Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

People who have children should want to be with them

109 replies

LadyEarth · 31/03/2010 10:47

Like any Mum I have my own personal preferences about how we should raise our children but I try not to impose those on other parents on the basis that we all find a different balance between keeping ourselves healthy and happy and doing the same for our children.(I know that comes across as hideously sanctimonious... maybe I am...) . What I loathe is selfish DINKY's who refuse to sacrifice any of their hedonistic lifestyle for the sake of their child. I am currently bombarded on facebook by one such parent whose baby is only weeks old. Each post revels in yet another night out, or 14 hours sleep (with earplugs). Baby is left with friends, grandparents or neighbours. Don't get me wrong, it's good for parents to check into their support networks and get some down time but it is also important for babies to have security and a primary care giver. A parent who views their child as a burden even with all this "me-time" won't be giving the child the important emotional regulation it needs, and if you dislike being around babies so much, get a dog!

OP posts:

KoalaSar · 31/03/2010 20:35

Thread is hilarious

Can just imagine the RL mother posting on here about how she cant be arsed with the baby and sleeps in ear plugs.

Wonder what sort of reaction she'd get? You've all jumped on the OP like a pride of lions.

scottishmummy · 31/03/2010 20:36

i wish id thought of ear plugs.genius

KoalaSar · 31/03/2010 20:44

I wear them every night.

It still hear the kids if they wake up - I just don't hear them if they shout out and go back to sleep!

nighbynight · 31/03/2010 21:05

I lost contact with someone who treated her children a bit like the OP describes...I cant give the gory details or would identify her.

happystarr · 31/03/2010 21:06

I can see where you're coming from. I love spending as often as i can with both my kids and rarely go out drinking as when i do i spent the whole night thinking "cant get too drunk as my 9 months old will wake me up at 6 am".

but as far as your FB friends goes, i dont think you should be getting on your high horse about it. She's probably over exagerating anyway, most people do on FB, and she may have a very supportive partner and parnets who are fantastic with her baby so no harm done there!

It does sound slightly like you're a tad jealous? do you have a similar situation to me?

Oblomov · 31/03/2010 21:08

"I can see where you're coming from because if you don't want to spend any time away from your own children it's difficult to understand someone who does."

But ZigZag, thats unnatural. unbalanced. you have to have time away from your children for yourself. and to let them develop and grow.
You should be away from them. with your dh. off doing ...a hobby, the gym, out for dinner with a friend.
They are not supposed to be joined at the hip. You can end up with empty nest syndrome if you are not careful.
you can turn around to your dh , when your children go off to uni and ask, who are you exactly ?

OP YABU . And sanctimonious and nasty.

scottishmummy · 31/03/2010 21:10

parents who velcro themselves to their children and have no life other than vicarious satisfaction via their children are annoying too

its all about balance
being adult and being parent.

Oblomov · 31/03/2010 21:14

Neglected ?
oh i've heard it all now !!!
ISNT did you see that. Neglected ?
Please !!!

scottishmummy · 31/03/2010 21:23

neglected doesnt=parents go out and baby left with familiar friends,grandparents.some outrageous generalisations.

neglected is an absence of attention and love.not parents with social life

LynetteScavo · 31/03/2010 21:36

LadyEarth...when I had my fist baby, I would have felt the same as you.

But, for the mother to let the baby bae cared for by numerous other people, I would guess she hasn't bonded with it. Which in it's self is very sad.

What is good, however is that this woman has a network of people wiling to care for the baby... a lot of women would kill to have relatives and friends willing to take their baby for a while. Especially ones who are having difficulty bonding.

kickassmama · 31/03/2010 21:36

I think what some of you have negleted to pickup on is that op said she is related to this woman so probably knows that what she is posting on facebook is true!Like some other posts i'm shocked at the negative posts on here towards op,while it is important to go out and be your own person i it sounds like this woman is going out more than a few times a week!which i agree with op here is a bit much when when you have a newborn.

scottishmummy · 31/03/2010 21:38

suspect the op embellishes this for effect.she comes across envious and judgey

LynetteScavo · 31/03/2010 21:41

In an ideal world, I think a mother would be able to spend lots of time with her new born, bonding and feeding, but with the knowledge that as the baby became older, there would be caring adults available to look after her child.

gobsmackedetal · 31/03/2010 21:51

I have now decided that this is all a pile of s**t.

