Fusy children who is responsible?

[Lonnie]

the wedding with the curry menu made me write this so I gues its not so much a am "I" being unresonable as it is a is it resonable to expect others to cather for your fussy child/your own fussyness

I have a fussy child she is 6 she regularly gets served a bowl of plain rice or a slice of bread for dinner when she refuses to try stuff she hasnt. I dont make a big deal out of it but neither will I pamper to it. If we have been invited out for meals I ensure I have a small amount of snacks in my bag for her (less so now at age 6 as ther is always something but definetly when she was younger) I accept it is "my" child that is fussy and I do not expect the world to revolve around this.

No do I make 2-3-4 different meals I will expect genuine dislikes (dd1 doesnt like mash potatoes - she has a few boiled put aside - ds doesnt like rice he gets a slice of bread dd2 isnt keen on green grapes I dont expect her to eat them) I do not accept today i will eat tomatoes but tomorrow I wont however on Wednesday I will throw a tantrum when you dont have any.. I was shocked to discover recently that many of my childrens friends come from homes where the parents regularly cook 2-4 different meals. To me that is unresonable and it also in my opinion have us raising a bunch of induviduals whom belives everything can be changed their way and there for doesnt teach tolerance and a certain willingness to work together.

I am not advocating we start serving vindaloo to small children not am I suggesting we force feed them however in my book there is nothing wrong with a slice of bread and butter if you decide today you do not like the meal you last week had 3 portions off.

What is everyones opinion? if you have a fussy child do you expect others to cater for that or do you see it as your own issue to deal with if you do not have a fussy child how do you view fussy children? what about adults (I know 1 grown up man whom wont eat vegetables at home - he ate a vegetarian meal at my house when it was served and even said it was nice - for the record I didnt know about the veggie refusal at home until after they had been for dinner lol)

what do you think what is resonable in this what is unresonable?

I think in a lot, but maybe not all cases, parenst are responsible if their children are fussy eaters. All children will inevitably have one or two or maybe more dislikes, but how the parenst deal with it can make a huge difference.

I am firmly in the 'eat it or go hungry' camp and although they do have a few things they aren't especially keen on, they generally eat pretty much anything.

Before I had DD2 I would have blamed the parents gor fussiness.

Having a child that won't eat is heartbreaking. Today DD2 (3) has eaten 1 slice of peanut butter on toast, a pain au chocolat, a few slices of apple, a carton of full fat milk and half a raw carrot.

For some children it goes beyond fussiness. Strangely, if in the mood, she will eat olives, chorizo sausage and Salad leaves.

It is extremely stressful - I, for one, could do without being judged.

( the other two will eat anything)

And eith a choice of eat it or starve my daughter would starve.

In our house its a case of eat or go hungry.

I have yet to come across any meal i have made for my son that has not been finished.

He will eat practically everything now because of this.

Slummymummy you are very lucky.

If it's down to the parents, why do I have one fussy one and one not?

My firstborn is the "eat anything" one, and I was smugly congratulating myself on being such a great parent in this regard. He slept a lot, too.

Then child number 2 turned up.....

i have a kid with food allergies, but plan meals that are safe .
i am lucky that i dont have to cook different meals.

i dont pander to any fussy attitude to food, mainly because i worry about food that can kill, so i am not going to pander to the child who doesnt like one food one day and changes mind the next.(or the child that kicks up a fuss because the peas are mixed with sweetcorn........ugh!)

in fact, the rejected food still gets regularly served up, and its up to them to eat it or not.

and what i can say about this practice that over the years, the kids now eat all the food they moaned about, apart from real dislikes. which , with a large family, still get it on their plate in front of them.
but its the fairest way to catter to everyones needs without me slaving away in the kitchen.
family votes for meals are taken, for instance , and even votes still mean certain meals are still served.

My DS is beginning to be a bit fussy and suddenly won't eat mashed potato, baked beans, creamy sauces, cheesy sauces and bananas, all stuff that he has been eating for years (he's 6). Am wondering where it will go and if it will get worse but am lucky that he will eat enough other stuff that's relatively healthy.

DD 2 is off her food at the moment but will eat yoghurt. I'm remembering the warm feeling I had when they both ate the concoctions I offered them as babies that they seemed to like - I don't believe it has had any impact on their taste buds like we are told (but not saying you don't have to TRY and give them a wide variety of foods when they are young)

I'm uncomfortable about all this "if my child doesn't eat what they're given, they don't eat" approach, or more specifically the implication that this approach is soley responsible for their child having a healthy appetite. It's hugely more complicated than this and some children WILL refuse food to the point of illness - you are just "lucky" that your child is not like this.

Smallorange - I greatly admire the restraint and dignity you demonstrate in your post of 22:23:41

For those of you who blame the parents (for a change) you are clearly lucky enough not to have a truly "fussy eater" to live with. It is a stressful, demoralising and upsetting situation. And to cap it off, it is so helpful to hear other parents judging you for it.

