AIBU to expect dh's money to be OUR money

[damnedchilblains]

I'm a sahm and my husband is the breadwinner. I'll be studying next year and after that hopefully a full time job.

I've always believed if you are both working than you should put some money into a joint "household" account for the bills and groceries and children etc and then the rest is yours. However, I'm not working at the moment, but looking after the kids. I can't work because my although my ds is in full time school (reception) my dd is only in part-time nursery (15 hours) and I can't get work for this period (I've also looked for evening work to no avail). I have to add that he doesn't get a large wage but it is enough for us.

Anyway now the background's out the way, I was put out a little bit by my dh declaring he bought something with his money and I would not be able to have access to it (namely a car).

AIBU to to expect that things he buys (especially big things) should be ours. I should add, that I get child tax credits and chb and this is used for nearly all of our food shopping, as well as my own bills (mobile & catalogue), and pretty much everything the dc's need. AIBU???

I sympathise. My DH has never done anything NEARLY as bad as that, but I do get irritated by comments about 'his' car. And the assumption that I ought to be grateful 'he is buying me' a house .

Like you, we started out both working, and both paid into a household account. And now I'm a SAHM I end up nagging him for money. For the first 2 years I just lived off my savings (for things for me, food etc came out of the joint account). But then I got pissed off, we had several massive rows about it and he now 'gives' me some money each month.

I'd prefer it if everything went into the joint account, and then we split what was left at the end of each month. But he doesn't want it that way, because it's his money and he works hard for it . He is very loving, and a great Dad, btw. I'm not being a total doormat here.

i got confused. i said damnedchilledblains brought up a good point, she did but i forgot she was OP. well done on putting your foot down!

oops damnedchilblains

need more caffeine obv

"just out of curiosity, do you get "pocket money" or anything to spend on yourself?"

nope I don't get anything unless I absolutely nag nag nag for it. I recently bought a new cooker and it took me 2 weeks to get dh to pay for half of it. I had to keep saying, where do you think I'm getting money from????

My mum keeps saying I'm too generous and when I get any of the benefits I shouldn't spend it on him at all, but I'm just not like that and I really don't want to start it because that surely just adding to this massive downwards spiral??

witchywoo, I might just take that joke and use it for real life. Just do absolutely nothing for the day (well i'd have to feed the dc's but nothing else)

Does he realise that you will earn more than him once you start work?

It might be worth pointing out that his behaviour now (is childish) is setting a precedent for when you are earning more than him.

He will still only have his own salary to dip in to whilst you will have a lot more to spend and will, obviously, not be sharing it with him!

your dh is being completely selfish then, and needs a good kick up the arse. you obv love him and i don't blame you for not doing anything to make you argue/fall out but he really needs a reality check as to how you're feeling and coping. you're his wife, not a skivvy.

We have separate accounts and a joint account where all the bills come out of - we both put in the same amount each month. But when we have DC I won't be able to afford to be a SAHM because of the size of our mortgage so am not sure how that will work out as I'll be working less.

I think that yes he is entitled to spend some of the money he earns on himself after the bills and stuff is paid, but a car and be it a car that he won't let you drive I think is just ridiculous.

I don't understand this thing where men don't let their wives drive their cars, unless they're completely useless. Just strange and all my BFs have always let me drive theirs - even the really expensive ones!

Tell him if he prefers he can split up and then he will have to pay you maintenanance and child support?

What a twat. I'm a SAHM/student, I earn nothing. DH earns, but I take care of our money and its our money. The house is OURS, the cars are OURS, everything is OURS. I can't imagine any other way to do it.

He's a selfish controlling arse.

I know how you feel. I am effectively a SAHM mum too. On the face of it my dh normally asks before he spends money on himself. However, his true colurs came out when last year I took our dc on a holiday with my extended family. He did not want to spend his money on a holiday he wouldn't be able go on. My mum actually paid for the holiday in the end. WE just provided spending money.

He is also good at spending his bonus on himself and the kids even though their birthdays are coming up.

At least we do have a joint credit card though which helps.

He sounds like an absolute arse, sorry. I ran it past the husband as well, he was amazed. To just not get around to setting anything up is an oversight, to actively cut you out of things is plain mean. And to ask for a percentage of the benefits?! Hell no. Tell him he earns too much to be entitled, and look up average rates for a nanny/cleaner...then bill him for that too. Is he a decent bloke other than this?

I'm 6 months pregnant at the mo and will be a SAHM for a few years I think. Our funds are already pooled, albeit in seperate accounts but when I stop working we will have one account that his salary and my SMP etc etc goes into and we will both use it as ours.

Well I'm glad that other people agree with me. MrsC he can be a decent bloke, when he feels like it, this is probably the most noticeable problem that we have.

I will be getting a bursary for studying next year, and he's already asked me to contribute to household bills out of it (which I don't mind) as long as they're proportional but it's really beginning to grate and could be the final nail in the coffin if things don't change soon

You are right that this could fester unless cleared up, and iy could become a dealbreaker.

I suggest setting up a joint account and putting proprotional amounts into it for bills etc. HArder when you are not earning but at least you can establish the principle.

I remember a thread like this on MN ages ago and in the end the OP showed it to her DH. He was shocked to see that he was so out of kilter with what right-thinking people felt about it if I remember correctly...

damnedchilblains - have the two of you had a grown up conversation about this? Not cooking for him just to make a point is not going to foster good relations any more than his insulting behaviour with the car is. I think you can tell him how hurt you are by his actions but then try to move on from there with a new plan to divvy up all the income, including your bursary, his pay, tax credits everything. Explain to him that this is more than about money - it is about how your marriage is conducted in the long term and how you respect each other as husband and wife. It sounds like the 2 of you have reached a bit of an impasse and as katisha says, it could become a deal breaker if not resolved.

