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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that mt stepson and his wife are stupid and ungrateful??

80 replies

fulltimeworkingmum · 19/03/2010 19:37

In a nutshell - My DH has 2 grown up children from his 1st marriage. Both are married with their own homes. (Mother is dead) The son and his wife were married just over a year ago and are about to have a baby at the end of the month. They do not have 2 pence to rub together and have spent a FORTUNE on brand new stuff for this baby in spite of the offers of assistance from DH and me, not to mention other family members. On top of this, they are now in debt and after borrowing substantial amounts of cash from the family. DH and I have 2 pre-schoolers and bought all our baby stuff brand new (no-one to give us hand-me-downs)which I have saved for new babies in the family. As a result, I have loads of fab baby and toddler gear as well as endless clothing which my stepson and wife are not remotely interested in - she has stated that she does not want ANY second hand stuff. This baby will not be any blood relation of mine but my husband (grandad) is quite upset. I feel very sad for DH but cannot help thinking that, after all the offers, we should just let them get on with it. The only thing is, I work full time and am not prepared to subsidise my stepson, his stupid little wife and her grand schemes for top of the range equipment on minimum wage either now in in the future. I would not mind one bit if they were REALLY struggling, but all this is down to their reckless overspending and her "I want it NOW" attitude. IABU?

OP posts:

sb6699 · 22/03/2010 10:52

Sounds like there are others issues tbh.

If you act in RL the way you have come across in your op, then they probably dont want to accept anything from you.

You are putting your DH in a difficult situation, for his sake why not try to at least rub along with them rather than being judgmental.

I feel a bit sorry for them tbh, they obviously want the best for their baby and leaving themselves in a predicament to try and fund it.

Sensible? Maybe not, but I think most of us have been there.

Nellykats · 22/03/2010 11:13

What is the point of comments like "you're a bitch" to the OP? This is not a playground, we're bloody adults and should be able to avoid the name calling.

In my opinion fulltimeworkingmum, you're getting angry too early. Nothing wrong with wanting all new, even if they get in debt. It's their problem and they should deal with it, we all learn from our mistakes. It's true that if they take money from your husband that will affect you, but, like you said, you probably would react differently if it was your child.
You should certainly talk about it with your husband, and he should have a chat with his son himself to warn him, but if he still wants to help them in the future then don't make a fuss; it can hurt your relationship even more and create far greater strain than a financial one.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 11:18

tethers...do you think that would work ?

PorphyrophillicPixie · 22/03/2010 11:20

I think the OPs DIL is being stupi, she was offered perfectly good hand-me-downs, insisted on brand new and is now borrowing money from people to fund that brand new stuff! Since when is it logical to do that?

I'm young but like to think I'm smart: I'd happily accept anything second hand as would my OH, in fact he is under the impression that we'd be getting car seats and full cots with mattresses second hand too! I've had to deter him from that idea and educate him on safety, he's still not convinced

OP, your post was nasty but tbh, if you've had problems with her and the attitude in the past I'm not surprised if you're frustrated and peeved with it.

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 22/03/2010 11:24

Leave them get on with it, just when they turn round and ask for help make sure you make your DH keep his wallet firmly shut.

We were not penniless when either of our DSs were born and they had new stuff but they also had stuff kindly given to us by family and friends.

She will learn fast

mariedj · 22/03/2010 11:26

You sound lovely. You don't have to "subsidise"
them but your husband will naturally want to help his son.

tethersend · 22/03/2010 11:27

I can't see a problem, Anyfucker.

swanandduck · 22/03/2010 11:37

I agree with Nellykats. Some horrible comments have been made to the OP. If you don't agree with her, is it not possible to say this politely?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/03/2010 12:05

I think you need to have a chat with your DH about a gift for the baby as I'm sure he'd like to buy something or donate towards a larger item. However, YANBU to not want to loan them any money or give more than you both want/can afford. It doesn't appear that they're asking you directly for money, so just don't give it (or only give what you would anyway).

You do sound a bit harsh in your OP but I do see where you're coming from.

rasputin · 22/03/2010 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 22/03/2010 12:19

I'm a bit at the number of people who've asked why the DSDIL (?) shouldn't have new stuff for her PFB.
I can understand her wanting it, but the bottom line is, by the sounds of it, SHE CAN'T AFFORD IT, so therefore, in a sensible prudent world, she ought not to have it.
Unfashionable viewpoint, I know, but there you go!

