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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL has a filthy house and her children are always smelly

127 replies

OprahWinfrey · 23/03/2010 23:18

Yes, I know I might get slaughtered on here. But here I go anyway.

SIL's children are always wearing dirty clothes and smell of stale food. Her house is absolutely filthy and smells. She is very overweight and her daughter is suffering from obesity now. (11) I feel quite sorry for my brother as he likes bringing them round to visit us. On saturday I took my niece and nephew (11,12) out and SIL sent them round with clothes that stank. I knew why people moved away from them while we were out. I found out that the kids hadn't had a wash for weeks (they said!!)

The kids love it round mine and have planned to come and stay during the easter hols. I am embarrassed to take them out as their appearance is appalling. Manners are non-existent. They swear at each other and are extremely disrespectful in public. One of them smelt of pee (I am not making this up!) Can I say something, nicely, to SIL.......... or AIBU?

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 24/03/2010 00:00

But there are families as she describes

I know one of them

They stink, their house smells, their clothes smell, they never have brushed washed hair. The eldest is 13 and is destined for social suicide.
I could go on.

LauraIngallsWilder · 24/03/2010 00:03

A rocking horse?

Eek the family of which I speak have one too..........

RonaldMcDonald · 24/03/2010 00:03

I'm not saying that this is an impossible to imagine situation Laura but I am saying that if it were true she should address the situation with her brother rather than coming on here trying to get a mob to agree with her that her fat(must be evil) sil is all to blame

wastwinsetandpearls · 24/03/2010 00:04

Can i just make clear I do not smell.

hmc · 24/03/2010 00:04

www.mumsnet.com/info/trolls

i.e. don't speculate and accuse

LauraIngallsWilder · 24/03/2010 00:07

Well I guess that makes you a member of the mob Ronald

If you suspect a troll report the op to MNTowers and post a message on MN hinting at your suspicions

troll hunting is unnecessary and nasty

wastwinsetandpearls · 24/03/2010 00:07

I don't doubt she is genuine, my ex SIL couldn't stand me either! My ex SIL didn't like her other SIL either so it is very possible that the OP has 2 SILs which she loathes in equal quantities.

ToccataAndFudge · 24/03/2010 00:10

well my house is filthy, I stink (probably), my children don't quite stink but will do if I don't find the motivation to bath them in the next night or so, they'll probably be wearing teh same uniform for 3 or 4 days this week, I NEVER brush their hair, only thing that doesn't apply here is I@m not fat

RonaldMcDonald · 24/03/2010 00:13

I think you misunderstand me Laura

I agreed that your situation would be difficult to deal with as you have no tie that allows you to help the family or to speak up

I think that posts like Oprah's are just as harmful to women as any posting suggesting a suspicion of a story being made up

The entire post imo is nasty and grotesque. I feel entitled to throw light on why I feel that way.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 24/03/2010 00:18

It must be quite hard work having three really difficult SILs - one who has an eight month old daughter whom she neglects, one who has an eight year old daughter, left her husband (your husband's brother, right?), and rings your husband for money, and now one who is married to your brother, and who has 11 and 12 year olds who don't wash.

shockers · 24/03/2010 00:23

" My SIL's children"

You mean your Brother's children as well don't you?

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 24/03/2010 00:27

I am not making this up! wish I was.

I had thought of taking this up with my brother, but I just thought that SIL and I talk on the phone more and we get on very well. she's really lovely. My brother drops by sometimes, and it's never the right time. Plus, I thought SIL might think I'm bitching about her to my brother if I mention it to him and not to her. I've advised him in the past that he needs to be more hands on dad. He works 2 jobs and does all the errands, and she's at home so I get his point sort of very quickly. But still i don't have a problem saying it to him. I thought I could just bring it up in conversation about how I change my clothes if I have cooked in case of stale odours..... iykwim.

And no, MacdonaldI don't have a cleaning obsession. My house can be quite untidy, but not rank! There is a difference. Bins that aren't taken out and children smelling of pee and stale odours are not on. I don't have a hatred for my SIL either, that's why I feel like I want to 'help' her. the rest of my family (and even hers!) barely see her. All complaining for the same thing. And she has been diagnosed with blood pressure and high cholestoral recently. (She's 31) I've asked her if I can come round and help her or take the kids off her hands.... which is how last saturdays situation occured!

Are they working class? Aren't we all?

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 24/03/2010 00:30

Well I understand that she should be doing more of the household chores generally, but this is about his children's welfare. Who has more free time doesn't come into it, frankly.

Why can't he teach the kids to shower more often? They're adolescents, they can shower themselves..

