AIBU to expect dh's money to be OUR money

[damnedchilblains]

I'm a sahm and my husband is the breadwinner. I'll be studying next year and after that hopefully a full time job.

I've always believed if you are both working than you should put some money into a joint "household" account for the bills and groceries and children etc and then the rest is yours. However, I'm not working at the moment, but looking after the kids. I can't work because my although my ds is in full time school (reception) my dd is only in part-time nursery (15 hours) and I can't get work for this period (I've also looked for evening work to no avail). I have to add that he doesn't get a large wage but it is enough for us.

Anyway now the background's out the way, I was put out a little bit by my dh declaring he bought something with his money and I would not be able to have access to it (namely a car).

AIBU to to expect that things he buys (especially big things) should be ours. I should add, that I get child tax credits and chb and this is used for nearly all of our food shopping, as well as my own bills (mobile & catalogue), and pretty much everything the dc's need. AIBU???

This woman made £200m. I bet that's more fun than a PGCE and teacher wage. Women should aim high.
www.dailymail.co.uk/money/article-1221699/Women-top.html

brogan - I agree it's not much, if any, better - which is why I am advocating contributions being proportional to income.

There is absolutely no reason on earth why the money your DH earns should be yours as well unless you have negotiated that with him! You cannot assume that he is going to share all his earnings with you - you need to negotiate a fair deal with him.

I'm curious as to what this DH is doing with all "his" money. Apart from buying cars.

Will the next thing be he buggers off on holiday without you? And send you a postcard?

If you're married, surely it'd be nicer to share the spoils, so to speak? And do nice things toegther as a family?

Call me old-fashioned...

Women should aim to do what they want to do, uncriticised. If they choose to become hedge fund managers they should be able to do that, equally if they want to stay home and raise babies, or become teachers like the OP they should be able to choose to do that without disdain. Given that teaching is a profession I'm not sure why it isn't 'aiming high' to be honest.

"When you decided to be a sahm did your dh agree or was he unhappy about it?"

Geek not only did he agree but he thinks this is the best way. Except when we get into it bout housework and helping at home then it's "well you go to work and I'll stay at home all day blah blah bullshit argument".

Kathy I'm in awe as well. Wow that is what I call excessive.

"I don't think it's particularly infantile to be a bit miffed if I find out I can't afford something I wanted to buy because my husband had spent all our money on something I saw as wasteful, and vice versa. Keeping our disposable income separate avoids this happening."

Actually I agree with this, it's why we had the arrangement in the first place, however it's only when one of you stop earning it can become a problem. Unless you have the right priorities in order.

Xenia, I am aiming high, I'm not going in to teaching because of the wage, I'm going in because I find it a worthwhile career that I'll be happy doing. Thanks MrsC

Clam he has been on holiday twice without me and the dc's although my mum has paid for me and the dc's 3 times (and again this year) to go to the caribbean to see her so I don't complain about that.

ANYWAY I did have a good long talk with him, talk being the operative word tonight. I didn't shout or get upset, I was really calm and I think this helped alot. I pointed out the fact that if he were not around unless he did everything himself he would have to pay for a cleaner, cook and nanny to do all that I do in the house and I actually think this made him think (always have to make him see how it would affect his pocket). He has agreed that tomorrow we are going to go over our finances in detail and see where and how much the spare change is. He seems to have agreed about the sharing of money. Hopefully we can come to a decent conclusion tomorrow, but I do believe part of this is my fault in that I didn't bring this up properly earlier (like before I had our first dc)

As far as DH is concerned, the reason he is ABLE to work is because I am staying home with the children, so his thought is that I AM working (plus he's been home with the kids all day on his own and finds it quite hard work sometimes - he's very appreciative! ). So any money he earns is, in part, due to me.

Glad to hear it, chilblains. But that's still a hell of an attitude to be fighting against - he's looking after his pocket not his family.

I'm always amazed by these threads as well. I earn more than my DH, but I am able to earn more in part because he picks up so much of the childcare and housework. If he didn't, I would be faced with the choice of putting my DD in childcare for 12 hours a day 4 days a week, and I would choose to quit my job before I chose that. So my earning ability is dependent on him. His lifestyle (part-time SAHD, grad student, flexible hours and days off as he chooses, it's a nice lifestyle) supports mine just as much as mine supports his.

There seems to be this perception out there that the earning partner funds the SAH partne'rs lifestyle, whereas - unless the earner is also funding a fulltime nanny, cleaner, chef, etc., it's reciprocal.

This thing about women staying at home also feeds into the assumption that the children belong to the woman. Chilblains, you say that you're in a bind because of the childcare and therefore can't go back to work.

Has your DH ever considered that if you went back to work because he keeps you short he'll be in a bind about childcare? I bet he hasn't. I bet it's never crossed his mind that finding childcare would come under his umbrella of responsibilities.

Er, or what Triggles said, but with more waffling.

damnedchilblains - "I'm not working at the moment, but looking after the kids." You are working, then, rearing kids is work, for goodness sake! His kids! You're doing his work for him!

"...when I got pregnant..." how did that happen then, did he not have ouwt to do with it?

"..I can't work because my although my ds is in full time school.." - you can't work? Aren't they his kids, too? Why is it you who 'can't work'? How about he 'can't work' because it's your natural right to go out and get paid for what you do and dole out dosh to him as stingily as you feel appropriate?

