Fusy children who is responsible?

[Lonnie]

the wedding with the curry menu made me write this so I gues its not so much a am "I" being unresonable as it is a is it resonable to expect others to cather for your fussy child/your own fussyness

I have a fussy child she is 6 she regularly gets served a bowl of plain rice or a slice of bread for dinner when she refuses to try stuff she hasnt. I dont make a big deal out of it but neither will I pamper to it. If we have been invited out for meals I ensure I have a small amount of snacks in my bag for her (less so now at age 6 as ther is always something but definetly when she was younger) I accept it is "my" child that is fussy and I do not expect the world to revolve around this.

No do I make 2-3-4 different meals I will expect genuine dislikes (dd1 doesnt like mash potatoes - she has a few boiled put aside - ds doesnt like rice he gets a slice of bread dd2 isnt keen on green grapes I dont expect her to eat them) I do not accept today i will eat tomatoes but tomorrow I wont however on Wednesday I will throw a tantrum when you dont have any.. I was shocked to discover recently that many of my childrens friends come from homes where the parents regularly cook 2-4 different meals. To me that is unresonable and it also in my opinion have us raising a bunch of induviduals whom belives everything can be changed their way and there for doesnt teach tolerance and a certain willingness to work together.

I am not advocating we start serving vindaloo to small children not am I suggesting we force feed them however in my book there is nothing wrong with a slice of bread and butter if you decide today you do not like the meal you last week had 3 portions off.

What is everyones opinion? if you have a fussy child do you expect others to cater for that or do you see it as your own issue to deal with if you do not have a fussy child how do you view fussy children? what about adults (I know 1 grown up man whom wont eat vegetables at home - he ate a vegetarian meal at my house when it was served and even said it was nice - for the record I didnt know about the veggie refusal at home until after they had been for dinner lol)

what do you think what is resonable in this what is unresonable?

I think you've contradicted yourself in your post.

You say you will give your child rice/bread if they dont like a meal... but cant understand folk giving separate meals to their children as they wil be raising kids who think everything can be changed to go their way

my children eat what they are given or go hungry. They have rarely gone hungry. Having said that none of mine have any allergies, and i accept that i might feel differently in that case. As it stands i don't 'do' fussiness over food, and i'm pretty intolerant of it in anyone. If you don't like something don't eat it, but don't expect others to run around finding something you will eat.

DD is 2.9 she's not fussy. She won't always eat every meal and that's fine she will eat at the next meal. I've always been of the thinking that I'm not going to pander to her. DP on the other hand is very fussy - though in the 8 years we have been together I have managed to expand his tastes a little in that time. His fussyness I put down to his mother letting him eat crisps and milk at every meal at 2 years old because that was all he would eat

If I invite someone, be the adult or child, to my home and find I have inadvertantly cooked something they don't really dislike. I would probably offer them something else if it were convenient.

Fussy children. Certainly wouldn't cater separately for them on a day to day basis, but then I wouldn't go out of my way to cook stuff I know they don't like.

If they liked it last week then they can eat it this week. No alternatives offered, including bread and butter.

But I would not go the way of our parents generation which made food a battleground. Insisting someone eats something they find disgusting is abusive.

My DS has always been "fussy". But eats a variety of good plain food, including vegetables, so I have always ignored the fact he regards fruit as the work of the devil. And we have recently found out he is dyspraxic, and one of the symptoms is extreme sensitivity to textures and tastes. I am glad I never forced him to eat fruit and certain other foods on a principle, which several people suggested I do, because we now know he experiences it as pain.

Now I know that being contrary about food without SN is common, but I believe that is to do with power struggles with parents, rather than food issues. Children need boundaries, and boundaries around food, without becoming a battleground are important.

So I am with OP inasmuch don't pander to sudden dislikes on a whim, because it probably has nothing to do with food. But don't label a child a "fussy"eater just because they won't eat something you regard as benign. They are as entitled as adults to simply not like something.

I mean, cook something they really dislike (have memories of my poor friend politely munching her way through a red pepper stew when she loathed and abhored them...and never said a word til months later)

I have three kids... one fussy but improving, one who'd eat your hand if you left it too close to his plate but still has some definite dislikes although will try andything and one who's only a baby so has his moods but seems to take after the good eater rather than the fussy one.

They've all been treated the same way with regard to food (zero tolerance, you eat it or you go hungry)... although the fussy one was the only purree weaned and has intolerances so maybe that contributed?

I treat other peoples kids the same way when they're here, ie if you don't eat what's given to you then you go home hungry, but it astonishes me how bizarrely picky some of them are... lots of 'i only eat white bread', 'i only like nutella chocolate spread' and 'i don't like that brand of yogurt'.... even my fussy one isn't that annoying picky!

What a weird OP, You ARE pandering to it!! you give them bread or rice when they don't eat what they've been given!!

Zone said I think you've contradicted yourself in your post.

