People who have children should want to be with them

[LadyEarth]

Like any Mum I have my own personal preferences about how we should raise our children but I try not to impose those on other parents on the basis that we all find a different balance between keeping ourselves healthy and happy and doing the same for our children.(I know that comes across as hideously sanctimonious... maybe I am...) . What I loathe is selfish DINKY's who refuse to sacrifice any of their hedonistic lifestyle for the sake of their child. I am currently bombarded on facebook by one such parent whose baby is only weeks old. Each post revels in yet another night out, or 14 hours sleep (with earplugs). Baby is left with friends, grandparents or neighbours. Don't get me wrong, it's good for parents to check into their support networks and get some down time but it is also important for babies to have security and a primary care giver. A parent who views their child as a burden even with all this "me-time" won't be giving the child the important emotional regulation it needs, and if you dislike being around babies so much, get a dog!

I don't think the baby will grow up to be an axe-murderer.
I doubt the baby will grow up with any deep emotional scars.
I don't think there is anything I can say to the parents that will change how they are behaving.
I do think the baby will be confused/hurt/upset/frightened until he has had the chance to build a relationship with each of his many carers. This makes me sad.
I wish this wasn't the case and I wish the needs of his parents would be better balanced with the needs of their baby.

Tee2072 I do think that babys in NICU can suffer from the lack of a consistent carer (although most units will operate a primary nurse system to reduce this). But keepin the baby alive is a more pressing need. Kangeroo care can also help in these situations and most units are happy for parents to spend as much time as they are able with their babies which would also help.

I'm new to this forum and this is only my second post. For the last few days I've been checking out the different threads, this is the first time I've popped into this one and I honestly can't believe you're all being so unreasonable toward LadyEarth!!! Seriously, she's just venting stating an opinion and a worry - as all of you, no doubt, have done before her.

I can't believe you're all serious about attacking her with comments like "you're just jealous" or "carry on bitching about them behind their backs" or any of the other comments left on here. Are you guys for real? This is a discussion forum, EVERYONE has opinions on here, EVERYONE. You've probably ALL been guilty of bitching behind peoples backs before.

I'm kind of gobsmacked you're all being so harsh.

Photographic evidence!! you sound obsessed!! Concentrate on your own life and let go.

then again, maybe she just finds babies plain old boring.She can't give it back can she? but is just trying to retain her sanity

Well I agree with Charlieknows and Ladyearth. If you want a very full social life and carefree existence dont have, or delay having, babies. so shoot me! Cannot understand how anyone would want to hang about in crowded bars etc and miss out on their newborn when its over so quickly.

mean't to add that this has to be healthy for everyone the.As long as baby is being well cared for[I am sure it is], then this is surely not a problem.

Kerala I must admit I did not fancy going to bars etc when mine were babies, but maybe it is just her way of coping.

I agree with Ruby.

There are several stages of motherhood, I was frankly crap at the newborn stage. I loathed an awful lot of it and it was an almighty shock when I had my twins. I had dd a year later and had suspected PND and was a SAHM.

As my 3 get older I get better at it and enjoy it more and more. A very old hv once told me there will be motherhood stages you're crap at and stages you'll fly through with everybody thinking you're supermum. Maybe this is her crap stage,if it gets her through it, it's not for you to judge.

You don't have to be amazing at every stage,motherhood is for life and it's a long journey.

I also personally don't think being with a baby 24/7 is a good thing if it makes you miserable. I should have gone out far more, I would have been far fresher and enjoyed the whole thing more.

Instead the mother guilt kicked in(finances also dictated) and I spent every single minute with my 3. Are they better off for it- who knows?

Would less time with me but a less exhausted,personality wiped mummy as a result have been better? I don't know but I do know that if I did it again and was loaded I'd be out/have weekends away with dp sans baby an awful lot more than I did the 1st 3 times.

The point is, we can have different views on how to parent, without being a judgeyarse like the OP.

I haven't been for a night out on the town since my daughter was born. She is 6. I didn't go to work for the first 5 years of her life.

But I would never dream of accusing someone who went out, or worked, or left their child with another responsible adult/adults of mistreatment and scarring their child for life.

Heck, you should see my half-sister. The OP would have had her sterilised years back.

I still don't understand exactly what terrible damage the OP has supposedly witnessed being done to this child in all honesty.

OP, you don't have to 'defriend' her but you can hide her status updates. I suggest you do this as there is no way of judging what kind of parent she is from her status updates.

Just because she's not posting about how amazing the baby is does not mean she is not being a good parent. Maybe its just not her style/ maybe she knows people on facebook who have lost a child or are struggling to conceive (my reason why I will not be posting lots of gushing posts)/ maybe all kinds of other reasons. Maybe the 'earplugs' comment was a joke. People's statuses rarely give anything like a balanced picture of their life, and often are joking or exaggerated. It is silly to make such strong judgements based on this.

