to not want to learn to drive

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

as I am beginning to think I might have too and I really do not want to!

I don't like cars, My parents couldn't drive only one of my 5 siblings can drive. my dh does drive and we own a car.

We barely use our car as dh commutes by train and we don't always ude car at weekend but we live in an area where if we couldn't drive at all life would be difficult. With 3 children aged between 18m and 5 using public transport is challenging but not impossible, the main problem is the lack of buses and direct bus routes to where we would like to go. We have excellent links by train into London.

So the pressure is on me to learn how to drive to ferry the children around when required and to be able to drive to work myself when I want to return to that world. I am scared by the responsibility of driving, have no experience or affinity with cars, have environmental concerns about cars, don't want to increase my carbon footprint. But I am aware that I am no longer a city girl and the bus/train alternative does not cover all the trips I would/ could make in a car.

I am a transport planner (pre-children) and although my field is Public transport I am quite sure that if I want to work outside a city I will need transport and be expected to drive. I have considered lying (my father did 30 years ago when he told his new employers that 'of course' he could drive then he let the company car rot in our garage - a family of mice moved in - while he got to all his meetings by bus!)but dh keeps telling me about all the problems I would solve by being able to drive...

Am I kidding myself that an adult can manage outside a city w/out being able to drive?

Think you are being a bit nuts really

There are lots of cities where you can live and get to places without having to drive. But you chose not to live in one.

Your children are young now. You wait until one is at a netball match five miles away with no bus route, the second has swimming practice at a pool three miles in the opposite direction and the third has flu.

Oh fgs learn to drive!

YANBU to not want to learn to drive.

I learned to drive but hated it so much I handed back my driving licence about 5 years ago. DW can never drive because she has an illness that makes her lose her balance.

However, we have always made sure we live on very good bus routes and near train stations. Not being able to drive and not being close to public transport with DCs is impossible.

However, it sounds like you have a good train and some buses so no I do not thnk you should learn.

We just adjust our life and do not go to places we cannot get to by bus, train or taxi. If you need to get a job that requires you to go to lots of diffeent places every day with a job you will need to drive. Me and DW work at home so that is never a problem. Again we just adjusted our life.

to be fair Quattro - I would stay in a city/ large town but I am not the only person with a say in where we live - dh hates city life and is much much happier in our commuter village. I could not force him to live in a city environment again and so I have to adapt to life with poor(er) transport links.

But I don't want to drive - and can't help feeling that an unwilling driver will not be a very good one. As far as netball etc. - how an earth did mother manage when I was growing up - we made choices according to what was possible - driving would enable me to become a taxi service for my kids?? - forgive me for not being excited at that prospect. But I do accept it wld bring benefits...

We do have transport links, it is just that in comparison to London they are limited - I made sure our house was close to the schools (all short walks and secondary has a direct bus link), the train station and the shop/ park - I am a transport planner afterall! So I have managed ok so far (we have been here 4 yrs) - just looking ahead to when my working life is added to equation things look more difficult

I don't enjoy driving (so in that sense am 'unwilling' like you) but appreciate the freedom, independence and choices that it confers.

Bigmouth, I can NEVER imagine learing to drive for a massive list of reassons, but primarily...

I can't afford to keep a car, with all the MOT, road tax, petrol, maintenance and so on

I work in London (and live outside of it) - it would take me longer to drive to work than on public transport, and it would also cost me more

I have absolutley TERRIBLE spatial awareness. And I mean terrible. It's like my 'thing' with everyone I know Coupled with a ridiculous short temper, I think this may make me someone who shouldn't be driving...

So sorry BM

If you want to learn, please do! And if you ever feel guilty about carbon footprints, please feel free to offset them against me

I don't know, Bigmouth. You are limiting and circumscribing your own freedom which is of course your choice. After all, why should you drive? But you're also limiting and circumscribing the choices your DCs can make, which sits a bit more uncomfortably. Will they not be able to learn to swim because you won't learn to drive?

Also you must have to be ferried round everywhere at weekends. No nipping to Sainsburys for you, or zipping off to get a book, or an emergency pink top for comic relief or presents for birthday parties you didn't know about until the day ... everything planned according to what the public transport system permits.

If you are planning to go back to work, will you have the luxury of having enough time to accommodate your foibles? As a working mum myself, it would be impossible without a car. Literally impossible.

And not only the getting to work part, the weekends get cramped for time and it's fundamental for both me and DH to be able to drive in order to get things done. We wouldn't be able to function if he had to chauffeur me around at weekends.

I take the point that you're a meticulous planner, but really you need all that just to be able to function - I think. Unless you're going back to work in a very low-key way ...

HMC - until I met dh and was actually with someone who owned a car - I did think they offered freedom etc. then I experienced the (expensive) reality - I thought we would be off every weekend enjoying the 'freedom' and being 'spontaneous' - were we eckers like??! Me and dh are not spontaneous people (there I have said it!) - we use the car to visit dh parents (they are not accessible by public transport, in their village you do not consult a bus timetable but look at a calendar!) And go to ikea (3 times a year) and go on hols and occasional trips.

You are just as free with public transport and you do not have the responsibility of driving yourself - I have managed for 35 years but I do feel pressure and the implication that I am limiting myself and that I am not a proper grown up if i cannot drive etc. it is tricky.

My spatial awareness is awful and I am overly cautious or overly reckless and never just right - I can obnly imagine I would be a pitifully bad driver - but it might cure my travel sickness...

