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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that my long lost brother would have contacted me by now?

105 replies

canucktraveler · 30/03/2010 12:07

I met my natural father last Oct for the first time (he never had anything to do with me and I did not even know who he was until I was 21). I was meant to meet him when I was 21 after speaking to him but he stood me up. So I left it for a LONG time...until I had a child and had a year where I was very ill and decided that I would try to make contact again. I did, we met and all went well. We have been in contact ever since. I discovered I have a brother that I did not know about. My father told my brother about me 3 months ago. He has not contacted me. I would love to get to know him, I have two other brothers and adore them and it is important for my DD to know them and have them in her life. Why would he not want to contact me??? I don't get it??

OP posts:
StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 21:37

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StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 21:38

oops dodgy K, they all knew.

LadyBiscuit · 30/03/2010 21:39

Gosh yes norkybutnice. I know my friend's family would be devastated if they thought her adopted DD didn't see them as family - they absolutely adore her and she has brought them together after a time of family tragedy.

My DCs don't know their father and I would hope that if I ever met someone who would want to be a father to them, then he would to all intents and purposes, be their dad, not some cypher to be dumped if they decided to try and find their 'real' father later.

Pollyanna · 30/03/2010 21:43

I have a half sister. i have no desire to have a relationship with her. she is not family just because we share a father.

At some stage I may meet her (she has contacted me through facebook), but I think this will only be through curiosity not because I want or need a relationship with her. I have a complete family already, I don't need anyone else.

You are unrerasonable to assume that everyone feels the same way as you.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/03/2010 21:43

I don't want to have a relationship with my biological father or any family he may have. He is not my family. He just isn't. And were someone from his family to try to make contact, I think I would avoid it TBH. Because it would be complicated and messy for my life. I dare say that is rather selfish though.

wannaBe · 30/03/2010 21:47

but sc you didn't not consider them family until you found out. Had you never found out, you would never have felt any less for them than if they'd been blood relatives. They were your family, you can't have known instinctively that they weren't iyswim.

I suspect that the loss of the bond you've felt has less to do with the fact they're not blood relatives and more to do with the betrayal you felt at finding out.

StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 21:47

But Pollyanna you don't refuse to make any new friends because you have some already?

You don't know how amazing it might be. I don't know how you can ever say your family is complete, won't you have more children or nieces and nephews even grandchildren someday?

Everyones family is expanding all the time so why do you feel specially that you don't have room for this one person?

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/03/2010 21:51

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StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 21:51

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wannaBe · 30/03/2010 21:52

"The bond I feel with my siblings was instant" I have an adopted friend who says this. She said that when she walked into the house where her birth family live she felt as if she belonged there whereas she'd never felt that at home (it wasn't a happy adoption though tbh as she was in the middle of two biological children and her adoptive mother is a cow). But it was not mutual for her and her biirth family made it very clear they wanted nothing to do with her - that it was a one off meeting to satisfy all their curiosities and nothing more.

runnybottom · 30/03/2010 21:54

If your mother was adopted your GM is your GM and always had been.
I find that attitude apalling TBH, and really very sad.

StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 21:56

I just can't feel like that right now, I can't It's lost to me. Maybe one day I will see it as I used to but right now I can't imagine that.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/03/2010 22:00

Does your mum know how you feel? Gosh. If my children were to feel that way about my (adoptive) father, it would break my (and his) heart.

wannaBe · 30/03/2010 22:02

sc, why didn't they tell you?

Did they genuinely withhold the information for a malicious reason, or is it that they just never considered you needed to know - does your mother consider them her family?

Tbh surely it's more important how your mum feels about them - if it was you that was adopted then the betrayal is obvious, but if your mum is happy with things the way they are and doesn't consider herself "adopted" then shouldn't you take that into consideration?

Portoeufino · 30/03/2010 22:02

I made contact with a family member through my family tree. He is in his 60s and was fostered out by his mother at a young age. Due to the fact that he was illegitimate, he has been totally blanked by the family, even after all these years.

I feel desperately sad for him, but beyond giving him the info I know, I can do nothing. I am not prepared to upset elderly relatives by asking the right questions- despite thinking that he has a "right" to the information.

StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 22:03

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TheFallenMadonna · 30/03/2010 22:05

It has actually never occurred to me that this would be an issue for my children. I guess I'd better bring it up somehow with them. Blimey.

Pollyanna · 30/03/2010 22:06

I don't actively seek out new friends actually because I find it difficult to make the time to see the ones I have got. I have 2 sisters and don't feel the need for anymore really. I agree that it could be amazing, but for me it is an issue of too many people/pressures and too little time. And I don't feel a gap in my life that nees to be filled I suppose.

Also my half sister lives in another country so it would require flights etc to see her and I just can't be bothered with the hassle to be honest. I don't feel particularly drawn by the blood argument. But I wlil meet up through curiosity one day, and this may lead to a genuine relationship or not - I am open to this happening.

StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 22:06

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Pollyanna · 30/03/2010 22:08

It's not that I don't have room for another sister, its just that I don't have need for one. I have 5 children, a ft job, a dh, 2 sisters, a mum and friends. plus dhs family. all of these take up all of my time and energy at the moment.

Original poster
canucktraveler · 30/03/2010 22:08

Ladybiscuit - The father that I grew up with will always be my Dad. He was there for me, guided me, supported me etc. However he is not my natural father. He has been very, very supportive of me meeting my father, etc. In fact they went to school together and lived down the road from each other, it was a very close knit group of friends. My Dad is an amazing man, however he fully understands my need to know my natural father.

As I said everyone is entitled to make their own decisions about their lives and live by them. This does not change the fact that I think it is very sad that people would not want to know their blood relatives. They are your history, your genetics by not knowing them you are denying a part of yourself.

OP posts:
StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 22:09

ThefallenMadonna I do think if I had known from a young age I would have accepted it and it wouldn't have been a big deal. I know plenty of adopted people.

What I didn't like was finding out as an adult and knowing that everyone else knew already! As an adult you think your background is set and it hurts, badly, to find out things are not as you think.

Tell them yound and they will accept it and move on.

StrictlyKatty · 30/03/2010 22:11

PS I always knew I had half siblings from a v young age so I never had the horrible shock of finding that out at least

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/03/2010 22:14

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wannaBe · 30/03/2010 22:15

my dad's eldest sister had a baby whom my nan adopted. She then went on to have three other children. Afaik they don't know that their uncle is actually their brother.