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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have to explain to husband

93 replies

Fibilou · 02/04/2010 07:43

why i do not want to be separated from DD (8 weeks) for over 24 hours just so his mother can have her in the house overnight ?

Backstory - I am going for a pamper day on the 20th April and DH is taking DD for the day. This would mean me leaving her from about 9am unti about 6pm (she is exclusively breast fed)

Last night DH said something about "you'll need to express a lot of milk because I intend to take her to Mum's overnight".

At this point a row erupted as I said there was no way he was having her overnight as well as all day, I won't go into it as it was rather tedious but basically it boils down to "I want a turn". In the end I stopped trying to justify my reasons for not wanting her away overnight and said "I don't want to be away from her that long"

AIBU to think I shouldn't have to get upset and defensive explaining to my own husband why I don't want to be away from my very small baby for quite such a long time ?

OP posts:
stressheaderic · 02/04/2010 18:23

"Whilst a baby is bf the mother gets to decide EVERYTHING in my book, the chemical and emotional connection outweighs anything else."

I'm shocked at this post....it makes me think how glad I am NOT to be breastfeeding. My dd (6 weeks) loves being with her daddy so much, loves being fed by him and is happy to be left alone with him, sometimes for the whole night (when I've slept in the spare room to catch up on some sleep).
He is equally her parent and I want her to always feel like this. Brilliant for him too, he loves their time together so much, and feels confident about caring for her when I'm not around.

I have left her with my mum for 3 hours when I had my hair done, and 6 hours when DP and I went for a meal and shopping (twice). We were glad of the break and my mum was thrilled to spend quality time with her.

I attribute this to us both feeling happy and energetic, and not that tired considering her age. DD is a happy little soul who gets lots of time with both parents, and hardly ever cries.

I don't think you should postpone the day. At almost 3 months old, you will probably really enjoy the break and will be appreciative of the time away, whilst looking forward to seeing her when you get home. I do think he should visit his mother for the evening/night another time though, although I can understand his 'man's logic' of having a large chunk of time to himself with baby, and an extended break for you. Men think differently to women...having a fit about it solves nothing.

posieparker · 02/04/2010 18:47

Stress, I'm thinking you don't feel the very strong connection with your child that most mothers do then. Biologically mothers and babies are more strongly connected than fathers and babies, our bodies know before they are hungry(maybe you've lost this because you don't bf...I don't know)...our breast leek when they cry, I would always wake a few seconds before my baby, we were very in tune with eachother. Maybe this isn't the case with you, I couldn't have left my child so many times and for so long with a grandparent.

posieparker · 02/04/2010 18:50

PS....My first two babies cried less than ten times between them in their first year...the next two were not the same. Be careful before you pat yourself on the back, I have learnt(the hard way) that happy babies have little to do with their parents!!

CliffBarnsby · 02/04/2010 18:59

It really gets to me when people claim to NOT breastfeed because they need time. I really try to not judge, and generally don't care how you feed your baby but when I start getting told that FF is better and is why so-and-so is happy (or not happy, if they are not FF) ... [mad] I get up and go take care of my horse for 2 hours every morning and go back at night and also go to college one day a week - all while EBF. It is called scheduling a little around your child and isn't very difficult on most days.

Anyway, DD1 was fine with a bottle and I left her 2 days a week to go to school (college) - for about 4 hours - from 6 mo onwards.

DD2 is NOT fine with a bottle and I leave hr 1 day a week to go to college for about 4 hours (she is 6 mo BTW).

Both DD's were hungry when I got home and I was engorged every time, even still at 6 mo as DD2 still nurses about every 3 hours in the day. Even with DD1 (who bottle fed like a pro) it would be uncomfortable for me to be gone any longer than 5 hours or so, even less time at only 3 months.

