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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that my long lost brother would have contacted me by now?

105 replies

canucktraveler · 30/03/2010 12:07

I met my natural father last Oct for the first time (he never had anything to do with me and I did not even know who he was until I was 21). I was meant to meet him when I was 21 after speaking to him but he stood me up. So I left it for a LONG time...until I had a child and had a year where I was very ill and decided that I would try to make contact again. I did, we met and all went well. We have been in contact ever since. I discovered I have a brother that I did not know about. My father told my brother about me 3 months ago. He has not contacted me. I would love to get to know him, I have two other brothers and adore them and it is important for my DD to know them and have them in her life. Why would he not want to contact me??? I don't get it??

OP posts:
StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 22:19

Wow so I'm not the only one who's family keeps massive secrets

These things always come out imo and it's so much better to deal with them earlier. If you know, then other people know and they will feel worse if they do find out thet they were the only ones who didn't...

ticktockclock · 30/03/2010 22:20

They are your history, your genetics by not knowing them you are denying a part of yourself.

Agreed.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/03/2010 22:21

What I need to know about my genetics is expressed (literally - ha!) in me. I dare say it might be nice to know that there are no genetic horrors lurking around the corner, but if there are, there are.

My biological father is not part of my history at all. How could he be? He has never been in my life.

wannaBe · 30/03/2010 22:22

I could be wrong - they may know, but that side of the family were big on things that "we don't talk about" iyswim. and tbh his natural mother took no interest in him from the instant she handed him over so I can't imagine she will have told her other children.

Shall I bring it up at the next family party? (jk obv, I have no relationship with any of them either as I grew up abroad so never knew any of them growing up.

canucktraveler · 30/03/2010 22:27

StewieGriffinsMom - As I said in my fourth post- I have thought of contacting him...but I also don't want to not give him a reasonable time to process this all. Without knowing someone how can you determine what a reasonable time is???

My father told me that he needs to process it all and speak to his fiance and fiance's family about me first, that it will take some time but he will contact me.

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StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 22:27

I think you should I found out at a party... and spent 2 hours crying upstairs... twas awkward!

wannaBe · 30/03/2010 22:29

"They are your history, your genetics by not knowing them you are denying a part of yourself." How far do you take that though? We all must have family we don't know, or don't know about. cousins, distant relatives, perhaps even siblings such as in my dad's case therefore aunties/uncles etc. Even if you have a fully biological family there will be people you don't know. Should you feel the need to find them because not doing so means you are denying a part of yourself?

And what if you're adopted because you were abandoned for instance? Should you feel the need to find your biological family because not doing so you are denying who you are, even though by abandoning you they denied who you were?

canucktraveler · 30/03/2010 22:31

I did not know that my Dad was not my father until I was 8 years old and my grandmother told me. My mother did not speak to her for 2 years after that. My mother would not tell me who my father was either leading to a great deal of problems between us and within the family. I had to have years of counselling as a child because of it. When my Dad's family found out I was henceforth referred to as the bastard child. NICE.

People should be honest.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 30/03/2010 22:32

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runnybottom · 30/03/2010 22:33

"They are your history, your genetics by not knowing them you are denying a part of yourself. "

In YOUR opinion. Not for all of us. I have nothing to do with my fathers large family, and am missing nothing.

sunnydelight · 30/03/2010 22:35

Your views on family and this other man's may be completely different.

I was adopted at birth and quite honestly if someone told me out of the blue that I had half brothers/sisters out there somewhere I wouldn't have the slightest interest in meeting them. To me family bonds are created through shared experience and growing up together. I would really hate it if someone contacted me expecting me to be overjoyed that they had "found" me, and if anyone thought of me as their "long lost sister" I'd run a mile. Sorry.

canucktraveler · 30/03/2010 22:36

Runnybottom - How would you know that you are missing out on nothing if you haven't bothered?? That is a contradiction.

WannaBe - Yes people who abandon their children are denying them and should be prosecuted! This is barbaric.

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LadyBiscuit · 30/03/2010 22:38

I think the secrecy is a large part of it. I won't lie to my DC and neither will my friends with adopted DC. I fully accept that it must be very difficult when you feel that everyone else knows the 'truth' about your origins except for you

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/03/2010 22:38

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canucktraveler · 30/03/2010 22:41

StewieGriffinsMom - Abandonment is barbaric, Adoption is a process that is not Abandonment with legalities in place to assist all parties. They are completely different. Abandoning a child by leaving them in an alleyway, a doorstep, a church hall, etc, IS barbaric.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 30/03/2010 22:43

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differentnameforthis · 30/03/2010 22:44

canucktravelerw, all your posts are about you...how you feel he should contact you, how you think it is 'despicable' that he hasn't been in contact.

It is NOT all about you! I am sorry if that seems harsh, but he doesn't HAVE to contact you! He has a lot to come to terms with & may just not want to face you! I really think you need to accept this & move on. Come to terms that he may never want to contact you.

It is his life & if he has decided he isn't ready for contact you need to accept that!

mayorquimby · 30/03/2010 22:45

"They are your history, your genetics by not knowing them you are denying a part of yourself.

Agreed."

In your opinion. Absolute bollocks in mine. Once again this is my point about people presenting something subjective (blood thicker than water etc.) as objective fact.
I'm not denying myself anything. My doctor has the family medical records so he could check for hereditary illness/risks apart from that how are you missing anything?

runnybottom · 30/03/2010 22:46

Its not a contradiction at all. You don't need to join a cult to find out if you're missing anything not being a Moonie, you don't always need to try things to know you don't need them.

