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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to distance myself from my two best mates

91 replies

mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 14:28

We all went to dublin last weekend where they both told me they were in relationships..great i thought, they could both do with a bit of male attention.

They then proceeded to tell me that that they were both the other woman, and one of my mates has split up a marriage, the other is having an affair with a man who has a dp and a little girl.

I honestly didn't know where to put myself! I have a dp and a lovely little boy and asked them how they felt if some woman did to me what they are doing to some other poor soul. they both came up with totally useless excuses for example, yeh but you keep your man happy, its true love with you two, he chased me etc etc.

ambu to distance myself from them? I honestly dont think i can see past what they are doing at the moment, and i doubt i will be able to bite my tongue for much longer.

All i want to say to them is, you pair of utter twats, how could you both spilt up relationships knowing that man has a wife or partner and a child for ffs, you both need to find your own men!

OP posts:
Flyonthewindscreen · 25/03/2010 14:30

YANBU, keep your distance. Why would you be wanting to hear about how happy they are with somebody else's DH/DP...

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 14:34

its the way they both thought it was perfectly acceptable, they constanly text and phoned these men while we were away and complained that they werent getting replys, it was on the tip of my tongue to say maybe he's shagging his DH/DP!!!

OP posts:
AbsOfCroissant · 25/03/2010 14:37

That's appalling and shows a severe lack of empathy.

However, from their responses it sounds like they know what they're doing is wrong, but are justifying it to themselves. ("he chased me", "you're different, you love each other" etc etc.)

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 14:45

i've been swithering between two thoughts, what are pair of arses they both are i cant believe they could do that to someone, i hope these men do the same thing to them etc. and yes but they are your friend, theyv'e been there for you through thick and thin and have helped you when youv'e really needed it. i dont know what to do, they have both been phoning and texting me since i got home, i've got texts saying, "is everything ok, you were very quiet on our little adventure" and "why did you back up the road early, have i done something to upset you"

I haven't replyed to any texts because i dont know what to say without pure venom coming out of my mouth!

OP posts:
Mouseface · 25/03/2010 14:48

Ouch, steer clear if this upsets you. It does me BTW as I have been on the receiving end of a cheating, oxygen wasting pig.

They know they are doing wrong and it will blow up in their faces. These men will never leave the security of their marraiges for them but maybe that's what these "friends" of yours want????? Don't get involved any further.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/03/2010 14:48

Well. I think you might be being a bit simplistic in your thoughts re affairs (you seem to think that your friends are 'stealing' these men, but you can't steal people), but in general I think that you should tell them you're not OK with it and that you would prefer it if they didn't mention it to you as you find it upsetting. They can do what they want but it doesn't mean you have to listen to it or that everyone has to be OK with it.

AMumInScotland · 25/03/2010 14:56

I think you have to reply and tell them just why this is a big deal. They do seem to be convincing themselves that they aren't in the wrong, that somehow this is "different", when you know fine well that it isn't. They have proved they are the kind of people who could do something this nasty to someone like you. Of course you are now re-evaluating your views of them and your friendship, as they are not the people you thought they were if they can do such a thing to someone like you.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 14:58

ok so my text goes like this;
to be honest no i'm not OK, i didn't expect you two to tell me you were both having affairs and it really bothered me. i would rather you didn't tell me anything about your relationship with this guy cause i cant see past the fact that you are having an affair. i love you to bits but it makes me uncomfortable hearing about your conquests with a married man.

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/03/2010 14:58

That text is fair enough.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 14:59

ok send

OP posts:
Mouseface · 25/03/2010 15:01

If they are true friends, they'll understand that text. Fingers crossed.

thatsnotmymonkey · 25/03/2010 15:05

I had a friend who did this, and it ruined our friendship. I felt really awful about what was happening but ultimately it spoke volumes about the kind of person she was. There were lots of specific details about the affair and the effect it was having on the wife-she tried to commit suicide because when she discovered the affair, the child started to bed wet... I just couldn't shake the opinion that she was not a "good" person to be still involved with this man when all this shit was going on.

Your text is fair. Have you had a reply?

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 15:08

just got a text back " its not that when i have to listen to you going on about dp, its not as if you even know his wife, shes a cow, he's told me he wants to be with me, why cant you be happy for me, i love you to bits 2, but sometimes you can be really hurtful.

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/03/2010 15:10

Hmm... I hoped they would be a bit more mature about it. 'His wife's a cow' - yeah, yeah, heard it a million times. She sounds very self-absorbed, and expects a positive response whatever she does. I have no strong feelings about affairs tbh, but I think if discussing the details with your friend upsets the friend, then you shouldn't talk about it.

TrillianAstra · 25/03/2010 15:13

Very self-absorbed. If "he" wants to be with your friend then he should leave his wife. What he really wants is to carry on with both.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 15:13

sent the same text to both of them the other friend has just text me back too " fair enough dont expect me to come up and see you this weekend then cause i was going to introduce you to him, he was going to drive me up i'll see you when i see you

oh my god i think not replying was better than this! sitting in tears now!

OP posts:
Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 15:16

the last text was from my sons godmother ,he loves her

OP posts:
Mouseface · 25/03/2010 15:17

Keep calm babe - this is just a heat of the moment reaction from them. Leave it a day or two or longer. You did nothing wrong and besides, would you want to meet one of these men? Could you keep your opinions to yourself?

BTR - bang on re the wife being a cow thing, he wants to be with me - yeah, for a sh*g and a bit of fun.

thatsnotmymonkey · 25/03/2010 15:18

I am so sorry that they have replied in this way!

Just let the dust settle a bit and clam yourself. They have reacted badly cos you have hit a nerve with them. It is a very emotive subject. Call them next, don't text.

Cup of tea in hand and a choc biscuit please for you.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 15:21

no your right i couldn't i think i would end up saying something like hows your wife!?!, i didn't even know she was planning on a visit this weekend, although she is really bad for surprise visits.

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/03/2010 15:26

Don't worry, I'm sure they will calm down (and of course it will likely go tits up and then they will want to cry on your shoulder). It is unrealistic of them to expect you to be totally OK with the situation.

AbsOfCroissant · 25/03/2010 15:37

They're being very unreasonable. Your text was very well worded, and if they had any sense they would understand where you're coming from.

kildare34 · 25/03/2010 15:41

YANBU - Your friend who replied saying she was going to visit you and introduce her "boyfriend" to you is living in cloud cuckoo land. Do you know how long the affairs have been going on?

You have nothing to apologise for, they will calm down/kop on to themselves. You have made your feelings clear and they are feeling guilty because they were looking for your approval.

fartmeistergeneral · 25/03/2010 15:41

They are probably so pissed off cos deep down they know you are right!!

Pootles2010 · 25/03/2010 15:42

Putting the whole issue of their wives/children to one side, you can't really as a good friend let them go steaming into a relationship that you know is going to hurt them.

I would imagine they've reacted badly because they knew full well they're in the wrong - like others said, give them a while to simmer down - would imagine these 'relationships' will run their course soon enough and your friends will see these men for what they are.