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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that my friends kids have TRASHED my house

115 replies

superv1xen · 07/04/2010 20:53

I am really really houseproud and have not long moved into a new house which me and dp paonstakingly painted and did all sorts of DIY to make it lovely.

well, today I have had two of my friends round with their kids )aged 3 and 6 respectively) and they are right messy little buggers

their mums (my friends) are not at all houseproud (to say the least) and let their kids do what they want. in their houses no one ever removes their shoes in the hall but I insist on it and they invariably forget and tramp their grubby child shoes all over my carpets!

and today while we were in the kitchen they were playing in the lounge, and one of them has climbed all over my sofa and put their greasy little paws all over my freshly painted matt walls!!! I have handprints on them now. have only just noticed, I have tried to clean it off but I dont think its going anywhere it would NOT have been DS as he is strictly forbidden to do any kind of climbing in the house.

they played in the garden for a while and, inexplicably, one of them also brought a load of mown grass into the lounge
(obviously i politely asked him to take it back outside)

also they absolutely trash DS's bedroom every time they come round and try and go in the other rooms upstairs (why oh WHY do kids do this??)..and the 6 year old was throwing DS's toys down the stairs for some reason.

am I too OCD? do I need to chill a bit? the parents say nothing BTW.

and I cant say anything because these girls are my best friends.

OP posts:
MintHumbug · 07/04/2010 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mybabywakesupsinging · 07/04/2010 22:33

wooded floors.
leather sofas.

have made me much more relaxed parent in the face of months of "accidents", occassional vomits and the rest of the general muck that comes with 2 small boys.

They take their shoes off on the way in, though.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 07/04/2010 22:34

Well if you're so houseproud that you don't let your children have friends round, I would question your priorities tbh

conceding that mess happens when children get together and have a good time does not make you a messy slob

SoupDragon · 07/04/2010 22:37

Matt walls shows an amazing lack of foresight TBH. Washable paint all the way where there are children...!

sudoku · 07/04/2010 22:38

Harsh, ElleBing, but I do agree with you...!

Boundaries...

ElleBing · 07/04/2010 22:45

Well, really.

I'm all for "kids being kids" but still, I paid for my furniture/house out of money I barely have. I'm not teaching LO that it's acceptable to trash everything in sight just because he's small. There's a big garden outside if he wants to let off steam. I've often got a house with 3 or 4 kids running riot BUT they seem to know that there's making a mess (which I can tolerate) and wrecking the joint.

When I took DS to his playmates' house a few weeks ago, the playmate was like a mini wrecking ball. Pot plants tipped up with soil all over carpet, cushions off sofas, lunch all over floor. His mum just stood there watching him with a resigned look on her face. He behaves like it when he comes to mine but I tell him "no, we don't tip food onto the floor sweetheart. It's rank."

CirrhosisByTheSea · 07/04/2010 22:46

I like a clean and tidy house but you have to have a balance. Your house is there to enable you to have a life, not so your life (and your child's) can serve the needs of the house.

It makes my heart sink for the child when half their little lives are spent thinking about not marking this, not touching that.....again there's a balance to be struck; they should take some age appropriate responsibility for being careful with things but it's our responsibility as parents to ensure that we have stuff that doesn't demand that every waking moment is spent being careful so we don't mark stuff.

usualsuspect · 07/04/2010 22:48

I agree with deliberately wreaking the joint not on...but grass on your shoes from the garden? getting toys out? handprints on walls? normal surely

KAEKAE · 07/04/2010 23:02

I don't think you are being U. I am the same to some extent. The other day I invited someone over to my newly refurbished house...well its not finished but still I was totally shocked when my the mother allowed her daughter to climb all over my leather sofa with her manky shoes on. She then went on to give her DD a sticky fruit bar in my lounge, whilst sitting on my leather sofa ( we don't allow DS to eat anywhere apart from the kitchen) and then the mother had the cheek to leave the wrapper and a wet wipe on the arm of the sofa, which has left a mark. I was fuming and wanted to shout...get the feck out of my house!

We have newly paintd walls too, we had a firm do them so costs us a bomb...silly really with a 2.7 year old and a four month old. My DS has already managed to scrape his toys all along his bedroom walls whereby they've left loads of marks. I was so OCD with it, but now I just can't be arsed.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 07/04/2010 23:05

My dses are 12, 14 and 16, and we still have washable paint on all the walls. Despite years of nagging, they still put handprints on the walls - mud from the muddy basketball in the garden, or oil from ds1's bike maintenance - and I really appreciate being able to wipe them off!

I think you need to find the middle ground, OP - somewhere where you feel comfortable and your ds can still enjoy having friends over to play. Perhaps you could do the walls in one room with washable paint, so there is somewhere where you don't need to worry about little hand prints. And if they other children are going upstairs and just making a mess in your ds's room (not the mess that comes from playing games, but the mess that comes from just tipping out toys), then I would ban them going upstairs.

I assumed that the 'bringing in mown grass' bit was about a child bringing in handfuls of it - which is not acceptable.

But as others have said - in the long run, you will look back and be glad that your child was able to have his friends over to play, and that you gave him happy childhood memories.

yummumto3girls · 07/04/2010 23:06

I have rarely had a child visit my house who had not voluntarily taken their shoes off at the door, common courtesy I think. I find play dates quite stressful but fortunately have chilled a bit over the years. I hate having children round who think they can get every single toy/game/puzzle.... out play with it for 10 seconds and then not put it away. I don't expect children to constantly tidy up but why do some have to be like a whirlwind of mess? Recently had one friends child round who decided to jump up and down on my DD's new bed and broke it.
OP good on you for wanting to keep your hard earned home nice. I agree with others though and perhaps arrange play dates at parks etc and invite back for short periods to minimise trashing time. I also ask my DC's what they would like to do when their friends are here and they generally choose an activity (a new game they have got etc) that way the mess is minimised! Summer is so much better as often they have a load of friends round to play in the garden on the water slide - so much mess but it's all outside!

