To think that my long lost brother would have contacted me by now?

[canucktraveler]

I met my natural father last Oct for the first time (he never had anything to do with me and I did not even know who he was until I was 21). I was meant to meet him when I was 21 after speaking to him but he stood me up. So I left it for a LONG time...until I had a child and had a year where I was very ill and decided that I would try to make contact again. I did, we met and all went well. We have been in contact ever since. I discovered I have a brother that I did not know about. My father told my brother about me 3 months ago. He has not contacted me. I would love to get to know him, I have two other brothers and adore them and it is important for my DD to know them and have them in her life. Why would he not want to contact me??? I don't get it??

I also agree that not everyone has the "blood thicker than water" thing - I know I don't, my family generally doesn't (lots of rifts and non-speakers) - perhaps he doesn't either.

And you don't know that he's a mature adult - he might be a thoroughly immature one who doesn't want to bother his arse about more female relatives who'll probably expect him to remember their birthdays etc. (sorry, that last bit is meant to be tongue in cheek)

mayorquimby I cannot possibly understand why you would not want to meet your blood relatives, that does not make sense to me.

You are entitled to your feelings and to do as you please in your own case. You have provided your argument as why you think my brother would not want contact and that is fine, however I doubt that this is the case from things that my father has said to me.

I disagree that 'blood does not make a bond' for me this is the strongest bond we have as human beings. I have never loved like I love my own child and that is because she is my blood. The same with my family.

but canuck, that is rather the point - those are YOUR feelings, not necessarily your "brother's". You cannot possibly expect him to have the same feelings as you, you don't know him!

I'm sorry, canucktraveler but you are making so many assumptions about your brother that I fear some heartache is ahead for you. You simply cannot (not matter how many times you assure yourself) do another person's thinking for them. Blood, I'm afraid, is very often far less thicker than water and often we can be closest to those family members we aren't strictly speaking, related to.

I hope that you do meet your brother but it will be on his terms, no matter how much you wish differently. Or, and I am hoping this isn't how you are getting to him, by applying pressure to meet via your father. Because you stand to damage both relationships if you do.

I found out about 15 years ago (just after mother died) that I had 2 half siblings who had been adopted at birth. One 3 years older than me and one about 7 years older.

I was desperate to meet them - mainly out of curiosity. However, I couldn't actually do much.

Subsequently (5 years ago) my half brother made contact. He actually lives very near me. We have seen each other maybe once a year? He seemed a nice enough chap but to be honest we don't have a lot in common. I have recently found out (from him) that he has had an affair and been accused of domestic violence (by 2 women). I don't know the rights and wrongs here, but "no smoke without fire". My DH and other DB think he is an idiot.

If the other child made contact (she'd be nearly 50 now), I'd meet up sure, but wouldn't expect any more.

Not sure if that helps, but I can see why someone would chose not to make contact, whereas when I was younger I would have shared OP's opinion.

Well then you've kind of proven my point. If you can't bring yourself to see things from another persons POV, doesn't mean you have to agree with it, then you'll never understand why someone might not want to make contact with a biological relative. I can't for the life of me see why someone would want to meet a stranger so badly, but I understand that some people do and I can recognise their logic. Doesn't mean I agree with them or think they're right, but I can at least bring myself to understand their way of thinking.
You seem to have no interest in trying to see the logic of someone who would not want to meet their bio-relatives so I'm not sure why you started this thread or asked the questions that you have.

hope this isn't too convoluted as there's an abundance of synonyms (understand,recognise,see etc.) which makes it read as though it's all double negatives.

Pikelit

I have absolutely nothing in common with my youngest brother from my mother, I don't like the way he leads his life. He is my brother, my blood and I love him 'no matter'. Would I be disappointed if we had nothing in common?? No. My natural father and I have very little in common but we do like each other and respect each others differences and want to know more.

Thumbwitch

Nope don't know him, but 'our' father does know him. My brother has asked my father questions about me and asked to see pictures of my family and I. I do not think that he wants nothing to do with me. Do I think he may be confused, shocked, surprised, not sure what to say? Yes.

Mayorquimby

Do I think you are having a go? Yes. I do not understand your reasoning for not wanting to meet family, but I accept all human beings are different and that this is YOUR choice. By the same token I don't think that you should state that your reasoning for the situation is the only reasoning. I think that it is a sad state of affairs in the world when family are not put first.

I'm not saying mine is the only reasoning. You asked in your op "why would he not want to meet me?I don't get it." and you went further than that to ask for replies from people who have been through similar things. So I gave you my perspective as someone who was on the other side (i.e. the person who refused contact) and attempted to explain one possible reason why someone may not want to meet a biological sibling they have never met before. I made it clear that this was not the only possible reason throughout my posts and even commented on others theories as to why he may find it difficult to meet you (i.e. the usurper theory), at no point have I stated that mine is the only reasoning.
On the other hand you have dismissed pretty much all responses,which BTW you requested in the first place, as simply not making sense unless they have alligned with yours.
Once again, why did you ask for others perspectives if you were onyl going to dismiss them?