A friend of mine was like this after she had her 1st Dc and I was at her 'dumping' her Dc on family and friends twice a week (from 3wks) to go out all night.
Shes not the mummy type but her Dc are well looked after and are lovley and seem settled.

As long as they are safe and happy all is well, even if its not how most people decide to parent.

additionally, I often hear people going on about how boring some people's FB statuses are because they always go on about how wonderful their children are -and these comments are often followed by puking emoticons.

are they maybe trying too hard to avoid causing such comments?

It seems to me that the people who are most likely to use the word "judgemental" are those most likely to make sweeping generalisations and judgements themselves. I am a working mother myself and have classically liberal views about forced sterilisation (even for your half sister Bucharest). Mothers' need support and are entitled to a life but their behaviour has a huge influence on their child: that's not news to anyone. If you find looking after your child boring, difficult and not what you wanted it doesn't alter the fact that you have a duty and a responsibiloty to the child's welfare. The first six weeks are very important and if you are not prepared to suffer a bit of tedium for six weeks why on earth did you have a child in the first place? It is advertised to be a 24/7 18 year job so it should hardly be a surprise. Parenthood is a committment and if you can't cut the mustard at least have the decency to find a responsible person to do it for you.

may I ask how old exactly the baby is? Because kudos to he for going out several times a week so soon after giving birth. I could hardly crawl to the bathroom

I kind of agree with both sides on this...with Lady Earth, because I have a couple of ex friends who had babies, then said "I refuse to stop living MY life, just because I had a baby." One of those friends did fertility treatments for 10 years...finally had a baby, then refused to stop her going out partying. It just seemed a bit sad. On the other hand, I don't advocate for surrendering yourself completely for the sake of the children...I think working, socialising, date nights with DH/DP are all important things to do...for ourselves and our children.

I think women are bombarded with the idea that we need to stand up for our right to ME time...it needs to be about us, and everyone must appreciate what we've given up for our children. It's a load of crap.

OP...I had friends like yours...we ended up drifting apart. Move on...it's not worth it.

I don't think the 1st 6 weeks are any more important than any other time in a child's life. In fact I'd go as far to say kids need you more the older they get,let's face it newborns do buggar all but sleep.

Your friend is doing it her way,you're doing it your way. Many people judge working mothers, how would you like it if somebody judged you for working at your child's stage of life.

Maybe your friend will be mothering the way you specify she should later on whilst you're out at work. Will it be ok for her to judge you then?

I had to stop seeing a RL friend who was a bit like the mum the OP talks about. She also refused to modify her lifestyle for her baby, farmed him out left right and centre so that she could continue behaving as a DINKY. As a toddler he had serious behavioural issues, and trusted nobody yet was very clingy. Her second child was a girl, and she claimed to have learned from her mistake in not actively mothering her first child. But - and this was what made me drop her - she continued parcelling her ds out to other carers because "I can't cope with him".

I used still to see her at groups from time to time (her dc are about the age of my younger two). The younger one is your average toddler, happy and nice. The elder is clearly bitterly jealous and is still clingy and anxious, but maintains a front of arrogant self-confidence.

It breaks my heart. But there is nothing I can do about it.

Is there any research showing that spending the first 6 weeks (rather than say the first 5 weeks or the first 5 months or whatever) with one primary carer is particularly important? Just interested, genuinely don't know the answer. Just wondering where the OP got 6 weeks from.

Mother-baby bonding/attachment info:

blog.taragana.com/science/2009/12/25/bonding-between-mother-baby-reduces-childhood-neglect-1978/
www.upperbay.org/infant_bonding_and_adult_behavior.htm
www.brighthub.com/education/early-childhood/articles/39162.aspx
www.personalityresearch.org/attachment.html
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counselloradvice9952.html

Sorry but kids need their parents love and support throughout their childhood/lives. Parents learn and develop their role, sooooo many mums find it all bewildering at first. Many don't/can't do the text book 24 hour cuddling thing. Many mums don't 'get' tiny babies at all I certainly didn't. When they get a personality and start moving around a bit then I 'get' it but red,spotty,sqwarking bundles-sorry not my bag.

I had twins then another a year later, I couldn't do all this stuff the books/experts say you're supposed to do but I have 3 happy,very well adjusted and bonded children as it's all a work in progress.

A 4 year old and even a 15 year old will need just as much love and support. To indicate that if you don't have a 24 hour lovein for the first 6 weeks the child is doomed is just not true. You have that child for 18 years maybe more, not just 6 weeks.

wind your neck ansd ease up on the martyr i gave it all up for you kids speech

as much as it clearly suprises you oarents do go out without their children

i go out without mine
go hairdresser,pub,hedonistic haunts
meet my friends
even put them in nursery on day i am off so i can do stuff for myself

I get what you mean LadyEarth and obviously it is none of your business but it's probably best for your to at least hide this person from FB.