Not everybody feels the same as you. Doesn't mean you are right and they are wrong.

canucktraveler · 30/03/2010 22:51

differentnameForthis - I never said that my brother was dispicable. Read the posts correctly. I said that fathers who want nothing to do with their children are dispicable.

I also said that I can understand how someone would need to process this sort of information and how it would be difficult for them. That is not about me it is about understanding the situation. However this post relates to my brother, so yes it will involve my feelings and opinions!

StewieGriffinsMom - WannaBe said "And what if you're adopted because you were abandoned for instance?". I was responding to this.

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carocaro · 30/03/2010 22:58

I have no idea either, my brother who is actually my half brother, I found this out when I was 18, but I still think of him as my full on brother, he has a half brother who is spookily like him in many ways, DH has met him in a freakish coincidence through work and DH nearly fell over.

My bro is 40 and his half bro is 25 and they would so get on, but the Dad in question has done fuck all about it for years, I say to my bro just go and say hi, stop wasting more time, but no.

It makes me mad and sad, all this waste and farting about.

ticktockclock · 30/03/2010 22:59

Canuck - If you have built a good relationship with your natural father, perhaps you should engage his feelings on this matter. Maybe he can clarify all of this for you and find out if it would be ok for you to contact, or if he needs more time etc.

Then you can get a clear honest picture and not have to worry about the opinions of complete strangers.

I wish you the best and hope it all turns out for you.

wannaBe · 30/03/2010 23:01

but in the one sentence you're saying that you understand and yet this thread is all about how you feel he should have contacted you by now. Surely the fact that you feel he should have contacted you by now is a clear indication that you're not really sympathetic to the time he needs to process this information. You say you are, but clearly you're not - clearly you feel that he should have contacted you. If you didn't then you wouldn't have posted this thread.

What you have to consider is that he may never process this information.

What you also have to consider is that he may well process the information, may contact you but may not wish to have any kind of sibling type relationship with you.

Because although many people do make contact with relatives, many don't continue to have a relationship after that.

You need to stop worrying about his lack of contact and start to consider from your own perspective how you are going to deal with it if he doesn't want a relationship, even if he wants to contact you out of mere curiosity.

Blood is clearly important to you and I get the impression that you are hoping for a close relationship with this brother in the event he contacts you. I think in fact you are almost willing a relationship by your eagerness to have contact from him.

But you need to prepare yourself for the fact it may not happen. And you need to consider how you are going to process that if/when it doesn't.

differentnameforthis · 31/03/2010 00:36

Agree with wannabe! You also have to realise, that if and when he does meet you, that won't necessarily mean that he wants a relationship with you.

You do go on about giving him time to process it & tell his fiancé & her family, but then in the same sentence you still moan about him not contacting you! If you really mean it, about giving him time, you need to stop this. You need to move on with your life, expecting nothing...then what does come (when & if it does) it will be a be a pleasant surprise. But then you need to understand that 1 meeting will not = a whole new pleasant life together.

You may meet once & then he may never want to see you again. I have heard of this happening as a way for people to fulfil their curiosity. One meeting maybe all it takes.

Your expectations are way too high. You need to stop thinking this through at all angles & let what will be, be.

CelticStarlight · 31/03/2010 06:03

OP, in some respects I do feel for you because I have some experience of getting to know a once absent parent and all the attendant emotions it can evoke. Meeting a birth parent can really play havoc with your perception and feelings for quite a long time afterwards, it can be quite a dangerous time in some ways, a bit like the first flush of love.

But even though I am sympathetic, I also think you have quite a romantic view of the 'specialness' of blood relationships and this is rather clouding your judgement with regard to your half-brother.

I am someone that has turned down the opportunity of meeting both my half-brother and my half-sister, both of whom have contacted me within the last five years, though at different times. If they had contacted me earlier it might have been different but I am in my thirties now and have already gone through the ultimately unsuccessful experience of meeting and trying to build a relationship with my biological father. After a number of quite painful experiences I realised that he is a narcissist and had caused untold damage to various partners and family members along the way. Once I realised this I cut contact and have lived in blissful estrangement from him ever since.

I don't want to have any contact with my half-siblings simply because I just don't want any more complications or emotional drama in my life. It isn't their fault and I'm sure they're lovely people but I just don't have the desire to meet them because I know that these relationships do not always end like a fairytale and that they take a lot of effort and thought on both sides to get right because you start from a basis of being complete strangers with no real shared experiences. They can also often very fraught, particularly if one sibling's experience of a parent is completely different to that of another sibling. For example, how would you feel if you found out that your brother had been spoilt rotten by your father, when you had been effectively ignored for years?

There was no magical blood bond with my father and I doubt there would be with my half siblings either, I personally think those bonds are forged more by growing up together and sharing your life with someone. I love my husband much more than all but one of my blood relatives to be honest, and we have a lot more in common than a lot of people I share my blood with.

If you love someone and you have a blood bond then I think that can be the strongest bond you can have with a person, but if there is no love then a blood bond means nothing, it's just a fact of nature. Neither does it obligate you to have a relationship with someone if you don't want to.

Whatever you do, I would seriously advise you not to push your half-brother into any meetings or relationship. You can indicate that you would like to meet him when he is ready, but I really wouldn't push it any further than that otherwise you run the risk of alienating him completely. My half-sister was particularly insensitive and pushy and it made me even more determined not to get involved.