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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people shouldn't do this to childless people

37 replies

swanandduck · 18/03/2010 13:34

I have a sister who has been trying for ages to have children and has now accepted that it's not going to happen. However, she was telling me that she finds it incredibly hurtful when people gets very upset when she reads magazine interviews with celebs who've just had babies and who come out with remarks like 'I feel like my life was so pointless until I became a mother' or 'My career was so important to me before. Now I realise that something like that only matters before you have kids' or 'my life is complete now'. I had never really thought about it until she told me this, but now I'm really aware of it when reading magazines with the latest celebrity new mum. Should they be a bit more aware that people like my sis might be reading these interviews and made to feel like they're a second rate citizen, or is she being over sensitive?

OP posts:
deliakate · 18/03/2010 13:36

imo - she's being oversensitive. The world can't stop.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 18/03/2010 13:38

Totally agree with deliakate.

CantSupinate · 18/03/2010 13:40

I think she's taking it a bit too personally.

After all, that's only one reaction to having children other people are terribly overwhelmed or (much worse) abandon or abuse their kids. Not everybody finds it so fulfilling. Most of us are too knackered to think about it we don't have six nannies to help with the donkey work!

(Not that I'd tell your sister all that, must be horrid to hear about abusive parents when you can't even have a child of your own).

I wonder how a celeb copes if they do get horrible PND, it won't do their PR any good to say "This has been the most awful year of my life since precious FiFi was born" will it? -- so of course the mags only talk up the positives.

I think she needs to avoid those types of rags for a while, there's lots of media stories I have to avoid too for my own personal over-sensitivity reasons.

Rubyrubyruby · 18/03/2010 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whoamireally · 18/03/2010 13:44

Over sensitive I think. It must be incredibly hard and soul destroying if you want children and can't have them.

But you could apply your point to absolutely anything in life, for example, single people who can't find 'the one' who have to listen to loved up smug marrieds, anyone who wants to act as their 'dream job' and can't get their big break and then has to read an interview in the paper with the newest starlet on the block....ad infinitum.

I almost don't want to say that YABU because you obviously love your sister dearly to care about how what she might read in the press could affect her

But it's not reasonable to expect the people who have had luck in that one arena to not want to say how fulfilling and happy it's made them 'just in case' it happens to make someone somewhere a bit sad.

Original poster
swanandduck · 18/03/2010 13:47

Actually, I have said to her to not believe all she reads and that a lot of these celebrities probably feel like they've been run over by a train/are terrified they'll never get their figures back and their careers will suffer etc but they are trained to put on a big smile and pretend everything's great and 'hey, my career doesn't matter to me anymore'.

OP posts:
electrofagz · 18/03/2010 13:47

I'm sure that it hurts, but it is not going to stop just because of that? Maybe her wounds are still raw, but she is going to have to desensitise herself to it all. I am one of those people who feels the way you describe in the OP but tbh, I would only make such comments to mummy friends or older relatives

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2010 13:49

Now I dislike the 'my life was meaningless till I had DC' comments but for a different reason. I think it's a line that's pushed quite hard at women to remind them that they are really walking wombs and to stop them keep tiresomely pressing for things like equal pay and career success. Because, hey girls, your biological duty is to breed and until you've done that you're worthless. Etc.

maryz · 18/03/2010 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresmypaddle · 18/03/2010 13:55

I think its unrealistic to expect people in general not to make these types of comments. They just don't think of(and can't really be expected to understand)the pain it can cause someone who hears or reads them.

However, as I had several miscarriages before DS and thought I was facing a childless future I know exactly where your sister is coming from. Its difficult enough to not have children when you really wish you could- but when you read these things its like twisting the knife. I actually used to actively look for role models who had no children but had led happy lives, to try to convince myself that its not the end of the world.

Having had that experience I am very careful about making these types of comments as I am only too aware of how they can make people feel. However, as I said above I think its unrealistic for everyone to do the same.

TrillianAstra · 18/03/2010 13:56

Taking it faaar too personally.

I think it's often the case that once people have chosen a particular path, particularly one that once chosen is chosen for life, they have to convince themselves that it is the best, no the only choice they could possibly have made.

On a less emotional example, after universty people had to choose whether to stay in the same city, go to London, or go somewhere else (and yes it really did seem like the world was made of here, London, and elsewhere). Once someone had got a job sorted out (and not before they got the place) they immediately switched to saying 'oh I can't understand how you could possibly stay here, I absolutely must get out' or similar.