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 24/03/2010 00:32

plus, I am not a troll. Why would you assume I was for having asked a genuine question? my niece and nephews smelt pretty foul and they always do. Can I do something about this? Why are you all taking this personally. I don't smell of Chanel everytime I go out, but my child does not look neglected either. but her child has been told by the doctor is obese and she has said she suffers from bullying. Now , I could take this up with my brother or my SIL, I have a good relationship with both of them despite this. What i do, depends on some good opinions of some MNETTERS! I genuinely need some advice. My sis said to give them a bath, but I think SIL will really get offended with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 24/03/2010 00:36

Yes, my brother's children as well - SHOCKERS. I speak to SIL all the time, so she stick out to be quite significant in my mind. She never complains to me that my brother doesn't help, or else I'd hound him to help her more. I've told him many times to help out (that's why he brings them round mine!) Yes, I do think he should help. But SIL is happy. If she complained about something or said that she is overwhelmed, then I'd understand. She is actually quite oblivious to it all.

OP posts:
shockers · 24/03/2010 00:37

Are you based somewhere where going out for longish walks and visits to the park would not be out of the ordinary?

What I mean is, you could invite all of them out instead of taking the children off her hands... and outside, folk are less likely to notice smells.

Your SIL sounds like she needs a boost herself. If she's overweight and lacks drive maybe getting out and about will perk her up.

When her kids visit you, show them how to wash.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 24/03/2010 00:38

I have a very large family! and don't namechange

OP posts:
piprabbit · 24/03/2010 00:39

Well, you've had some advice (if you look at the early part of the thread). There seems to be agreement that the children are old enough to learn how to clean themselves and probably old enough to learn to load a washing machine.

As you have such a great relationship with your SIL, why not say that you'd love to help tackle the bullying problem that your DN is suffering. Then suggest that some basic personal cleanliness might help. I wouldn't point the finger of blame at your SIL - you can say that lots of children start smelling funny when they hit puberty and they need to learn new ways of caring for themselves.

RonaldMcDonald · 24/03/2010 00:39

apologies Oprah, please forgive me

why did you not say this in your opening post???
perhaps a much more helpful set of replies would have been forthcoming?
Although probably still the "have a quiet, gentle word in the ear of your brother" advice you know you needed.

I still don't understand why you "feel quite sorry for your brother as he likes to bring your children around to your home"...or was that just stating or illustrating how much nicer and more suitable your home was in your opinion?

As a word of warning though, her weight and blood fats are her own business and perhaps you should steer well clear when you speak with him or her.

shockers · 24/03/2010 00:44

Sorry Oprah... we X posts there but I had realised that your intentions were not malicious toward your SIL.
There used to be a saying "It takes a village to raise a child". It's not so relevant these days but maybe we could learn something from it.
We all have something to bring to a child, and as their aunt, you could instill the importance of cleanliness.
I still have Which Hazel in my bathroom because my Grandma told me it was a good toner... after 30 years!

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 24/03/2010 00:44

most of my family are working class. I can understand why some of you might think that I have a problem with my SILs. ALL my SIL's came over from India, so I sometimes feel like they don't understand some general cultural differences. E.g. bathing and manners.

OP posts:
shockers · 24/03/2010 00:46

or even witch hazel

Sakura · 24/03/2010 00:48

Difficult one this. At first I agreed with Ronald, because some women do have a vested interest in hating the woman who is fucking their brother or (even worse) their son. In your OP you did portray your SIL as a she-devil without any redeeming features. And you placed the blame firmly at your SIL'S feet, as if you don't quite understand that your brother is also as much to blame

However, I do believe you about the kids smelling and therefore it probably is best that you intervene. You say you don't want her to think you've been gossiping to your brother and would rather go to her directly but by thinking like this you are assuming that she is the only one to blame. Your brother gets let off scott free.
You need to tell your brother "By the way, I noticed that your kids smelled of wee the toher day." A normal father would be mortified by this knowledge and would take steps to rectify it, either by talking to his wife/partner about it or by teaching the children basic hygeine. It also wouldn't do your brother any harm to find out where the washing machine lives. At some poing he also needs to have a thorough chat to his wife about this to find out whether she is depressed or whether she had a mother herself who didn't wash clothes ( and therefore doesn't realise what is required)and she doesn't need to know that this originally came from you.

Sakura · 24/03/2010 00:51

I apologize, (it took me a long time to write that post ) I realise that you said just now that she is lovely and you get along. I regret that my last post thought that you were attacking her.
I do think that you have to go via your brother (blood is thicker than water), but thats just a personal opinion. Others might feel its more appropriate to go to her directly.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 24/03/2010 00:51

Sorry about my OP. It was going to be too long so I took out the nice stuff about her. Re-wrote it lots of time. But she is really lovely.

OP posts:
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