to feel guilty that I'm not a stay at home mummy living next to the sea who bakes and knits?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Well. I just looked at the mummy blog of an old uni friend. She has called it something really quite twee. I was scoffing a bit at the lentil weaveryness of it [bitchy emoticon], it's very 'we love to live as naturally as possible, today we knitted our own home baked bread' but actually then I thought it looked lovely and her DCs are probably having an incredibly lovely childhood. They live in a little village near the sea, she posts every single day with pictures of crafty lovely activities, unlike me who works and is lazy with DS and lets him do 'free play' (apparently that's an actual thing, not just being lazy) and we don't even have a garden DH takes him to the park and nursery do crafty things but I feel a bit lame.

Tell me that DS won't mind? I'm having my first serious attack of mummy guilt and I feel a bit crappy actually. Also I'm going back to work full time in May, DH will have him 4 days and 1 day in nursery, I need to for financial reasons, if I do we should be in a position to have DC2 next year, it all makes sense but I'm wobbling about only having DS 2 days a week

If is any help I know how you feel kat2907. I often feel like the most crap mum on the planet and most of the time don't feel like i'm any good at it. Knowing weather you are doing things right or wrong is the toughest thing! How do we know with our kids? I am not the best cook in the world, nor am I the most fun or best at being child friendly. There is no manuel with this kid stuff and that is the toughest thing. So I quess we just have to go with the flow and just keep doing the best we can with what we have got I quess. Hope this is of some use anyway.

Oh today I 'did' bake bread for first time ever and it came out ok. My dd hates it but as bread goes it came out edible enough!

If you were a SAHM you would do just fine. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. All this negative talk undermines your confidense in your abilities as a mum. We're all just stmbling around in the dark most of the time anyway, aren't we?

I agree wholeheartedly with moondog. "The map is not the territory" - i.e. it's not a true picture.

The fact that you're feeling guilty and thinking so hard about it shows what a caring and loving mummy you are - how lucky your DS is to have you.

To the OP on a more serious note. I too have the eternal, internal dialogue about whether I've done the right thing going back to part time work at 14 months. I have done it, mainly because my husband has agreed part-time work for a while and he looks after her.

It's not perfect, I do miss her (although I enjoy my job, it's intellectually rewarding), I wonder whether I'm doing the best thing -- pretty much all the time.

But my daughter is thriving, is slung all over London to the zoo, aquarium, Science Museum, Natural History Museum, parks and different playgroups. She's been to the Zoo twice this week. You can't do that

Also, I've lived in Russia and Asia and there everyone brings up families in small apartments, and in some places in Russia you're effectively kept in half the year because of the weather. Their kids have the opportunity to thrive and make friends and do well at school. The human spirit is indomitable and you don't have to have a picture perfect Martha Stewart existence, or be a retired art teacher, to bring up children well.

I don't read blogs, I don't have time this, and the odd bit of eBaying is my only computer vice. I guess there are as many reasons for blogging as there are blogs, but I would question the 'perfect' 'activity filled' 'baked-goods-scented' life of someone glued to a laptop.

"You can't do that" ...."in a small village" I meant to say. Not dissing the small village life, just saying you need to find the best where you are can offer.

not everyone can or will want to be a sahm.
Its all about balance.
The grass isnt always greener, sometimes its dead.
Her husband is probably taking his PA over the desk cos his wifes such a baby bore......you just dont know.
Hope that makes you feel better.

Nice one everyone - great to hear all these brilliant and funny viewpoints! You are all so right of course!

The grass is always greener...but then you peer closely at the lawn and discover all the weeds.

Instead of looking at what you don't have, celebrate what you do have. Nobody can have everything, and frankly, nobody should.

I too live in a small village near the sea and I bake a lot of cakes and knit nice little cardigans and cuddle pure bred bantams but my house is full of dusty surfaces and cobwebs and clutter,and my dds watch far too much cbeebies, and although my "baby" dd is getting close to three I still can't fit into any pre-preg clothes ,and my doggie has just rolled in bonfire ash and gone to sleep on my white sofa. I feel sick with failure when I meet women with both thin thighs and tiny babies, and women with tidy houses with proper storage and nice clean cars that don't resemble skips.Oh and I can't drive either.And I shout as a default setting.you sound very nice,and that is worth a billion pink iced cupcakes.

