to think that mt stepson and his wife are stupid and ungrateful??

[fulltimeworkingmum]

In a nutshell - My DH has 2 grown up children from his 1st marriage. Both are married with their own homes. (Mother is dead) The son and his wife were married just over a year ago and are about to have a baby at the end of the month. They do not have 2 pence to rub together and have spent a FORTUNE on brand new stuff for this baby in spite of the offers of assistance from DH and me, not to mention other family members. On top of this, they are now in debt and after borrowing substantial amounts of cash from the family. DH and I have 2 pre-schoolers and bought all our baby stuff brand new (no-one to give us hand-me-downs)which I have saved for new babies in the family. As a result, I have loads of fab baby and toddler gear as well as endless clothing which my stepson and wife are not remotely interested in - she has stated that she does not want ANY second hand stuff. This baby will not be any blood relation of mine but my husband (grandad) is quite upset. I feel very sad for DH but cannot help thinking that, after all the offers, we should just let them get on with it. The only thing is, I work full time and am not prepared to subsidise my stepson, his stupid little wife and her grand schemes for top of the range equipment on minimum wage either now in in the future. I would not mind one bit if they were REALLY struggling, but all this is down to their reckless overspending and her "I want it NOW" attitude. IABU?

YANBU for trying to help
Calling SDIL and SS stupid is a touch unreasonable.
Although we didn't go into debt over it, our son for a number of reasons may be our only child, and we wanted him to have lovely things that were all his very own. I don't think that is unreasonable of me, although friends of mine (who honestly seem keen just to have a clear out) keep pushing me to accept things I don't want.
Your ss probably saw that his siblings had brand new things and feels that's what he wants for his child.
Whilst I am not a fan of personal debt, I have to say people have got into debt over sillier things than providing a set up for their new born.

wow you sound like my stepmother. Just let them get on with their life and you get on with yours. If they cant afford to buy new they wont be able to buy it.

I have to wait a bit to respond as I was still a bit at the "not blood relatives" and the idea that this child is your DH's grandchild, but not yours. Isn't this your stepson and his wife?? If he is your stepson, he is part of your family, thus, so is his wife. My DH & I each have a child from previous marriage that are adults, and they each have a child, and they are OUR children and grandchildren. Not his, not mine, but OURS. To break the family up mentally in that way is divisive and IMO damaging to the family. We also have two small children (3yrs and 7mos boys) and we don't even use the term "step".. they are brothers and sisters, and they're all fine with that. You seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about his son. Do you have a strained relationship with his other child as well from the previous marriage?

While yes, it is probably annoying that they want all new, as well as the way they are funding it, they are adults and entitled to make their own mistakes. You and your DH are not required to bail them out financially of the debt they are incurring. If you both agree to a financial gift to them for the new baby, that's not unreasonable. You can always find out where they would like a gift card from, such as Mothercare or BabiesRUs/ToysRUs, and give them a set amount on a gift card. Then you have given them a gift for the baby and they can choose new items. Ideally, it would be nice for them to accept the stuff you're offering, you can't force them to. Hold on to it, because I imagine when they are ready to have baby #2, they will probably be much more amenable to hand-me-downs. It's also highly possible that after the first few months, when the newness of having that first baby tones down a bit, she may decide second-hand is not such a big deal after all. Another possibility is that she feels uncomfortable taking anything from you. I'd suggest you make an effort to have a decent relationship with your DSS and DIL, and maybe you'll get a little more insight into their decisions and a little more tolerance as well. I can't believe you are dissing her for buying all new when you did the exact same thing with yours, regardless of the reasons. I think you're being a bit of a hypocrite about it.

They are under no obligation to accept your stuff and you are under no obligation to give them financial aid. I actually don't see the problem, tbh. They don't want your stuff don't try to give it to them. They come to you for money - say no. Job done.

Speaking as a member of a family in which nobody is married to the person they started off with, I feel sorry for you.

In my family, there is no distinction between steps and bloods. We're family.

As for 'stupid little wife' that makes my skin crawl. You obviously don't like these people and so are trying to have a go at them despite it having heehaw to do with you what they spend their money on.

YABU, and unpleasant.