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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to distance myself from my two best mates

91 replies

mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 14:28

We all went to dublin last weekend where they both told me they were in relationships..great i thought, they could both do with a bit of male attention.

They then proceeded to tell me that that they were both the other woman, and one of my mates has split up a marriage, the other is having an affair with a man who has a dp and a little girl.

I honestly didn't know where to put myself! I have a dp and a lovely little boy and asked them how they felt if some woman did to me what they are doing to some other poor soul. they both came up with totally useless excuses for example, yeh but you keep your man happy, its true love with you two, he chased me etc etc.

ambu to distance myself from them? I honestly dont think i can see past what they are doing at the moment, and i doubt i will be able to bite my tongue for much longer.

All i want to say to them is, you pair of utter twats, how could you both spilt up relationships knowing that man has a wife or partner and a child for ffs, you both need to find your own men!

OP posts:

kildare34 · 25/03/2010 15:42

Sorry meant YABU !

StuffedFullOfNothing · 25/03/2010 15:43

I would be utterly horrified if it were my friends and would see them completely differently.

'his wife's a cow' oh for fuck's sake.

They need to grow up.

Maybe you need a break from them for a while.

kildare34 · 25/03/2010 15:44

Oh bloody hell - getting mixed up with appreviations - You are perfectly right to feel the way you feel

Bumnoise · 25/03/2010 15:45

Yanbu at all and if they can't see that thenmaybe they aren't the friends you thought they were. Very sad all round kind of in the same situation myself right now but no easy way out as both parties are friends of mine

wubblybubbly · 25/03/2010 15:48

YANBU and I think you're being the best friend you can by being honest with them. We all know it'll end in tears, most likely for everyone involved.

If these men are so into your friends, as they seem to believe, then they'd leave their wives and be with them, instead of all this carrying on behind their wives' backs. Awful situation OP, sorry

BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/03/2010 15:51

OP, you say one of them 'has split up a marriage' - so has he left his wife then? Because I guess it's not really an affair if he has.

mrsboogie · 25/03/2010 15:53

you did the right thing. What's the point in being a hypocrite and smiling and nodding while they went on about their pathetic second fiddle relationships with some lying tosser?

At least you have some integrity.

They are both currently neck deep in self- delusion and are busy trying to persuade themselves that these mens' wives and children are no more than a temporary obstacle in the way of their deserved happiness. It makes things a bit uncomfortable if people like you will insist upon going around pointing ut the actual reality of the situation!

Leave them to it. At least now you won't have to endure endless conversations about haw awful the "cow" of a wife is or how it unfair it is for them to be alone at Christmas and Birthdays and weekends...

chitchat07 · 25/03/2010 15:55

But they are still your friends, aren't they? They haven't done anything to hurt you personally? Ok, you've now seen their unattractive side, but one of two things will (likely) happen to them. Either they are right, and these guys will leave their wives (unlikely, but it has happened) or they will be dumped by these guys because they don't want to lose their wives. Can you honestly say you don't want to be there for them in either case? I doubt they planned this, not many women do this deliberately (some do, and quite frankly I wouldn't give them the time of day but I doubt your two friends are in this category).

You can not like this part of them, but still like them overall as people. Just don't ever pretend to them that you're ok with what they are doing, but be clear that you still love them and are there for them.

mathanxiety · 25/03/2010 16:00

Not only are they prepared to ignore the facts about their bfs and try not to think about the effect of their fun on the wives and DCs, they are also prepared to throw their relationship with you under the bus when 'something better' comes along for them in their lives. At the very least, they have taken you for granted in a very big way. These women are not great friends.

fartmeistergeneral · 25/03/2010 16:02

If I'm being honest (and thinking about my two best friends here), if I was in your position, I'd make it perfectly clear that I thought what they were doing was awful and give my reasons (my husband had an affair and I used to think how could that woman get involved, knowing he had a wife and 2 young kids??) - HOWEVER, I do think they would remain my friends. This is obviously going to be an unpopular opinion!!! I would not be able to talk about it with them, but I would still see them same as always and be there to help them pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong (which it inevitably will).

BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/03/2010 16:02

I could overlook the affairs - tbh if I broke off contact with everyone I know who has had an affair, I would have no friends or work colleagues. But they are being really harsh to you when all you have done is express an opinion (shared by many) that what they are doing is not nice. I would be more bothered by the way they are treating you than their affairs.

fartmeistergeneral · 25/03/2010 16:05

Yes, but those texts were oozing with guilt! They were sent in anger - we are all guilty of that at some point! Let everything calm down and see what the situation is.

Amandoh · 25/03/2010 16:11

You're not being unreasonable in wanting to keep your distance from them as your views on their relationships are very different to theirs. Better to stay quiet than possibly spoil your friendships.

Your friends have no loyalty to their new DPs wives/girlfriends and as single women can date who they like. A shame they've both ended up with a pair of losers though.

