AIBU to expect dh's money to be OUR money

[damnedchilblains]

I'm a sahm and my husband is the breadwinner. I'll be studying next year and after that hopefully a full time job.

I've always believed if you are both working than you should put some money into a joint "household" account for the bills and groceries and children etc and then the rest is yours. However, I'm not working at the moment, but looking after the kids. I can't work because my although my ds is in full time school (reception) my dd is only in part-time nursery (15 hours) and I can't get work for this period (I've also looked for evening work to no avail). I have to add that he doesn't get a large wage but it is enough for us.

Anyway now the background's out the way, I was put out a little bit by my dh declaring he bought something with his money and I would not be able to have access to it (namely a car).

AIBU to to expect that things he buys (especially big things) should be ours. I should add, that I get child tax credits and chb and this is used for nearly all of our food shopping, as well as my own bills (mobile & catalogue), and pretty much everything the dc's need. AIBU???

Stealth, your set-up doesn't sound any better than the OPs.

Still nobody, either on this thread or the other very similar one has given me any valid reason as to why why pot of household income is not the way to go.

To respond to Brogan2's question, as long as both contributing, proportionally in line with income, to the shared expenses (food, mortgage, bills, etc) then I see no reason why an arrangement of a joint account plus separate accounts for disposable income is thought to be so ridiculous.

In a situation where all money is shared, I would be annoyed if my husband spent more of our disposable income than me, or would feel bad about spending more than him - and we would constantly be checking our spending with each other to make sure we weren't spending too much between us. I can see how this could become impractical.

Consider presents - if ALL money is OUR money, then we are buying our own presents at Christmas/birthdays/etc and one partner can never be in a position to 'treat' the other.

Obviously if one partner earned more than the other (we don't so I have no practical experience of this) then the higher earner will have more disposable income (whilst rightfully contributing more to the shared expenses) and it would be reasonable to expect that he/she would be happy to pay for meals/nights out/discretionary purchases from time to time.

To answer Brogan2, I would rather keep our system of having a joint account which we both pay into by direct debit, proportionately, and then keeping our own personal accounts.

As Thumbwitch says, there are complex psychological issues srrounding earnings and for me, I would hate to have to justify ALL spending to DH as he is a bit tight whereas I like to get what he sees as unecessary stuff from time to time. If we keep our own accounts we can do what we like with them as long as all joint household expenditure/children/holidays/house stuff are met by the other account. I think a totally joint pot, for us, would lead to recriminations from time to time. I'm sure it works for other people though.

Keeps me sane anyway. Saves either of us getting stroppy with the other. Mostly...

X post Katisha, agree with everything you say.

I'm not saying joint finances are wrong for everyone, but wouldn't be our preferred arrangement. Obviously, when one partnet earns nothing or very little then the concept of 'our' money becomes much more important.

But for a SAHM, that isn't an option and she should not need to be reliant upon an allowance just because she is at home looking after their children.

Also, why should each person's contribution be proportionate to their earnings? Marriage is a partnership. It is not his earnings and my earnings but rather our household income.

Oh and neither of us ever have to justify what we spend to the other. If he has bought something I would just assume he either needed it or very much wanted it.

Presents for each other, we put on cc and pay off later.

It's whatever works for you Brogan. I agree that a SAHM should not have what is regarded as an "allowance" - that can lead to all sorts of resentments in some cases.

I'm saying that for us, and the personalities we are, a total joint pot would not be the best way forward. For either of us. Perhaps because we got married relatively late in life and were both pretty independent beforehand- has taken a long time to learn jointness perhaps. But it is a mechanism that works for us (with the odd flare-up) and strikes us both as equitable.

"I have psychological troubles with not having money "of my own" to spend without question" Thumbwitch this is how I was for a long time, I even wore myself out as a childminder just to have my "own" money to spend. However my issues were borne out of a strong minded female line, all of which drilled "you must have your own money" into my head, since I could remember. As unfitmother points out that attitude only works when your working however, and makes things so much more difficult when you're not.

well I've organised a sit down for tonight, franke can't organise any childcare to go out so I'll just have to put the dc's to bed. I'm going to approach it calmly and organised. I've decided instead of having a rant or accusing him of being stingy if I suggest we put down all the figures on paper, his wage, my tax credits, all the bills. Then we can see what's left over and everything is out in the open. That works right?