I have considered calling in Jo Frost to help with mealtimes in my house, but I couldn't face the public humilation as me and DP, dance around the room, playing rediculous games/bribes and empty threats to get our children to eat JUST ONE spoonful of delicious, home-made shepards pie!

The problem is I am too scared of them 1) not eatin 2)not getting enough vitamins/minerals/protein etc to just plonk a load of different stiff on the table every day, step away and let them get on with it.

It's only recently that I learned a fascinating thing about children and new tastes. Understanding that children need to taste something about 12 times to actually form a decision about wether they like it or not, puts a whole new spin on things. That initial, half-gipping, spit-out, face cringing thing that they can do when you give them something new, is more of a reaction to a new taste, rather than a dislike of a taste. I gave up too easily with new tastes and gave them too much of the stuff that they did eat because I would worry about them being hungry/five a day/food groups etc.

I am still picking up the peices now - Off the floor - literally. They are having more variation, but it is really hard to change things!!!

So to answer your question, while I think some children are just born with a love of all foods, others can become fussy because parents are too keen to get them eating good stuff and go about it the wrong way and confuse reactions to new tastes with dislikes of tastes. Maybe the obsession with healthy eating makes things worse? Also, children see food available everywhere, in huge amounts, cruising through super-markets from birth. they see us chuck out unused food all the time. This is a modern phenominon and it's bound to effect their perception of the value and importance of food.

i had such battles when my DD was younger to get her to eat veg. she loved them when she was a toddler, then suddenly went off them, no explanation!
we battled and battled from about 7 to 11, then DH and i said ENOUGH. we were sick of the fights. we continued to put veg on her plate, and just left her to it.
now she is 19. she still doesnt like veg, but she eats it because its good for her.
i couldnt tolerate a child who came out with stuff like 'the milk needs to go in first'
'meat and veg cant touch each other'
there's people out there with amazing patience!
although, putting milk in when your teabag is still in is just wrong and i wont tolerate people like that in my life

see, dd will eat really healthy things, but it's just a limited range, and ANY sauce/gravy etc is a no. so it drives me mad when kids menus are full of stuff like pizza, or crappy food without veg - she loves veg & will happily eat a plateful of it. (so long as there's no sauce/pepper etc on it)

and i did everything right when weaning - she had a reaction to ALL jars/packets etc, so it was all home cooked fresh stuff & she ate it up with gusto. then, gradually, around the age of 2, she started saying no to things. if i try to make her have something (even if it IS something she likes), she'll retch & bring it up, then not eat anything for days.

as i said earlier, i was brought up with 'eat what's in front of you or go hungry' - and we had to eat it ALL, no matter what. so, i have turned my back on that philosophy & now we are just going gently - when we back off & relax, she will try new things!!

my two older girls were puree weaned and I was panicky about making sure they weren't going to waste away (I know I know)

gecko was blw

my older two are fussy

gecko will try anything

she will also sidle up to craig gf or me when we are eating and bat eyelids whilst mentioning she is hungry

she wolfs down gf tikka masala
my chilli con carne

shes got a thing for tomato soup lol

but she doesn't really like bread
and she doesn't like sweets much

I completely and utterly put it donw to being CONVINCED that food is about fun till one and that she can completely sustain herself on breast milk as long as I fed on demand so I never tried to encourage her to eat EVER

she just realised food for herself

my mates often say they love to see her eat cause its so gustily
she loves good food, lots of different textures, tastes

I mourn for what it could have been like for dd1 and 2 if I hadn't been ill or didnt' puree wean

I feel so guilty
and I dont know how to sort it now

fussiness in this house is not a issue, due to all their allergies.

I cook different meals a day, me and ds1 will ave the same but dh and ds2 will have something different from each other.

we all cant have the same meal as ds2 would not be able to have it, and dh may be able to have it depending on what Ive cooked, but if that the case its normally tomato based, which ds1 stomach cant tolerate as its too rich for him.

Best way for us = healthy family = different meals.

wow trinity - you have convinced me with the blw i am about to start!

have to agree with OTmumma and strawberrycornetto

i am a bit about the 'we don't do fussy eating'. i am the child of one of those parents. my dad regularly force fed me when i was little to the point where he was ostracised by the rest of my family because they were so horrified. i found food incredibly stressful growing up even though i was no 'pandered' to/offered alternatives.

dh and i have agreed that at best we would like dd to feel that she can try things but feel safe that if she rejects a food that there will be no consequence

We usually eat as a family sitting at the same table and the same meal. Now if it does happen that one does not particulareley like something there is always the side veg or something to eat more of but I will not cook anything else specially for the fussy one. Also I think I know my Dcs enough by now to not cook something I know will definitely not go down (only exeption is rizotto because we all love it exept Ds2)

If somone comes to mine as a guest I usually ask in advance for any food dislike/allergies/special diet, so there is no bad surprise. In the case of guest children I usually propose eggs or toast it they do not like what is served as even if told they eat anything, chances are they don't)

I was a very fussy eater as a child. There were many tastes and especially textures that I literally could not stand.

