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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that mt stepson and his wife are stupid and ungrateful??

80 replies

fulltimeworkingmum · 19/03/2010 19:37

In a nutshell - My DH has 2 grown up children from his 1st marriage. Both are married with their own homes. (Mother is dead) The son and his wife were married just over a year ago and are about to have a baby at the end of the month. They do not have 2 pence to rub together and have spent a FORTUNE on brand new stuff for this baby in spite of the offers of assistance from DH and me, not to mention other family members. On top of this, they are now in debt and after borrowing substantial amounts of cash from the family. DH and I have 2 pre-schoolers and bought all our baby stuff brand new (no-one to give us hand-me-downs)which I have saved for new babies in the family. As a result, I have loads of fab baby and toddler gear as well as endless clothing which my stepson and wife are not remotely interested in - she has stated that she does not want ANY second hand stuff. This baby will not be any blood relation of mine but my husband (grandad) is quite upset. I feel very sad for DH but cannot help thinking that, after all the offers, we should just let them get on with it. The only thing is, I work full time and am not prepared to subsidise my stepson, his stupid little wife and her grand schemes for top of the range equipment on minimum wage either now in in the future. I would not mind one bit if they were REALLY struggling, but all this is down to their reckless overspending and her "I want it NOW" attitude. IABU?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/03/2010 22:27

if they don't like what you are offering that is their problem

if they get into debt that is their problem

and you sound like a right judgemental cow

Maggie00 · 21/03/2010 22:32

I don't' blame OP for being exasperated. But this is your husband's son, not his x! so you won't be giving them a lot of money will you? They are adults! how much money could they reasonably expect from your husband.

I am not precious about everything being new, but sometimes the stuff your offered isn't the stuff you need.

pinkfizzle · 21/03/2010 22:35

to the OP you lost me when you referred to your stepson having a stupid little wife - how mean - ouuuuuch - I would not take anything from you either....

any-- - as an aside do you ever consider changing your name to something more polite and bubbly?

AnyFucker · 21/03/2010 22:36

pinkfizzle....nah

AnyFucker · 21/03/2010 22:37

thanks for asking, though

ilovepiccolina · 21/03/2010 22:39

Let them make their own mistakes.

pinkfizzle · 21/03/2010 22:46

oh ok then so mumsnet are stucker with Any--
I just can't bring myself to say your online name ... I just can't.

Portofino · 21/03/2010 22:48

Actually I DO understand where you are coming from, but you haven't put it very well. Basically, any further support you offer should be of a hand me down and/or practical nature.

I had a pfb once. I was very happy with the loan of a baby bath/moses basket, knowing these things would not get used for long. Nor was I too proud to use the tiny babygros that my nephews had been through first. And I could afford to buy all these things myself.....

AnyFucker · 21/03/2010 22:49

come on pinkfizzle...you can do it

any fuuuuucker

'tis easy

pinkfizzle · 21/03/2010 22:57

any ffffffffffff

... nah, see, i just can't do it

chipmonkey · 21/03/2010 22:58

Oh, leave AF alone, we wouldn't recognise her if she changed it!

I would take the view that if she thinks she can afford everything new, then it logically follows that she doesn't need any financial help. They are adults so your dh shouldn't feel obliged to subside their recklessness!

I was the opposite of most people here. Before ds1 was born, I was quite prepared to accept second-hand but then when he was here, I was a bit that some of the stuff we had was tatty compared to what other new babies had so actually ended up buying a lot of new stuff for ds2 and ds3!

AnyFucker · 21/03/2010 22:59

pinkfizzle...have you never been fucked ?

BattyKoda · 21/03/2010 23:04

Op - you sound a twisted about this, or about her perhaps, calm down love, it's not your problem is it?

jasper · 21/03/2010 23:16

I agree - just can't understand why some people don't like second hand stuff. I love it. Each to their own I guess

Heracles · 21/03/2010 23:51

Still, you've browbeaten your husband into not supporting his own son so you've won, right? Well done you.

ilovepiccolina · 22/03/2010 10:26

Heracles has a point. You say they are 'no blood relation' - but they are. You have entered into a mystical union with DH, you are now related to him(yes, I know not really by blood) but anyway, that's how families are formed. This couple are your family, this will be your dch.

By taking such a stand, you are forcing your DH to side with you or with them. Is that wise? Won't he resent your attitude? As the dgd, he is likely to want to help them. This girl was not brought up to save for things she wants - people get bombarded with 'you're worth it' stuff, cheap loans etc., and she doesn't see why she shouldn't have new.

I hope that she will learn, (better late than never) that she has paid out for stuff she didn't have to, and put herself & the family under an unnecessary financial strain. Not sure if DH will ask them to repay the loans... anyway. I would raise the issue with him.

In the meantime, work on your relationship with your stepchildren. You will look like a sour old bat if you're not thrilled with a new dgch.

Greensleeves · 22/03/2010 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

swanandduck · 22/03/2010 10:38

YANBU. Yes, we'd all like to be able to afford new stuff all the time. But if you can't afford it, it is really irresponsible to just go and buy it anyway and then borrow right, left and centre from family members, whose offers of baby stuff have been rejected. Saying 'well, it's a pfb' isn't really an excuse.

OrmRenewed · 22/03/2010 10:43

Just don't support them then. They don't want the support you are offering so don't offer anything else. But surely grandad will want to support them if he can won't he?

Why is she a 'stupid little wife'

swanandduck · 22/03/2010 10:46

Is that not the point though? Grandad is feeling under pressure to help them out, at the expense of his wife and two younger children, while his grown up son and wife spend money they haven't got on stuff that's available to them from family members. That's wrong, imho.

OTTMummA · 22/03/2010 10:47

ummm, maybe they find talking about their money problems theraputic and don't expect anything from your DH at all?
although i would like to think that if your DH had a little money spare he could give them some mothercare vouchers etc.

I accepted handmedowns for my my first DS but really only used about 10% of them as i wouldn't of picked any of the other stuff myself from a shop.
Plus the relatives who gave me the handmedowns also got me vouchers/money to get stuff me and DH wanted for our DC.

you sound bitter and jealous of a new baby coming into the family. its not a nice colour for anyone espcially an old witch btw.

Northernlurker · 22/03/2010 10:49

Op - Not everybody is as sensible and all round wonderful as you. Try to conceal your contempt for your daughter in law - your husband and family will thank you for it.

tethersend · 22/03/2010 10:49

Perhaps you could change your name to Anycunt, Anyfucker, so as to avoid offending people offended by the word 'fucker'?

QuintessentialShadows · 22/03/2010 10:50

I sort of see where you are coming from regards to them not accepting your handmedowns.

But I really think you are being very inconsiderate and shortsighted to lay down the law to your husband regards to helping his own son and grandchild out.

Are you for some reason jealous with them?
That is how it comes across. Mostly lack of generosity at heart and understanding, boils down to jealousy. Sorry.

skihorse · 22/03/2010 10:51

Please when I get a wicked stepmother can I get one like you who will give me a bloody ton of 2nd hand baby stuff?

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