I just joined Mumsnet so that I could thank you all for this terrific thread. I think I might have to print it out .
I have been a SAHM mother for the past 12 years but have also been studying for the past 4.
I am about to start full time work for the first time ever and am quietly freaking out about the kids. Especially the school holidays.
My mother yesterday expressed her surprise/concern/moderate disapproval that I am 'leaving' my children - my youngest is 7. She was a SAHM mum, and didn't work until I was a teenager. Even then it was only 2 days a week.
But I am not being a good SAHM to be honest. I am bored and cranky and I want to show my kids that they can do more with their life than make cupcakes - unless of course they want to just make cupcakes and that is fine too!
Anyhow, I think the blogger is probably just making the best of the situations she has found herself in tbh. That's what I have been doing. Scratch the surface a bit and I find most people are happy and relieved to drop the 'perfect mummy' facade.
Anyway, thank you again to all who contributed to this thread. You have made me laugh and feel so much better.

I want to hear more from Doris Bonkers in the sleb gossip line!

hellymelly - my car is a pit, the boot is held down by bungees, the back is littered with socks and bits of food and the wing mirrors are held in with blu-tack. I am still 2 stone fatter than I was pre-pg and by 'baby' is 18mo.

Condensedmilk - that's great! Don't feel bad about working, you put in a very long stint! A 7yo doesn't need you at home 24/7, in a year or two she'll be playing out after school every day if she can and not getting in til way after you get home from work! Good on you for studying and getting back into work - it's not easy after such a long time.

Why do we women beat ourselves up about this? We constantly compare ourselves to others when the truth is no families, kids, situations etc are the same. I've always worked part-time since mine were 6 months old & was very lucky enough to have great grandparents around who loved doing the painting, play-doh, baking etc (different generation!) I would go nuts if I was at home all the time -everyone woud suffer. You love them - that's all that matters - they won't care whether you've ever baked with them or not!Downside is career has suffered but frankly don't care - you really can't have it all - accept it and make the best of it. There are others in far worse situations.

Oh honestly, don't worry: I hated my mum being at home, she was awful. Really, she should have been out earning (which would have given us a better life and taken the pressure off my poor dad) and not sitting at home like a bad-tempered spider, waiting to confront me with whatever shortcoming I had.

Don't overestimate the value of being a SAHM oif you're not really that good at it. And especially don't use it as a screen for not working. Go out to work, hire someone to do the gruntwork of childcare (even if you are forking over most of your wages - if you are doing what you are good at and your childcarer is doing what they are good at, everyone is better off - and you'll only have to suck it up for, what, 14 years out of of 40 year career) and enjoy your kids when you aren't working.

Thanks Kat
I felt like crying after reading your post. When I read it I had just come in after announcing my big news to my school mum friends.
My field is quite hard to get into, especially as a 'mature age' person. And was quite proud of myself. Silly me, thought my friends would be supportive.
Instead they pulled shocked faces and asked how I would cope? Don't think I'm that fragile! Luckily DD's teacher intervened and said she thinks it's great that Mum's work and the kids get to see their mother as a person with outside interests.
That ended the conversation.
But I was quite glad to see your positive post. You're right I did put in a long stint - never thought of it that way before.

Thanks again.

Kat2907, my sister had a fabby job and in ref to you earned a shit load of cash. I shall cut a long story short but she left her children with our sister who was a child minder. She had the mummy guilt but was the main earner by far. She felt so unhappy going to work full time that she gave up her career and may i say the most fantastic mum ever. You sound just like her. However if you want to go back to work do so. If you have great childcare like my sister offers then it is all win. Now my sister is a child minder and earn a wee fortune.
Kat good luck and sure you will make the best decision. xx

oops i must be the odd one out. I have been reading feeling great then i think about how my dd ask can she go to grandads everyday because he lives across the road and has just about the whole early learning ctr in his house just for her. She visits and comes home with a whole box of iced cakes and tonns of hand painted pictures.
Now this little madame can be hard to handel after a wee session of art and crafts (lots of sweets) She wants it all and i am afraid to say i never had all she had and i thing too much emphasis on art and craft baking and time spent with parnet. I thing they want a break also. x

Hellymelly can i give u a big hug? you do sound like a lovley mum

1. Living near the sea in the UK is not a good thing. It will be cold. The DCs will never go in the water, except for the times when they go so far out you panic yourself silly imagining they are drowning. You would also undoubtedly suffer from the anxiety that your house was about to crumble and fall into the sea as the coastline erodes.