I get travel sickness too. Most drivers find that they don't experience this as a driver - only as a passenger.

I also have chronically bad spatial awareness. This makes me a cautious,careful driver - a good thing on the whole.

Driving is infinitely more flexible. A licence doesn't require you to drive (you can still use public transport) but it confers more options when public transport isn't available. i really can't understand why you wouldn't consider it. Are you anxious about driving?

Bigmouth - I have awful spatial awareness. Just awful. And have been driving for 25 years for around 25,000 miles a year without any accidents (and without causing any either)

There's a lot of evidence to show that drivers who know their own limitations make safer and better drivers.

That's the reason why women (who have worse spatial awareness) have fewer accidents and are cheaper to insure.

Do you find that yourself rejecting parking spaces and leaving an extra wide gap when passing parked vehicles Quattro? I do. Like you - touch wood, I haven't had even the merest 'prang' in ten years

I don't drive a car... I've tried. I HATE it. It frightens me.

For a living I drive a train. It's like my brain will only allow me to drive one thing, and as the train is my living it'll have to be that! Seriously - I'm very nervous in a car even as a passenger.

Luckily my job gives me free travel so I can get about, we chose a house 10 mins walk from a station, with schools, parks, pool, town centre, within walking distance. a few things are awkward but DH drives so we try to work round it.

It's fine, I get occasional taxis and its still cheaper than running a car for myself.

I can nip to the supermarket at the weekend I go most saturdays for the paper etc - walking. If I want more shops the train takes 10 mins to the town. So short notice shopping trips are possible -- we have a leisure centre in walking distance we don't use it much yet but I don't think a car should be used for short trips unless there is no alternative.

But I do accept there are times when there is not an alternative - I would like to change that (I was a very committed public transport officer once).

dh has owned 3 cars and each one was inherited from family members - so we have never bought one - but dh despite barely using his would never be without one - if only so he can get to his parents at short notice (they have suffered from ill health which means he wanted to live closer to them)

at hmc. Oh yes. I go in forwards if I can. Avoid tight spaces. Every 3-point turn takes around 7-points. But driving is actually easier than you think ...

Bigmouth, you must go on the driving thread. Reading it will make you realise that there are always going to be legions of MNers who are worse drivers than you ...

Bigmouth, I think that as a non car house hold wee just ahve to be more organised! Food shop is done once a week.

But I suppose we're lucky we have Londis nearby (walking sistance, 10 mins max) for the papers etc

Personally I can't see us ever having a car as I don't ever think it will be necessary, because of public trnasport, and if that can't get us there, cabs

Thank you for all your replies btw I appreciate your candour and good points are being made on both sides of the issue.

how people used to survive, was because less people owned cars, so there was an infrastructure in place which didn't assume that people could drive everywhere.

e.g. more local buses, schools, convenience stores etc. so it wasn't as much of a necessity.

also, i remember my mum packing the entire junior school football team into our car (together with me & dsis, as v few parents were able to give lifts, so 'car pooling' (or overcrowding) happened a lot more (at least where i grew up. nowadays, there are much tighter limits on that, so more parents have to give lifts etc.

how about trying driving, and see how it goes? you can always stop if you really do hate it. i worked with someone who felt just like you did, but when she had a kid, she couldn't get to emergency health care, and her dh was miles away at work. she suddenly felt vulnerable & started to learn. turned out to be a piece of cake for her.

Really good points made on both sides here.

DH and I had a (his)car when we lived in London. He had to have the AA out twice to jump it because we drove it so infrequently the battery went flat. I gave my car to my friend as I had no parking for it. So in London, I would agree, no car required.

Now we live overseas in another capital city and I have just bought a car in advance of DC1 arriving in September. Reasons were

1. Not many facilities within walking distance.In fact, not many pavements- they come and go but i dont want to push the pushchair on the road.

1. Not having a car can make things take a lot longer because you can only carry so much stuff at a time so hard to do multiple errands.

1. Public transport is very centric here so easy to get from home to city centre, but takes ages to get anywhere else as have to go via city. So a journey I could drive in 20 mins I would have to allow 90mins if taking the bus.

Re children, I dont think it hurts children to know that they have to be organised and cant necessarily do everything. However, at school, there was a girl who's mum didnt drive (they had a car). She was an amazing swimmer but couldnt get to galas due to mum not driving. Another mum kindly used to drive 7 miles out of her way to pick up and drop off said girl, which was v nice of her, but not really her responsibility. Girl went on to be national level swimmer. Had other mum not been so nice, she wouldnt have had that great opportunity.

I am in the same situation as you OP, ive just landed a great job at an estate agent, but my boss has already said it would be great if I were to learn to drive. I dont like cars, they are expensive, pollute the air and cause many accidents etc. I also have a fear of driving as I have been in 3 collisions in my life and dont think I could ever get behind a wheel. YANBU, dont drive if you dont want to. I live in London and can get almost anywhere by bus or train.

I think deliberately not learning to drive when you have three kids and live an area where, as you say, it would be very difficult if one of you didn't drive is really precious.

Maybe your DH would like not to always be the weekend driver, maybe one of your kids will want to do an activity that isn't within walking distance or accessible by public transport. Unless you NEVER ask for or accept lifts from anyone I find it a very selfish ideological stance.

OP - if you're that bothered about your carbon footprint, why do you have three children????