"I disagree that 'blood does not make a bond' for me this is the strongest bond we have as human beings. I have never loved like I love my own child and that is because she is my blood. The same with my family."

This is an excellent example of my case in point. Someone pointed out that not everyone feels the same way about bloodline relatives, and in fact you opinion is pretty condescending to anyone who is part of an adoption family, but rather than accepting that people have different experiences you state that you categorically disagree with it based only on your own experiences.

Canucktraveler

I am so sorry to hear about this, this must be so hard for you.

I want to let you know that I experienced a similar situation but from the opposite side. I found out that I had a sister that my mother gave up for adoption. I found out via another relative not from my mother. I also found out that she had it very tough growing up. When I found out about her I wanted to meet her and know more but I did not know what to say, how to approach it, what would happen etc. I was very angry at my mother for never telling me and I did not know how I would deal with this either when it came to my sister. It took along time to work out and I went for counselling and joined a support group. Eventually we had someone organise us meeting.

These things take time, I really wanted to meet her straight away but I just didn't know how to do it or what to say so time dragged on. Now that we have met we have become very close and we do have a 'sisterly bond', you do not need to grow up together to have one. I really wish that we would have met sooner and not missed out on so many years.

Not everyone is like mayorquimby and there are tonnes of positives outcomes in terms of meeting birth siblings (as I discovered through the support group).

I truly wish you the best and don't give up hope for a good outcome, the odds are in your favour!

Steady the butts. Let us not have a mayorquimby bash here. I don't recall her suggesting it was wrong to meet birth siblings, merely that it can be misguided to make automatic assumptions about blood relatives needing to meet.

I thought MQ was a man?

Am a man, and I have not once suggested that it's wrong to meet birth siblings. In fact as I pointed out earlier on my sister did it because she felt it was right and it was something she wanted to do.
All I was doing was answering the OP's question of why her brother may not want to meet. I didn't realise that in fact no answers were acceptable unless they made sense to the OP and her blood relatives must have an in built desire to meet other blood relatives stance.

Pikelit

Actually it sounds more like the bashing is of the OP when she is experiencing a difficult situation and looking for positive advice and support. Some posters are making negative assumptions rather than positive ones, in addtion to this is this insistance that 'your brother may not want to meet you/like you' etc. When OP's brother may actually be dying to meet her but feels horrendous about what their father did.

If you go on to read all of OP's messages, her sibling has made queries about her and her family. This sounds very positive to me.

I don't think it is wrong for the OP to focus on the positive nor feel that a blood relative she has not met is family. I certainly felt this way about my adopted sister.

You can't force the issue and if he doesn't want to meet you, then he doesn't. I don't speak to large numbers of my family. Being related by blood means jack shit to me, sorry.

"Some posters are making negative assumptions rather than positive ones,"

She asked a question that invited both negative and positive responses.i.e. why does he not want to contact me?
Even in offering my perspective I made sure to highlight the fact that this perspective was subjective and I could only vouch for it's veracity as it pertained to me.
In fact in my 3rd post on this thread i suggested that he may be nothing like me but in fact really does want a relationship when he has wrapped his head around the situation and feels he is ready.
"Of course the opposite could be true, he could want a relationship but when he's ready and come to terms with it."

To my mind there's no point in simply burying your head to the posibility that he may not want contact, if that was the case why would she ask the question?

Sorry for getting gender wrong mayorquimby.

I wasn't wanting to bash the OP either, ticktockclock but I do think it is possible to post justifiable opinions on things without reverting to statements like "not everyone is like xxxx".

Mayorquimby

You said - You asked in your op "why would he not want to meet me?I don't get it."
This is not what the OP put. The OP asked 'why has he not contacted me by now' in terms of time. This is different you are misinterpreting. There are ways to give advice positively. Someone else has said that the OP is making assumptions and is instore for heartache, I would say that is a pretty big assumption in itself. MQ you have also said that the brother 'has a lack of interest in the OP', how would you know? Do you know him? Have you asked him?

Furthermore in the support group I attended it was shown that statistically 95% of people want to meet their birth families. You are not in the norm MQ and that is ok. The OP even said in one of her posts that was your opinion and choice but not the only opinion.

I don't think that the OP is burying her head in anything, only trying to remain hopeful.

"Why would he not want to contact me???"

Is the exact quote from her OP which is closer to my paraphrase than a mere question of a time constraint.
I'd be interested in seeing those statistics, just because from anecdotle evidence that seems high.
And my whole point was not that I am the norm, it was that things like statistics and what the OP might consider to be objectively reasonable of an adult who has found out about a biological sibling mean nothing when dealing with a subjective individual.
Also I never said definitively that he didn't have an interest, in fact I was not even the first to suggest it. I was responding to the OP's seeming assertion that it's impossible not to have an interest in such a thing when I am living proof of someone who holds no such interest and was trying to explain to her one reason (not a definitive or the only reason) how and why someone may not have an interest.that was it.

but the subject of the op is (ibu) "to think that my long lost brother would have contacted me by now?" and the overwhelming opinion on this thread has been yes. Because even though op is not unreasonable for wanting contact with her brother, from her posts it is quite clear that op believes that a blood bond means more than anything and that anyone must want to meet any relative they find out they had, when that's clearly not the case. Many adopted people want to meet their birth families, and a huge part of the reason for that is so they can gain a sense of their identity. But it's a lot more common for the birth family not to want to meet the child that was given up for adoption or to have a relationship with them.