Try not to be judgemental as they'll need a sympathetic ear when the new DPs treat them the way their track record predicts.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/03/2010 16:17

Your text to them was perfectly reasonable. You are entitled to your feelings and to ask them politely not to discuss their affairs with you (even though it's perfectly possible that the men they are seeing are married to vile women who deserve to be cheated on, remember that you don't know the people concerned.)
They were silly to make such a big deal of their new relationships in front of you in the first place, though - had they really no idea that you are uncomfortable with relationships that breach monogamy? Most people, particularly women, have some idea of where their close friends draw the line on relationship issues.
They will probably get over themselves fairly soon, please don't upset yourself any more. You haven;t done anything wrong.

Lulumaam · 25/03/2010 16:19

of course the married men love them and want to be with them and the wife is a cow..
they've both fallen for the oldest line in the book..

I suppose the question is also, will you be there to pick up the pieces when it goes tits up?

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 16:21

BrahmsThirdRacke yeh one of my friends said her man heas left his wife although she thinks he is still sleeping with her, she lives in scotland, this man lives and works in wales so does the wife, so he could just tell her yeh i've left my wife, how would she know, unless she makes a huge journey to find out, his wages are going into her bank account and she has his car so i think thats all the reassurance she needs. I didn't really ask many questions as the less i knew the better IYSWIM.

I love these girls, 1 of them has known me since i was born, her mum and my mum are best friends, and the other 1 i've known for bout 7 years..i dont make friends easily like others, i dont really know why either.

I dont think i could just cut them out of my life, they are like my family, they would need to cut me out of their lives, whichj i really hope they wont do.

I know making my feelings clear was the right thing to do, but i have an waful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 16:24

yes i know my last post completly contradicts the thread heading, but i'm allowed, i'm upset and have just eated a whole packet of jaffa cakes and 3 packets of skips!!

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 25/03/2010 16:25

SGB I would argue that no-one deserves to be cheated on. If someone is vile then they deserve to be split up with (from?) but if you have agreed on fidelity then that's how you should behave.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 16:27

I think the way i'm going to handle this is when if does go tits up (which it probably will) i think i will say i made my feelings clear at the beginning and i still feel the same. Hopefully you have learned a lesson from this..

OP posts:

ifancyashandy · 25/03/2010 16:28

Ok - prepares for flaming - I don't think the second text you got back was too unreasonable. You said you were uncomfortable with something your friend is doing. She said, fair enough, won't put you through meeting him, see you whenever. Please don't take this the wrong way, but just as much as you are completely allowed to express your feelings / thoughts, so is she and you have to accept that too.

No, it's really not ideal to be seeing someone when they are married but this isn't about you and your feelings on the subject - it's about them. Let them worry about the consequences and guilt. These blokes (as said up there can't be stolen and are just as culpable in this.

You were right to say 'Please don't tell me about your relationship with this guy' (if that's how you feel. Personally, I wouldn't be so bothered. And no, I'm not and have never been the OW)but you have to accept that your feelings are not going to stop them seeing these guys.

jellybeans · 25/03/2010 16:36

YANBU, they are selfish twunts. Still, usually they get hurt too or dumped, no sympathy for them either.

ifancyashandy · 25/03/2010 16:41

Blimey Jellybeans, I hope to god you stay in love with your DP/DH for the rest of your life and cupid never hits you and someone else's fella with his arrow. Not saying you have to act on it, but can't always help who you fall for. There for the grace of god and all that....

jellybeans · 25/03/2010 16:59

I would never go there where little kids are involved (like you said you don't have to act), not unless the relationship is over first and he's then single. I have friends who have and it really colours my view of them, especially if they don't feel any guilt.. which seems quite a few don't, many also continue to be bitter/obsessed with the ex (if the guy left to be with them). If it was a one night stand and they felt terrible maybe it wouldn't be so bad...

SolidGoldBrass · 25/03/2010 17:07

Trillian: Thing is, when someone is in a really horrible relationship they often become too ground down to leave until they meet someone new who reminds them that the abuse they are getting at home is not normal and they don't have to live like that any more. Of course, some people have affairs because they are selfish and thoughtless, but many do so as an escape route from an awful situation. Whether this is the case for the people described here, I have no idea of course. But it's a myth that people who get cheated on are always saints who didn't deserve it, some of them will have done.

ifancyashandy · 25/03/2010 17:11

Horses for causes obviously but I realy wouldn't care if one of my single friends did it. If she did it to me, I'd want to knock her feckin' block off (but that's because I would expect our friendship to mean something) but if she did it to someone I didn't know, well then I'd just be there for her (or him, if it was one of my male mates). I don't mean 'don't care' in a 'go for it mate, all's fair in love and war' way but it wouldn't cloud my opinion of them. Especially if it was a one night stand. I'd be more annoyed with the married in that situation. Not judging your opinion, just different.

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