I hope, when you start paid work again the childcare costs, his childcare costs comes out of his wage as well.
So many women put up, without question, having to fork out solely from their wage for childcare as if it's his right to work but some sort of concession or privilege for her. Meaning her rightful place is at home in his kitchen (and his bed) looking after his kids for free and if she wants anything more she's got to sort out the kids herself as, after all, that's her responsibility!
In that case, you might as well be on your own. Talk about have his cake and eat it.

You are subsidising him and allowing him the privilege of going out to work for which he is lucky enough to get financial reward. Just because you don't get paid doesn't mean you don't work!!!!!! You're doing all the invisible labour, the unwaged work, which he would have to do - or pay for - otherwise.

Bill him for it - go on, let him see how much you're 'worth'.

Tortoiseshell I hadn't thought about it like that. and gardenpath I agree with what you say it's all true. He's just given me his payslip for last month and I'm going to work out the household bills put my stuff to it and when he comes home we'll discuss his other out goings. I'm hoping this is signalling a change but wont be counting my eggs until they've hatched.

This sounds like progress chilblains. Good for you for getting it all out in the open. Did you manage to resolve anything regarding the car issue?

"I don't think it's particularly infantile to be a bit miffed if I find out I can't afford something I wanted to buy because my husband had spent all our money on something I saw as wasteful, and vice versa. Keeping our disposable income separate avoids this happening."

Errr... surely the obvious solution is not to keep your money separate, but to talk about and agree on levels of spending? Sorry if that sounds a bit pious but as the OP says, separate finances don't really work unless you're both earning similar amounts.

Nope, your not BU.

We maintain a joint account where my earnings go in and have separate accounts to which we pay a small allowance each month from the joint. I recall that the tax credits go into my DW's account, but I can't be completely sure as she has the responsibility of maintaining the accounts and tracking spending (yes, we do have a budget set, and I would recommend thinking about budgets is a good thing to do)

Our personal accounts are not meant for anything other than the odd personal item (coffee, cakes and mobiles mostly) - certainly not clothes which I consider an item for the joint*.

Thing's for our DS go through the joint as does any "family" purchase.

• to be fair here, my DW is not a heavy clothes shopper. If I had married someone for whom this wasn't the case (which of course depends on what I think is heavy), I would probably of agreed a clothes budget and inserted it into her personal account.

OK, realise coming to this rather late, but YASNBU.

I have a friend in your position, it has been like that for over 10 years, it is horrible to see how dependant she is, everything to do with house and kids is her responsibility, she has no bank account. Her DP is not nasty but has no idea how to contribute to family life or how much she has to scrimp and save to manage the household. My DP gives me all his money and I need about twice as much as she uses, I am not extravagent by any means.

I don't think joint account is necessary but complete transparency about what goes on in the accounts is, joint responsibility for bill paying, what to save/ spending limits.

Speaking from bitter personal experience of near relationship breakdown and bankruptcy due to money issues, I am glad you are talking it through, but again and again as necessary I'm afraid.

So Bonsoir, should I go back to work f/t amking it virtually impossible for DH to do his job at the level he does with the travel involved?

As I said well down this thread, my DH fully acknowledges that he is only able to do what he does because I took a step back. Therefore we both see it as me helping him to further his career and with that in mind his wages are our disposible income.

That's on top of the fact that he believes it's the least he can do as I was willing to give up a career I loved to say home and look after our children and our house.

Chilblains, glad you managed to at least get the ball rolling to help you sort it out.

Well, I have to confess I don't really understand this concept of partners, marru=ied or otherwise, having to contribute hlaf of all costs. Surely all the money goes into one pot, all the bills get paid and you decide jointly what happens to the rest? ie; do you split it and have some each, do you save it towards big purchases, do you save some and split some etc. However, I do feel from your OP that you have kind of got yourself into this situation by saying at the outset that whatever was left over after you contributed your share, was yours to do as you like with. he has merely taken that to an extreme level!

Don't know what type of wedding ceremony youhad, but we got married in church and one of the vows was ' all my worldly goods I share with you' or words to that effect. Might be worth pointing that out to him?

oops! typos!

He sounds horrible we have always had a joint account and all money is ours-he gets more month by month[pensions] but in Summer I earn an extra few thousand which is very much ours too[holidays,Christmas,dgc etc].
YANBU at all

DH's wage and my tax credits/cb all go into our joint account, i'm in control of it coz DH is totally useless with money - hense his massive credit card debt from his single days that we're paying off. Any money left after the bills/food/clothes are paid/bought (not often) is either saved for christmas or used to take the DC's out. It will be exactly the same when i'm working albeit with more left over.

@sayithowitis

I think it depends at which stage you are at, when my then GF moved into my house the mortgage was being paid through my own account and she would pay me a set amount to cover bills as my to be DW was earning a similar wage to me at the time.

It was only when we got engaged that we set up the joint account and started moving bills and payments into it. That was really only done for convenience of being able to track and put things in place (sciency types that we are).

With two people earning similar, sharing chores and living together but not yet "fused" together; it sort of makes sense to contribute half and keep the rest as you own.

I think there is a mental step when you move from the "two partners" to "one family" that you don't make right away (or maybe in some cases, at all).

MN is such an eye opener sometimes.

"I'm not working at the moment, but looking after the kids"

slight contradiction in terms

(first post back after giving up mn for lent...anyone miss me?)

You gave up MN for LENT???? Are you insane?
Why not chocolate? Or wine?