LadyBiscuit · 07/04/2010 23:16

I love the fact that my friends' kids make merry in my house - makes me think they feel at home here. And trashing implies irreparable damage and a few handprints and chucking toys around is hardly that.

hobbgoblin · 07/04/2010 23:21

The only bit that I'd be pissed off with is mud on carpets.

How do you think your son gets on with being very careful at home? It can't be great having to reign yourself in all the time as a kid...

Vallhala · 07/04/2010 23:35

I'm amazed at the amount of people who think that it's acceptable to allow a child to climb on other people's furniture and throw toys around, leaving a mess when they depart without attempting to get their DC to tidy up or do so themselves, as is implied in the OP. I'd be very annoyed, to say the least.

SV, you can say something to the parents! It's your home and they should respect it, and your rules. Why on earth should you tolerate behaviour in your house, towards your belongings, that you wouldn't accept from your own son? Apart from anything else it sets a bad example to your son. When my DDs were younger I politely put up with a family member's daughter jumping on beds, climbing all over my sofas and so on, only to get my own children asking why they weren't allowed to do it. They were very confused, and no wonder. Never again!

ElleBing · 08/04/2010 00:03

There's a bit of an all or nothing mentality on this thread; either children must sit hands in lap and STFU or behave like hyenas and make as much mess as they please.

In my eyes there's normal LO mess i.e toys all over the gaffe, mucky handprints on walls, crisps trodden into carpet or rice cakes trodden into carpet if you're a Boden mummy Then there's "little shit" mess i.e all of your cds/dvds strewn all over the shop, toys thrown downstairs for the hell of it, loo roll unravelled, drawing on walls.

If your LOs do "little shit" messes in other peoples' home, other people think you and your LOs are idiots and they're glad when you've gone. Fact.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 08/04/2010 00:21

Who said drawing on walls and CDs all over was acceptable mess?

Nothing in op was irrepairable
no real trashing occured ( see BoFs post for definition of 'trashing'

no reason for knicker twisting I could see
and no one defending real reckless vandalism

ElleBing · 08/04/2010 00:25

That's why I said "in my eyes"

And in defence of the OP, I still regard climbing over other peoples' furniture as being disrespectful. Bringing in grass is also a bit off colour. In your own house, if that's your bag, fine. I wouldn't let my DS do it in anyone elses'.

LadyBiscuit · 08/04/2010 00:32

But the children's mother didn't see them did she - she was in the kitchen with the OP. IME whenever children get together they always make loads more mess than they do when they're on their own or with siblings. And I never ask my friends to help tidy up when they leave - I wouldn't ask you to do the washing up after dinner if I'd invited you round so why would I get children to put away all their toys. It's all part of being a host. It's not school FGS

siblingrivalryisrelative · 08/04/2010 00:43

Yes climbing over other people's furniture is disrespectful if the child has been told not to do it! My children do climb over my sofas and have competitions to see who can jump the furthest, they use my sofa cushions as dens and get their mucky handprints over it all. The back cushions are sagging in the middle where they sit cuddled up watching TV. Do I care? No!

But, if we went into someone else's house and that host told my children NOT to jump on the furniture then I have no doubt my children would respect the wishes of that host. The OP (from what I can see) didn't tell the children to stop jumping on her furniture so, if they are allowed to do it in their own home (which appears to be the norm), why would they know any different?

The OP should have told them the rules if she's so houseproud

ElleBing · 08/04/2010 00:45

Erm, I wouldn't need to be asked to pick up my LOs mess. I just would. I'd feel wrong just leaving someone else to do it.

If someone has been hospitable enough to let your kids muck up your house, the best you can do is make some effort to put it right. It's called manners. Obviously an alien concept to some of us.

siblingrivalryisrelative · 08/04/2010 00:48

Isn't the usual 'rule' to offer to help fully expecting the host to say 'oh no leave that I'll do it later'

ElleBing · 08/04/2010 00:50

FGS, so if host is too polite to reprimand someone elses' LOs, she must accept LOs using her house like some sort of mini-Pontins? Hardly.

If my DS started hurling himself off furniture when we were visiting I'd tell him to pack it in regardless of whether the host had said whether she minded or not. And that's regardless of what goes on in my home. I was always told by my parents that you behaved when you were in someone elses' house. It's not necessarily up to the host to set other peoples' kids straight. It can be awkward. Parents should teach their LOs to use some decorum when a guest in someones' house. Simple.

ElleBing · 08/04/2010 00:53

Not IMO, siblingrivalry.

If my LO has helped create merry hell in someone elses' house, I at least pick some of it up. I don't see how teaching your LOs to respect other peoples' property can be a contentious issue tbh.

LadyBiscuit · 08/04/2010 00:55

But clearly neither of them knew the children were hurling themselves off the sofas (although I'm a bit surprised that if they were having that much boisterous fun neither of the parents heard them from the kitchen).

My guests often offer to tidy the mess but I always say no. They put things back in the wrong place anyway

ElleBing · 08/04/2010 00:57

Well, if guests offer and host declines, that's fair enough. But to say "YOU invited US, therefore we do not have to tidy any mess WE made in your home" smacks of being a tit IMO.

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