To think that my long lost brother would have contacted me by now?

[canucktraveler]

I met my natural father last Oct for the first time (he never had anything to do with me and I did not even know who he was until I was 21). I was meant to meet him when I was 21 after speaking to him but he stood me up. So I left it for a LONG time...until I had a child and had a year where I was very ill and decided that I would try to make contact again. I did, we met and all went well. We have been in contact ever since. I discovered I have a brother that I did not know about. My father told my brother about me 3 months ago. He has not contacted me. I would love to get to know him, I have two other brothers and adore them and it is important for my DD to know them and have them in her life. Why would he not want to contact me??? I don't get it??

has your dad definitely told him?

if he has, could it be that it has brought up lots of painful issues and probs between them and brother isn't ready to make contact yet? if so 3 months isn't long

Yes, he has told his family. I was only allowed to contact him at work before, now I can contact him at home. He told me that all was good when he told his family and that he would contact me after discussing with his fiance (he is getting married in the summer). I don't understand what problems/painful issues there would be?? I came way before my father met his current wife and 10 years before my brother from another mother was born. I am not a product of an affair or marriage break-up or anything like that.

Harsh as it may sound unfortunately he may just not be interested. How old is this brother?

Why would you assume he would want to?

How can someone not be interested in knowing family, particularly that they have not met or know very little about?? That does not make sense to me?? He is 27 years old.

I am particularly interested to hear from any others that may have experienced the same thing and how things worked out for them.

Maybe he has a family, and doesn't think of someone he's never met or heard of as family?
I think you have high expectations. I say this as a person with lots of family that I don't know or have never met.

sorry canucktraveler to hear this has been a painful time for you. I know from experience how painful this type of situation can be. My natural dad left when I was 7 weeks old because I was so young the judge only gave him visiting rights for my sister who was three years older. This has caused alot of problems as he has been at various fmaily do's (my sisters wedding, nieces christenings etc) I have made it clear I would like to get to know him but he does not want to know. He has a son and daughter from his new marriage who are now in their twenties and have said they would like to meet my children etc but no real plans have been made. It is awkward all round and I suspect your half brother is finding the situaion hard, but to you it just feels like rejection. This experience has affected my confidence and I cannot stress enough the importance in beleiving in yourself and if they don't get in contact that it is there loss. Good luck and I hope you are able to build a relationship with him over time.

"How can someone not be interested in knowing family, particularly that they have not met or know very little about?? That does not make sense to me?? He is 27 years old. "

Unfortunately some people just aren't interested. My DH is adopted and has zero interest in finding out about his birth mother or relatives.

Perhaps your brother is waiting for you to make the first move? Why not contact him, then ou'll know one way or the other. I do feel for you.

Some people are just not interested in family and just don't get the blood is thicker than water thing. My dh hasn't spoken to his sister for a couple of years and will probably go the rest of his live not bothering even though she lives a few miles away. My brother lives abroad and I see more of him than my dh does of any of his siblings!

I would try not to take it personally.

My friend recently found out that he has a sister who was adopted as a baby when he was two years old.

He was clearing out his Mums belongings when he found out about his sister. His Mum never told him even though his Auntie pleaded with her to do so before she died. His father was violent and eventually left his Mum, him and his baby sister and she was just unable to care for both of them

My friend is still coming to terms with the fact that he has a sister that he didn't know about for over 30 years. He says he will make contact when the time is right for him. Maybe your brother is feeling this way too?

I really hope that things turn out well for you.

loumacca that is just so sad

hope he makes contact and all works out well for you canuck - 3 months isn't that long to get used to a new idea for some people...plus he may have major stuff happening in his life now and wants to meet you when he is 'himself'?

I was adopted at birth - my birth mother went on to marry and have 3 boys, one of whom made contact with me and I've met, one who I exchanged a couple of emails with but that's it, and a third who has no interest at all in meeting me (he was even in London at the same time as his big brother and didn't come to our meet-up).

As for my own family, I hadn't seen or spoken to my own brother for well over a year until his girlfriend had a baby recently. He last saw DS when he was 6 months - he's now 2 and a half!

That's just the way some families are.

He's not a long lost brother, I'd say that is a sibling you were separated from at an early age and have always known you had. He's an adult half brother who has only recently been told of your existence.
To me your family are the people you grew up with. If I now as an adult found I had a half sibling I wouldn't consider tham family in the same way my real sibs are, just someone I share some genetic material with that I may wish to meet at some time if it's convenient.

Thanks for responses from those of you that have experienced a similar thing yourself.

I was jumping up and down excited when I found out I have another brother. I adore my other 2 brothers. I have a very hard time understanding why people would not want to meet a family member, it just does not make any sense to me....

Just as a father that wants nothing to do with a child they have created. I just find that dispicable and I am talking from experience.

llareggub I have thought of contacting him...but I also don't want to not give him a reasonable time to process this all. Without knowing someone how can you determine what a reasonable time is???

I do understand 'blood is thicker than', I strongly believe that it is the bonds of family that ties and that at the end of the day family is what you have.

I can understand if you know your family, don't get along and don't have contact. That is a different thing.

Not to put to harsh a point on it but he may just not have any interest. I know I didn't when it came to biological parents and siblings, never made contact and never will made it clear that I have no desire to ever see any of them.
Where as my sister did meet hers.

I have a good friend who is adopted, her birth mother wrote to her a few years ago. She carries the letter around with her, but hasn't responded - she just feels she can't. People deal with these situations in different ways.

