My SIL has a filthy house and her children are always smelly

[OprahWinfrey]

Yes, I know I might get slaughtered on here. But here I go anyway.

SIL's children are always wearing dirty clothes and smell of stale food. Her house is absolutely filthy and smells. She is very overweight and her daughter is suffering from obesity now. (11) I feel quite sorry for my brother as he likes bringing them round to visit us. On saturday I took my niece and nephew (11,12) out and SIL sent them round with clothes that stank. I knew why people moved away from them while we were out. I found out that the kids hadn't had a wash for weeks (they said!!)

The kids love it round mine and have planned to come and stay during the easter hols. I am embarrassed to take them out as their appearance is appalling. Manners are non-existent. They swear at each other and are extremely disrespectful in public. One of them smelt of pee (I am not making this up!) Can I say something, nicely, to SIL.......... or AIBU?

What are they cooking and eating? Very pungent food can permeate fabrics and make smells.

If they are drying clothes in the kitchen where cooking is going on they are much more likely to be smelly. Perhaps lend them a clothes horse (on a long-lend) so they can dry away from the kitchen?

Things like garlic will still be seeping out of the pores the day after eating. But if the children aren't washing that will make it all 10x worse.

I used to do a bit of tutoring at uni and I would go to lots of different houses. There was one house where the smell of cooking lingered with air-freshener and deodorant. It used to catch in the back of the throat and when I left my clothes would reek too.

Good morning - thanks to everyone. You've given some really good advice. When they come and stay, I was thinking of making sure they shower every morning. (As I like to every morning) and they might get into a new habit? I'll also try and wash their clothes properly in that Vanish Oxy (or BURN! them by accident) and buy them some new stuff.

How would I know SIL's depressed unless she says? My sisters and mum all talk to her as well and she is always so full of life. We wish she would tell us what the problem is. My mum goes round like a nosey biddy and just starts tidying and hoovering. Which I'm sure doesn't go down too well.

I think her main problem is that she sits and watches A LOT of soaps. Everything going. My brother has complained about this jokingly when they've been round. I've been round there once and seen she's glued to the soap, one after another. And her children say that she eats in secret in the bedroom. They find empty mcdonald wrappers upstairs. She gets neighbours and friends to bring her food sometimes if she can't get out. My brother looks depressed. But she never talks about this to us though, so not sure how to butt in. But you have all given wonderful advice. A lot to think about. I like advice about taking this up with the kids, to make sure they are taking care of themselves at least.

I have to say that (takes deep breath) I think skihorse's suggestion is the best one.

People have tried hinting and directing and offering presents and so on, and SIL refuses, happily oblivious.

A more direct approach is needed.

Is her sense of smell OK? Not being funny but my mum had a cold a few years ago and she can't smell anything any more.

She is obviously cleaning clothes and drying them if they were drying around teh house. Maybe her sense of smell is up the spout? Is her washing machine old and ineffective?

I'd say eating junk in secret is a pretty clear that something is going wrong.

x-posts.

eating in secret is not good.

Does your brother not live in the house? Are the children not his too? Is he an able bodied adult of sound mind? Why don't you speak to him?
Rant over....I'll go and read the thread.

Thinking about this, what your SIL really needs is a job. She sounds as though she's become detached from everyday reality. Jobs are very grounding, and would require her to interact outside her family circle so that she understands what normal functioning is (ie clean, washed, on time etc).

Just a couple of days a week might help reground her, and help her to build up some self-confidence.

Please intervene.

My mother's mother died when my mother was a young child. Looking back now, I missed out on things/didn't learn things because my mother didn't learn them from her mother.

I am forever grateful to my aunt who gave me deodorant and other smellies as a Christmas present, when my mum hadn't thought of it.

the soaps are not the problem, they're only one of the ways the problem manifests itself.

Don't expect her to come and say she's depressed. Maybe she doesn't know. And it's not something easy to talk about.

How about an honest conversation about how she likes her life, maybe she feels she has taken the wrong corner and there's no way back, therefore has given up on it

I think skihorse's is the best approach, with a bit of tweaking.

If you only approach it with the kids, and not the parents, you then set up an unbearable tension for the children. However kindly and tactfully you do it, it would confirm what they probably already know- that their home is unhealthy, their parents have let things slip, and that other people are noticing. They will of course love their parents and this sets up an unbearable tension for them whereby they consider themselves representatives of the family, and will want to show a good face to the world in order to protect their parents. I speak from very bitter and sad experience here. Only talking to the kids or surreptitiously cleaning them up (they will know full well what's going on) carries the risk of the kids thinking it is THEIR problem. "Our parents think we should be like this. Our Auntie thinks we should be like this. I don't know what I should be like." That's a tall order for a growing mind.

Sorry, was going to add the tweaks to skihorse's approach.

Get the parents alone. Address your comments to your brother, with your SIL present. It is vitally important to see this as a whole family problem. Whoever actually does the chores and childcare, their welfare is an equal responsibility.

