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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fusy children who is responsible?

112 replies

Lonnie · 01/04/2010 19:10

the wedding with the curry menu made me write this so I gues its not so much a am "I" being unresonable as it is a is it resonable to expect others to cather for your fussy child/your own fussyness

I have a fussy child she is 6 she regularly gets served a bowl of plain rice or a slice of bread for dinner when she refuses to try stuff she hasnt. I dont make a big deal out of it but neither will I pamper to it. If we have been invited out for meals I ensure I have a small amount of snacks in my bag for her (less so now at age 6 as ther is always something but definetly when she was younger) I accept it is "my" child that is fussy and I do not expect the world to revolve around this.

No do I make 2-3-4 different meals I will expect genuine dislikes (dd1 doesnt like mash potatoes - she has a few boiled put aside - ds doesnt like rice he gets a slice of bread dd2 isnt keen on green grapes I dont expect her to eat them) I do not accept today i will eat tomatoes but tomorrow I wont however on Wednesday I will throw a tantrum when you dont have any.. I was shocked to discover recently that many of my childrens friends come from homes where the parents regularly cook 2-4 different meals. To me that is unresonable and it also in my opinion have us raising a bunch of induviduals whom belives everything can be changed their way and there for doesnt teach tolerance and a certain willingness to work together.

I am not advocating we start serving vindaloo to small children not am I suggesting we force feed them however in my book there is nothing wrong with a slice of bread and butter if you decide today you do not like the meal you last week had 3 portions off.

What is everyones opinion? if you have a fussy child do you expect others to cater for that or do you see it as your own issue to deal with if you do not have a fussy child how do you view fussy children? what about adults (I know 1 grown up man whom wont eat vegetables at home - he ate a vegetarian meal at my house when it was served and even said it was nice - for the record I didnt know about the veggie refusal at home until after they had been for dinner lol)

what do you think what is resonable in this what is unresonable?

OP posts:
kickassangel · 02/04/2010 13:12

well, now that we're seeing a psychiatrist every week, I'm glad I did NOT subscribe to 'eat or go hungry'.

Current medical advice is to be relaxed, feed your child what they WILL eat. As long as they're getting enough food to live on (which is actually not much), don't force them to eat things.

'Eat or go hungry' is seen as a key instrument to causing anorexia later in life. it's ok if you have kids that eat, but with difficult eaters, it really piles on the pressure and compounds the problems.

solo · 02/04/2010 13:14

I have 2Dc's that'll eat anything, though Dd 3.3 did have a phase where she seemed fussy.
I cook one meal and Dd's gets left on the table. Dd sometimes eats a bit and has had enough, but goes back to it and usually finishes it. I'd rather allow this than have her telling me she's hungry an hour after I've binned her left overs, because she wont stop whinging until she's had something else to eat. Last night, we had cold roast pork, roasted potatoes, broccoli and sweetcorn(I had roasted parsnips, but the Dc's don't like them at all). Dd left some potato and the broccoli stalks on her plate, but the potato was gone before she went to bed. She wont eat the stalks and I accept that. I hate fussy eaters and really dreaded it when Dd went through her phase.
Next week, I'm going to be looking after a friends two Dc's. Both are fussy, but one is a nightmare and that's the bit I'm dreading. He went from being a happy, eat anything child to a really picky, happy to leave it and go hungry child(which was what Dd started to do). Wish me luck.

TrinityIsFuckingTrying · 02/04/2010 13:20

what hsall I do with my 4 and 10 years od then kickassangel

and I'm not being confrontationa;
I agree with what you have said and I'm desperate for help

when she appears to just be doing it to make my life hell I get really angry
I'm not dealing with it properly
I need a plan so I can shed the anger
please help me

she will eat (dd2,5 in a week)
chocolate spread sandwiches
jam sandwiches
corn on the cob
brocolli
cheap ham
chicken nuggets
chips (homemade)
smily faces
waffles
crackers
homemade spag bol(made with smooooth, pointless, cheap bought sauce)
yoghurt(no bits)
carrots
sugar snap peas
dairylea dunkers
sometimes cheese
doughnuts (iced on top ones, not sugary)
chocolate
sweets

thats it, seriously thats it
nothing in a sauce
no sausgaes,salmon, roast chicken, beef
no pasta even out of a sauce
no rice
no roast potatoes

kickassangel · 02/04/2010 13:38

trinity - i haven't a clue!! we are seeing a psych. cos dd won't take medicine, so she has to learn to swallow tablets & we've tried every trick in the book, but she deosn't seem to be able to swallow them.

