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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that mt stepson and his wife are stupid and ungrateful??

80 replies

fulltimeworkingmum · 19/03/2010 19:37

In a nutshell - My DH has 2 grown up children from his 1st marriage. Both are married with their own homes. (Mother is dead) The son and his wife were married just over a year ago and are about to have a baby at the end of the month. They do not have 2 pence to rub together and have spent a FORTUNE on brand new stuff for this baby in spite of the offers of assistance from DH and me, not to mention other family members. On top of this, they are now in debt and after borrowing substantial amounts of cash from the family. DH and I have 2 pre-schoolers and bought all our baby stuff brand new (no-one to give us hand-me-downs)which I have saved for new babies in the family. As a result, I have loads of fab baby and toddler gear as well as endless clothing which my stepson and wife are not remotely interested in - she has stated that she does not want ANY second hand stuff. This baby will not be any blood relation of mine but my husband (grandad) is quite upset. I feel very sad for DH but cannot help thinking that, after all the offers, we should just let them get on with it. The only thing is, I work full time and am not prepared to subsidise my stepson, his stupid little wife and her grand schemes for top of the range equipment on minimum wage either now in in the future. I would not mind one bit if they were REALLY struggling, but all this is down to their reckless overspending and her "I want it NOW" attitude. IABU?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 19/03/2010 19:42

Then don't subsidise them in future

feel a bit sorry for them tbh - some people with no money don't want second hand stuff (it reminds them how poor they are).

Tis much easier for poshos who happily dress their bairns in rags while driving around in a fancy car. They're being environmental innit

poshwellies · 19/03/2010 19:45

Just don't help out.

nancydrewrocks · 19/03/2010 19:45

How are you subsidising your stepson and his "stupid little wife"?

expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 19:46

Let them get on with it.

I'm poor and love to get all hand-me-downs. It means we have money to pay for electricity and food.

If they are on min wage and in receipt of working tax credits, she might be eligible for a Sure Start Grant.

peggotty · 19/03/2010 19:46

You sound like you've got an axe to grind with them generally TBH. Some people just don't want second-hand, especially for PFB's. You sound pretty unpleasant actually - 'stupid little wife' and 'baby will be no blood relation of mine'.

saslou · 19/03/2010 19:49

Have mixed feelings about this one. When I had my first dc I wanted everything new, and I think first time mums can feel it's important. That said, she would be getting baby things from her dh siblings, not a stranger, so think she is being daft to refuse them. If she is expecting you to help her financially then that is unfair.On balance I think YANBU. Just a thought though, would you feel the same way about this if it was your son and not your step son? That's prob the best way to work out if you are being U. I would just let them get on with it though now and not offer any more things

BrahmsThirdRacket · 19/03/2010 19:50

Sod them then.

I would be happy to accept second-hand stuff, even for a PFB. I really cannot see the point in getting in all new when they will not need it for very long. I think the want-it-now-and-want-it-like-in-the-magazines attitude is very common, and people are used to being able to manage it with credit cards etc.

Morloth · 19/03/2010 19:51

Gosh don't you sound like fun.

Nothing wrong with them not wanting your old stuff, sounds like a whole bunch of not your business/problem.

Why don't you tell them how you really feel about them so that they can stay away from you? Would make their lives a whole lot more pleasant I think.

jaquelinehyde · 19/03/2010 19:52

I actually think you are the one with the issue here, and your being really nasty about it.

OK so they want everything new, lots of people do. The majority of us will realise that this is silly and a waste of money. However, I am sure there are things we would waste money on that they wouldn't dream of.

They spend more than they can afford...so do I. Would you hate me as much as you do them?

If they ever ask you for help (I can't believe they would given your attitude towards them) just say no. It really is that easy.

Honestly I would rather deal with someone who made silly decisions like your stepson and stepdaughter in law, than with someone like you who is just plain nasty!

diddl · 19/03/2010 19:55

Perhaps they don´t like the stuff you are offering?

Are they young?

I´ve sometimes found younger people are more keen on having new & being seen to be able to afford stuff.

activate · 19/03/2010 19:58

they're excited about their first child and want nothing but the best

whether they can afford it or not

they really just want what they want and they're neither stupid or ungrateful - they're just normal I hink

rmember back to yuour first child and develop some empathy

thisisyesterday · 19/03/2010 20:03

oh fgs, why shouldn't they buy new stuff if they want to?

i wanted all new stuff for my PFB too! i wanted to go out and spend money on him and buy things that I liked and I had chosen

is that really so awful???

and yes, 5 yrs down the line, and on baby number 3 I am more than happy to have hand-me-downs because i've done the whole "new" thing and it is kind of pointless

but the fact is, it's their baby and just because they don't want your old stuff does not make them stupid!