Hubby and I have joint bank accounts... everything is transparent and is OURS... not HIS or MINE. I make considerably more than him... but would NEVER ever assume our money was more mine than his. It's all about trust and respect for each other.

I am baffled why so many people seem to have such bizarre money arrangements... he pays for this, I pay for that etc. POOL everything and pay for things TOGETHER. They're both your bills. You're a TEAM. Not single.

And... if you take some time off work to look after your children... it remains a joint account... even though you're not physically putting money in the account... were you not at home, you'd be paying it to childcare anyway... so you're saving money every month.

this is the second thread about women being shafted financially by their selfish tossers of a partner

what is wrong with some people ??

We've got 2 joint bank accounts, one I mainly run and pay shopping, clothes,kids poket money, haircuts, that sort of thing.I also pay my salary into it.It never goes overdrawn, but there is only a few quids surplus each month.
The other one pays out the mortgage, all bills, insurances etc, and my husband's salary goes into that one.We share that overdraft

Both DH and I spend about the same amount on ourselves each month, and as neither of us have retail habit, this isn't problem.We also agree large expenditures together, such as holidays or decorating.

Discussing finances cannot be avoided if you have a grown up relationship, otherwise it's like being given money 'to buy yourself something nice' as a kid ie patronising and an unbalanced relationship.

If he's a decent bloke otherwise DamnedChilblains I'd say all is not lost. Perhaps he genuinely hasn't thought about this from your perspective and needs a reality check...pronto!

On the bursaries front, don't forget to look into help with childcare costs and travel etc, we're both trainee teachers at the moment (different training routes) and there are lots of options for funding available (on top of standard TDA funding) if you hunt around.

franke you're right it's not really the grown up thing to do. Thanks for the advice, I guess I just have to have a sit down and have a proper conversation. I have tried but it always gets sooooooo heated so quickly I end up yelling at him, because he just doesn't seem to understand - even when there's no food in the cupboards.

Thanks MrsC I'm looking into that at the moment but it's being exceptionally painful trying to get a copy of the dh's 2008/09 p60 as he happens to have lost it

Sorry, you had to beg him to pay half for the cooker?! Does he think your cooking for the family is a hobby or something? What a dick.

The other thread which is similar and on which I put my views is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/942770-To-ask-for-more-money

except that on this thread your married which legally is a very different situation than "living in sin" etc.

Before I married we did talk about all these things, feminism, who cleans the hoiuse, who would work over a lifetime, breastfeeding, money, tax, financial priorities. Everyone should and should have total financial clarity and exposure to the other and in my view if you marry for life then only joint accounts and sharing. But I also recommend seeking to earn 10x what your other half did - it does wonders in all kinds of ways. I recommend it even though I'm now divorced. Money can be power as all these housewife threads show. Become a hedge fund owner rather than a teacher though if you're after the money.

Your DH is being a knob. Unless you are prone to writing off cars as soon as you step in them... but the principle is the same - knobbish to declare he has spent his money on it.

Years ago the idea was that men went out to work to provide for their families - while I don't advocate a return to that situation, it was an accepted thing that men earnt money for the whole family, not just for themselves (ok, apart from the ones who went straight to the pub with their wages etc etc)

I have more trouble with the concept of "our money" than DH does - he accepts that as I am not earning (SAHM to 2.4yo) then he is providing for all of us; whereas I have psychological troubles with not having money "of my own" to spend without question. Comes from long years of being my own breadwinner.

"I've always believed if you are both working than you should put some money into a joint "household" account for the bills and groceries and children etc and then the rest is yours."

So now you've realised how ridiculous that belief is for married parents. You need to have this sensible talk with him and explain how unfair the current situation is and how it may change in the future.
DH used to earn more than me, we shared everything, I did the SAHM bit when dcs were little, we shared everything, he was made redundant, we shared everything. I now earn more than him, we still share everything.
Marriage should be a partnership, supporting each other.
Good Luck.

PMSL at Xenia (as ever)

OP - it would seem to be a good time to establish a joint account. He doesn't have to pay all his wages into it, but you could establish what you need on a monthly basis (including some contingency) and then apportion that based on your relative incomes (counting tax credits etc as yours for now) and set up standing orders - then everything for house and DCs (including childcare when you return to study/work) comes out of that account - and anything left is his/yours.

Unfortunately when we set up something similar we were earning similar incomes, so rather than work it through we paid the same amount each. Now I earn about 50% of what DH does and we still do the same - leaving him with a reasonable disposable income and me with none. To be fair, he does then pay for almost all other expenses and I have a credit card which he pays with no arguments (only mortgage and predictable household bills come out of joint A/C) but it still leaves me worrying about spending £10 on myself.

I know how heated these conversations can become - it's such an emotional issue,not just the money, but your own sense of status, self-worth and your position within the marriage. For my own part I usually end up in tears which is just as bad as yelling . Can you go out for an evening together and tackle it that way? Not ambush him but actually agree you're going to discuss it calmly away from the home, the kids and all the other distractions.

I continue to marvel that my mother got away with an arrangement where they had a joint account (which my father's salary went into) and her account (which her (admittedly much smaller) salary went into). The joint account paid mortgage, bills, food, etc, etc and her account paid for "fun" stuff (holidays, mostly) and was otherwise hers.

...if only