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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have to explain to husband

93 replies

Fibilou · 02/04/2010 07:43

why i do not want to be separated from DD (8 weeks) for over 24 hours just so his mother can have her in the house overnight ?

Backstory - I am going for a pamper day on the 20th April and DH is taking DD for the day. This would mean me leaving her from about 9am unti about 6pm (she is exclusively breast fed)

Last night DH said something about "you'll need to express a lot of milk because I intend to take her to Mum's overnight".

At this point a row erupted as I said there was no way he was having her overnight as well as all day, I won't go into it as it was rather tedious but basically it boils down to "I want a turn". In the end I stopped trying to justify my reasons for not wanting her away overnight and said "I don't want to be away from her that long"

AIBU to think I shouldn't have to get upset and defensive explaining to my own husband why I don't want to be away from my very small baby for quite such a long time ?

OP posts:

Hassled · 02/04/2010 08:42

I'd just postpone the pamper day, tbh. Sounds like way more hassle than it's worth while the baby's so little. Wait until you're absolutely desperate for a break and you might actively want the night apart.

YoginiZonini · 02/04/2010 08:43

well said xenia

OrmRenewed · 02/04/2010 08:43

But you are right that it isn't going to work. I just don't think you are reasonable not to want to explain.

Personally I think I'd have hated a spa day with a tiny baby

BouncingTurtle · 02/04/2010 08:51

Your baby is still very tiny , your DH is being completely unreasonable - what is the longest you have left her so far? Because I think 9-6pm, is quite a long time for both of you, you may find yourself getting very uncomfortable as the day progresses.
The chances are at some point, especially if your DH is determined to keep her out, she will be wanting you and letting her dad know about it.
I think it is early enough that there is the possibility of supply issues as well.

Personally I would put the spa day off a couple of months. I didn't feel comfortable leaving my DS for more than half a day until he was 8 months old and starting to get to grips with solids.

I know it seems like a long time, but in all honesty you baby is only going to be this tiny for such a short period, you have plenty of time to go to a spa
And do you think you would honestly enjoy if your worried about a potential row when you insist on your DH bringing your DD back home when you get in?

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 02/04/2010 08:51

I couldn't have managed a day like that at 8 weeks, let alone the night and I wasn't BF!
When DD2 was 12 wks I had tickets for DH and I to go see a show in London, I honestly couldn't be separated from her for the whole day. DH knew it was going to be too hard for me and even agreed to forgo the day out that I'd booked when PG, it was his 30th Birthday present from me.
In the end, my mum came down to London with us and DD2, she had a lovely few hours in Covent Garden whilst we went to the show.
Can you postpone your day for a couple of months as TBH, your boobs are gonna kill and your going to miss that tiny baby an awfull lot.
And yes, your DH is BU, if you're going to go, either baby comes home or catch that taxi!!!

lucky1979 · 02/04/2010 08:57

All this talk of "he is keeping her" and "he wants to have her for the day and evening" so on, I had to double check your post because it sounds like he is your ex rather than your current partner who doesn't see the baby very much.

So either you're controlling and not letting him do anything with the baby when you're at home, or he has serious control issues of his own. His insistance of taking her AWAY from you rather than planning a break for you is a bit odd. He's not taking your DDs needs into acount either, which would worry me, he wants to use her to prove a point rather than to make sure her needs are best met.

Either way, can you sit down calmly and say "I will miss DD during the day and want to see her when I get home and I'm not sure I can express enough milk to cover the evening as well", and suggest going to MILs another day?

iMum · 02/04/2010 08:58

Is this a pamper day at home then? who is pushing for it you or dh? tbh I wouldnt bother with it all-whats the point!

I'd rather be with my very new baby than stewing over all this or to be fair have some "me" time

iMum · 02/04/2010 08:58

that should have read "or to be fair having some me time"

Sparkletastic · 02/04/2010 09:02

Postpone the pamper day.

thesteelfairy2 · 02/04/2010 09:13

Agree with postponement, all issues disappear then don't they?

I do wonder though why he is being so argumentative about this though. My ex was a bit like this, I didn't like ds going over to MIL when small for various valid reasons and he became quite nasty about it. Agree with lucky1979 about this thing about keeping her away from you. He is not taking your DD's or your best interests into account because he seems to want to "win" this situation.

Fel1x · 02/04/2010 09:13

It sounds like you are both being stubborn!!
You are saying to your DH 'you cant have DD longer than the time I specify and I will not explain why, tough' and DH is saying 'well I will have her as long as I want'
You need to calmly explain to DH that if he keeps DD out longer than 7pm then DD will be v unhappy as she is used to BFing in the evenings and is not happy to take a bottle then. You will also be in discomfort from not having fed so long and you will be in danger of messing up your milk supply or getting mastitis. You will also be upset at not having seen DD for so long as she is so little.

I'd also point out to him that he may think its no problem being out overnight as she only wakes up once but if she hasnt been able to feed all evening as usual from you then I'd bet money she will have a disturbed night!! Plus the first morning feed is a big one and you wouldnt be there for that either if they stayed out all night.

