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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want baby number 3 at 39?

90 replies

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:08

2 years ago on mother's day, I had a miscarriage... it was an empty egg but a real pregnancy with all the great things from the first trimester (not!).
Now, 2 years later, DS is 4, DD is 6, I have had a breakdown, 5 months of Prozac, couple counselling and.... I still want a baby and DH is still saying no, his favourite excuse being he is too old now (he is 43) or that we already have a boy and a girl

should I just give up now and definitely close the door on the best times of my life without any hope of ever being pregnant, giving birth or breastfeeding?

OP posts:
alypaly · 15/03/2010 23:36

supadoula go for it.....i am 53 and i would still like baby no 3.(unfortunately biological clock has ticked its last tock you are young

DolceeBanana · 15/03/2010 23:51

Hiya...sorry to hear about the mc. I think your DH probably doesn't want to add to your stress...but doesn't really understand that you'd 'prepared' yourself for another baby...we just can't help it. Biologically we are v different to men who seem more equipped to move on...and can mostly happily compartmentalise...

Anyway, I don't think you are in the least bit being unreasonable. I had my darling 3rd baby ( a very happy accident!!) at 40 (in Oct '09)...DH is 46...and we have a 3.5 and 2.5 y o's too!

We love it - 3 seems a large-ish family (but not too large IFYSWIM... Sit down and talk again about what this yearning means for you, and good luck.

ClarksPiestoAmmanford · 16/03/2010 00:32

I sympathise with how you feel, I'm 42 and have just one child, I was nearly 38 when he was born as a result of IVF.
Unlike you I didn't enjoy the baby phase much; I had bad PND and struggled to cope for a long time. But I love my son dearly and for the last couple of years have really, really longed to have another child. Part of that is due to wanting a sibling for DS I know, but mostly it just a natural urge to have another child I suppose.

However, DH really did not want another child, and although this makes me sad, I have accepted that there will be no more. I mean, if things had been different he would love another child, but a lot of his objections were based on fear of me becoming ill again and not coping, and how this would affect not only us, but DS as well.

We sat down & did a lot of talking & although it is not what I really want, I could see his concerns were valid and I know it would never be right to force him to try IVF again to please me. Not fair to him, to DS and to the potential child, to put that much strain into the relationship. So instead I focus on the fact that I was very lucky to have even one child through IVF. Yeah, it's not ideal, but then we can't have everything we want in life.

I feel for you, I really do, but I don't agree that because you would be the primary carer you get more say in the matter. I think you both need to sit down and talk frankly about why you do and don't want another child, but ultimately, it has to be a joint decision.

mumof2children · 16/03/2010 00:36

i think after all you went through with the loss of a baby, your oh may be scared of you MC again

ClarksPiestoAmmanford · 16/03/2010 00:42

Yes, mumof2children, I thought that too but forgot to add it to my ramble!

anyhow · 16/03/2010 01:39

AnneElliot - are you sure you meant to address your response to me, as it doesn't relate to anything I said.

anyhow · 16/03/2010 02:04

AnneElliot - sorry, misunderstood your second paragraph, so ignore my previous comment.

In response, we seem to be arguing the same point regarding the mother having more say so in things like BF. If you look again at my post, I said the mother should have more power in how the child is raised if she is the primary carer.

However, I do disagree that the mother has more say in any additional children. Surely a joint decision needs to be reached as there are alot bigger issues about bringing a child into the world than getting stretch marks and breastfeeding. A father may not have any physical implications to deal with, but as an equal in a relationship he should have an equal say in the decision to have further children.

AnneElliot · 16/03/2010 07:00

I think tbh all the advice is in the same ball park. I certainly wouldn't try and get pg unless DH was in agreement and going to be excited by a positive test!

But it is an area of my marriage where I would be prepared to argue my point very strongly - as I do think most of the work, life style changes to have children have been absorbed by me.

Someone posed the question that their DH is the main carer - does that give him more rights? I suppose, I sort of think it does give him more say than a working dad, with a sah wife. However, as for the mother, it is an enhanced right to push a case, not to have final say! However, as mum still needs to carry the child, bf etc etc so a weaker set of rights.

Anyway, I don't really mean to make this sound like a flow chart of rights with percentage points. Clearly this has to be a process of negotiation, and how that works in any marriage is going to be a little different.

However, if I desperately wanted another child though, and DH didn't - I think he would have to work very hard to persuade me his position was justified and get my agreement.

Morloth · 16/03/2010 08:45

You don't really need a reason to not have children, but you do need one to have them.

If he is adamant then you have to decide which is more important, staying together or a third child.

It sucks but there is no compromise on this one.

Original poster
supadoula · 16/03/2010 09:57

ClarksPiestoAmmanford, thank your for your comments. It sounds like you had a hard time too.
I don't know if I will ever get rid of this yearning for a third child. I just try and keep it so it doesn't overwhelm my life and the children's life.
I don't think DH is scared about me having another m/c. He wasn't really supporting when it happened and admitting during counselling that he was actually relieved...
Morloth, you got to the crunch, there. I don't want to throw away my marriage and two happy children though...

OP posts:
DinahRod · 16/03/2010 17:16

Maybe have an open, amicable conversation about it, where you honestly weigh up the cons and advantages. Dh & I always have our most profound conversations in the car, probably because he can't escape it relieves the tedium of the journey, and then just leave for him to dwell on. He knows at least how you feel and you've said your piece.

staranise · 16/03/2010 17:27

I sympathise with you in that I would not have felt that my family was complete without my third child (and I was lucky in that DH was even more keen than me for a third).