Original poster

fulltimeworkingmum · 19/03/2010 20:08

When I talk about subsidising - I pay basic rate tax with my husband running his own business which does not pay him much at all. When my stepson rang with his latest financial woe, I'm afraid I laid down the law an asked my husband not to give them any financial assistance and he promised he would not. I have my own 2 children to think about.
SASLOU - you are totally right to question how I would feel if my stepson was my own son. Totally different, I'm sure. But my husband has stated that this girl is a problem and I have tried and failed to engage her on ANY level.
PEGOTTY - I have no axe to grind whatsoever. The new baby will be the niece/nephew of my own children and the grandchild of my DH. I am a loved and loving stepdaughter and stepsister myself. I just cannot stand by and watch DH being emotionally blackmailed.

OP posts:

emsyj · 19/03/2010 20:09

How they live and spend their money is none of your business. If they don't want hand me down baby things (and a lot of people don't) then again, none of your business. If you are subsidising them, then stop! You are surely in control of your own money?

I personally think hand me downs are great. DH and I have a good income and could afford to spend lots on our baby (due in June - first child, will undoubtedly be totally PFB) but I have bought washable nappies, washable wipes, new with tags clothes from ebay and have expressly told my mother not to DARE buy anything in Mamas & Papas unless it's on sale (did get some lovely things in there for less than half price, including moses basket) - but then I am very strange and hate paying more than I have to for anything . But that's ME and that's how WE feel as a couple. I wouldn't tolerate my mum or MIL telling me that we ought to buy only expensive, full-price brand new items for our baby, or suggesting that I am somehow a lesser person for being a bit frugal (well okay, very frugal then) so why should your stepdaughter be told that she should have hand me downs?

LisaD1 · 19/03/2010 20:10

When I had my first DD I did not accept ANYTHING second hand, even though financially it would have been great, she was my first child and I wanted everything new, even if that did mean that some days I only ate one meal!

Sounds like they are just excited about their first child and want new things, just like many other new parents. I can't see how you are subsidising them, (not from your post anyway) if anything they are declining your help,maybe they know how you feel about them!

When I had my 2nd DD I was a lot better off financially but still took most offers of 2nd hand things, maybe your stepson and his wife will be the same.

I think your attitude towards them sounds really mean.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 19/03/2010 20:10

Um, it really is ridiculous to spend money on stuff when you don't have the money and could get perfectly decent stuff for free.

emsyj · 19/03/2010 20:12

NB Your husband will WANT to help them financially surely, whether they 'need' it or not. My PILs have given us £500 for the pram and we don't NEED it, we can afford to buy our own pram - but they want to buy us the pram because this baby will be their grandchild. I'm not saying that it would be unreasonable for you to object to your DH funding their lifestyle on an ongoing basis, but I do think it's relatively normal for parents (if they can afford it) to want to make gifts to their grown-up children when they have a baby.

diddl · 19/03/2010 20:13

Well, if they´ve gone into debt I think that´s silly-but their problem.

Babies will probably puke/poo on it whatever you pay though.

Morloth · 19/03/2010 20:15

This is really very simple.

Your stepson and his wife's financial situation is none of your business. If they ask for money and your DH gives it to them and you disagree with that, you don't have a stepson problem you have a DH problem.

BetsyBoop · 19/03/2010 20:19

YABVU

If they don't want second hand stuff, that's their choice, as is going into debt to afford it - you too have a choice, as whether or not you want to help them out financially.

I offered our baby stuff (some of which had been second hand to us, but still in excellent nick) to two lots of friends - first ones offered didn't want it, wanted all new, second ones were very glad of it (even though they earn far more than first friends, and could easily afford new ). I didn't take offence at either choice, it's up to them, I was just glad to find a good "home" for it all.

(I should add that I didn't even know second lot were pregnant when offered to first lot, just in case anyone accuses me of thrusting my stuff on "poor" peopple )

DinahRod · 19/03/2010 20:24

Don't agree with the majority of posters on here. It's not at all reasonable to spend extravagantly beyond your means and then look to family to borrow "substantial amounts of cash" to get you out of debt - sounds like the family are enabling them to be feckless and it does them no favours to keep bailing them out.

Withdraw financial aid, pass on your baby stuff to someone who will truly appreciate it and offer instead practical help like a bit of ironing or freezer meals once the baby arrives so they stop seeing you and dh as a cash cow. 'Bout time they stood on their own two feet.

StrictlyKatty · 19/03/2010 20:30

I can't believe you called her 'his stupid little wife' OMG!

She wants new, I wanted new for my first but will use all DS's stuff for DC2.

twoistwiceasfun · 19/03/2010 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runnybottom · 19/03/2010 20:45

fine to want all new if you can afford it, not if you can't and try and get someone else to pay for it after the fact.
So don't give them any money. Simples.

ShadeofViolet · 21/03/2010 22:22

It sounds very much like this is only one prt of the problems between you. Are you upset that she doesnt want your stuff?

You sound very harsh TBH.

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