All completely impractical and not all appropriate right now while she is so small.

Can you show DH this thread?
Or alternatively if you get on well with MIL and she understands BFing could you chat to her about how worried you are about DH not getting home in time for the evening feeding as you are feeling like he doesnt understand how important it is? She will then hopefully be kicking DH out the door when he should be leaving!!

Xenia · 02/04/2010 09:16

I do think people don't always reaslise the mother's need to breastfeed too. Plenty of times the baby could cope but you have that biological and physiological and indeed psychological need to do it regularly. It is not just a means of feeding. If he can't understand that because he's a bit thick or won't read books on it then he just needs to stay out of it as it will soon all be over. I fed my 5 including twins and despite working full time for each time over a year, nearly 2 sometimes and even now (the oldest is 25) I can remember that need in me to breastfeed. He is so so lucky to have a wife who does this - he should be in awe and supportive.

ElleBing · 02/04/2010 09:18

Can you go to MILs after your pamper day? Might be nice to be looked after by MIL on the evening too. I know my MIL would have loved the chance to help out a bit more when LO was tiny but me being the control freak wouldn't let her.

YANBU, btw.

wonka · 02/04/2010 09:35

Agree with Ellebing, my MIL loves being around for bathtime and seeing them settled for the night! But lives so far away its once in a blue moon.
On another noter I left my 10 week old for an overnight (waits to be stonned) who had more than happily been taking one bottle a day. Hewent ballistic at the third bottle in a row. Screamed so much my mother called me to come home we couldn't get a train till the morning and from then on completely refused the bottle!

elvislives · 02/04/2010 10:13

I left my 11 month old for a day to go to a music festival. By the time we got home in the early hours of the morning I was in so much pain I had to wake him up to feed, to relieve the pressure.

When you think how much less often an 11 mo feeds than an 8 week old I can't see how you will manage TBH.

ChippingIn · 02/04/2010 12:08

I also think being away from her from 9-6 will be more than enough for you (your breasts).

I can't believe how selfish your DH is being - he's keeping her away because he wants to spend the evening at his mothers, because he wants to spend the night, because he wants a turn - tell him that it is not about him - it is about your DD and what SHE needs!!

BritFish · 02/04/2010 12:44

i get your side, i really do, and i understand how uncomfortable its going to be for you to even go on a pampering day anyway [you lucky thing]

but im a bit concerned, as lucky1979 has said, i thought he was your ex at first, you attitude towards him spending time with his child is a bit worrying.
he's allowed a turn as well, you obviously enjoy 1-to-1 time with your child, why cant he? im not saying in this situation its right, as obviously its not as you might be in pain.

but the way you seem so indignant at him having a turn with her and taking her to his mothers... if it was another time when you werent going to be away the whole day, if he took her to his mothers for a few hours, would you still be angry then?

i think some women undervalue the fact that men need to bond with the baby too, and its nice to have the baby away from mum so the dad can do that. my DH and MIL had plenty of afternoons when my two were tiny babies, because i think its really important for your child to bond with its father in its own right, not just as part of the mother/father package.

posieparker · 02/04/2010 15:26

Whilst a baby is bf the mother gets to decide EVERYTHING in my book, the chemical and emotional connection outweighs anything else.

diddl · 02/04/2010 15:37

Well from husbands point of view, you are already stocking up on milk & are willing to be parted 9hrs, so he obviously can´t see why a few more would matter.

It sounds as though given the chance to have baby to himself he is trying to get as much time as possible.

GeekOfTheWeek · 02/04/2010 15:38

I would postpone the pamper day tbh.

Unless you express whilst you are there, your breasts may become engorged and painful.

I think your husband is being a bit of an arse. Keeping a tiny baby out to make a point is pathetic.

diddl · 02/04/2010 15:41

It´s sad that husband feels he needs to make such a point.

CarGirl · 02/04/2010 15:44

I just don't think I would have left me bf baby that long for the pamper day tbh. I wouldn't have been able to do much as by the afternoon I would have been so engorged!

Can you get your dh to pick you up from the pamper day and explain to him that your body will be desperate to feed baby by then???

I would postpone the pamper day tbh until you can really enjoy it.

UnquietDad · 02/04/2010 15:44

I'm not sure I quite get this. He is trying to give you a night off from the baby and you are moaning at him for trying to arrange it? If you "throw a fit" at him I wouldn't blame him for not offering again.

We just can't win.

diddl · 02/04/2010 15:50

What I don´t understand is if you will be home, why is husband intending to stay the night at his mum´s?

MeMudmagnet · 02/04/2010 17:33

It sound like he doesn't really understand how bf works.

I left my 12wk old baby with dh a bottle for a few hours, to go and get my hair done.

When I was driving home, my breasts were nearly exploding and my top was soaked. I came in the house to find dh happily giving dd her bottle. He was really put out when I asked to have her so I could bf. But he just didn't understand.

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