to not want to learn to drive

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

as I am beginning to think I might have too and I really do not want to!

I don't like cars, My parents couldn't drive only one of my 5 siblings can drive. my dh does drive and we own a car.

We barely use our car as dh commutes by train and we don't always ude car at weekend but we live in an area where if we couldn't drive at all life would be difficult. With 3 children aged between 18m and 5 using public transport is challenging but not impossible, the main problem is the lack of buses and direct bus routes to where we would like to go. We have excellent links by train into London.

So the pressure is on me to learn how to drive to ferry the children around when required and to be able to drive to work myself when I want to return to that world. I am scared by the responsibility of driving, have no experience or affinity with cars, have environmental concerns about cars, don't want to increase my carbon footprint. But I am aware that I am no longer a city girl and the bus/train alternative does not cover all the trips I would/ could make in a car.

I am a transport planner (pre-children) and although my field is Public transport I am quite sure that if I want to work outside a city I will need transport and be expected to drive. I have considered lying (my father did 30 years ago when he told his new employers that 'of course' he could drive then he let the company car rot in our garage - a family of mice moved in - while he got to all his meetings by bus!)but dh keeps telling me about all the problems I would solve by being able to drive...

Am I kidding myself that an adult can manage outside a city w/out being able to drive?

Bigmouth - goodpoint that. Chatting to people, seeing things that you don't see whe trapped in a car. Actually not wasting time stuck in traffic jams or on frivolous 'junk' journeys. For some people a car is really essential (eg country dwellers) but most car journeys could be done perfecly well by pubic transport but once someone has a car they economically have to defray the fixed costs of licence and depreciation by driving it as much as possible.

Just walked into town and back this morning. Chatted to a bloke who cycles into town in 10 mins but would take 40 mins in a car. He says he saves 1 hour of commuting time on his bike every day.

vesela- your experience mirrors my own. Hassled into driving by my Dad at 18. Failed twice. Passed eventualy by driving repeatedly along the same roads. Felt the realty of driving was just overwhelming on new roads. Then did not drive for 15 years and knew I never would.

I can see both arguments here, as someone who used to drive but now can't (medical reasons). But for me in your position, it would be a case of thinking about the emergencies. What happens if your DH (god forbid) should be taken ill, or break a bone, or have an operation? You need to consider how much you rely on him being able to drive. If you would be stuck - even once a week - if he couldn't, then it's worth you learning just as a backup. I know people who can drive but don't; the important part is that if there is an emergency, you aren't stranded.

You learning to drive wouldn't stop you still planning the days out with your children via public transport. Just because the car's there doesn't mean you have to use it. I would advise you to learn, but not change your day-to-day lifestyle just because you can. And then, if you start having lessons and it really doesn't work out, you aren't all psyched up to change how you do things. I'm with you on the green front, but as I say, just because the license is there in the house doesn't mean that the bus suddenly becomes taboo - or that you're automaticaly going to let your DCs walk all over you as they get older. You'll only end up a taxi for them if you let it happen. I really don't get why some people just ferry their kids everywhere because they can. My mum drove and had her own car - which sat merrily on the drive as I got myself out and about. I got fed up with how much she moaned about driving me places.

I only learned to drive 2 years ago when my DT?s were 6. I cant imagine being without a car now but it never bothered me when I couldn?t drive. I worked full time, DH drove and I took the train a lot. I learned because I was planning to move to P/T work and start collecting the DT?s from school. That would have been difficult if I travelled by train although it wasn?t impossible and I did it for a while before I passed my test.

Then circumstances changed and I had to move the DT?s to a new school. It was impossible to use the train in this scenario and I really don?t know what I would have done if I had no access to a car at that stage. It would have been really difficult to move them to that particular school and that would have been a real disadvantage for DT2 who was having problems.
A worry that I used to have also was what would I do if anything happened to DH.
My long winded point is that you can never really predict when you will be in a position where you will need the skill.
I think its great to have the ability should you need it.

PS I also have dreadful spatial awareness and really up to the point that I passed my test I could not imagine myself driving safely anywhere. The fact that I can now drive still gives me enormous pleasure and a sense of achievement which I?m sure seems silly to a lot of people

At least try a few lessons, you may surprise yourself.