I really don't see how you being away all night would benefit anyone - do you co-sleep? If you do that is something else to think of (DD2 won't sleep at night with her Dad). I honestly think that long of a time period during the day at 2-3 months is pushing it - as a few other posters suggested BFing is not just about food and not just about baby.

CliffBarnsby · 02/04/2010 19:01

PS - I do get up early to be back before DP goes to work, and DD2 is only 2 - so don't have hours and hours of extra time by any standard but still manage to find some 'me' time - even while EBFing.

Sorry - that is no help to you OP, and I hope you get a nice relaxing day without worrying about anything.

Dirtgirl · 02/04/2010 19:10

OMG shudder! Even at 7 months if I spent a day away from DS my tits would be spurting all over the place. 8 weeks! All I can say is owww mastitis!!! It would be physically impossible in my experience, that or very uncomfortable. I never got much relief from pumping.

And pumping all that much before hand would mean more milk production.

Hullygully · 02/04/2010 19:14

I can't quite decide out of the three of you who is the maddest.

posieparker · 02/04/2010 19:15

three of who? OP, OP's DH and MIL?

Xenia · 02/04/2010 23:04

It's a biological and psychologial need. It's wonderful and not to be knocked. I was back at work in 2 weeks but still had that, still had to get home early to get the baby back latched on, needed the fees every few hours. It's pleasurable and symbiotic. It's hormonal and bonding and lovely. You never get enough written about the pleasure of breastfeeding, the oxytocin, the sheer joy of it and the fact it's a perfectly natural mutual need. Any man who just sees it as feeding needs to be taken on a tour of wonderful oil paintings in London art galleries a sensual experience in itself showing women feeding. ANyway you either get and understand this or you don't and if you don't then the loss is yours.

thesecondcoming · 02/04/2010 23:28

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chiccadee · 02/04/2010 23:36

UnquietDad - hope you're taking the michael.

YANBU, OP. Strongly support you and reiterate the views of (most) of the previous posters. Suggest you ignore unhelpful posts re bottlefeeding - you are doing the best for your DD and should be supported all the way in your choice.

It's great that your DH has such confidence with your DD - mine didn't at that age! But maybe (as already suggested) your DH just isn't that clued up yet on how BFing works. Does he support BFing in principle? If so, explaining the physical need for both you and DD to BF might work, as suggested. If he struggles with the concept though or is keen to see your DD moved onto a bottle, then this might not be as convincing.

OprahWinfrey · 02/04/2010 23:47

YANBU I don't think your dh understands, or might be a little over confident.

He is trying to be helpful though. His intention is good

ScreaminEagle · 02/04/2010 23:49

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ScreaminEagle · 02/04/2010 23:52

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stressheaderic · 02/04/2010 23:52

Did not mean to stir up the bf v ff debate, nor will I mention it further, how people feed their children is their business. Will also ignore the "very strong connection that most mothers feel" dig.

I just wanted to balance the argument by suggesting we try to see the DH's point of view. Perhaps he is feeling pushed out...
Although there is no question at all that there is a biological connection between mother and child, and with that comes a strong bond - I still believe fathers have just as important a role to play.
DP and I are a team, we are both equal parents to our daughter, we share the responsibilities where possible, and it is working for us.
Possibly the OP needs to compromise here - perhaps she could drive to the MILs straight after the pampering day? Or at least listen to her partner's request and try to fully understand what it is he is asking, and why - some men can be tricky buggers to spit out the truth sometimes!

ScreaminEagle · 02/04/2010 23:56

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thesecondcoming · 02/04/2010 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Casmama · 03/04/2010 00:54

"PS....My first two babies cried less than ten times between them in their first year"

I simply don't believe you - if this is the case I would have taken my child to the doctor as for the fist year crying is one of a childs main methods of communication so to cry this infrequently would have indicted a problem to me.
As for the rest of your smug post - it is in no way helpful to anyone.

