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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel guilty that I'm not a stay at home mummy living next to the sea who bakes and knits?

180 replies

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/03/2010 21:17

Well. I just looked at the mummy blog of an old uni friend. She has called it something really quite twee. I was scoffing a bit at the lentil weaveryness of it [bitchy emoticon], it's very 'we love to live as naturally as possible, today we knitted our own home baked bread' but actually then I thought it looked lovely and her DCs are probably having an incredibly lovely childhood. They live in a little village near the sea, she posts every single day with pictures of crafty lovely activities, unlike me who works and is lazy with DS and lets him do 'free play' (apparently that's an actual thing, not just being lazy) and we don't even have a garden DH takes him to the park and nursery do crafty things but I feel a bit lame.

Tell me that DS won't mind? I'm having my first serious attack of mummy guilt and I feel a bit crappy actually. Also I'm going back to work full time in May, DH will have him 4 days and 1 day in nursery, I need to for financial reasons, if I do we should be in a position to have DC2 next year, it all makes sense but I'm wobbling about only having DS 2 days a week

OP posts:
cory · 16/03/2010 07:47

I am getting this from my mother a lot. I grew up in a small market town, in a large house with lots of space for activities (we had a woodworking bench and a table tennis table in the garage), with woods to play in, very healthy climate and fresh air, skiing and skating on local pond in winter and I got to spend my summers near the beach.

We live in an average 3 bed semi, small rooms, urban setting, near a main road.

My mother cannot get her head round the fact that my children are not actually deprived.

I remind myself that dd is actually getting quite a few things that I would have given my eye teeth for at her age: she has friends interested in the same things as herself, she goes to a local drama club which she loves, she gets taken to the theatre at regular intervals, there are lots of potential activities around. By the time I got to secondary, all my friends were ever interested in was getting legless at weekends.

I tell myself that by most people's standards, living in a pleasant urban setting, where most people know each other and greet each other in the street, does not count as Deprivation. Not by a long stretch.

In my mother's case, I know what the problem is. She had moved away from her home town and parents to somewhere that was very different. She hated it. I have moved away not only from my parents, but from my country. So why aren't I hating it? Well, maybe because I'm not her. Or maybe because I did actually make a better choice.

Funnily enough, I did get a chance last year of moving to the sort of place that would have made my mother very very happy. And the sort of place dh and I had been talking yearningly of for years. And you know what- we turned it down. Because we realise that we actually like our lives as they are.

OrmRenewed · 16/03/2010 07:55

Well I understand how you feel. It sounds idyllic. But I have comforted myself with the undeniable fact that I am crap at crafts, helpless at 'playing' but am very very good at encouraging 'free play' (oh what a wonderful term).

So my time is better spent earning money. And then being a very loving and involved mother when I am at home and restricting my 'doing' with the kids to vague supervision and encouragment ("Oh that's lovely darling! ....Ermm what is it?")

I am a good cook and baker but better without the DC' help

I am good at outdoors stuff though. Spent over an house building a stick den with them on Sunday .

OrmRenewed · 16/03/2010 07:57

Why did someone have to mention home-knitted cardies? Mine were made on a knitting machine...... the horror!

Lizzylou · 16/03/2010 08:00

She is just spinning her life, sexing it up.

I am on Facebook and I proudly put a photo up of the cake I made for DS2's birthday, lots of people oohed and aahed over it, it was good (for me).
When I made DS1's birthday cake 10 days later, I did NOT share it with friends and family on FB. It collapsed.

So, anyone looking at my profile will think I can bake and decorate cakes, when in reality I sort of can, sometimes.

She is presenting her life in a similar vein, showing the world the good bits, which if you did, she'd probably be jealous of.

Tigga was scary wasn't she?

SweetGrapes · 16/03/2010 08:06

My mum used to knit for me too. I used to hate them. I remember sitting in class pulling at the ends in hope that it would unravel enough to warrant buying a proper one from the shops...

