to feel guilty that I'm not a stay at home mummy living next to the sea who bakes and knits?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Well. I just looked at the mummy blog of an old uni friend. She has called it something really quite twee. I was scoffing a bit at the lentil weaveryness of it [bitchy emoticon], it's very 'we love to live as naturally as possible, today we knitted our own home baked bread' but actually then I thought it looked lovely and her DCs are probably having an incredibly lovely childhood. They live in a little village near the sea, she posts every single day with pictures of crafty lovely activities, unlike me who works and is lazy with DS and lets him do 'free play' (apparently that's an actual thing, not just being lazy) and we don't even have a garden DH takes him to the park and nursery do crafty things but I feel a bit lame.

Tell me that DS won't mind? I'm having my first serious attack of mummy guilt and I feel a bit crappy actually. Also I'm going back to work full time in May, DH will have him 4 days and 1 day in nursery, I need to for financial reasons, if I do we should be in a position to have DC2 next year, it all makes sense but I'm wobbling about only having DS 2 days a week

i remember wishing my mother would go back to work cos she was such a bad tempered freak most of the time

mornignpaper and northernlurker I agree.

I remember picnics and baking with my dad (which is weird - according to mum he NEVER baked )

I remember long walks around local lochs, picking strawberries and trespassing over farmer's fields with my dad leading the way.

I also remember my mum being very bored and quite grumpy a lot of the time and looking back, I wonder if she was depressed. But I still consider my childhood to have been lovely.

If your friend has time to post pictures of her crafts everyday she probably does not have enough to do and is bored.

Yes, NL I agree. My parents set up a business when I was 5 and my Dad would basically leave the house on a Monday before the sun came up, and would drive around the country selling all week long.

Do I remember that? Nope. I remember going to watch motor racing with him, preparing a small "welcome home daddy" dance, having him tickle me relentlessly, washing the car together and playing "jaws" in the sea on holiday.

As for my mum, I remember "gardening" with her, endles hours making camps in the garden with her vaguely supervising, her dressed up for an evening out with my dad (Chanel No 5 immediately makes me feel 4 again), zooming around in her Mini, her being glam and fun and letting me ride my bike out of sight.

I remember candle making and "science experiments" with my mum, and fingerpainting when younger, and having friends around to play in the garden, and every year we'd pick all the blackcurrants and try and make blackcurrant jam but my mum was hopeless at it and it would always end up being blackcurrant syrup, and I remember having a chest freezer where the yummy puddings were stored (like premade chocolate eclairs) but she would never remember to take them out in time so if we had one as a treat it would always still be half frozen which didn't stop it being delicious.

And we'd go steal pick elderflowers on weekends with friends and make elderflower champagne. And sometimes there'd be parties at our house (we always had lodgers to help pay the mortgage) and I was allowed to stay up a bit and try the (cheap) Camembert on baguettes.

She detested cooking, so we lived on fish fingers and Findus pancakes and bad stew, but sometimes on weekends she'd make flapjacks or eggy bread, and every Halloween she'd try and make treacle toffee and sometimes get it right.

The thing is, my mother was a single parent working horrendous hours, and we grew up in a cheap horrible neighbourhood in Bristol, with a titchy back garden mostly concrete, and I had to share a bedroom with my brother until I was 10 because we needed lodgers.

But I don't remember that, I just know it now. My memories of my childhood are idyllic, because my mum loved us so.

Our kids will be fine, you know. As Ozziegirly said - it's only wool.

Having just read the last few posts I expect our your children will all have the same memories:

Mum in the country with lovely blog of domestic bliss "She was always on the computer"

All of us on here MNing "She was always on the computer"

I too suffer from other life envy. You know when you go round to someone else's house and it is immaculate then you go back to your own and see it for the tip it is? Pop in unexpected and those houses are also a tip ... most places scrub up OK!

