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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have to explain to husband

93 replies

Fibilou · 02/04/2010 07:43

why i do not want to be separated from DD (8 weeks) for over 24 hours just so his mother can have her in the house overnight ?

Backstory - I am going for a pamper day on the 20th April and DH is taking DD for the day. This would mean me leaving her from about 9am unti about 6pm (she is exclusively breast fed)

Last night DH said something about "you'll need to express a lot of milk because I intend to take her to Mum's overnight".

At this point a row erupted as I said there was no way he was having her overnight as well as all day, I won't go into it as it was rather tedious but basically it boils down to "I want a turn". In the end I stopped trying to justify my reasons for not wanting her away overnight and said "I don't want to be away from her that long"

AIBU to think I shouldn't have to get upset and defensive explaining to my own husband why I don't want to be away from my very small baby for quite such a long time ?

OP posts:
waitingforbedtime · 02/04/2010 07:47

I have soooooooooo had this argument!

YANBU imo. I would just say 'look Im not going to argue about this but ultimately Im not willing for that to happen and Id much prefer it if we didnt fall out about it'

posieparker · 02/04/2010 07:48

YANBU....but perhaps leaving her for a whole day is going to be loads of effort, I would even consider it personally(but then I couldn't have expressed that much milk when my dcs were eight weeks) but overnight, NO WAY!

posieparker · 02/04/2010 07:48

and you MIL is very U for even suggesting it.

Original poster
Fibilou · 02/04/2010 07:49

she didn't to be fair to her

OP posts:
iMum · 02/04/2010 07:50

Does she bottle feed well? I ask this as my 3 never did. Also you would need to pump on your pamper day or your boobs will feel like they might explode! and of course your supply is still be sorted.
can dh not bring dd to your pamper day for you to feed her?

And agree absolutly that dd shouldnt o to you mils if you dont want her to but your dh (if this is all new to him) miht not understand why and so a small explanation wouldnt go amiss.

I spose he might be feeling abit pushed out with the breast feeding, do you feed in bed at all? as this is lovely as both parent can lay with baby.

If he is feeling pushed out then there isnt much you can do about it, but if you are both planning for him to have dd all day while you go on your pamper day then he will have lots of time then!

TBH I know there is no way on earth i would have left any of mine so young and the fact that they were all bf meant i couldnt as none of them would take a bottle and apart from nourishment bf was a wonderful source of comfort for them and I would have wanted to take that away from them.

jkklpu · 02/04/2010 07:50

YANBU in the sentiment but your likely exhaustion probably didn't help you to explain. He'd probably be more amenable to a "rational" argument about not being able to express that much milk, not wanting him to have to deal with al the night feeds, not wanting to make the baby feel insecure at the separation rather than an argument based on "I don't want that." I don't know if there are other issues relating to your mil, but any chance you could suggest that you could all stay there if the above doesn't work? Don't forget that it could well be that from your dh's pov this would have been a welcome offer to give you a good night's sleep. He won't have thought of the feeding rhythm and how much hard work it is to express while feeding full-time in order to have that happen.

Good luck and try not to let it spoil your lovely day.

Madascheese · 02/04/2010 08:02

Is there a reason your MIL can't come to stay at yours, then she can be there for the day and the night. You can show her where everything is and suggest maybe she'd like to have a turn at the housework/gardening/housepainting/re-roofing as well.

Original poster
Fibilou · 02/04/2010 08:04

no room, madascheese - we only have the one bedroom + nursery

OP posts:
seeker · 02/04/2010 08:04

I'm not sure about the practicality of this with such a small baby - please ignore me if I'm speaking out of turn.

Are you sure that you will be able to express enough milk for her for the 9 to 6 bit, never mind the overnight? I know I couldn't have - I am in awe if you can! And are you going to be expressing regularly throughout the day? You'll need to or you'll be in agony. Are you going to throw that milk away or is your dh going to come and collect it?

And a small point - not sure why any of this is your MIL's fault - you said it was your dh who "wanted a turn"!

aviatrix · 02/04/2010 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fibilou · 02/04/2010 08:06

Seeker, sorry you got that impression - this is nothing to do with MIL - it was DH who said she would like to have DD overnight. MIL has not been involved at all.

OP posts:
l39 · 02/04/2010 08:08

To be honest this would seem odd to me even if there wasn't a small baby involved.

You'll be away all day, then your husband is going to his mum's overnight? Is there some reason he'd go to her house on this date? If so can you change the pamper day so you two aren't separated for so long?

(My Dh works away for over a week at times, that's no big deal. But arranging a separation for no work reason seems odd.)

As to taking one of my babies away for 24 hours, I'd be livid if Dh had tried to do that! I don't think it has ever happened until at least the age of two.