Who is this bionic woman that spat a baby out and started going clubbing? She has to come here and tell us her secret.

Original poster

LadyEarth · 31/03/2010 21:52

Surely there is some middle ground here? My point is that when a child's parents leave her/him in the first months of life the child will be distressed. A degree of that maybe acceptable and help the child form another close bond (with the other parent perhaps), but to leave a newborn child every other night tips the balance of "me-time" too far in the direction of the adult rather than the child IMO.

I am an advocate of parents getting support and having some time out but if you are so bored with the baby in the first few weeks that you give him to a babysitter every other day maybe you should have thought about it a bit more before you conceived.

I can have this point of view and not be "velcro-ed" to my own children.
I can have this opinion and not be a "crap mother".
I can have this opinion and still have some me-time of my own.

A parent who consistently favours their needs above those of their child hasn't grown up enough to be a true parent.

For those of you who seem to be struggling to read, it is the frequency of time-out that has triggered this post, I am not saying parents should never go out!

OP posts:

xkaylax · 31/03/2010 21:53

I agree with kerala dont have chldren if your not ready to be a parent.

xkaylax · 31/03/2010 21:53

I agree with kerala dont have chldren if your not ready to be a parent.

Devendra · 31/03/2010 21:54

I would judge.. sounds quite sad

scottishmummy · 31/03/2010 21:55

no one struggling with thread.your just talking chuff

thtas all

TinaSparkles · 31/03/2010 21:57

This baby is only a few weeks old though.

I hardly managed out to the shops at this point, never mind out on the razz a few times a week. And it wasn't that I was sitting at home playing a po-faced martyr, whose only enjoyment was to spew fire on mumsnet. More that I didn't have any desire, or indeed, energy to do anything other than to spend time with my newborn baby.

FWIW, though, I wouldn't take the situation the OP is talking of as a sign of being neglected, but some of the comments directed at the OP of being jealous are so misplaced.

The child is a relative of hers and it must be hard to think that such a young baby isn't being as cherished (okay, probably not the right word) as her own were at this stage.

And yeah, am sure if the mum came on here talking about her social life she would be getting pelters.

scottishmummy · 31/03/2010 22:00

accusations of mum struggling to bond are mean ands spurious.met her have you?undertaken observational assessment and family social circumstances?

or just making spurious asumptions

catinthehat2 · 31/03/2010 22:06

I wish I was on facebook
I wish I knew who the OP was

I would be pissing her about morning noon and night.

I would be getting my friends to do it.

Along with the people who are doing it already.

Original poster

LadyEarth · 31/03/2010 22:18

love and kisses to you too catinthehat2

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 31/03/2010 22:54

Scotishmummy, I'm making assumptions on my own experiences.

I bonded well with DS1...I coudl neve, ever have left him with anyone else, although I did leave him with my mother while he was asleep and wouldn't miss me.

I didn't bond with DD until she was about 9 months, I think, and was quite happy to leave her with any one while I went off where ever. Only I had no one to leave her with.

If a mum has a great bond with her baby, has chosen to bottle feed, and can happily leave the baby with other people while she relaxes and enjoys herself regularly, then that is absoulutely fantastic.

And I find "accusations of mum struggling to bond" really quite offesive, as if struggling to bond is a crime, rather than the result of an illness.

I'm yet to meet any such new mum.

LynetteScavo · 31/03/2010 22:58

Scotishmummy, I'm basing any assumptions I've made on this thread on my own experiences.

I bonded well with DS1...I could never, ever have left him with anyone else, although I did leave him with my mother while he was asleep, and, hopefully, wouldn't miss me.

I didn't bond with DD until she was about 9 months, I think, and was quite happy to leave her with any one while I went off where ever. Only I had no one to leave her with.

I'm yet to meet any such new mum.

I'm sure lots of Mumsnetters have been able to manage it, though.

And I find "accusations of mum struggling to bond" really quite offensive, as if struggling to bond is a crime, rather than the result of an illness.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5