Pick just one thing to say, and say it simply, accurately and without judgement. Don't be drawn into giving examples or "and another thing"-ing. Sorry to be twee, but you must be absolutely brim full of love and kindness for this to work. Say something like, "I have noticed that the children smell of wee." Then let them react to just that. Be prepared to get a strong response. It's important not to add anything else, or get heated.

This kind of neglect runs very deep, but it can be turned around.

Oh FFS!

I have a clean tidy house but endure a constant struggle to keep my three DCs clean and looking presentable.

DS1 will not clean his teeth unless reminded/forced. Sometimes they are as yellow as a guinea pig's. He is starting to need deoderant, which I havebought for him yet he will never use it.

DD does not brush her hair properly and flies into a rage if I suggest this is the case. She also does not wipe her bottom properly and I have to tell her that she smells and needs to wash herself.

They also have appalling taste in clothes - putting perfectly good things together in odd ways so that they don't match.

They also have an annoying habit of suddenly having a growth spurt so that every pair of trousers is too short and they look awful.

Add to this the white school polo shirts with pasta sauce on them (why don't they make laundry marker pens with Dolmio bolognaise sauce in them? They'd never have an dissatisfied customer), the school sweatshirts that cost an arm and a leg and shrink and fade into a ghostly remnant of themselves within two weeks. And the expensive Clarks shoes that get draaaaaaaaged along the ground and end up with no leather on the toes.

Sometimes we are half-way to school and I look at them and groan.

I think trying to get my DCs looking halfway presentable takes more time that supervising their homework or cooking my meals. They resist me at every turn.

And now, reading this, I know that all the other Mums are hoiking their bosoms Les Dawson style and pursing their lips at my scruffy DCs. I only suspected before...

@ BallonSlayer. I have a dd who leaves the house looking reasonable, bar the scuffed boots (that are only a few months old, but look older than her).

Somehow, somewhere between the cloakroom and the assembly hall, her bobbles dissapear, leaving her hair a tangled mess, her cardigan dissapears, making her look inapporopriately dressed for the weather and her tights develop sagging knees or even worse holes

I can't even describe what she looks like by the end of the school day.

Glad it's not just me Shiny.

I do have an obsession with making sure my DCs' ears are clean however. This is because I have worked with children in the past and glanced into the ears accidentally, only to see great nauseating mounds of yellow wax that made me want to heave.

balloonslayer there is a difference between normal toddler/child messiness (mine always look scruffy) and what the OP describes

ie filthy smelly house, childen not bathed for weeks, hair never clean, clothes stinking, children smelling of urine.

I mean DD smells a bit weeish sometimes, she is 2 and still likes to go in her knickers and i don't/am not always able to shower her immediately. But that;s OK.

11 & 12 year olds regularly smelling of urine is not right.

A normal scruffy kid who's just rolled in some mud is different from one whose parents don't attempt to clean them or provide them with clean clothes.

I think you need to get to the bottom of this.Imo sounds like your sil is perhaps suffering a bit with depression.Why not have a coffee with her,see if you can try and reach out to her in some way, by way of fiendly chat, more than just seeing things on the face of it iyswim.

If she came over from India, she is probably quite isolated, and the soaps indicate a desire to escape mentally from it all, plus the junk food problem -- very likely she is depressed to some degree. And did you mention cholesterol and blood pressure problems too? I agree there's more than just the surface level smell and dirt going on here. Could she get home help in? Some company and support might be what she needs, especially if your BIL can't be there to take up the slack if he works a lot.

Oh balloonslayer you've made my day.

I agree with the posters who have suggested that she may be depressed. Is there any way you could talk to her, and see if this might be the case, see how she's coping? If you are close to her you may be able to offer to come around and help with the cleaning/sorting things out (it might be that she feels so overwhelmed she doesn't know where to start) and let her know that you're there for her and her family.

What I might also suggest is for your niece, maybe when she's staying with you, do "girly" treats with her, like doing manicures and plaiting each other's hair, maybe face masks (very gentle or natural ones). Dress it up as grown up girly "grooming" to make her feel a bit glamourous.

Agree with croissant. Don't know how to help the boy but the girl is easy. Buy her stuff, use it with her, show her that washing and grooming are fun.

My neice has a bath every time she comes to my house - she loves using all my smellies, and then letting me dry her hair. Then she wafts about the place thinking she's just like Cheryl Cole or whoever.

Every birthday and christmas give them both smellies and nice clothes, or some packs of undies so they always have lots.

My sister is grateful for all the stuff I get my neice, she wouldn't think it judgy at all.

I think that making any help for the children dependent on forcing their mum to 'confess' to suffering any kind of mental health issue will only result in nobody getting the help they need.
It would make me feel very defensive, much more so than being offered specific support to deal with a single issue. I might accept that I need a little help with the cleaning, but not be prepared to go down the whole route of admitting that I'm not coping at all.

Concentrate on fixing the immediate problem re: children's hygiene and work on their mum's problems in the longer term.

If the SIL is unable to clean the house at the moment or tell the children to have a bath, I really think it is up to the father to do it. There are lots of single parents who work full time and then come home and sort their kids out too. I still think the OP should get the father to sort it out for the sake of the kids.