Original poster
Fibilou · 02/04/2010 08:08

And Ive been expressing about 6oz daily and freezing it for the daytime. So far I have 18floz.

OP posts:
posieparker · 02/04/2010 08:09

Fib...is this your first baby? Perhaps a spa day would be better in a a couple of months rather than a few weeks.

Original poster
Fibilou · 02/04/2010 08:10

l39, he is taking her over to his mum's for the day - he thought staying would give a night's sleep. However DD only wakes once in the night so this is nt an issue.

OP posts:
somebodysfool · 02/04/2010 08:18

Hi its going to very painful for you if you are only used to expressing a certain amount and could even unsettle your milk production. Your breasts are finely tuned instruments that react with alarming speed to supply and demand. I remember leaving my 7 week old for a whole day to attend a do for my mums 70th and being in extreme pain by the time I got home despite expressing a couple of times in the toilet . Yes I was able to express the extra milk but it involved having a hot bath and honestly in a couple of days my son was unhappy with feeding with I can only put down to a reduction in milk. I would use this argument if I was you. I don't think you YABU at all but your DH is.

toldyouso · 02/04/2010 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firawla · 02/04/2010 08:25

yanbu this doesn't sound good @ all. if you are not happy with it that should be end of discussion especially with a baby so young. i dont understand why dh would want to insist on this especially if it wasn't even mil's idea?

Original poster
Fibilou · 02/04/2010 08:30

She's 8 weeks now and will happily take a bottle. However in the evening she doesn't like taking a bottle; she will take a bit of it but still cries for the breast for comfort. She will go bananas if she can't suckle during the evening.

I'm not going to get into a discussion with DH about this anymore - it's just a flat "no". The main problem is going to be that he is utterly determined it seems to keep her out as long as possible and as we only have the one car I will be stuck at home. He said last night "well she will be out until at least 10 cos I'm spending the evening at Mum's" at which I had a fit. Usually DH is lovely but when he gets something in his head that he wants to do and I try to "thwart" it he gets very intransigent. He isn't considering DD's best interests, simply that he wants to have her for the whole day and evening

I think I will just say that if they are not home by 7 I will be catching a taxi the 30 miles to MILs and he can jolly well pay for it.

OP posts:
seeker · 02/04/2010 08:31

I think some people thought this was a MIL thing because you posted "why i do not want to be separated from DD (8 weeks) for over 24 hours just so his mother can have her in the house overnight ?" Sorry - obviously a misunderstanding!

Have you thought about how you will organize the expressing during the day?

To be honest, for me a day like this would have been significantly more trouble that it was worth at this stage. In a month or two it'll be heaven - and then you will enjoy the night off too, but certainly for me 8 weeks would have been too soon.

Could you arrange a weekend where you do things that you ant to do and dh does all the childcare? You could arrange an evening out with friends or something like that?

l39 · 02/04/2010 08:36

Definitely take the taxi, Fibilou.

I'm thinking of you coming home to an empty house, not having seen your tiny baby all day, and counting the hours till your dh will permit you to see her again, and it's actually making me quite upset!

aendr · 02/04/2010 08:38

You also might be asking for mastitis if you go that long without having a baby suckle if you're not used to exclusively pumping. So, there's a health argument for you to go with the supply and breast-comfort arguments.

Xenia · 02/04/2010 08:39

No normal mother in law who understands breastfeeding would accept this. You're an adult. Just refuse. No one can force you.

Normal breastfed babies don't accept or want bottles in the night. It's a silly suggestion.

He probably just doesn't understand it is so much more than getting food into a child. I worked full time from 2 weeks with all the babies although the last two could be brought for me to feed. Expressing is an awful bother and your breasts anyway need to be emptied as normal by the baby at night at the times you would normally feed and the baby wants its routines and comfort. They should both be praising you as a good mother. I suggest they are sent on a mandatory breastfeeding propaganda video weekend and strapped to seats for 12 hours a day made to watch DVDs about how breastfeeding works.

KnottyLocks · 02/04/2010 08:41

Your breasts will be screaming to feed by the evening, so I'd imagine you would be in extreme discomfort by morning and very engorged. Is it worth risking mastitis for and distrupting a well established routine?

I think your DH could be letting himself in for a very distrupted night if DD refuses the bottle. She'll have been bottle fed all day by then. If she's anything like my two, she'll be rather fed up with it all by then and will protesting!

I'm struggling to understand why he would want to do this when there is really no need. It could negate your pamper day - causing you stress and discomfort.

Perhaps you could have trial run? How long has DD been left with DH? Has he fed her with a bottle?

OrmRenewed · 02/04/2010 08:41

"at which I had a fit"

Perhaps you could not have ' a fit' and tell him why. I don't think it's ever reasonable to expect compliance without explanation. He's her parent too.