with dd, i keep being warned to make sure she eats enough iron - and from your list your dd doesn't. we use vit. tablets & iron drops in juice to help this. however, more iron = constipation, so we have to cut down milk & up the apple juice, which = more sugar. AARGH!!

my opinion is that as long as they get a healthy balance, does it matter? we no longer live in post war rationing, so does it really matter if someone is fussy. given time, most kids grow out of it, if not pressured too much. dd knows that if she goes to a friends & doesn't like it, she may be offered bread, or she will just go hungry til later. she also knows to at least try it.

a 'typical' meal for her is a slice of bread, cold turkey, still frozen sweetcorn. it's boring, but it is healthy. the only problem is with eating out, but she'll eat plain pasta, so sometimes that's what she has.

the psych. will mainly be focusing on tablets, but did say she'll try some new foods - i'll get back to you if we have any insights!

oh, and dd will eat tortilla wraps - so i stir fry veg & meat, and put them on a plate with the wraps on another plate. this gives her 'control' as she then makes it into a roll & eats it. doc thinks her having control is GOOD, btw. (of what she eats, not the house in general) i then add a sauce to the rest of the stir fry for me & dh to eat.

and we cut roast pots length wasy & call them chips, then she eats them. actually, now she'll eat them 'normal' - it was a gradual transition.

also, she eats better in diff. situations, e.g. visiting family, she is more relaxed, at school where she's hyper, i suspect that lunch is a bit of a myth.

tallyhoho · 02/04/2010 16:21

Perfectly reasonable IMO.

I have got one child who has developed quite particular tastes. He would gag if we tried to force anything down him. Even the very experienced childminder could not get him to eat certain things. He is getting better though. Children can be incredibly stubborn. I remember my daughter saying she didn't want any more of a tuna sandwich and I kept telling her to have one more bite. In the end she gave in and promptly threw up in the cafe. I have met a few others who have incredibly fussy eaters and I just tell them not to get het up about it.

One of my children didn't talk 'til ahe was two and a half but then she spoke in full sentences. You wouldn't believe how many people were prepared to give us their unsolicited opinion on this. She is a healthy, intelligent and polite child.

Our children are all happy, healthy and well disciplined. There are certain things as a parent you can control we just revert to raisins, yoghurt flakes and bread rolls should our "Mr Fussy" not eat anything else.

tallyhoho · 02/04/2010 16:21

Perfectly reasonable IMO.

I have got one child who has developed quite particular tastes. He would gag if we tried to force anything down him. Even the very experienced childminder could not get him to eat certain things. He is getting better though. Children can be incredibly stubborn. I remember my daughter saying she didn't want any more of a tuna sandwich and I kept telling her to have one more bite. In the end she gave in and promptly threw up in the cafe. I have met a few others who have incredibly fussy eaters and I just tell them not to get het up about it.

One of my children didn't talk 'til ahe was two and a half but then she spoke in full sentences. You wouldn't believe how many people were prepared to give us their unsolicited opinion on this. She is a healthy, intelligent and polite child.

Our children are all happy, healthy and well disciplined. There are certain things as a parent you can control we just revert to raisins, yoghurt flakes and bread rolls should our "Mr Fussy" not eat anything else.

MintyMoo · 02/04/2010 18:30

I used to have a friend as a child who was a VERY fussy eater. She would only drink water and literally only ate chips and ham. People always said very judgemental things about her parents that they must have pandered to her as their PFB (her siblings weren't fussy eaters). That was until she collapsed one day and was hospitalised, turns out she has severe IBS and is allergic or intolerant to wheat, gluten and various other foods and no-one had realised. Luckily she had rejected those foods which would have made her very ill. I would never judge a parent whose child is a fussy eater, some children will be fussy eaters no matter what you do plus everyone has the right to dislike certain foods. You don't know what battles those parents face, it must have been awful for my friend's parents watching their little girl eat such a limited diet and knowing people were judging them for it.

GiraffeYoga · 02/04/2010 19:24

you use microwave rice??

ChangeNameChangeLife · 02/04/2010 19:41

The problem with this thread lies in the title, already judgmental. Why does anyone have to be to blame? Those who judge the parents have clearly not had to deal with the trauma of a really fussy eater and for those who claim that it is because the parents are behaving too anxiously over food, perhaps ask which came first: the fussiness or the anxiety?

Many of the responses on here show that there is an enormous range of reasons why people react to food in different ways. Perhaps a new thread is needed to provide support, advice and hints to parents of fussy eaters rather than ill-thought out criticism born from a thread title implicating blame - so very very unhelpful.