I have actually built (still building) a good relationship with 'our' natural father. So much so that when I go home in the summer I will be meeting my grandmother and great grandmother on fathers side. I now even work part-time for my natural father. It will be hard for my brother to 'avoid' (for lack of a better word coming to mind) the situation and surely it would be better to make 'soft contact' now.

Not if he doesn't want to, in fact being essentially forced by circumstance to make any sort of contact could be a damn sight worse and not better at all. TBH you seem to think that he should have exactly the same feelings as you about the situation (can't understand ppl like this/surely it would be better etc)when the reality of it however he chooses to react is just as valid a reaction as yours and deserves equal respect. There's no universal right or wrong in this situation or better or worse, only right or wrong for that person and better or worse for that person.

I can tell you right now that I will never speak to any of my biological family (unless of course I've somehow encountered them without knowing) and if somehow I was put in a situation where they formed a relationship with my family and it would be awkward for me not to see them then I'd take whatever awkward lengths needed to not see them.

It may have come as a huge shock to him to realise he is not the only child of his father, and not just that but he's not even the first child! It would tilt his position in his own world and he probably views you as a usurper.

You can't judge other people by your reaction to things. Let along decide what is better for them. Your brother may well have all sorts of valid reasons to leave things as they are but the more demanding you become about making contact, the more likely it is that he'll walk away. Leave it. That way you won't be disappointed. Although on the subject of disappointments, have you considered how you would cope with meeting but having absolutely nothing in common (or liking) your brother?

He isn't "long, lost" by the way. You are currently not introduced.

thumbwitch Yep see your point, understand the shock.

But would a grown mature adult think that a blood sibling is a usurper? I could understand a child thinking this without a doubt but a reasoning adult?

Would agree with pikelit, the forcing issue would not help. My main reason for not wanting to meet any biological relatives is mainly due to my lack of interest but also that by my logic if they've gone to the trouble of trying to make contact then they are most likely looking to form some sort of relationship beyond meeting just out of sheer curiosity. Your OP sounds as though that is the case, talking about how important it is for your daughter to know him etc, and I'd imagine the close relationship you are developing with your father is further confirmation of this in his mind at least.
These are the kind of things I'd most certainly want to avoid and coupled with any sort of attempt to force the issue it would not be for me.
Sorry if it sounds harsh but you did ask for reasons as to why he may not be interested, essentially the mantra of "blood is thicker than water" is a subjective stance. For me blood is irrelevant, so to you he's your "long-lost brother" to him you may be simply a stranger.
Of course the opposite could be true, he could want a relationship but when he's ready and come to terms with it.
The point is it's up to him how he deals with it, not you.

the thing is, he's not family. It just happens you share a father. Blood does not make a bond - it just doesn't, however much you want it to, and tbh I think you're building this up in your mind to the point where you have expectations of this brother sister relationship along the lines that it could be the same as your relationship with your other siblings. But it can't be the same. YOu didn't grow up together, you don't share a mother, you have nothing in common apart from the fact you have the same father, and you don't have the bond that you had with your other brothers growing up, so even if you met you still would never develop the same kind of relationship.

Aside from that, your brother has most likely learned things about his father that he didn't know, and didn't expect, that his father had other children that no-one knew about, that his father was the sort of man who could walk away from those children and have nothing to do with them for deckades. That's a pretty harsh thing to find out about a parent, even before you take into consideration the fact there are siblings you didn't know about.

My dad's natural father left them when my dad was fourteen. When my nan died last year my dad did some research to see if he could find out what happened to his dad. Not because he wanted to find him, but because he just wanted to know out of curiosity. It appears that he did remarry and that there are possibly more children, (I have it on good authority he was a bit of an arse and it's possible there could be several more children iyswim). Tbh I myself am curious. I wonder if there are aunts and uncles and cousins out there that I've never met, or perhaps I have met and don't know we're related, I'd love to know, although I'd never contact any of them if I found out. But my dad just has no interest what so ever. He's found out his dad died (hasn't lost any sleep over it as he was never a father to them anyway) and that's that - he doesn't want to pursue it. They're not family to him, they have no relationship, end of.

"thumbwitch Yep see your point, understand the shock. shock

But would a grown mature adult think that a blood sibling is a usurper? I could understand a child thinking this without a doubt but a reasoning adult? "

Well as is seen in pretty much all human interactions, reason often gets ousted by emotion. Especially when it's family.
And he may not be aware of the cause of his non-interest as the usurper theory, it could be a sub-conscious thing which has pre-disposed him to not wanting to meet you which he has just put down to a gut feeling.
Once again I'm not trying to have a go as it's obvious this means a lot to you, but you seem to only view this from your perspective. There are things which you have done in this which other "reasoning adults" would not have.
They would not put such stake in relationships with people who are essentially strangers but happen to share a blood-line. They would accept another adult may not want to form ties with a newly found adult sibling etc.
I'm not saying these to be mean, I'm just saying that these are things which an objective reasonable adult may not do but which you have done because this is understandably a big deal to you.

so your earlier post of:

"How can someone not be interested in knowing family, particularly that they have not met or know very little about?? That does not make sense to me?? He is 27 years old."
doesn't make sense to you, but may make perfect sense to him or other "reasonable adults". His reactions don't have to make sense to you to be reasoable, if he were like me he would think your desire for a relationship is just as unreasonable as you think his lack of interest in one is.