I'm hoping this works, maybe I'm in the wrong in that he doesn't have any excess money but we do need to talk about the car and definitely how unreasonable something like that is.

Pretty infantile to feel the need to 'constantly be checking our spending' to make sure ones not getting more than the other!

I'm lucky (so far) in that me and my DH put all of our money into one account (cos its an offset mortgage), from which all bills etc are paid. If I see something I like, I buy it and he does the same, within reason. Large purchases etc are discussed.

We did think about having separate accounts too, with the suggestion being that we each kept back EQUAL sums from our wages (regardless of whether one earned more than the other) and the rest would go into a joint account. That way, we each had separate spending money but the rest would be treated completely jointly. That would need rethinking if one of us was out of work though...

We went with just one account in the end, but I appreciate we are just really lucky to be ok financially and to have the same attitude to money (low risk, save, don't wear out the credit card etc), and I'm pretty sure this will continue when I become a SAHM (I hope!).

My sister and her husband on the other hand, have totally wierd finances and disagreements because they have totally different attitudes/concerns about money...

Good luck damned chilblains.

It can be such a minefield - people's attitudes to money.

It certainly pays to work this out before marriage/children rather than after!

I'm on the opposite side of the fence. My dp has an ex-wife to whom he still gives money to pay her livery fees (!) and two daughters in their twenties, neither of whom work, and both have their cars, tyres, RAC, insurance, clothes allowances paid by daddy.

DP's income has dropped in the last two years so I choose to keep my finances separate partly because they would vapourise if we had a joint account and partly because we have a 2 year old son and I need to provide for him. It's not that I'm not committed to DP but my priorities differ from his.

I just have to hope dp never gets upset about the arrangement.

Kathy, I understand your situation completely though I find it difficult to understand how you can be in a commited life-long relationship and not have the same financial priorities. But as I said, you are doing what's right for you and your DS.

When you decided to be a sahm did your dh agree or was he unhappy about it?

Well, I could point out that the daughters could try to get jobs, having had 13 years of private ed & 3 years of university but that would make me Cruella de Stepmum so it's better not to go there. And as for the ex-wife who ran off with the dog walker, works full time and still "can't manage", me making a comment just looks catty.

So I pay my share of the bills and quietly tuck what money I can away for the inevitable rainy day. Eventually I'll have to buy a house for us and that's ok. It'll provide a roof for the step-daughters if necessary but it'll be in my name.

The trick is to stay calm, keep what's important in sight and ignore all the tantrums and noise.

Kathy, I am genuinely in awe of your composure. I hope you DP realises how lucky he is. Most women wouldn't put up with this quietly. They are 3 grown women and even if your DP had been at fault over the split, I'm not sure livery fees come under reasonable maintainence.

My DH and I have a joint account for everything (aside from my Ebay slush fund) I am the main breadwinner by a very wide margin but would never dream of buying things just for myself that he could not have access to( Actually, I would be a little concerned if he took an interest in my high-end cosmetics habit but YNWIM!) I totally agree with everyone else who has commented that you are a family - I seem to recall my marriage vows which included "with all my worldly goods I thee endow"
I really hope he comes to his senses or you do - this is addressed to the originator of this thread - I have not read every reply to this thread so no offence meant to anyone who has posted after this.

"Pretty infantile to feel the need to 'constantly be checking our spending' to make sure ones not getting more than the other! "

Unfit Mother I actually said we would be constantly checking our spending to make sure we weren't spending too much between us (i.e. I can imagine a situation towards the end of the month where it would be quite possible to become overdrawn because both partners assumed there was enough in the account to cover their own purchases, without realising the other is also making the same assumption).

However, if I had said what you thought I had said, I don't think it's particularly infantile to be a bit miffed if I find out I can't afford something I wanted to buy because my husband had spent all our money on something I saw as wasteful, and vice versa. Keeping our disposable income separate avoids this happening. (Obviously in an ideal marriage we would have the same financial priorities and I would approve of everything he bought and he would approve of all of my 'frivolous' purchases but hey ho).

'Approve' is the wrong word in the last sentence of my post above - 'be enthusiastic about' would work better

Good luck, damnedchilblains. I hope the two of you can find some common ground on this. Sometimes clearing the air on one issue can make things better in a whole raft of ways.

Perhaps you should charge him for your childcare services / cleaning / cooking etc.

damned,., make sure if he has unmortgaged properties that he includes the rent from those too and dividends from his business.