My parents were NOT responsible for this. The problem for my parents was that I actually disliked eating and couldn't understand why I had to eat. This dislike included sweets, pizzas, fizzy pop, desserts, ice cream, most vegetables, most fruit and all sauces except for my mum's gravy. It also included any sweet stuff that wasn't chocolate - I liked chocolate biscuits and cakes but not any other types of biscuit or cake.

So they could not bribe me to eat. Neither did telling me I wouldn't have anything else to eat work, I didn't WANT anything else!

As I've grown up my tastes have changed and I've developped a liking for various food. I have also learnt that I do not need to love a food in order to eat it. To be polite I have eaten many things that I do not enjoy. However there are still some things that I cannot stomach, mainly for texture reasons (e.g. mushrooms).

I agree with other posters that fussiness about HOW a food is prepared (milk first, vegetables cut in a certain way) is not acceptable. But please understand that fussy eaters are not always doing it for attention. Personally I HATE the attention given to what I eat and don't eat. Even now I get comments most days from workmates because I don't like coffee or coke. Or because I have the same sandwich two days in a row.

My close friend and I have DS's about the same age. I have never offered DS an alternative if he doesn't eat - if he doesn't want a meal, that's fine, he goes without. I ask him to try it, but don't make a fuss if he doesn't eat it. If her DS didn't eat something, she would always make him something else, or offer him other foods until he would eat - normally chocolate spread sandwhiches, mini scotch eggs, or mini sausage rolls.

SHe would get really arsey if someone even gently suggested she should just let him go without, and say she didn't want her child to starve to death. They are 4 now, and her DS is very fussy still - his pre-school have spoken to her about it because he eats such a limited range of food and what he does eat isn't very healthy.

The parents are resposible. Just like the parents are responsible for kids that don't behave well in company. For kids that don't sleep through the night. For kids that don't read or write by the time they're 4.5

This kind of thread gets right on my pip.

We all pick our battles. Some of us fucked up and didn't fight hard enough about food when our dc were little.

I'm currently battling with a 9 year old girl who doesn't like food. I have other mums who comment on it regularly, like it's their right to condemn me about my parenting.

Do you know what? I don't openly criticise your kids behaviour. I don't even come on parenting forums and slag them off. I don't judge you for your parenting shortfalls so get off my fucking back about mine.

Food is about taste and texture, we cannot tell a child that he/she likes that food taste and texture, but what we can do is make food fun and colorful and be experimental through touch and texture and firstly taste!

Its the child's issue, but we as parents need to be inventive to our children individual needs, like any parental choice!

I am not at all fussy. However I don't drink tea or coffee, can't eat red meat have real problems digesting it and hate custard. Anything else no problem.

When I first met my MIL she offered me tea/coffee and cooked roast beef and made a trifle. Obviously I had none of it after my refusal of the trifle she burst out with "MY GOODNESS! you are the fussiest person I have ever MET!" .

I have two dc though and one of them is on the "beige diet" will eat no protein that doesn't come covered in batter or breadcrumbs and eats 4 peas about once a week, if I am lucky. The other one eats anything and everything, has her 5 and more a day every single day. So I would not be able to say why one is fussy because I feel that I mostly did the same food wise with them. I do wonder though about BF, I fed ds for only 4 months but fed dd for 14 months and she is the none fussy one so I wonder if the flavours in my breast milk made her that way.

Squilly - when you have your first child you think everything that goes right and wrong is down yo your 'parenting.'

then you have another and, maybe even more, and you start to realise that so much behaviour is down to luck rather than superior parenting.

Sleeping, eating...tis all luck of the draw. I could say my kids all go to bed at 7pm and sleep til 7 because of my superior parenting. But really they are just easy that way.

Weaning DD3 is a dream. She will try anything, actively enjoys grabbing lumps of chicken and chewing on them. For years I thought DD2's fussiness was down to my poor weaning skills. Now I realise she is just like that. A rather odd little girl

Well, I have battled with food with all 3 of mine, although I wouldn't say they were fussy as such. Just not always amenable to trying new things. My personal pet-hate is when I've slaved over something new that I think they will like because they like all the seperate ingredients, then I put it down and, without tasting it, they whine "I don't like this"! Even when you then insist that they taste it, they have made up their mind beforehand- no way will they taste it and say that they were wrong, and it is actually lovely. Sigh.

I like to cook, and I like to vary what I cook, so when I'm planing menus I try very hard to make sure it will be something that they will like, but I do end up frustrated a lot of the time. There is always fruit on offer in our house, although dd2 hates fruit.

All 3 of them are so different: dd1 is a real carnivore- loves to eat meat offthe bone, and her favourite food is squid (not in batter!) dd2 eats veg better than the others, but as I said loathes fruit. Ds loves potatoes and won't touch meat. Between them, they could eat a balanced meal, I guess!