My SIL has a filthy house and her children are always smelly

[OprahWinfrey]

Yes, I know I might get slaughtered on here. But here I go anyway.

SIL's children are always wearing dirty clothes and smell of stale food. Her house is absolutely filthy and smells. She is very overweight and her daughter is suffering from obesity now. (11) I feel quite sorry for my brother as he likes bringing them round to visit us. On saturday I took my niece and nephew (11,12) out and SIL sent them round with clothes that stank. I knew why people moved away from them while we were out. I found out that the kids hadn't had a wash for weeks (they said!!)

The kids love it round mine and have planned to come and stay during the easter hols. I am embarrassed to take them out as their appearance is appalling. Manners are non-existent. They swear at each other and are extremely disrespectful in public. One of them smelt of pee (I am not making this up!) Can I say something, nicely, to SIL.......... or AIBU?

Tell your brother and SIL together plainly. No hinting because that leaves too much potential for them to think you're just being nasty.

You need to spell it out very, very clearly. And be prepared for them never to speak to you again. People don't take this kind of thing well.

However, I think it's worth it if the children's lives improve. I have a dear friend who had an utterly miserable upbringing. Never had her own bed, one pair of knickers to last the week. One set of school uniform. No toiletries of any kind. She used to rinse out her clothes in the sink with soap each evening as best she could. She knew she smelt and it's left lasting damage. I wish someone had stepped in and made her life different.

You see, I wouldn't do that. I used to wash my own uniform... and scrub my socks with a nail brush to keep them white because I only had a three pack of long ones every september and a three pack of short ones in the spring.
Teach the children. They will thank and respect you for it in the long run. The parents might learn by example...it's the wrong way round I know, but if the parents are loving but don't see a problem....

Because you don't want to be in the position where they don't speak to you again. You clearly love them and their children.

If I mention the smell, would they just get paranoid and think I've had them round a few times and am sick of them or something? Don't they notice it themselves????

Yes, this is my Brother's fault also, i mentioned my SIL because my brother was at work when SIL got them ready last time.

Yes, it might be an idea to bring this up with the kids. When they come round for the easter hols. Or just take them for a shopping trip and give them a makeover? I think SIL (or my brother) whoever does the washing, should learn how to separate the light colours from the dark colours!!!!!! and not dry the clothes in the kitchen where the cooking is being done! My lil sis went round recently and found clothes all over every heater and just everywhere. She offered to buy them a tumble dryer! I've offered to take SIL to Ikea for some good storage solutions. But SIL is sort of very happy as she is...and refuses these gifts!

I used to make sure I washed my favourite very white school shirts by hand when I was in school. Just never thought the washing machine could get that level of whiteness.

I don't want to be the meanie either. Have thought of not mentioning it and NOT taking the kids anywhere. Open fields maybe, where the smell can circulate. I do feel sorry for the niece though as she is going to go through puberty soon, obese and smelly. What that can do to a child!

I'm torn.

I think you should mention it. But not in a 'you smell and it's horrid' way.
Perhaps say something along the lines of 'when i was growing up, my aunt/gran/mum taught me how to look after myself and now I'm going to teach you. It's important now you are at secondary school because you are nearly teenagers and it is important to make the best of yourselves'.

Then give them some toiletries you've bought (needn't be expensive) and explain how they should be used.

Then show them the washing machine and how easy it is to wash their school uniforms. They can leave the ironing ATM, as other children will not creases so much.

Once they've cracked it, give them lots of complements, how smart/pretty they look, how they are going to impress people, how clever they are for being able to do it themselves.

But make sure you tell SIL/brother what you plan to do so they don't feel undermined.

BTW, I don't think people notice their own smells that they live with all the time - so they may really be oblivious.

Go to the house, send the children upstairs (another room) for 2 minutes.

Say to your brother and SIL "The children smell, it's affecting their social well-being and the house is a tip. Is there something going on that you want to talk about? We need to get the children clean again."

Why pussyfoot around? Isn't it more "mean" to knowingly allow the children to be bullied than to get to the bottom of this right here and now?

I really don't think this encouraging them to like perfume is particularly good - it's akin to anonymously leaving a tin of deodorant on the "smelly woman's" desk at work - brilliantly passive-aggressive but mean and failing to address the underlying issue.

? You're hardly the only person to have suggested it! I just think that perhaps there's a deeper problem and I personally (others will disagree of course) hate a passive-aggressive way of dealing with what is a serious problem!

OP, does your brother work? Does your SIL work?

What I'm getting to is if he works full time and she's a SAHM, therefore is expected to do more around the house than him and she simply doesn't, have you thought that she mey be depressed?

Depression is evil and creeps up on people when they least expect it, you may think she's the happiest person you know. Is there anything you can do to actually help with the ROOT of the problem rather than the symptoms?