Ultimately there is no right or wrong. And it is quite clear that the op is hoping for some kind of relationship that might never materialize. It might, but equally op needs to consider that it might not, because not everyone thinks like her.

Tbh I would wonder whether the brother even knows, or whether the father is telling the op what he thinks she wants to hear, perhaps to spare her feelings, or perhaps to not let on that he's not told his family. Let's be honest - he hasn't exactly got a good history - leaves his child for years and years, moves on and starts another family, catches up with his daughter after 21 years but never shows up for the meeting, and then only years later starts a relationship with her, and only then does he supposedly tell his family that he has a child by a previous relationship.

Clearly he's quite a capable lier, so I might be inclined to wonder how truthful he's being about the brother being interested - or even being aware of op's existence.

I am not adopted nor is my situation relating to adoption so I cannot comment on statistics or feelings related to that. Although I understand that there are similarities between my situation and someone from an adoptive situation.

I do not understand why someone would not want to have a link to their blood relatives. Just because I do not understand someone's reasoning for not doing something does not mean that I have to believe it to be correct. Mayorquimby - if you want nothing to do with your birth family that is your choice and something you must live with. I have no qualm with your choice. I am sorry if you feel that I have been less than understanding, however I do not believe my situation to be the same as yours.

We do not have to agree. The world is a diverse place and we all have feelings, a conscience, and an education and we make decisions that suit us. Just as I cannot understand people that wouldn't accept a blood transfusion, it is not something I have to agree with or understand. However that person is entitled to make that decision and live with it. I also think that there is a way to offer positive and negative feedback without attacking.

WannaBe - I find it interesting you say birth families do not want to meet or have relationships. When over the years rather than closing adoption records, sperm donor records, etc they have been opening up around the world to facilitate meeting.

Furthermore you do not understand fully the situation of my birth so you once again are making assumptions. My parents were teenage friends (16 years old), my mother got pregnant whilst in turmoil from the slow and painful death of her brother (whom she treasured) from leukemia. My mother told my natural father about my birth and brought me to visit his mother whilst I was a child (cannot remember this)but told my father that she did not want or need any help from him and that I was HER daughter and to stay away. My father did not fight it. Yes, my mother made mistakes as well. When he grew up he then married (a widower with 2 other children) and then had my brother. He did not meet me the first time because his wife did not want him to. She said her or me. She was jealous and has since apologised. My father is not a capable liar! I do not appreciate this inaccurate assumption. A string of circumstances led to this.

His family do know about me, his brothers and cousin introduced us when we first met. It was organised by family whom were very understanding and sympathetic to the situation. I understand that my brother may have difficulty coming to terms with this and I now understand reasons this may be after reading the post from ticktockclock.

"WannaBe - I find it interesting you say birth families do not want to meet or have relationships. When over the years rather than closing adoption records,
sperm donor records, etc they have been opening up around the world to facilitate meeting." That has been done predominantly to help the children of such donations to help to build their own identities/have a heritage. And it is also the case that the numbers of sperm and egg donations has dropped dramatically as a result, because most people simply don't want to have a child whom they are only related to by means of the cells they donated knocking on their door in eighteen years time.

I know several people who were adopted and in most cases, while the children definitely wanted contact with their birth families, the desire was not mutual, and most families, while they did agree to meet, made it very clear that they did not want to pursue any kind of relationship or even further meetings, they had made the decision to place their child for adoption and had moved on with their own lives. The child was not a part of that and they did not feel they could slot into their lives. In one case I know someone who hadn't even told her children that she'd had another child and never did.

Equally I know people who have traced their birth family purely because they wanted to know where they have come from. Their adoptive parents are their parents and the ones who gave them up did so by choice and thus are not their parents other than by genetics.

People place too much emphasis on blood. For many people we have a blood bond to our own children because we carried them and nurtured them and gave birth to them and we have that maternal bond. But for many people that's not the case. Many people choose to give up their babies for adoption, many fathers (over 50%) have no contact with their children again following a separation, (no I don't understand that one either but it happens), many, many families are estranged for any number of reasons. It is far too simplistic too suggest that because you have a blood bond you have a bond and will love each other purely because you are related by blood. Because there is far too much evidence to the contrary to make that true.

StrictlyKatty - that's very sad IMO, how does you Mum feel about the fact that you don't consider her "proper" relatives with the people who brought her up?

If DS ever expressed that opinion about my parents then I'd never forgive myself.

I hate these ones....AIBU, yes you are, No I'm not, I'm completely right and you're all mean/weird.
Why bother?