice versa.

JaneS · 08/04/2010 11:24

Why does he want you not to use it, do you have a history of destroying nice cars?

If I were you, I'd just laugh and tell him you're using the joint account to buy yourself an identical car that he won't be able to use.

sweetkitty · 08/04/2010 11:25

YANBU he is being an arse

We have the same situation as you, I don't work, DP does, any big financial decision is a joint one.

Rhian82 · 08/04/2010 11:25

DH and I have a joint account and completely share all our money. I work part-time as we have a toddler, but we'd never allocate me less money because of it. We're a partnership, I really can't imagine doing it any other way.

(In the past it's been me earning more, at the moment he's earning more? makes no difference).

Triggles · 08/04/2010 11:29

I am a SAHM as well, while DH works outside of the home. All money, including tax credits, goes into our bank account and is accessed by both of us. It is not my money or his money, it's OUR money. Just like the kids are OUR kids (so cared for jointly) and the house is OURS (ok, not technically as we rent) but housework and upkeep is taken care of jointly. It's US and WE here. Otherwise, IMO, you're more roomies than partners. But that's just the way we feel about it.

That means if you go back to work, you SHARE the cost of childcare, as you are both equally responsible for the children and their care. Same with the groceries and household bills. DH has a few things that are technically "his", but that is because they were given to him as gifts (or because it is something I have no interest in ), likewise I have things that are mine for the same reasons. But debts, childcare, household expenses - these are all OURS and paid for out of OUR money.

emsyj · 08/04/2010 11:32

We also share all of our money. As it happens we have mostly earned similar amounts (give or take a few £k on either side) but I will shortly be going on maternity leave and I don't expect to have less access to our joint funds as a result.

In a way, you have negotiated this position. If previously you worked and contributed towards joint expenses then kept the leftover money separate then this is what you have agreed to. I think the concept of not sharing everything 100% when you're married with a family is very strange, but seems to be very common. Clearly that system isn't going to work for you any more now that you are not earning.

Original poster

damnedchilblains · 08/04/2010 11:33

Witchywoo your income is pretty much the same as ours and that is what I thought would happen. It hasn't. I am seriously considering going back to work only I'm in a bind and he knows it. I start a pgce in sept which is going to separate me from the kids quite substantially and I really want to use the time now to make them comfortable. I feel like working now would be cutting off my nose to spite my face but I'm seriously considering it because I hate living with now money.

Littlereddragon, that's the whole point, we don't have a joint account, just his and mine. I was fine with this in the beginning because, when we got together I was still a student (with 2 overdrafts but I got pregnant and that was it). But slowly (by chilminding) I managed to clear one, but the other I cannot shift because we only get enough child tax credits to live on).

The irony is, if I get a job at the end of my pgce I would start on more than he gets now after working for the same company for 5 years.

OP posts:

Itsjustafleshwound · 08/04/2010 11:33

I would make sure my name was on the deeds of the house if this is the attitude...

I am not earning any salary to put towards the household bills, but my DH recognises that I make a significant contribution to the household and I would be seriously annoyed if my DH had the same attitude that your DH seems to have towards money.

NorthernSky · 08/04/2010 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

damnedchilblains · 08/04/2010 11:38

"If previously you worked and contributed towards joint expenses then kept the leftover money separate then this is what you have agreed to"

I see what your saying emsyj but really we had limited time before hand to get the rules in place. We moved in together when I got pregnant, so I was paying some to the bills but paying off my own debts as well, and then we were equally paying for things for the baby. But maybe as you said this gave off the wrong signal. I just assumed when I stopped working we would split the money.

OP posts:

JaneS · 08/04/2010 11:38

Sorry, I should learn to read. I assumed your joint/household account was that. Seriously, he is being such a twunt. You were studying/are going to be studying: that is work. You're looking after the children: that is work. He should acknowledge that.

I would be fuming - and very tempted to ring the car insurance people and put yourself on as well (not impossible: I've done this for my mum when dad forgot to insure her on the new car and went off to the States for a week!). And name on deeds of house.

Can you cook dinner for DCs and yourself and make him get his own until he sees sense? What possible justification does he have for what he's doing?