ChangeNameChangeLife · 02/04/2010 19:42

And GiraffeYoga what is your point?

shockers · 02/04/2010 19:45

My Dcs are asked to try everything . They will eat most food enthusiastically but if they really don't like something, I won't force the issue. I do re-introduce foods they have said they don't like from time to time... sometimes they like it better second time round. I hated mushrooms as a child but love them now so I won't let them insist on never eating something ever again.

shockers · 02/04/2010 19:48

Sorry... my point was that sometimes, dislikes become fixed unreasonably in your mind... often with the help of parents/granparents who will say " you don't like do you Jimmy? "

GiraffeYoga · 02/04/2010 20:06

LOL i knew it would annoy someone. Not my intention

but (IMHO) MW rice is the most pointless thing. Not only is it really expensive compared to normal rice in a bag its got added chemicals. Just dont see the point. How much effort is it to boil rice in a pan for 7 mins? Oh and it tastes weird.

That said- Im very anti as I had to used MW pasta/rice for 6mths when I had no proper kitchen. Now the smell of it turns my stomach...

ArthurPewty · 02/04/2010 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sungirltan · 03/04/2010 12:30

kickassangel - i totally, totally agree with you re the anorexia. i would know!

LilyBolero · 03/04/2010 13:04

Imo anyone who 'blames' parents for a truly fussy child has never experienced a child who is fussy.

Ds1 is terrible - he has always been a poor feeder (even from being a newborn, he just wasn't interested in feeding). He was never interested in weaning. From the age of 1 or so he would refuse food to the point of vomiting in the morning because his stomach was contracting through hunger. He was also very very underweight.

We finally worked out that he could eat very very bland food, but that anything with a flavour or smell made him gag. Even foods he 'liked' would take hours to eat - breakfast of 2 spoonfuls of weetabix would take between 1.5 and 2 hours.

He is also phobic of foods he doesn't like. Until relatively recently his diet was;
plain pasta (no sauce)
rice
peas
fish fingers
mince (cooked with baked beans only - no gravy or sauce)
bread (white or wholemeal WITHOUT bits)
cheddar cheese
jammie dodgers
cereal (cheerios, rice krispies, cornflakes)
milk
fruit smoothies

and that was about it. However we have made some HUGE progress in the last year, and have now added;
pizza (cheese and tomato)
pasta sauce (cheese sauce and tomato based sauces)
grapes
couscous

So progress is made. But it is slow, and the ONLY way to make any progess is to go at his speed, remove all anxiety from the situation and NOT force the issue. Not to let him go hungry as then he starts being sick, and can't eat ANYTHING.

And for anyone who thinks it is 'my fault' he is like that, dd is the world's best eater - eats everything, ds2 is fairly average - eats some things, not others, but because he doesn't have the 'phobia' issues that ds1 has, I don't stress about him, he eats a fairly balanced diet, and if at a particular meal he doesn't want to eat much that's fine.

LilyBolero · 03/04/2010 13:04

I should add - ds1 is nearly 9.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 03/04/2010 13:26

That sounds like a horribly stressful and difficult situation, Lily. I think you've done a great job coping with it - looking at the list of foods your ds will eat,, there's something from all the major food groups there, so his diet is, as you said, balanced even though it is very restricted.

FanjolinaJolie · 03/04/2010 13:35

I too only cook one meal and believe hungry children eat.

They can eat it or go hungry until breakfast, I always make sure they have enough milk or water to drink if they've not eaten well. But 9 times out of 10 they do.

I was terribly fussy as a child, so my mum tells me and was a right pain in the backside and thin also. Have grown up to eat and enjoy most foods and am no longer thin either

I definitely believe that if my kids were fussy that no one should have to cater to them.

LynetteScavo · 03/04/2010 13:35

I really don't care if someone else wants to cook 3 different meals each night for thier family - How nice for their family.

I can't be bothered to cook several, so my fussy (IMO) 6yo often goes without -I don't bother giving him bread or not mashing potatoes for him, but I will give him pasta without the sauce added...but then I guess I'm mean.

No way would I take snacks with me incase he didn't like the food when we are out...that is total pandering. Eat or be hungry, boy.

FanjolinaJolie · 03/04/2010 13:48

Trinity -

the point about the smooth pointless store bought pasta sauce. You can make your own by sauteeing onions, garlic, tinned toms then throw in all the veg you can red peppers, carrots, mushroom, spinach etc some mixed herbs and tomato puree. Then blitz it down with a hand blender presto they don't know the veg are in there and it's so much better for them. Sorry if this is sounding patronising it's not meant to be at all. You could also add mince to before blitzing.