OP perhaps you need to remember that you are both parents to your dd and it is important to remember that she needs to bond with your dh too. It sounds like it has turned into a battle of wills which won't help anyone. You need to have a calm conversation about it and remember this is all new to him too.

Jetbaby · 03/04/2010 01:17

I recently went on a pamper day - DD is nearly 8mo and I expressed (needed to) twice during the day and she feeds much less now than she did at 11 weeks.

Also, you say that you feed DD once in the night. If DH has DD for the night, then you will still need to get up once in the night to express or you will feel very uncomfortable in the morning. It won't be giving you a break.

I agree with the others that you should probably postpone the pamper day.

YANBU not to leave your DD for 24 hrs. YABU not to give DH a rational explanation as to why you don't want to leave DD for so long.

nellyjane · 03/04/2010 10:15

I recently went on my best friend's hen weekend. My 12 week old DS and my DH came along with me - the three of us stayed in accommodation next door to the rest of the 'hens'. We took along a load of frozen breast milk and the plan was for me to join in with hen weekend activities as much as possible, popping back and forth to feed as needed, with DH giving him bottled breast milk in between.

It all worked out pretty much to plan - DS and DH had a lovely time together and DS happily took a couple of bottles. What I hadn't taken into account before the trip was my own need to be with DS - physically and emotionally. The first time I left him I felt quite anxious and upset (for no obvious reason - DH is a fantastic dad).

The longest I was able to be apart from him was 4 hours. I had a lovely time with my friends, but I thought about DS the whole time, and my boobs were tingling and throbbing at hourly intervals, getting more and more swollen. By the time I got back to him I was desperate to feed him, but also to cuddle him and talk to him and have him smile at me.

I'm glad we did it. I now know I can go off for some very important me time now and again and the world will not come to an end. But I also know I wouldn't want to miss more than one or two feeds.

posieparker · 03/04/2010 16:34

Quite frankly I couldn't care less who believes me about how much my first two babies cried, neither cried when they had jabs, or when hungry or when tired....both moaned a very soft moan and would sleep without being fed to sleep, rocked to sleep....in fact one you could put on the floor and he would just drift off.

And the connection line is a valid one, I didn't say love, most mothers wouldn't want to be away from their babies at 6 weeks and under...this poster had had nights away and long periods whilst the child was away with her mother. And mothers, all I thought but maybe only if you bf, are in tune with their babies in a way a father could never be.

And I am totally enjoying sitting in my smarmy superior place, thanks.

thatsnotmymonkey · 03/04/2010 16:53

Have read all the posts and OP, I think you need to consider putting off the pamper day, as lovely as it sounds. If you are EBF and BF throughout the day your breasts will be massively engorged and sore. I could not enjoy any form of pamper with my breasts aching like that and I would be paranoid that I would be leaking into the jacuzzi!!

I agree with oprah, you DH is essentially trying to do the right thing, but it is not the right time.

Just ask yourself this, can you go to the pamper day with a breast pump in your bag and a stash of bpads to soak up all your leaks? I think this would negate the experience TBH!

I hope you work it out with your DH and get a break away, what about booking a facial at a local salon as a compromise? DH can take baby for a couple of hours and you can get some me time.

screamingeagle I EBF my DS and I think that you have every right to be annoyed at stressheads post, it was out of order!

stressheaderic · 03/04/2010 17:05

Just to clarify - it was not my post that ScreamingEagle was annoyed about, it was the preceding one by posieparker, which I do consider still to be quite harshly put.

And also to clarify, I have not spent a night away from my daughter, nor would I for quite some time, it is still very early days.

OP I hope you've been able to talk this over with your DP and come to a compromise which suits all sides.

chipmonkey · 03/04/2010 17:06

I went to a pamper day with my pump and insulated bag and it worked out fine. ds3 was about 6months old at the time though. I expressed twice during the day. At 8 weeks you would probably need to express 3 times.

thatsnotmymonkey · 03/04/2010 17:07

sorry stressed!