You say you will give your child rice/bread if they dont like a meal... but cant understand folk giving separate meals to their children as they wil be raising kids who think everything can be changed to go their way

I supose you could say that yes I understand how you view it that way for me it was more a matter of as I have seen in many homes 1 serving of pizza 1 of risotto 1 of pasta with cheese sauce 1 of sausages and mash to me it is not making an extra to throw a packet of rice in the microwave for 2 mins or getting out a slice of bread but yes I accept that can be seen the way you saw it.. I dont feel I am contraditing myself however but I do get why others would feel I was.

Tulips I had one girl come over for tea whom wouldnt eat the carrtos because I had cut them into rounds not sticks like her mother did when I said to her mother she hadnt eaten the carrots (that I had been told she loved) she said oh she will only eat them in sticks cucumber has to be in circles and tomatoes in quarters.. to me thats just not happening you eat it as I cooked it/cut it as the case may be or you go without.

DS hasn't had the chance to be fussy because we've all been out and about eating at restaurants where there's a variety of food on the table and he's open to experimenting, and it's the same at home. he's learned that it's good to try different foods and I've also made a point of trying new foods in front of him which I wouldn't normally have eaten (thanks to DH encouragement!) and so it's good for DS to see that it's a positive thing to try something new.

We all eat the same meal at lunch and evenings because I haven't got the energy to cook seperate foods. DS eats most foods and what he doesn't like he leaves on the plate. I don't agree to pandering but in certain situations where he's been v tired or had a long day out then sometimes a slice of toast and cheese spread is enough to keep him satisfied if he's in a funny mood about eating what we're eating but this rarely happens these days.

so you don't pander to it, but you do give her something differtent if she won't eat a meal?
and you take her snacks in case she refuses to eat while out?

my kids go through fussy periods. they eat what they're given or they go without.

I have since a little girl hated certain types of meat, especially sausages, bacon, mince and ham.

I haven't learnt this from anyone as everyone i grew up around eats this crap like no tomorrow, i still don't eat or like these meats.

My mum never allowed me to have seperate meals and as we were dirt poor mince and cheap sausages were served most days and i often went without dinner or just eating the veg or potato/carbs served alongside.
Dispite me agreeing not to serve seperate meals for people if they are being generaly fussy, i would always make sure the meal had something they would eat, or have something that could easily be added to it for them.

however some children/people honestly do not like or even hate certain foods/textures and will never change.
I would say if your child is regulary refusing a certain food and has for a long time not eaten it and gone hungry for it then you should try and cater for them a bit more.

I always try new things, and often have a mouthful of shepheards pie or whatever to try and see if i find it ok, but in 25 yrs its always been no.

It's eat or go hungry in our house too I am afraid. ds will eat what ever is put in front of him.

There are a few things which he really doesn't like after having tried them a few times, ie raw tomatoes, but he is polite enough to eat them anyway if given them at someone elses house or a restaurant (just like I can't stand sea food and wouldn't serve it at home, but would eat it if given it at a friends house to be polite).

Tis very difficult to have a 'fussy' child. DS1 is a fussy eater...he wasn't always like that though and I think the blame lies with me for pandering to him.

Ds2 used to eat very well but is going through a very fussy stage....I am choosing to treat it as just a stage though and not pander to it....

For the OPs orignal question, I would not expect other people to pander to my fussy eater. I would see it as my responsibility to have with me some snacky things they will eat. It would be ridiculous to bother someone with ''Little Johnny won't eat xxxx could you make some yyyy instead??'

For adults though, I would expect them to have the manners to eat what was on offer. I regard my DH as fairy fussy and I have seen him eat some food socially that he would never eat at home...eg feta cheese

Its not always that simple! Some children are fussy eaters.

My son and his cousin are really difficult. They're brought up in different households obviously and I try loads of things, e.g. we had a neighbours child over, we cooked pizza together with healthy toppings. She ate it. DS didn't try. His cousin is apparently malnourished according to the GP. So really, as a parent is it eat the dinner on the table or go hungry?

Some people on this thread with their eat or go hungry line obviously have no experience of a child who is not that interested in trying new foods.

Oh and OP of course I'm responsible for my fussy eater. I'll offer him alternatives all week long until I'm satisfied he has eaten enough to survive on.

dd another fussy eater - but the 'eat or go hungry' approach wouldn't work. i've seen her refuse ALL food for a week & literally shrink before my eyes. so, i serve what she likes, or just give her bread. if it is something she does like, then she has to have it. if she's round at someone else's house, she just goes hungry, or tries a bit first.

however, she has 'ishoos' about food/meds etc, and we are seeing a psych. every week for the forseeable to try & resolve some of this. she also stops eating if upset over things.

both mine & dh's parents were 'eat what you're given' types - but then they grew up during rationing, so had to really.

meemo

as I said in the op I accept genuine dislikes I also accept that dd3 is fussy however I do not find it pampering saying yu may eat a bowl of rice or a slice of bread and nothing else you might I dont I find it teaching her if she isnt willing to try whats on the table she gets bland dull food and she doesnt get dessert nor does she get attention as it gets plonked down in front of her and the rest of the kids gets the attention thats how it works for me you may do it differently but to me no thats not pandering it is ensuring the fussy child doesnt take over a meal and makes it into a battle zone like ive seen many do.

