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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend was rude for smoking drugs next to me

94 replies

bunnylicious · 22/03/2010 17:30

Brief context...

I met up with some old friends I've known since school (we left school about 15 years ago).

As teenagers I suppose we used to smoke dope a bit, me less than others, was never that keen on it but didn't have a problem if other people chose to do it.

We all met up in a pub, we've stayed in touch but are scattered around the country so I don't see them often.

We were sitting in the (heated)garden of the pub and one of them decided to roll and smoke a big fat spliff. The garden was full of people, bar staff in and out collecting glasses.

I asked my friend not to smoke it nex tto me, it made me really comfortable him doing it in public, plus he knows I work for the police now and I didn't exactly want to be involved if someone called the police (I'm not a police officer, by the way).

Anyway, he refused and sat there blatantly smoking it so I ended up moving inside to another part of the pub. One friend came in to keep me company and the rest just sat with him and acted as though I was over-reacting.

As I say, I don't much care if people smoke dope, but I just think he could have been more considerate.

AIBU?

(disclaimer - I had no idea he was likely to do that, having not seen him for years)

OP posts:

thehillsarealive · 23/03/2010 10:24

OP - YANBU, he sounds like a total bore who needs to grow up. It isnt big or clever.

If he wanted to smoke dope then he should have stayed home and done it there - in private.

ArcticFox · 23/03/2010 11:10

Agre with dollshouse. He sounds rude and immature. I was a tobacco smoker for some years and always asked if those with me minded if I smoked. If anyone did, or just I knew they hated smoking, I'd smoke somewhere else.

Legality issues aside, smoking anything is by it's nature intrusive to those around you and I think smokers need to be polite and considerate.

MiffyWhinge · 23/03/2010 11:22

I think you were rude, the legalities surrounding cannabis are confusing and silly and cannot imagine any court in the land holding you responsible for your friend's behaviour and choices - you say you were not under any obligation to enforce the law there and then? so do not see how it could have had negative repercussions for you

can't help thinking that homosexuality was illegal not so long ago, smoking a spliff in the open air probably on a par with a couple of men holding hands or having a little kiss - de Sade was illegal for about 40 years, would you have moved away in those days if your friend was openly reading something by him?

mayorquimby · 23/03/2010 11:25

Yabu there's no reason for him to move when you're the one who had a problem with it.

Firky · 23/03/2010 11:53

Thing is ,nothing complements a pint or a gin and tonic like a bloody great big spliff.

I think the more people smoke it the more normal it is and they kind of forget that "oohh no Im breaking the law "

helloooo · 23/03/2010 11:57

YANBU!!!

I used to work for the police and a very similar situation happened to one of my colleagues. He was out with one of his friends in a pub (pre-smoking ban) and the friend lit up a joint indoors.

A police officer who happened to be drinking there came over and arrested them both - saying that they were sharing it (although they weren't). They were both searched - his friend had quite a lot of dope on him and they were both taken to the police station.

My friend wasn't charged as there was no evidence of him having any drugs on him. BUT his manager at the police was notified and he was spoken to about his conduct. Even though he hadn't done anything!!!

So I think it's a horrible position to put a 'friend' in. And why?? Because you can't resist a joint for a couple of hours while you sit socialising in a pub.

If someone says to you, as a friend, that their behaviour is making you uncomfortable and nervous and you just ignore them and carry on doing whatever the f*ck you feel like then you are a bit of an arse IMO!!!

BuyOneGetOneFree · 23/03/2010 12:02

YADBU

He was smoking a spliff, outside, where people were drinking various different 'drugs' and you actually moved away from him?? That is rude IMHO. You wouldn't have moved if he had been drinking a coffee!

helloooo · 23/03/2010 12:14

Coffee is legal buyonegetonefree!!

Have you read the thread? THe issue is obviously regarding the legality of the friend doing what he was doing. Not the fact that it's a drug!

Durrr!!!!

SpicedGerkin · 23/03/2010 12:16

coffee isn't illegal

mayorquimby · 23/03/2010 12:20

"If someone says to you, as a friend, that their behaviour is making you uncomfortable and nervous and you just ignore them and carry on doing whatever the f*ck you feel like then you are a bit of an arse IMO!!!"

Not really, if i think the friend is being unreasonable and they're asking me to move based on something petty and irrational then the chances are I wouldn't. If I feel the issue is with them and they're over-reacting then why would I pander to them, they're quite free to move away as she did. How come her want for him to move trumps his for a spliff when no one else had a problem with it. And how come she is not rude for asking him to move away from the group yet he is when he never asked her to move yet she did and then becomes annoyed at him. Why is it good enough for him to move but not her when the issue is hers.

helloooo · 23/03/2010 12:28

He didn't 'have to move' though.

He just could have smoked his dope later. Sounds like he has a problem if you ask me.

thedollshouse · 23/03/2010 12:29

How is the OP being rude by moving away?