If you pass your test you don't have to drive but you CAN if you need too.

Should your children decide to go to uni at the other end of the country, your partner becomes unfit to drive or you need to visit aging parents more often it will be a godsend. A refresher course and you'll be on the road.

I don't drive. Have tried to learn twice and it TERRIFIED me. However,we are lucky and live in a city with excellent public transport and we live very near a bus stop/frequent buses. DSs always got themselves to school by walking, biking, public transport. I am amazed how many parents routinely drive their children and teens around when they could perfectly easily get around themselves. We do have one car - my DH drives (and loves driving) but I have to say I am not in it often myself. I use public transport to work and walk to library/local shops etc. When we moved to our current house and I asked the then owner how long it took to walk to the shops (we were new to the area) she looked at me in amazement and said she never had. They had 5 cars! . I agree with OPs comment about older people driving. They should have to re-take their test - or certainly their eye test - every couple of years.

I have managed without a car (single parent household). My situation is that I work in the big city, and live within walking distance of a railway station. My children's activities mostly happen within a mile or so of our house.

Bigmouth
"What about the opportunities and experiences you miss by driving?....."

I don't begin to understand this argument.It is nonsense

Why are you mourning your lost life as a pedestrian as if the ability to drive will force you to take every journey by car?

I have a car and I drive only when I have to.
I walk DD to school every morning, walk her to gym on saturday and back again through town via the coffee shop.
I have the car for when I have to take DS2. It was most useful when she needed to be rushed to hospital four times - and when I had to get to DS1 who had susstained injuries at a rugby match with the school in the back arse of somewhere or other. I am very plaesed that I didn't have to find a bus or find a cab and turn up at hospital after they found out if he had serious head injuries or not. I think he quite appreciated that I was there ten minutes after the ambulance

I think most people are arguing that having the ability to drive increases your choices and oppertunities.
No one is suggesting that you always have to drive

You need to be able to drive, it will make life easier, really.

My Mum is a 61 year old widow who can't drive, of course she will not learn now. she would have much more independace and freedom if she could drive.

Pagwatch - sorry I was not suggesting that I would 'have' to drive - just countering the arguements that you miss out by not driving - nor am I trying to convince anyone that black is white.

I am just opening the debate - or so I thought.

I accept that I would indeed be able to continue to use public transport - but people who drive tend not too - as if it becomes an option I imagine I would be tempted to use the car more - while at the moment I do not have that temptation.

I just do not see the car as this amazing freedom creating machine - maybe a few years working in the parking department of a loNDON bORO HAS JADED ME - BUT i SAW CARS THEN AS STRESS MACHINES - ALL THESE PURPLE FACES SHREIKING ABOUT THEIR ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO PARK IN FRONT (whoops caps lock sorry in a hurry) - of their mulitple occ homes (with 5 car owners so it simply does not equate!) - coupled with the ability to sit on a train/ bus read a book and watch the world go by - their just seemed to be no competition public transport won every time - but as soon as you have children accessibility becomes an issue and I feel more excluded.

Being able to drive would change things and I am just working out how I feel about it - with the help of the good people of MN - thank you.

"but people who drive tend not too "

But that isn't true. I don't.

I drive when I have to. Otherwise I walk. And my children use the bus and we all use the train. Dh commutes by train.

If you don't want to drive you won't. I don't

tbh be honest I am just glad some people get where I am coming from - as I thought I would be told 'stop whining and get driving' etc. with little sympathy for my feelings on the subject

It is not that simple, though pagwatch.
Once you've paid for the car, it may be cheaper to use it, rather than paying for train tickets.
The sheer convenience can be hard to resist, too.

must walk to school now ttfn

but they already have a car .
and for a lot of places train tickets may be an additional cost but if you then pay parking there is much less difference.

but it is not curently open to the OP to use it, so for her, it would be teh same as acquiring a car...

