To think people shouldn't do this to childless people

[swanandduck]

I have a sister who has been trying for ages to have children and has now accepted that it's not going to happen. However, she was telling me that she finds it incredibly hurtful when people gets very upset when she reads magazine interviews with celebs who've just had babies and who come out with remarks like 'I feel like my life was so pointless until I became a mother' or 'My career was so important to me before. Now I realise that something like that only matters before you have kids' or 'my life is complete now'. I had never really thought about it until she told me this, but now I'm really aware of it when reading magazines with the latest celebrity new mum. Should they be a bit more aware that people like my sis might be reading these interviews and made to feel like they're a second rate citizen, or is she being over sensitive?

Perhaps when people say this kind of thing, they are convincing themselves more than anyone else. Having children, they have lost the freedom to do whatever they want and in many cases held back their career. Not to mention the loss of sleep, sex life, and your figure. So of course to make yourself feel better you big it up and say "my life was pointless before this". Maybe it covers up the guilt you feel for the secret feelings of doubt and ambivalence. Children do give great meaning to your life, but there are lots of other ways to find meaning in your life. I'm sure that's no consolation for your sister OP, and I'm sure it hurts a lot.

sorry yabu(but I understand why) I could get upset when people talk about how lucky they are that thier children are "healthy" but people arn't saying it to upset me.

I dont think your sister is BU at the moment because she has reached a point where she is facing never having children.

Its understandable that she feels this way right now and I dont blame her.

We all have a right to be illogicial at certain times in our life.

Friends babbing on about perfect husbands when ours are behaving like morons
People going on about their kids being 'just too bright' when we are coming to terms with ours having SEN.

People moaning endlessly about how much trouble girls are when we have lost ours.

We KNOW that they dont mean to hurt us or upset us. We KNOW that some vapid sleb in a mag is merely parroting what she has heard some other, slightly more high profile, vapid sleb saying about motherhood.

It would be UR your DS went on to insist no one talked about their kids infront of her ever again and had strops if people didnt think of her infertility before anything else

But I doubt she will and it sounds like she is venting because she is really feeling it all right now.

I think your sister will adjust and become a little less sensitive as she comes to terms with her situation. But yabu to expect many of us to agree with your point of view concerning the press, who aren't out to get her personally.

I speak as someone who has cancer; lots of news articles, lots of "my battle with deadly disease" stories. And that's just the media...
...sometimes it's hard to empathise with someone who's having a "bad hair day" when you've none of your own , but it's not meant maliciously and really in tough situations you have to grow a skin to match.
Sorry.

YAB(teensy bit)U....sorry

Took 6 yrs eventually ivf and all manner of shite to achieve DD now 9.5 mo so I am sympathetic to your sister. But the press/tabloids are as they are so best defence is don't look.

Much more unreasonable are people such as my mother who didn't want me touching/having much to do with my sister's kids in case "my problem" was catching. Seriously.

To be honest, I always found Mother's Day more of a kick in the guts.

I do feel for your sister OP, but agree that YAB a bit U.

On a slight tangent, I'd like to see celebs and other high-profile people actually say what parenthood is really like - the good and the bad - more often. It would give people a more realistic view of what it's really like and perhaps make 'regular' people more open about it too.(We should make everyone in the country log-on here and/or read the Mumsnet guides too )

I was always very happy to tell people that, while I love my DD to pieces, when she was very small motherhood was the most relentless, all-consuming and backbreaking thing that I had ever done - and that I didn't always enjoy it. Some people don't like hearing that though, sometimes you can't win.

I think she is being oversensitive but that it is perfectly understandable in her position to be oversensitive. I suppose no point in the celebs hiding how they really feel though (if that is how they really feel!)
I remember when we had my dd1 we took her to see my MIL and she said "I don't think you really feel like a woman until you have a baby." She said it in front of her daughter who is in her 40s, single, childless, living at home! Obviously not a real woman due to no kids then!

Thanks for all the replies. In fairness to my sister, she's not advocating that people in magazines don't talk about their children or how much they love being a mother, she just said it makes her feel really upset when people publicly imply that life without children is not a 'complete' life in some way, or that you only 'grow up' or 'realise what life is all about' once you have a child. That is the kind of thing she hates people saying (and it's so untrue. I know lots of immature and dissatisfied Mothers). That's why I try to let her know that motherhood is like everything else, it has its highs and lows.

thing is all of those comments made are completely how i feel about my daughter and being a mum. I am not going to stop feeling like that and not going to stop saying it either.

However I would never say them purposefully to someone who cannot have children. I really feel for your sis, and she is bound to be upset.

So to sum up I think its understandable for her to feel upset BUT you cannot expect people to stop saying general comments about how wonderful it is to be a mum because it is.

oops cross post! sorry! Again fo me personally my life was not complete before i became a mum because for me that is my purpose in life, but thats me. I am not saying that this is true for all people though.

It's not general comments littlesez. It's people saying 'life is not complete' 'I didn't realise how empty life was before', 'I feel like a proper grown up now. 'You're so selfish before you have a child to think of'. People without children are not selfish, leading empty lives or still waiting to grow up. Some of them, however, are hurting badly and don't need to hear this kind of thing. That is very different to someone saying 'I love being a mother. I'm really enjoying it'.

I do feel for her because I think there is a huge overemphasis in the media about how fulfilling and life-completing having kids is. And I think a lot of celebs say that because they are either a bit vacuous or they're exhausted and having to do interviews, and it's just the done thing to say that - after all no celeb is going to say "hmm yeah having a baby is a bit meh so far tbh".

The fact is having kids like many things is a choice (or sometimes an accident) that closes off certain other choices, and involves a lot of hard work - yes it's amazing and life-changing, but it's not the only life to have.

It does get my goat that in magazines, every story about infertility or not finding mr right actually ends with a miracle baby after all and "I'm so happy and fulfilled". You hardly ever see anything about those women who have chosen not to have DC or who have had to come to terms with not having them when they wanted them, and what kind of life they have and how they can be happy too. There should be a lot more of that because a lot of women go through it.