Whoamireally · 18/03/2010 13:57

OP I don't think it's just limited to slebs - if I'm honest, I feel happy and fulfilled after having 2 DC's, difference is no-one would ever bother interviewing me to ask me how having children has changed my life

OP again, do you have kids of your own? Because if you do surely you will understand that it does change your life and so if you're telling your sister to not believe what she reads (and it is possible to feel fulfilled and run over by a truck simultaneously) I don't see how that is helping her to come to terms with not being able to have a family.

Original poster
swanandduck · 18/03/2010 14:03

I'm trying to tell her to not believe it's all as perfect as she's reading and that having children doesn't just suddenly make your life perfect and all your other problems magically disappear. The last thing she needs is me saying 'well, yes, everything they're saying is true. Nothing else will ever make your life complete. Bad luck'.

OP posts:
oldraver · 18/03/2010 14:06

Is it any different to childless people who say your life 'is so over' when you have children ?

Whoamireally · 18/03/2010 14:14

Why would you want to say that nothing else will ever make her life complete ever again - that's not even what the slebs are saying.

My children do complete my life now, but in 20 years time I might be motivated by something else.

I can sit here and tell myself that my life will never be fulfilled unless I win the Lottery, and feel sick to the pit of my stomach every time I see a Lottery winner in the paper cracking open a bottle of champers and saying how happy they are, and I can even tell myself that they're lying and are really as miserable as sin but am I doing myself any favours.

redwhiteandblue · 18/03/2010 14:17

Everyone says that kind of bollocks when they've just had a baby, it's expected of them, like you have to say your wedding day was the happiest of your life, even if you had a screaming migraine, wanted to stab your mother and you caught your dh kissing one of the bridesmaids.

Anyway, it's easy to say a baby has fulfilled you when it's three weeks old. Wait until it's two, has pooed in its pants at your aunt's house and then lain on the floor screaming because a potato was touching a pea. And then insisted on listening to wheels on the bus on a loop all the way home. Then your opinion may be somewhat less enthusiastic

ClaireDeLoon · 18/03/2010 14:17

I do sympathise with her it is hard but I agree she is being oversensitive, they are just interviews in a magazine after all not
comments aimed at the childless. I'm childless myself so do sympathise like I say.

VinegarPatronSTofTits · 18/03/2010 14:21

yep she is over sensitive

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 18/03/2010 14:21

I can see her point, but definatly over sensitive. What are mums supposed to do, lie? If someone was telling her personally I would think "show abit of tact" but if that's how you feel about becoming a mother, then fine.

deliakate · 18/03/2010 14:45

Now I dislike the 'my life was meaningless till I had DC' comments but for a different reason. I think it's a line that's pushed quite hard at women to remind them that they are really walking wombs and to stop them keep tiresomely pressing for things like equal pay and career success...

maybe solidgold, or maybe its how some people actually feel

Original poster
swanandduck · 18/03/2010 14:49

WhoamIreally

I think there's a bit of a difference between someone who can't have a much longed for baby and someone who's love to win the lottery. Also, telling her life isn't perfect just because you have a baby is a way of reassuring her that everyone else isn't walking around with a wonderful life which is possibly how she's feeling at the moment.

OP posts:
Whoamireally · 18/03/2010 15:28

OP of course no-one's life is perfect.

But you are asking if magazine interviews of people who are at that point in time blissfully happy because they have been lucky enough to have a baby (and are maybe swimming with loved up hormones) are insensitive to those who are having a tough time. I say no - it's not personal.

I am also saying that this doesn't just apply to the childlessness issue, it applies to most things in life that we are unlikely to have through no fault of our own, but that knocking someone else's good fortune does not help you come to terms with your difficulty in achieving your dream.

Every one of us has things we'd like to achieve but can't, but that does not prevent us from being fulfilled in other ways. Personally I feel that is a more positive message than 'I bet they're not really that happy anyway, they're probably just making it all up'.

mrsbean78 · 18/03/2010 15:42

It is excessive.

I have a childless friend who is not in a relationship, has known fertility issues and is in her late 30's.

Since I had my boy three months ago, when we talk on the phone he is never mentioned (when she did recently, she called him 'it' as in 'oh, do you have to go, is it screaming?'). I have taken every care to avoid talking about him but it is unrealistic and it will prevent us sustaining our previously very good relationship.

To expect that there should never be a mention of some of the more positive aspects of motherhood in the media is understandable, but unrealistic.

darcymum · 18/03/2010 16:05

The thing about childlessness is that everyone else seems to have them, its not like winning the lottery, parents are everywhere, she can't avoid them. People are joyful at the birth of a child she can't expect them not to be.

I also have a problem with the 'my life was worthless before' brigade though. We are not worthless without children, women or men, and can have a fantastic life without them, having children does place limits.

BritFish · 18/03/2010 18:02

solidgoldbrass
i agree. mothers are people in their own right!

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