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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to distance myself from my two best mates

91 replies

mummysgoingmad · 25/03/2010 14:28

We all went to dublin last weekend where they both told me they were in relationships..great i thought, they could both do with a bit of male attention.

They then proceeded to tell me that that they were both the other woman, and one of my mates has split up a marriage, the other is having an affair with a man who has a dp and a little girl.

I honestly didn't know where to put myself! I have a dp and a lovely little boy and asked them how they felt if some woman did to me what they are doing to some other poor soul. they both came up with totally useless excuses for example, yeh but you keep your man happy, its true love with you two, he chased me etc etc.

ambu to distance myself from them? I honestly dont think i can see past what they are doing at the moment, and i doubt i will be able to bite my tongue for much longer.

All i want to say to them is, you pair of utter twats, how could you both spilt up relationships knowing that man has a wife or partner and a child for ffs, you both need to find your own men!

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/03/2010 01:56

Do you know Brahms, I don't know a single woman who is stupid enough to think that there are "evil harpies bewitching helpless men out there". I think this makes women sound very stupid and naive - and is demeaning. All the women I know think that blame is not exclusive and that an OW shares the blame with the betraying spouse. The notion that an OW is blameless is almost as ridiculous as the spouse being blameless.

The basic rule of thumb in our interactions with fellow human beings should be that we don't do to others what we wouldn't like done to us.

Condensedmilkaddict · 27/03/2010 02:07

Exactly WWIFN.

I know that I could never be happy knowing that my actions were causing another woman - and children - pain.
I would like to hope that other women would feel the same way. Unfortunately they don't...

OP you did the right thing.

porcamiseria · 27/03/2010 09:12

I get it makes you uncomfortable. but they are your FRIENDS and lets face it both have seen the pain that infidelity brings. let us remember that its the MEN that are the cheats here, not them!

dont get me wrong I'd find it hard to swallow too, and would be inclined to ask them just to keep their mouth shuts as the topic makes me uncomfortable

but is this the only thing thats pissing you off? If god forbid I had an affair and my mate disowned me I'd really question the loyalty of that mate, for sure

BrahmsThirdRacket · 27/03/2010 16:39

WWIFN - well the OP said 'All i want to say to them is, you pair of utter twats, how could you both spilt up relationships knowing that man has a wife or partner and a child for ffs, you both need to find your own men!'

As though the men had no part in it at all. It's not possible to split up a perfectly happy relationship. But I get her point and think generally she is NBU

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 29/03/2010 21:37

i know it will probably all end in tears (theirs not the wives) the thing that really wound me up was when one of my friends said " he snuck out at 1 in the morning to come to mine he txt me the next day to say that i had knackered him out so much that he had slept in for DD nursary class hahahahaha!!! oh and thats funny is it!?!

OP posts:

groundhogs · 30/03/2010 01:21

omg! He snuck out at 1am tee hee?

I actually feel sick. I'd be utterly speechless (rare!) and just walk away from them.

Oh ha ha ha!? That's just disgusting!

WingedVictory · 02/04/2010 12:17

It is sounding more and more as though you have nothing to feel guilty about, in calling your friends on this, mummysgoingmad....

Very sad your friends can't see it, too!

jennymac · 02/04/2010 12:38

I've been through a similar situation recently. My bf told me last year that she was having an affair last year and I took it quite badly. Looking back now, I think I almost took it personally as the man she was seeing had a wife and 2 children the same as me, so I really identified with the wife. Anyway, I told her how I felt about it, and she said that she respected my views and we agreed not to discuss the affair as I definitely didn't want to hear the gory details. She broke it off not long after that, and I'm glad to say that our friendship is as strong. I think that you have to accept that not everyone will agree with you, or have the same moral views on things, but you can still be friends and support people.

LoveBeingAMummy · 02/04/2010 12:50

My best friend had an affair with a married man. She had kept it from me for a year. She's not the sort of person you would expect to do this. I found it very hurtful for a number of reasons. But i have always felt that someone can;t be taken away they ahve to want to go. I have always made it very clear to dh that if he found someone else all he had to do was tell me. They know what they are doing is wrong they are just displacing the angry at you for saying it! You do need to step away for a little while, there is nothing wrong in saying to a friend I don't like something that you are doing, you'd expect them to do the same to you. It does change how you see someone, especially if you would neve have thought they could do something like this. I also think its different when you have a dh and children as you put yourself in their place. It was actually the first thing I thought of when i woke for a while after my bf told me.

LoveBeingAMummy · 02/04/2010 12:52

jenny have just seen your post

BessieBoots · 02/04/2010 12:56

I think you've done the right thing. I had a friend who was having an affair with a married man with 2 DCs. I told her I didn't like it, but she came up with the same excuses as your friends did. We remained friends until I saw her in a beer garden with the married man- and his 3-yr-old son. They were snogging, cuddling etc.

I distanced myself then- we are still in touch via facebook, but she isn't really a friend. Married man dumped her ages ago and is still with his wife.

megapixels · 02/04/2010 13:30

YANBU. They sound disgusting (both the OWs and men even more), I would put as much distance as possible. I don't like cheaters and I don't like those who cause others pain and misery, simple as. I don't buy the "life isn't all black and white" cop-out.

boiledeggandsoldiers · 02/04/2010 13:48

OP, YANBU. You have been more than fair to your friends by being honest with them. I think they are being quite insensitive by not trying to see it from your point of view. I could never do this to another woman either, however horrible her husband said she was, and particularly if children were involved. I agree that letting the dust settle for a few days is a good idea.

The trouble with being the OW is that you become wrapped up in the deception and it becomes a normal part of your world. How else could women can find a lying, cheating man attractive, particularly once the first flush of romance/lust is behind them? You lose perspective when you are head over heels in love with a married man and can really resent friends pointing out the reality of the situation.

amber1979 · 02/04/2010 15:48

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

They are your friends, not the wives of their "boyfriends". They are both probably going to end up deeply unhappy. We all mess up and do studpid things occasionaly - it's your real friends who are there for you even when you've been an idiot.

WingedVictory · 03/04/2010 17:51

mummysgoingmad isn't saying she wants to dump these friends, just "distance herself". And if she doens't want to hear all the details about their affairs, that is distance. It doesn't mean that, when the affair(s) is (are) over, she couldn't support them.

However, I am using the conditional, as I imagine it would be hard on the friends to eat the humble pie first (well, they may well feel they would have to!), before asking for mgm's support again...

Joolyjoolyjoo · 03/04/2010 18:16

OP, YANBU.

Firstly, I would find it hard to maintain a friendship with someone who cared so ittle about who got hurt by her actions- especially wrt to the "slept in for dd's nursery remark"- yuk!

And it's NOT because I think about it from the wife's POV. One of my best friends had a (brief) affair with a married man when we were both young, free and single, and I was opposed to it then, both from a moral viewpoint AND from the POV of a friend

Which brings me to the second reason I couldn't "be happy" for such a friend. How could I be happy knowing that my friend was in a relationship with a liar and a cheat? Why would that make me happy? I told my friend this, but agreed I would be there when it all fell apart. It did, of course, fall apart, and really messed my friend up in the process- she did feel guilty about their relationship, and then took ages to get over him when he decided the fun had gone out of it for him

Are people really happy to see their friends used and abused by guys like this? Even if he does leave his wife, there will be so much backlash and baggage for your friend to cope with- would you not be happier to see her happy without all the angst and drama? I would!

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