Regardless of the legality issue and the fact that she works in the police, her friend was smoking a joint, they stink, why would you want to sit next to someone who stinks?

Our pubs around here have a zero tolerance policy on drugs so if they had witnessed the friend smoking a spliff they would have immediately banned him and all those around him. In one pub even the mention of the word "spliff" is enough to have you thrown out.

mayorquimby · 23/03/2010 12:33

Not saying she is rude for moving away, saying she is rude for asking him to move and being annoyed when he didn't when she has demonstrated that she herself did not like the experience of moving away from the group. Should have worded it better sorry, it became a bit muddled.

"Regardless of the legality issue and the fact that she works in the police, her friend was smoking a joint, they stink, why would you want to sit next to someone who stinks?"

I wouldn't, but I'd acknowledge that as my problem and wouldn't ask someone to move because I found their smell offensive.

helloooo · 23/03/2010 12:34

"something petty and irrational"

therein lies the problem I think. Some people think it's petty and irrational and that smoking illegal drugs in public could never lead to any kind of trouble whatsoever.

Some of us know different.

Who are you to decide that it's petty and irrational though mayor? You sound very self important.

helloooo · 23/03/2010 12:35

SHe didn#'t ask him to move!! She asked him not to smoke it!!!

mayorquimby · 23/03/2010 12:45

Well I'm no one to decide it, my point was that she decided that she didn't want to sit beside someone smoking, he decided that this wasn't a reasonable reason for him not to smoke. The problem is hers in this situation as he's made his mind up he's going to smoke. when two people disagree on something then it comes down to who feels stronger about it, what each person feels is reasonable etc.
My point wasn't that her feelings are petty and irrational, my point was that it was suggested that just because a friend said they were uncomfortable or didn't want you to do something you shouldn't do it or else you're an arse and i disagreed with that because if you felt their request was unreasonable then you shouldn't just automatically pander to it.
I don't think either was unreasonable in the original situation, I only think that she has become unreasonable by being annoyed about it when it was her decision to remove herself from from the situation.

helloooo · 23/03/2010 12:49

I don't get the impression she's even annoyed about it - she's just asked if she was right in thinking her friend was being rude and if he could have been more inconsiderate - she just asked for other people's perspectives on it.

Don't remember her saying she was annoyed and asking if that was unreasonable so you have gone rather off-piste there mayor!

brightspark2 · 23/03/2010 12:51

Probably would have been arrested if they lit up inside! YANBU he was not just smoking, he was smoking illegal drugs. Proximity could have got all of them into trouble and his desire to commit a crime meant she could not socialise which was the whole point of getting together.

Pikelit · 23/03/2010 13:52

People openly smoking spliffs in the way that the OP described usually look like immature fuckwits. Actually, correct that. They always come across as immature fuckwits.

But I wouldn't have made a drama out of this situation. Instead, I'd have taken it as evidence that I now had little in common with a former friend. As is often the case when meeting former school friends.

I can see absolutely no reason why the police would bother arresting anyone who hadn't been smoking the dope. Enough paperwork would be generated by the buffoon who was.

lowenergylightbulb · 23/03/2010 14:17

Do you know what? If the OP had complained that a smoker in her group had lit up next to her and that she'd told him that the smell of fags had bothered her and he'd carried on she'd have had a plethora of YANBU's

But mention the word spliff and you get everyone trying to display their cool credentials.

As a smoker of fags if I'm out in a beer garden with a group I get up and go somewhere else to have a fag so as not to bother anyone. Your friend is an ill mannered oaf, as well as being a sad git who still smokes dope as an adult.

maristella · 23/03/2010 14:20

what helloooo said.
op if anyone had reported him, or an off duty officer had been there, you prob would not have been arrested, but there would be a big question mark over your professionalism.
the fact is the stiff often stinks, and that draws attention to the smoker and whoever is within the vicinity.
i don't work for the police, but need an enhanced crb for my job. my bosses expect me not to allow myself to be in the position you were in. if they were to hear that i had been sat outside a pub with someone chugging away on a spliff i would have some serious explaining to do, and my professionalism would be under question. not an option.

MadameDefarge · 23/03/2010 14:21

He was being incredibly inconsiderate to others. the poor publican might well have had his licence jeapordised if anyone had told the police, or indeed if any police were around. Part of a licensees duty under the terms of their licence is to promote the reduction of crime...kind of hard to do if people are blatently smoking weed in their garden.

Original poster

bunnylicious · 23/03/2010 17:48

Thanks everyone, some interesting viewpoints!!

Helloooo, the situation that happened with your friend was exactly what I was worried about.

We don't live in London, we are fairly rural here, smoking pot isn't the kind of thing people turn a blind eye to round here.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 23/03/2010 21:36

nighbynight · 23/03/2010 21:58

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