Is she a loving mum otherwise? Because if she is, then she doesn't MEAN to neglect her children's hygiene, she simply can't help it. Look for signs, like does she often try to leave the kids with other people so she can sit on front of tv and eat? Does the family live on take aways?

If she suffers with depression but is a good mum (or wishes she was) then she's alread guilt ridden and pointing out the problem wouldn't help.

Do look for signs and come back if you're concerned about her mental health. Maybe we can help.

Could you start by speaking to your brother about the state of his children and home?

It is beyond me how anyone can live like this, it is not hard to keep a house clean and wash your clothes and bath your kids, millions of people di it everyday.

My sister was the same. When we visited I always offered to make the tea so I wash the cups thoroughly before using them.

I wasn't married then and every school holidays I would have her 3 children for a week.

I'd take them out, buy them new clothes, have their hair cut and by the time they went home they looked like every other child.

They are all grown up now and are all lovely ppeople with good families and homes and careers.

Turned out that my sister had been suffering from depression for years and this is how it manifested itself.

It is a very sad situation and I don't think people deliberately set out to be like this.

You sound as though you care about the children and it is right, at 11 and 12 the children should know how to look after themselves.

Your poor brother probably doesn't know what to do about the problem so closes his mind to it.

Depression and lack of motivation go hand in hand so maybe you could suggest to your brother that the whole family have a mental health check.

it is hard if you are depressed, unwell physically .. if you are depressed, the thoguht of washing yourself, nver mind children, a house and clothes is far too much to bear

it might be sheer laziness, or it mght be a sign of being totally overwhelmed by life and being mentally unwell

You mentioned that your sil is Asian. I've found in asian families everyone gets involved with each other, and giving opinions isn't a problem. I would gently say something, because if she's like my relatives, she won't mind.

I think you should talk to your brother and sister in law together. I couldn't turn a blind eye to children living in filth, they are a target for bullies. If they have been living this way for a while they probably won't have a clue how to turn things around so be prepared for lots of hard work yourself.

I can remember a poor girl at school who was filthy dirty and her flat was like something off "How clean is your house?" She was bullied from a very young age, I was the only one who would play with her because I was encouraged to by my mum. By the time we got to senior school I couldn't even stand to be near her because the stench was too powerful. The outcome for this girl wasn't great. Act now whilst the children still have a chance.

When my niece as 11 she quite frankly smelt sometimes because she hated washing. Her father didn't notice or thought the usual one bath a week was enough for a child who had started puberty (it wasn't).

As her mother had died when my niece was 6 years old, her other Aunt (my sister) and I regularly told her to wash and that she smelt other wise. Eventually it sank in, though I think attending secondary school and having other girls and boys around meant peer pressure set in which helped a lot.

My nephew went through the same thing at that age. His lasted until he was about 14 years old! - the constant nagging to wash himself. By that time his sister (who was by now washing regularly) did most of the nagging!

The point is they need to wash themselves and you need to speak to your brother about making sure they have clean clothes available or that they are able to wash them themselves if their mother won't do it.

When they sty with you, show them how to wash their clothes in your washing machine and insist on clean clothes and that they wash. Don't be shy of explaining why they need to keep clean. If they are with you, your washing rules apply. I'm sure they will oblige if they like staying with you

Does your brother look after himself properly? Or does he have a soap-phobia too?

Why don't you offer to take them swimming? At least that way they get to have a good shower after

If the SIL's all came over from India

Is there not a cultural difference which might mean that women are held (more or less solely) accountably for family food/hygiene

And which might be why the OP thought that her SIL was more responsible/accountable for the children than her own brother

'My lil sis went round recently and found clothes all over every heater and just everywhere. '

That's how we dry clothes in the winter. Tumble dryer s are expensive to run.

Perhaps she has no space for a dryer? I only have space because my very clever, very lovely father plumbed in extra drainage for my washer in the small passage between the bathroom and kitchen and wired in some extra plugs. My dryer is on brackets above the washer.

There is no way I could have fit both a washer and a dryer into my kitchen. I'd have struggled to find space just for the washer actually.

Im confused as to why and 11 and 12 yo aren't capable of washing themselves/their clothes?

And why is SIL the bad guy. Your brother lives there too no? Unless he works away all most of the time, surely he has time to suggest that children wash themselves and do a few loads of washing. And why he has not suggested his wife get help? She is clearly depressed/struggling to keep up with housework/both.

You need to intervene now. Either she's a lazy, dirty biatch or she may have something that stops her having any pride in her home or children.

I'd take the children home and bath them and wash their clothes and suggest to her that while you're doing that she tackles the house.

There really is no excuse in these days of washing machines and vacuum cleaners to live in a pigsty.

Your brother needs a serious talking to also as SS will get involved if the school reports that they are smelly.

Good for you for tackling it, it's child neglect whichever way you look at it.