I love all the things we can do in london. I grew up in a small town in another country - with nothing. I love taking the kids swimming, taking them to the park, the movies, the theatre (small walk, small bus ride and there we are). Everything is close by. Dd has SEN, so not all trips work out well but we are never too far for a quick dash home.
and I don't bake.

Pumphreydidit · 16/03/2010 08:14

Orm, I aspire to machine knitting. Thank you for making me see sense and avoiding years of expensive therapy for my children.

The rural idyll is different in reality; not so much Darling Buds of May and more like the Shameless Gallaghers but with wellies.

Sorry, but picking brambles to make jam entails falling down banks to get to the good ones, eaten alive by insects, paranoia over whether they have been peed on by foxes or rats then you have to make the jam which nobody likes (so it is donated to a raffle)

Is your friend in an area without tv/radio reception? Some of us have no alternative but to go a bit 1940's and make potato prints of an evening. It is that or Valium.

I have urban envy. There, it's out and said.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 16/03/2010 08:22

Hahaha I grew up in a village too albeit one with a vague bus and train service to the city. I would love to bring the DCs up somewhere like that where I could commute to work but round here houses in those types of villages go for a small fortune.

I laughed at that Pumphrey because there was a whole entry about potato print bunting on there. She also had a pic of the kids 'enjoying ten minutes on X (phonics website) while I did Y' so I assume even if they have cbeebies the DCs aren't allowed to watch it...

Rod for your own back I tell ya! When those kids are old enough to have their own tvs they will become proper addicts. I was tv starved limited as a child and now mine's on the majority of the day and has been since I was old enough to be in charge of the tv.

OP posts:
Pumphreydidit · 16/03/2010 08:37
fernie3 · 16/03/2010 08:48

ok I am putting down my knitting needles.....I am pretty bad at it anyway maybe I will concentrate on another craft that my children wont have to wear lol.

fernie3 · 16/03/2010 08:50

oh by the way I have a website although not a blog but it is still full of pics of my children doing "perfect children" things I dont mention and depression, illness, development delays, behaviour problems, money trouble, unexpected pregnancy well the list is endless but I like that on there at least I can pretend to be in control of my life!

Veritythebrave · 16/03/2010 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HesterPrynne · 16/03/2010 09:25

I live a two-minute walk from the sea, bake weekly, knit, crochet and embroider.... mainly because I'm bored stupid.

My kids come home to a ratty mum, who has spoken to no one all day and has spent the past two years feeling resentful about having to move from London because we couldn't afford it anymore.

There are no jobs to be had so I have a two-hour each way commute for the vestige of a job I have kept in London, but only over the weekend so all I see all week is tired, school-stressed kids!

Wanna swap Kat2907?

morningpaper · 16/03/2010 09:31

hahhaha this thread is great

let's face it, in this country, it's always bloody fREEZING by the sea so the children are crying after two minutes because their legs are bleeding from the cold and they want to be back in the car

ShinyAndNew · 16/03/2010 09:33

What's living next to the sea got to do with anything?

I live next to the sea. It gets boring after while, especially in winter. Even the children got bored of it last year after the umpteenth time of being dragged to the seafront for icecream and a paddle.

I bet it eould be much more exciting if you had to travel to the sea as a treat.

Knitting I don't do. Baking I do when I can be bothered or when the children beg.

I SAHM sometimes i.e. when I am not working or at the park. The park is so much more fun than the beach.

The only craft type stuff I do is salt dough, or the occassional aforementioned baking.

My kids have a great time just pottering about the park playing in the mud or dry leaves while I sit outside the cafe drinking coffee.

morningpaper · 16/03/2010 09:35

She will be looking at your life OP and be green with envy that you get to mix with other adults all day

especially MEN, you get to talk to ACTUAL MEN

she probably sends herself recorded delivery parcels just so the postman will ring the bell

BariatricObama · 16/03/2010 09:36

ohhhh! i am about to quit work, is blogging compulsory?