My dad worked every hour so was rarely at home. I remember him playing the guitar, handing out presents at christmas time, letting me have sips of his beer, me and my brother cleaning out his van and being able to keep the mountains of loose change we'd find. My mum was around most of the time and I remember her tolerating arts and crafts but never actually being the one to instigate and lead them, playing outside ALL the time (mum later said even when it was raining, if we were being too irritating, she'd stick our wellies and macs on and shove us outside to give herself some peace!), trips to the beach with her making boats out of sand for us to sit in, never knitting as she was hopeless at it ... but my gran did knit me a whole load of clothes for my Sindy once, making us a treasure trail every valentine's day. So many happy memories and we lived in a normal 3 bed semi in a large village in the north. I certainly don't feel disadvantaged by lack of jam making or knitting. I also don't feel disadvantaged by fact my dad worked so much (althoguh I know he regrets it somewhat).

It's all about love - I know they loved me - and you make your own special traditions. That is what they'll remember.

Ha! JAMM, my mother was a computer programmer, and we had a computer at home before anyone else (1987, and crap, but still) and I have exactly no memories of her being on the PC at all.

I think you do what you need to do for you and your family - ignore the boasts of bloggers and focus on what you know or hope will make all of you happy. There is a lot of ambivalence about staying at home - when mine wre small i think i would have doen them damage - joke but you know what i mean - as i could not have stayed at home all the time, for my own sanity. I now work 2 days per week and find that i enjoy them more and am better for them now they are a bit older

Kat

I'm from Ireland and, believe me, it rains a lot over there. An AWFUL LOT. Living by the sea is fun for about two weeks of the year. I suspect the reason she blogs so much is because she's stuck indoors looking out at the wet beach.

I've noticed that many mummy blogs make me feel crap and the reason is they never ever post about crap days or reality. I have a theory that they post to make themselves feel better. I think these bloggers aren't entirely happy with their lives so make up these fantasy stories in order to hopefully make other people envious.This envy they envisage that they're creating then makes them feel better.

They post these amazing photographs(do they all have a degree in photography and a £2000 camera) and write these posts where the kids always seem to play for hours with a cardboard box and a pine cone dressed head to toe in homemade clothes. Said kids are always smiling and munching 100% organic food, doing hours of crafts and are home educated.

In Blogland plastic toys are regarded as the work of Satan. I finally saw the light when I read a blog where the mum shamefully admitted that she'd let plastic animals into the house. This confession was swiftly followed with but "I'd only let Schleich animals into the house"and a hazy pic of littleblog playing in the sunlight surrounded by wooden blocks and his Schleich animals. Can't tell you how tempted I was to post a reply,had to sit on my hands.

Anyhow I'm now a bit more scrupulous over which blogs I read,.Just don't feed their need to brag. If a blog makes you feel crap it's crap imvho.

Read Attic24 it's lovely. She does do a lot of her own crafts but she admits when she's had a crap day. The whole thing is very much focused on seeing the colour in life,it's really sweet.I bought myself a bunch of daffs and a new mug last week in her honour .

Oh and MadamLindt I'm not tarring you with the blogenvy brush. I've not read your blog(I don't think)but you always seem normal and nice on here Errr you weren't plastic animal woman were you?

honestly why do people blog!!!! so vain IMO

ignore ignore ignore

I also know that the anticipation of working FT is worse than the event, does that make sense? you have to do what you have to do, and if he cant be wioth his Mummy he will be with the best alternative, his daddy! thats so cool honestly

Good luck, go provide for your family and ignore smug blog bitch

She is probably bored out of her mind which explains why she has time to share this twoddle with the universe via her blog.

Sorry just realised SAHMs are a bit of a tender subject,Attic 24 is a SAHM but mostly posts about the weekends these days, but still you might want to avoid it.

My sister is doing the same set up as you'll be doing and they all love it. Her twin boys are 2,they have dad most of the time and she has 1 day midweek,they all have the weekends together. She was dreading it but it really works. I'm a SAHM and honestly I think her set up is the better option it can get pretty fraught at times being a SAHM. I feel guilty at times that my nephews only ever see a calm happy mummy thrilled to be with them errrr not so my dc at times

Can't win to be honest, we're all inflicted with mummy guilt,funny how dads never suffer from dad guilt

this thread is nice! tortoise thats really sweet

my mum worked FT but the only time I got beaten up in primary school (secondary school was different story) you know who was there? my mum....