1. Crafty lovely activities are overrated. You spend half an hour getting the stuff out. The DCs spend five minutes desultorily painting, then it takes around an hour to clean the mess up.

1. Not having a job is rated by people who didn't like their jobs but viewed with horror by those people who actually were lucky enough to find something they enjoyed doing.

1. Guilt is pretty useless and corrosive as an emotion. Go and do something urban with your DS ...

now i find this arty crafty thing a problem. My dd loves it but all this how long to set up is left to her gd. Sound perfect but left with 19mth terror

Hello all. I've spent 12 years of motherhood in varying stages of guilt.

Wanting baby no 1 to pass all milestones as quickly as possible.

Working and had an au pair because couldn't deal with the mundane existence of domesticity, dh going mad with untidiness.

Having clean and perfect home and several dc later, bored, sahm, dc no longer liking home baked bread.

Got ducks, goats, chickens, goats, dog, arts n crafts table, store bought bread.

I like where I'm at now but am studying to retrain.

I think we go through stages and when we're not where we want to be, we want something else, when that is achieved, we want something else again and so on.

I always find the journey more interesting than the destination!

My parents live by the sea and while it is idyllic, I could not stand facing all that traffic ever!

Well I don't think that about my blog.

It started out as a how to do a Laura Ashley revamp on a very small budget?

Everyone was against me, including my parents.

www.craftingmummy.blogspot.com

All it ever did was make people paint doorknobs themselves.!!!!!

Yep, my best 'Mum' memories are a mixture of hanging around 'baking together - just an excuse to lick the bowl really - and the dancing and singing. My young parents had loads of singles (remember them?!), and a great love of music, and when we had the occasional music-fest, often on a Saturday morning, it was the fun and the volume I remember most. And my mum was a SAHM, as am I, but it's not the only way to go. You make your decision based on what you need/want to do....and then make it work.

This is a really apt thread for me. I came back yesterday from a holiday to North Wales. DH and I went to uni there and I actually lived there for 5 years and if I had played the academia card right and sucked up to the right people I could still be living there.

Instead I live in a poncy town and work 4 days a week (admittedly in a job I don't particularly enjoy at the moment but I am the main breadwinner and it is too flexible for me to leave with a young family). We live in a 2 bed regency flat with no garden with out 2.7 yr old and another on the way.

My best friend from uni still lives up there with he 18 month old, and to my mind they have a lovely life. They have a cottage the own, admittedly it's small, but it's theirs, in an idyllic village with a lovely village nursery, they birth work in the uni and have pretty flexible and successful careers. My friend only works 2 days but she is has a Clinical doctorate. They have a garden in which they grow veg. Their cottage, though small is completely uncluttered and because they don't have loads of 'stuff' the stuff they do have is good quality and all really functional. The go to lovely child friendly country cafes with their equally successful friends. There is so much to be envious of.

I told her how much I love her house and it makes me envious, and she said 'really? DH and I always come away from your place feeling jealous as your flat has massive rooms, high ceilings and is so light and lovely.' And you know what, our flat is lovely, it is big for a flat (but it has to be as we have no garden!). I live that we have a shop at either end of our street, and that there are street lights where we live. Ok, we can't just step outside our door and go for a walk into the mountains but we can step outside our door and walk into town or to friends. Sometimes you just have to accept the lifestyle that suits you. I could have my friend's life but I don't think I would be happy, and nor she with mine.

I must admit to blog envy too, I look at a lot of craft blogs and feel completely inadequate, but I work nearly full time, and can't possibly find the same time to do as much crafting as they do. Plus, much as I love DD, I really hate 'playing' (in fact this is one thing me and my friend both agreed on yesterday, neither of us enjoys it) it's like a dirty little secret. I keep telling myself that I will enjoy it more when she grows up a bit and is playing with barbies or ponies, but I really don't want to 'be Dora' or Peppa.

Anyway, after that long ramble, my point is, most blogs are an evil exercise in vanity and probably confidence boosting. Be happy with your choices, or if they don't always make you happy, at least remember they are a means to an end.