Just learn to drive for God's sake. It's not rocket science! It doesn't mean you have to drive everywhere it just gives you the option - you are already forking out to tax, MOT and insure a car so I don't see what the problem is. I totally take your point about working in the parking department of a London Borough - I live in London at the moment and thanks to fantastic public transport hardly ever use my car. I'd much rather walk or take a train or bus, but that is not always possible so when necessary I drive. I wouldn't say I have an affinity with cars (whatever that means) - I don't have an affinity with computers, but I sure as hell learned how to use one. Learn to drive - it will change your life. If I can learn anyone can.

[sigh] but they are not going to be paying more for the car on the drive. her options are different but her choices, she says, are not simply financial.

I was not trying to solve the OPs problems,ethical considerations, social concerns, finances and parking in one fell post.
I was simply trying to illustrate that driving will become a choice. It will not become compulsory

[even bigger sigh]the OP will still be in the newly acquired position of choosing between a car that's paid for, or forking out for rail fares. A choice that she doesn't currently face.

I am always trying to resist the siren call of the car, it is harder than some posts on this thread make it sound.

I'd give my right arm to be able to drive - it's actually damaging my career not being able to. Why a person would refuse is beyond me!

I've got a friend who was nagged relentlessly about needing to drive - she had small children and ageing parents in poor health. The parents living about 20 miles away, accessible by train but not as immediately accessible as they would be by car. Eventually, because she was given the cost of lessons as a present, my friend learned to drive. She hated every moment of it but, astonishingly, passed her test first time. Which was the last time she drove a car since the very experience of driving had assured her of her unsuitability to do it. I admire her decision too.

I'd suggest that the OP has a couple of lessons rather than rule out the idea of driving but don't actually think anyone's future will be blighted for the lack of a parent to drive them around. In fact, I think it is a deal healthier for everyone to have a slower lifestyle that doesn't involve a ludicrous appointments diary from babyhood onwards! It is certainly a deal healthier to ask whether every journey is actually necessary!

I have had 1000's of pounds worth of lessons, but just can't pass my test. I have a huge panic attack as soon as they ask me my name, and then fail the test spectacularly. I am pg with dc3 at the moment and am having a break from attempting to pass my test. It has been a huge relief to stop trying for a while.

I would like to pass to be able to help dh out with the driving, and get to see some of my friends who live in inaccessible villages. But I have to admit, I am shit at driving, I hate it and it makes me very nervous, so the thought of driving with 3 children in the car is not a prospect I look forward to.

In the meantime, I am going to look at the positives of my non-driving life. We walk everywhere, the walk up to school is lovely, and really good for our dds and me to be out in all weathers and getting exercise.

There are such things as taxi's - and to be honest if you need to use a taxi twice a week to get a girl from netball practice and share your tunr at picking her mate up - well it wouldn't be the end of the world would it to pay for a taxi?

Look it costs £25 per week to keep my car on the road and with a bit of petrol in it - whats the difference between that and a few taxi trips and a few bus trips and a few bike and walking trips...

Oh and this "If I can learn anyone can." is something that I have heard countless times, and is just not true - sorry.

I totally understand the OP. I can drive, I have a license. I got rid of my car though and don't want a new one.

I like not driving, I like the freedom. Funny isn't it, some people equate driving with freedom, I can't. Driving is hassle to me.

There are times I like it, on a nice sunny day, driving down almost empty roads with the radio on and the windows open. I love it. But this is no way the norm.

Normally it's sitting in traffic, avoiding idiots on the road, waiting at traffic lights that appear to be conspiring against me, paying for petrol, paying for insurance, paying for repairs, paying for parking, finding parking, giving lifts, having people talk about how relaxing driving is while they doze in the passenger seat ... etc etc.

Sometimes I think a car would be convenient, but weighing it up I'm so glad to be free of it.

I can't afford a car, though I would like one.
I don't need one though, I manage just fine on foot/bus/train/taxi.

I'm a 30 second walk from the bus stop, 10 minutes to town and from there half hourly service to Glashow which is door to door an hour away.
I can go to Edinburgh for the day, and am in fact going to Annan for the day soon, and all without a car.

I'd love the freedom a car gives, but they certainly aren't essential, and even less so with internet deliveries.