"the anticipation of working FT is worse than the event"

Porca's right. You'll get into a routine and it won't be as bad as you think.

Loving the childhood memories, especially tortoise's fond remembrances of her mother's really bad cooking. I think the biggest gift you can give to your dcs is to convey your enjoyment of them while you're with them. You don't need to be always there like wallpaper or something.

lol at butterfiles. Sorry Northernlurker, made me laugh! but you're spot on about what it is we remember and love about our parents/childhood. My dad commuted from where we lived to a town around 300 miles away to work each week (not back and forth, just there and then stay over). But I remember him getting up at 5am to get ready to leave, and would get up to see him off - and going for dawn walks at the weekends (I was pre-teen and hadn't hit the 'never getting out of bed stage'). So your kids love you for all sorts of odd reasons and probably not for the things you struggle to do with them. They'll love you for the things you are obviously HAPPY to do with them .

Right. I'm going to do a smug log or smlog.

Scowled at children

made even more bloody jam to go with the remaining 500 jars of uneaten stuff

Did potato prints then washed the paint off said potatoes and cooked them for lunch.

Scowled at cat and messy house but hung out washing with hand carved pegs

etc

What Tigga said. And then some...

Seriously, none of it matters a toss - or at least nowhere near as much as you think it does. But I promise you this - when your children are 14, regardless of whether you stayed at home baking cupcakes, or worked every hour to put a roof over their heads, you will still be the most embarrassing mum in the whole world ever.

I know why you feel this way and that feeling is real but I totally agree with JustAnotherManicMummy. Just wait until they are teenagers. In fact just wait until your DS reaches age 8.

I used to worry I was not doing enough with DSs but now they are age 8 and 10 they barely want to be bothered with me and DW. We have to beg them to sit and talk to us at the weekend - they have much more interesting things to do than talk to boring old Mum and Dad.

What DCs want more than anything is to know they have a parent(s) that cares, that is there when they need them and sets sensible boundaries they can test but know that ultimatley there is a point they cannot go beyond. Our DSs get anxious if one of us is away from home (we work at home) but they love being away from us doing exciting stuff they want.

DS1 and DS2 did help me bake cake and do some gardening last weekend but honestly, I really don't think it was their highlight of the week. We are currently agonising about taking them on a beach holiday by the sea in a nice cottage but we know really they would rather be driving go karts hell for leather round a circuit, shooting arrows or going down a zip wire with their mates - as long as we are there for them when they get back.

LOVING these responses!

And to whoever posted about meeting actual men, can I just say 'yes, please' to some of that and tell you all that I simpered (horrible word...) at the young 20-something who helped cart out my ginormo cart of groceries yesterday (35 weeks preg with DC2 and stocking up shop full of tins, etc).

I mean, seriously, who would fancy me in my condition?! But there I was, tossing my hair at him... Why? Cos apart from DH (and, yes, the postman!!!) he and one other SAHD are the only MEN I see all week!! Sad, or what?!...

I love your hair-tossing, 14 hours!

"The fastest route to unhappiness is to compare oneself to others" - a quote I read a while ago which I think holds a lot of truth.

I tend to find that those who feel the need to tell others just how wonderful everything is, are generally the most unhappy inside.

Also stay at home or work, either way your children will probably turn round and blame you for everything when they're teenagers no matter what you do!!

The fact you care makes you a great Mum.

wow I read loads of blogs but have miraculously escaped reading those written by smug mums.

Those who are scarred by the smugness should try Dooce. She loves to piss people off with tales of her slightly irresponsible parenting and all the crappy days that having kids involve.

I am a deeply disorganised SAHM who is endlessly trying to do better. I get the laundry done and cook a lot to avoid thinking about tidying. I am Free Play's biggest fan but I also spend a lot of time kissing my baby so I don't care what anyone thinks of my mothering skills.

I used to really envy my SIL. I thought her life was so rosy and then my BIL had an affair and she confieded in me just how horrible her marriage was even before the affair. It taught me to never envy anyone because we all have problems. Concentrate on being the best mom you can be. Thats all your DS can ever ask of you.