Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to want baby number 3 at 39?

90 replies

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:08

2 years ago on mother's day, I had a miscarriage... it was an empty egg but a real pregnancy with all the great things from the first trimester (not!).
Now, 2 years later, DS is 4, DD is 6, I have had a breakdown, 5 months of Prozac, couple counselling and.... I still want a baby and DH is still saying no, his favourite excuse being he is too old now (he is 43) or that we already have a boy and a girl

should I just give up now and definitely close the door on the best times of my life without any hope of ever being pregnant, giving birth or breastfeeding?

OP posts:

skidoodle · 14/03/2010 21:11

YANBU but it doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind, does it?

BrahmsThirdRacket · 14/03/2010 21:11

If your DH definitely doesn't want anymore then it's game over I'm afraid.

nickytwotimes · 14/03/2010 21:11

Fair enough to want/have a child at 39 or any age for that matter.

However, your dh clearly doesn't. I think you are being a little unfair sying that his reasons are excuses, though I do understand that you desperately want another child.

Your age is irrelevant in this - you nad dh need to come to an agreement somehow. I think you need more couple counselling.

It is intersting that you call the baby imes the 'best times'. You clearly have plenty years left - why do you think htey were the best?

mrsruffallo · 14/03/2010 21:15

Of course, the final decision lies with you but..I am the same age as you have a dd aged 6 and ds aged 4 ans while the thought does cross my mind occassionally I have decided against a third child as I do feel too old, I love the ages my children are now and I don't know how far we can stretch money and attention.

My DH is younger than me and I know he feels broody sometimes too but when I think of sleepless nights and chasing a toddler I get worried. I wouldn't have a third if my husband wasn't keen.

However, I loved breastfeeding and I think the children would adore a baby so I am just as confused as you I guess.

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:16

Nickytwotimes, I really enjoyed everything about being a mum from the first weeks of prgnancy, two easy water births, breastfeeding, the times when all they want is cuddles and you are the centre of their world.
Now DS and DD play a lot together and it feels like all I do sometimes is feed them and tellling them it's bedtime!
I know parenting is just more than the first few years but these years were very precious to me and I can't help but despairing at DH's constant refusal...

OP posts:

Rindercella · 14/03/2010 21:18

I'm afraid that I agree your age is pretty much irrelevant in this. It is one of those tragic situations where no compromise is possible: one of you would dearly love to have another child while the other definitely doesn't want to.

There is no reason why the 'best times' are over for you.

I really hope that you and your DH can come to some sort of resolution where you can both be happy.

YANBU, but then neither is your DH.

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:19

mrsruffallo, I liked reading your comments because it showed that we might think of practicalities, money, sleep deprivation etc.. but there is still a lot of it that is just irrational and for me wanting a child is just something very deep.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 14/03/2010 21:19

Being (or feeling) too old might be a reason, but having a boy and a girl is an excuse.

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:22

well, it all sounds like DH is making excuses to me. Whatever he says, I am still the one who would be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed and be the primary carer so he would not have much to do, whatever his age!

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 14/03/2010 21:23

soupadoula..I think it's quite dangerous to have a child just because you like the baby years
I also find the ages my children are now absolutely amazing..they are still so young, of course they need you!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 14/03/2010 21:25

Do you work? If DH is the sole provider, he may feel uncomfortable about having another mouth to feed.

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:26

BrahmsThirdRacket, why would it be game over, then??
Sometimes I think DH is just biding his time until I am too old and then mother nature will decide....

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 14/03/2010 21:26

I just read your last comment. It's a bit selfish.
Your DH doesn't want another child. Whether he is making excuses or not, that is the bottom line.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 14/03/2010 21:27

Look, if your husband doesn't want another baby then you can't have one. What else is there to explain?

Tiredmumno1 · 14/03/2010 21:30

Age shouldnt be an issue at all, but i think a very serious convo is needed. He should think long and hard before making a decision, as you obviously feel baby no3 will complete your family, i totally understand that. I hope he reconsiders and sees it from your way. Maybe it will make you feel better if thats why your feeling down, you need to get yourself off them tablets hun. Hope you work it out

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:30

yes, DH is selfish and so am I and no, I am not working at the moment.
I gave up a high flying City job before being a mum and we can get by for now. I can't think of anything I could do professionally that would be better than being pregnant again.
I can't accept that just because DH says so it is the end of the road

OP posts:

BrahmsThirdRacket · 14/03/2010 21:33

"I can't accept that just because DH says so it is the end of the road"

I'm afraid it is. A lot of people come on MN with this problem. Unfortunately there is no compromise but I feel that people should be in control of their own fertility and their partners should respect their wishes in it 100%. The worst thing you could do would be go ahead and get pg anyway - I'm sure you would never do that.

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:33

Hi Tiredmymno1, I gave up the tablets last year and I am doing fine.
I know I am lucky to have DS and DD and I love them to bits. They are wonderful little beings with so much to give and so much energy as well!
The thought of not having number 3 does not overwhelm me as of last year but it is still here everyday.

OP posts:

Rindercella · 14/03/2010 21:35

Perhaps your DH feels that your family is now complete and is looking for the kindest ways to tell you that? That you already have a boy and a girl - yep, not that helpful a comment but perhaps that's just it for him - he has you, a son and a daughter and considers himself lucky? That he feels too old. The only person who can really know whether this is true is your DH.

I really don't think your age, or your DH's, has anything to do with whether or not you have another child (fwiw I'll be 40 in 6 weeks and DD2 will be here in the next week or two, and DH is 51, so age is not a factor to us). It is a deeply personal and individual thing though.

I suggest you and your DH have some further counselling and see if you can reach some sort of resolution before it destroys your marriage.

AnneElliot · 14/03/2010 21:37

Well you will need to convince him then...

I don't think his reasons are exactly insurmountable.. they just boil down to him not wanting a child, while you do.

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:37

Rindercella, yes DH says all of this and these are his main reasons.
counselling didn't work that well last time round. The happy pills worked better because I felt more relaxed about it .
I guess it did not solve the issue...

OP posts:

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:38

and congratulations, Rindercella. Hope it all goes well!

OP posts:

Annlinn · 14/03/2010 21:39

Hi- everyone seems to forget your original posting. Today must be a very sad day for you, and I send you all my thoughts. Maybe today is not the best day to reflect over things. All the best.

DinahRod · 14/03/2010 21:43

Am 37, have a boy and a girl who will be 6 & 4 when the third arrives later this year. Dh was not keen at first, since 2 children is the norm in his and my world, but changed his mind after a very amicable on/off discussion for about a year - was a bit of a shock actually! I very definitely needed him to be wholeheartedly behind it if we were to go ahead. Marriages are put to the test having children and wonder if your dh worries about that aspect?

Tbh, my dh would still be happy with having just 2, but is excited about no 3. If he hadn't changed his mind, I would have 'come to terms' with it, by moving into a new and different stage with the dcs.

Your "DS and DD play a lot together and it feels like all I do sometimes is feed them and telling them it's bedtime! I know parenting is just more than the first few years but these years were very precious to me" resonated with me, and the most useful question I saw posed on MN was to you want another baby or do you want another child?

Original poster

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:43

Thanks Annlinn. I did get very emotional today . Having a miscarriage was a big letdown of hope and expectations...
I have so much more to give. I have enough love for another child.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4