GetOrfMoiLand · 16/03/2010 09:41

I used to live by the sea. It is ALWAYS windy and in winter the wind bends the rain so it comes horizontally and hits you right in the face.

In the winter all the shops are shut and there is nobody there. In the summer the place if filled with the holidaying hordes and they nick all the parking spaces.

A lot of seaside towns are a bit down at heel. We used to have to traipse 15 miles on a bus which came every hour and a half to go shopping in the nearest market town, whwre the most exciting shop was Top Shop. We all got excited when Top Shop came to town in the early noughties. That's how sad it was.

Your children cry their eyes out when seagulls swoop down and nick their ice creams.

It's not all that much fun living by the seaside to be fair.

BariatricObama · 16/03/2010 09:43

i love living near the sea, and i love knitting!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 16/03/2010 09:48

Hester
Actually {whisper} I do live by the sea. But it is Brighton, so no sand, and the bit of sea I live near to has loads of warehouses built in front of it. It is possible to walk to a nice bit tho - but I don't.

The type of sea this woman lives by is adjacent to an irish fishing village. That's proper sea. Brighton has a kind of tarty, fur coat and no knickers type of sea.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 16/03/2010 09:52

Why does anyone feel the need to blog about their life with their children? I always get the feeling that such people must be busy looking out for life's photo opportunities in order to polish their PR, rather than actually feeling and breathing and creating.

choosyfloosy · 16/03/2010 10:21

this thread has made me cry with laughter

OrmRenewed · 16/03/2010 10:45

pumphrey - I'm sure it's fine. For some people. But in our house there was a constant racket of the machine as it mum pushed the thing from one side to the other - a kind of tortured 'threeeewwwmmm threeeewwwmmm threeeewwwwmm' noise with a pause every now and again, and then some swearing because the yarn had broken or got knotted. And then it would start again.... and go on and one all evening. The dog and the cat would creep from the house as soon as she sat down in front of the beast.

And everything came out too tight or too long in the sleeves. And mum couldn't afford to waste the wool so we had to wear it. Oh the shame.....

tittybangbang · 16/03/2010 10:48

Can I join this guilt-a-thon?

I feel guilty that I'm a SAHM (work 10 hours a week), who often sends my kids to school in yesterday's socks because I'm so fucking disorganised I can't find a clean pair for them in the morning - even when I've washed every day that week and the children have 50 pairs of school socks each.

My home is a slum, I forget to buy presents for their friends' birthday parties, end up putting horrid things in their lunchboxes because I haven't got round to going shopping, and I NEVER do anything fun with them during the week.

I also haven't had sex with DH for 2 weeks, done this year's tax return, or shaved my legs for a month.

Northernlurker · 16/03/2010 10:59

I think the important thing is to think back to your childhood - what do you remember?

I found out recently that for quite a few years my dad worked a 6 and 1/2 day week doing overtime to meet the mortgage when interest rates are high. This means my sister and i must hardly have seen him. I have absolutely no memory of that. What I do remember is looking down the road to see him come home for lunch sometimes. That and that awful yellow haddock my parents fed me, Princess Di's wedding, a holiday in Sussex, lilac blossom and the buddlia covered in butterfiles(spelling?, coming downstairs on Christmas morning and seeing my new dollshouse, the day the neighbours went watersking leaving a casserole in the oven and the oven caught fire....nothing, nothing to do with how much my parents worked or spent time with us. I hope and trust it's the same for my kids. I've no reason to think otherwise.

morningpaper · 16/03/2010 11:03

I love that response NL

I remember stacks of books from the library, lying in the garden reading them under an apple tree

I remember going to the cash and carry occasionally with my father (they owned a shop)

I remember carving sticks with knives and picking tiny crystals out of dry-stone walls in the garden

Never really socialised with other people TBH but our garden seemed like a forest for exploring all the time - although when I went back as an adult it was basically a muddy slope

was happy enough!