And I think the OP might have had more people agreeing with her if she hadn't referred to her DSDIL in such unsympathetic terms. Even if the basic premise is true.

swanandduck · 22/03/2010 12:28

I too am amazed that so many people think it's okay to go out and buy stuff you can't afford, and put yourself in debt, just because you want new stuff. Particularly when there's people queueing up to give you second hand things in good condition. Could you imagine our parents thinking like this? People would have thought they were mad.

2blessed2bstressed · 22/03/2010 12:32

Therein lies the issue - the OP may well have had a valid point, but due to the less than kind way she has chosen to refer to this young couple means that she has alienated some of us who might have supported her view. Perhaps inviting them round and offering to help them work out a budget might benefit them all?
When my DH and I were first married we had no clue how to manage our finances but were lucky that our parents offered practical advice and support - although no loans - and did not judge us as "stupid little people"!

skihorse · 22/03/2010 12:33

I would love new stuff for my baby (wouldn't we all?) - back in the real world I've got a Quinny travel system for 125 euros from ebay. I feel really bloody lucky and wish I knew people who would give me hand-me-downs.

I agree whole-heartedly with clam. I could go along to the baby shop and order everything I wanted until my heart's content - get it on HP or whack it on a credit card but quite frankly - and here's my unfashionable pov - I'd rather spend 800 euros on a "sporting experience" for my child than a bloody brand new cot!

Angelcat666 · 22/03/2010 12:35

Agree with Any Fucker, especially the last bit.

Btw I have to admit to being a bit when I first read your name but now it's grown on me

boiledeggandsoldiers · 22/03/2010 12:43

fulltimeworkingmum. Your stepson and his wife are being irresponsible if they buy all their baby things new, if they cannot afford to. It isn't a right to have this stuff...........................

When the baby arrives, I think it is unlikely that your DH would let them suffer if say, their recklessness with finances made them homeless. It could cause lots of problems so I would suggest that you need to speak openly with DH when you are less angry.

boiledeggandsoldiers · 22/03/2010 12:47

true skihorse, the baby won't care whether (s)he is in new clothes or has a new cot, but they will care when they are older and are being denied trips or holidays because their parents got into debt to buy new baby things....

Squitten · 22/03/2010 13:12

I don't think it's any of your business how they choose to spend their money, no matter how much they have. If they don't want your old baby stuff, they don't have to take it.

Giving them money, however, is a joint decision between you and your DH. They may not be your blood relatives but your DH probably wants to help them and, why not? Yes, you don't want to be supporting them forever but if it's a one-off gift for the new baby, what's the problem?

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 13:19

< links arms with angel >

< skips along like a fluffy spring lamb >

tethersend · 22/03/2010 13:21

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 13:23

sorry, tethers

< drgas tethers into fluffy lamb-loving niceness >

swanandduck · 22/03/2010 13:25

Squitten

It is her business if they then go looking for loans or handouts and putting OP and her dh in an awkward position. I'm sure the OP doesn't like having to ask her husband to say 'no' to his son and is aware she is coming across like the wicked stepmother. She shouldn't be put in this position by two irresponsible people with a sense of entitlement.

tethersend · 22/03/2010 13:25

Thanks AnyFucker

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 13:36

I did see some real fluffy lambs this weekend...oh, yes indeedy

and they were sooooo cute and white and snuggly

SpiritualKnot · 22/03/2010 13:37

YANBU.

We had all second hand stuff and hand me downs for our first child and were grateful for it, we were both students.I remember the hospital not knowing what to do coz we didn't have a car seat and it was their policy to ensure the baby was strapped in securely.

But, oh the joy when the second one came 8 years later and we could afford to buy new. We did still have some second hand but by choice then and not necessity. Plus I was shocked at the price of brand new things for babies that may only use for for a matter of months. There's so many practically new things at less than a quarter of the new price.

I would try and stress the fact that most of what they want is just needed for a few months, so why not put any money aside for when they're a bit older? Kids are expensive and they should be learning to think ahead a bit.

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