If I serve something I know some of them dont like I do not see a issue with offering another option

Mine does go hungry. In fact she is capable of eating very little for days on end. She is tiny. I do pander to her, sometimes, just to get some calories in. She's just an odd little character, really. They sre all different, you know.

I think there are better things to worry about than whether other peoples' children are fussy or not.

dd2 (8) is under a dietician. She eats a very narrow diet but according to the dietician it is finely balanced (Ie she stopped eating sausages but replaced them with ham) . We have been advised to make meals and if she doesn't eat ,to ignore. During the day to give free access to fruit (which she eats tons of) and snacks of yoghurt and cereal. This seems to have stopped the tantrums and vomitting.

When she goes to friends houses I warn the MUms who usually just give her pizza!

I am lucky...my two are generally not fussy, and the stuff they genuinely don't like, I don't make them eat. However, I do one meal...that's it...

As a child I was a terribly fussy eater. Inhave very strong memories of being shouted at by my parents and of being forced to spend my entire lunch time in infant school sat in front a plate of cold congealing food. It didn't make me eat it, just really gave me a phobia of vegetables.

As an adult, my dh really helped me to broaden my diet and although I still have quite a phobia around texture/ fibrousness of fruit and veg, I will now eat almost anything.

I have been really worried about my children inheriting my fussiness. So far, DD who is 5 eats well although as she has got older she has become more reluctant to try new things. DS (2) is not as good as her but does ok. My approach has been to make as little fuss as possible but not to offer substitutes if they don't eat a meal. I also have a policy with DD that you have to try 3 mouthfuls before you can say you don't like something. If works for DD although I appreciate it wouldn't work for every child.

However, on the basis of my own experience, you cannot force a child to eat, just encourage them not to be fussy. There was nothing at all anyone could have done to make me eat vegetables as a child, really it was practically physical, just the texture and smell would make me physically sick.

some kids are just fussy and no one is to blame

mksing life easy by offering an alternative but not pandering to it by cooking entirely different meal is my way of dealing with it

I have two children. One will eat anything and everything. The other one is fussy.

This tells me that it is not my fault!

Fussy one gets served the same meal as everyone else, but I do make him a piece of toast occasionally if he has tried the meal and genuinely doesn't like it.

I have memories of being forced to finish everything on my plate. I will eat pretty much anything, but remember some fairly miserable mealtimes involving liver and onions.

But you DO come across people who expect you to cater for their fussy child dont you, well i do!
I have a cousin who litterally will not eat anything, reason....you havent made it how my mum makes it.....
when i told his mum, she just said "oh no, he only likes my food" and yet he was staying with me for a couple of days!
I had mixed the milk into the porrige before adding the sugar....this is wrong apparently!!! I didnt mix his scrammbled egg into his baked beans the way he likes it (the kid is 11 btw) I didnt mix it at all.... Mix your own fucking beans in...easy!
I work with a woman and i avoid all converstations about food with her becuase she just says to EVERYTHING.."oh, i dont like them/that"
So the converstaion always goes:
Her:what have you had for lunch.?..
Me "cheeses sarnie"
Her: Oh i dont like cheeses on bread, cheese cooked, cheese cold, cheese on anything, spread cheese, hard cheese, smelly cheese etc etc etc. It drives me mad!!!

We have invited a child back for tea after school, and the mother tells me he doesnt eat anything. he will eat pizza apparently, but only if it doesnt have any bits on it, so plain cheese and tomato or peperoni.. Great says i, i will get the pizzas in...then she goes on....if its a thick crust he wont touch it, if its got too much tomato on it he wont touch it....sigh!!!!

I get very irritated by it all. Alternatively we have had kids to tea whos parents claim for them to dislike this, that and the other and they have cleared the plate!

After giving my son everything as a baby and he would litterally eat aything, i do not now accept that he doesnt like things, he ate them as a baby and toddler so he is not trying to persuade me he is fussy now, no way.

Are these kids fussy from very early on, or do they develop fussiness as they get older do you think?

before i cook dinner i give my DS's aged 6 and 3 two choices - say for dinner tonight your can have either pasta or ham salad with potatoes - I will then cook the most popular choice. If they then decide they don't want it - they go hungry till breakfast. My sister has a son who is VVVVVVVVV fussy to the point that she will make at least 6 different dinners in the hope he will eat one - which he usually doesn't so she gives him chocolate!!! WTF