Original poster

damnedchilblains · 08/04/2010 11:41

tbh northernsky he doesn't have much that I would want, it's mostly music equipment, computers and books and I'm not fussed about that. The car was the first big buy. I have just passed my test by the way in January, but he only passed his a year before.

Also he had promised me all the way through that he would insure me on it etc, until the day I passed.

OP posts:

WitchyWooWoo · 08/04/2010 11:41

itsjustafleshwound thats exactly right.

its like that joke...

husband comes home one night to see children running riot naked through the garden, trampling on all the plants. he goes to the kitchen and there are empty crisp wrappers, half eaten sandwiches, dirty dishes and muddy footprints all over the floor. there is no sign of his wife. he calls her name, and ventures upstairs through the water running down the stairs as a result of the bath taps running and the bath overflowing. clothes, toys, towels and shoes are scattered all over the hall and then he goes into the bedroom.

his wife is lying in bed with a cup of tea and a book. "Whats going on!" said the husband

the wife looks at him and says "you know how every night you come home, look around and ask what i did with my day? today i didn't do it"

emsyj · 08/04/2010 11:42

I can really recommend Alvin Hall's book, think it's 'Your Money Or Your Life' that has the relevant chapters in, it's about how to negotiate money when you are in a relationship with someone. There are good budget lists and questions about your attitude to money etc that are worth going through. I think it would be useful for you both to sit down and actually openly discuss money and what you're going to do about it. It is such a source of conflict in many relationships. Sadly I grew up in a house where my parents didn't agree about money and it was used by my arsehole father as a way to control my (SAHM) mother, so I am very conscious about financial issues, as is DH (having grown up with happily married parents who always had to be careful with money as they didn't have a huge income).
I don't think you can ever assume anything about money - I have been as I have grown older and heard some people's attitudes to money and joint finances, people have such hugely different views on it.

Original poster

damnedchilblains · 08/04/2010 11:44

"Can you cook dinner for DCs and yourself and make him get his own until he sees sense? What possible justification does he have for what he's doing?"

I started doing that this week, to prove a point. Yesterday he came in and asked me to give him a percentage of the child tax credits so that he can buy cooked food if I wasn't going to cook him any.

I obviously said no and a damn sight more.

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 08/04/2010 11:44

His behaviour is atrocious.

You need to talk to him and get it sorted now.

Otherwise what going forward and next year? he sits on a throne eating caviare and throwing the odd scrap down to you and the children?

He is royally taking the piss I would be LIVID.

I mean "I am seriously considering going back to work only I'm in a bind and he knows it." He is your HUSBAND you are a family he is behaving like a selfish twat.

Sorry.

Shaz10 · 08/04/2010 11:45

We do what Rhian82, Triggles and emsyj do. All in and out of the same pot. When we moved in together, husband owed on credit card, it just got repaid out of the joint account. It was the same when I was studying, the same when I'm on maternity leave and the same when husband leaves work to become a SAHD (we wish!). There was no question that this is what would happen.

You are not BU, you are a partnership. You have a family.

Original poster

damnedchilblains · 08/04/2010 11:47

Thanks emsyj I think I'll pop off to the library to rent that book, maybe it's a better way of approaching him about money than "your a fucking tight bastard and you're trying to control me" yelled at the top of my lungs

OP posts:

Itsjustafleshwound · 08/04/2010 11:47

Witchy - Love it!!

Perhaps the old saying (Do you want to speak to the person in charge or the one who knows what is going on??) should be adapted ...

JaneS · 08/04/2010 11:51

That is a good one, Witchy.

Good luck with him DamnedChilblains. He is being a complete prick and I hope he sees sense soon.

WitchyWooWoo · 08/04/2010 11:56

i liked it. dh comes home every night, looks around and sighs while im lying on the floor with a toddler bouncing on my back and toys scattered everywhere.

damnedchillblains brings up a good point. when doing your weekly shop, do you buy anything especially for dh? beer, crisps etc?
if you do. stop. buy things you'd like for you and the dc, or buy in sandwich fillers, have a nice meal with your dc, when dh comes home from work

"we've had dinner but you can make yourself a sandwich"

do things for you and your dc, not for him.

just out of curiosity, do you get "pocket money" or anything to spend on yourself?

JaneS · 08/04/2010 12:06

For a PGCE you get some money, is that right? It'll be interesting to see what you spend that on ...

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