Regarding your DD 2.5, entirely up to you how you wish to proceed. I'd say her diet isn't that bad, but definitely high in sugar and very low in protein. I'd be a bit worried about the lack of iron going in. Can you not just let the chocolate spread run out and not buy any more?

She is definitely not doing it to make your life hell but is possibly getting a lot of attention (negative) from you over it all.

mummyingreen · 03/04/2010 13:55

I think a phase of fussiness as a child is one thing- testing parental boundaries and being just generally fickle- but creating food issues is another. I know a mother who will only serve organic food to her kids (fine) but is so precious about it all that the kids have picked up on the negative vibe about food, and that it is an area where they can really get to her. Her ds (5) is spoon fed still and is incredibly fussy and dd (18months) hasn't moved on from mush! I saw this and have tried with dd1 (2 1/2) and dd2 (7 mths) to be relaxed about food above all other things (I realise medical probs mean not all parents can be relaxed about food). Dd1 was offered a varied diet from day 1 but my main aim was to fuel her calorie requirement so until aged about 2 she got given toast or another sure replacement to her meal if she refused what I had cooked (this was after having eaten everything as a small baby). Now I think I know what she likes and genuinely doesn't like. I don't make her eat what she doesn't like since there are foods I don't like either and I think forcefeeding is cruel. If I make her something I know she has eaten before and she refuses it, then it is a case of eat or go hungry. I often find that the promise of a yoghurt for pudding gets her eating at least a few mouthfuls! This approach seems to have given dd1 a healthy relationship with food- she isn't too fussy or greedy for sweet treats. She will often try something new and tell me honestly if she likes it or not- and if she's tried, well, I think that's good enough for young children....

kickassangel · 03/04/2010 14:16

sungirltan i think i may need to print out your reply & frame it, with the 'totally, totally agree' part highlighted. Any time dh wishes to differ from me in opinion, I shall point to it.

jolie & scarvo - i think you're missing the point. it's fine for a kid to miss one meal if they start turning their nose up, specially if it's usually a 'favourite', or they're at a freinds, but I think you need to acknowledge that there are children who go way beyond this scenario - the ones who from birth/very young have issues with certain foods. The ones who have a real phobia, or who will genuinely starve themselves rather than face food they don't like. And I mean starve - v. young kids end up in hospital from these issues. There are hospitals dedicated to treating these problems.

Saying 'I don't pander and therefore my kids aren't fussy' is like saying 'I didn't put my umbrella up and therefore it didn't rain' - you've reversed the cause & effect.

dh &I BOTH grew up in the eat it or go hungry camp - in fact, we both have fond memories of sitting in the hallway alone, eating yesterday's left overs cos it's a sin to leave food. However, if we had stuck to that approach with dd, she would have died, quite literally. So, please, realise that for some kids it is a medical situation, rather than just silly parents.

I think the problem is, it's like many things like behaviour, sleeping through the night etc. There are ways to influence how a child develops, and there are ways to make things difficult, but if there's a genuine underlying med. condition, then all those strategies count for nothing. Unfortunately, these kids are not born with convenient labels so that we can see the problems, we have to figure it out. But blaming the parents, or saying 'i did this, it worked', is ridiculous.

DastardlyandSmugly · 03/04/2010 14:27

I have a friend who does this kind of pandering. I've been at her house and she's cooked one thing for herself (she's veggie), something with meat for her husband as he won't eat veggie food, pizza for her DS, pasta for her DD, and fish fingers and beans for her DD's friend who's popped round, because they won't eat/don't want anything else. Then she'll ask me what I want and I'll be like 'erm whatever you're having' I find it so strange that she'd make that much extra work for herself.

My DS(4) has always been a fab eater but last year he suddenly stopped eating at home. It definitely was a control thing with him as I'd make him the things he ate at nursery and he would refuse to eat it for me. I found it really frustrating and upsetting.

What seemed to 'cure' it for us was getting him involved in preparing the food. So we had a special meal that he'd make for himself and his sister every Sunday that involved mash and gravy and he would make (with help) both of those items. Then, because he was involved, he'd wolf it down. Since then he's been fantastic - trying new things, eating everything on his plate. It's been fabulous.

DD (19m) seems to be pretty good too although she's off her food at the moment as she suffers terribly when teething.

MathsMadMummy · 03/04/2010 14:28

I will have to catch up with this thread later, it looks interesting!

I have twin DSDs age 12, one is pretty easy going but the other is mega fussy. Have tried gentle encouragement and it works a bit but it all gets undone when she goes home to her mum's as she gets ready meals most nights

So far my DD (2.9) is a good eater, she occasionally decides she doesn't want something and we try not to make a big deal out of it.