But I would question your focus on the pg and baby years - they go by so quickly and are such a small part of having a child in the grand scheme of things. Plus, just because your earlier two pregnancies etc were enjoyable doesn't mean a third would be too. I struggled with my third pregnancy due to sciatica, bfing was a nightmare thanks to repeated mastitis etc, and DC3's early months were generally a nightmare of colic, poorly children and exhaustion - not a lot of fun for my DCs 1 & 2.

I really hope you and your DH can find some resolution - my feelings of broodiness have only just recently disappeared and I'm so relieved!

mrsbean78 · 16/03/2010 17:33

Isn't the problem here that the OP's dh's decision is effectively a veto?
I'm not sure about 'splitting' responsibility numerically - I don't believe it can be quantified. However, I'm surprised at the 'no means no' attitude. So the OP should just give up her desires and wishes, there should be no discussion or negotiation, because the dh doesn't concur? Why is their conversation over? Why are the views of the partner who says 'no' more valid than those of the partner who says 'yes' in this no-compromise situation?

Morloth · 16/03/2010 17:37

People (men or women) should absolutely under no circumstances for any reason have babies they do not want if it is at all avoidable.

It isn't fair on the child, OP has my sympathy but just not wanting a child is enough of a reason not to have one so yes he does have veto on his having another baby, absolutely.

mrsbean78 · 16/03/2010 17:43

I agree with that sentiment where, say, a couple have discussed having children and agreed to have none and one partner changes their mind. However, in this situation, it seems to me that it is far from clear that the issue isn't related to the fallout from the last m/c - I wonder if the OP's dh doesn't want to face that particular consequence again and this is the real issue? The OP mentions that after the previous pregnancy, they had couples counselling. Clearly that loss had a major impact on their relationship.. so is this about saying no because he doesn't want another child or is it about saying no because he couldn't handle a further loss of pregnancy? The situation is a little different given that they had (obviously) previously decided to try for number three. In this case, I don't think it's okay to say that he has made the decision and it is final. I would never, ever advocate a woman getting pregnant without her partner's permission but I don't think that the discussion should be over.. just yet.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2010 17:49

'I can't accept that just because DH says so it is the end of the road'

Is he going for the snip then?

Because to me, if a person really means he/she doesn't want any more children, they'll take the responsibility for that decision and make sure their bodies are unable to procreate anymore.

Morloth · 16/03/2010 17:55

"Because to me, if a person really means he/she doesn't want any more children, they'll take the responsibility for that decision and make sure their bodies are unable to procreate anymore."

Nods. Totally agree with that.

After I am fully recovered from this pregnancy I will be having Essure because I do not want any more children. DH will be having a vasectomy because he does not want any more children.

We are lucky in that we are in agreement but I would be sterilised even if he disagreed with me. Because as much as I love him and we are together, it is important to me that I do not have another baby.

DarrellRivers · 16/03/2010 18:01

I suppose what niggles me is that essentially your DH's decision is the status quo.
Your decision to have a third is an active thing , whereas your DH's ideal situation is the default and I bet you are being responsible about it with regards to contraception.

People do change their minds, my DH did, and I never thought he would.
I always wanted another child rather than a baby.
DH does like the child idea but not the baby
It has been a long hard discussion and then, deciding to go for it, is not the same as getting pregnant.

What about changing to a less reliable form of contraception, or trying for a short period of time to see if you conceive?

Otherwise it is very hard turning off the voices in your head, and I worried what might fester in my relationship over the decision. Never told him that though, didn't want to emotionally blackmail IYSWIM
Someone on here once said, 'love what you have, not what you haven't' and it was useful advice.
Try to concentrate on the positive things in your life and see how that goes, things might change

DarrellRivers · 16/03/2010 18:02

And my suggestions were meant to be discussed with your DH rather than carried out independently

alypaly · 16/03/2010 18:50

soupadoula....the yearning never goes away...i wanted loads more......still do....and still get all broody when i see babies. Although i suffered from severe depression for years it still hasnt stopped me wanting more.

Jacanne · 16/03/2010 19:08

I am 40 and expecting my 3rd child (I was 39 when I conceived) - like you I had hoped to have my 3rd child earlier - it took us 18 months to conceive and then I miscarried at 12 weeks - we had just decided to give up when I fell pregnant with this one.

So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable I do now know that 3 is enough for me and I will not be wanting a 4th and there is such freedom in knowing that.

Whelk · 16/03/2010 19:41

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
Many interesting points have been made. I would add that in discussing and deciding things as a couple it can be frustrating that the 'negative' partner, i.e the one opting for the status quo will often 'win' a lot more easily than the one wanting to change (e.g another child, a house move, even a new car!!)

I can totally sympathise that you have an overwhelming desire for another child but I think the dcs that you do have do still really need you and it might be helpful to focus on doing things with them that wouldn't be possible with a baby in tow.

Original poster
supadoula · 16/03/2010 22:09

DarrellRivers , we don't use any contraception and DH hasn't done anything either! He just withdraws or doesn't ejaculate when we have sex. (which makes the whole thing very frustrating for me!)

I wish I could have an "accident" but it seems to happen to all my friends but me.....
Anyway, I wouldn't want to have child number 3 without DH's wanting it. It would be unfair on the child.

It just feels so hopeless. Having a child to me is an act of love. an DH saying NO feels like rejection.

Thanks for your messages of sympathy about my m/c. There is no reason it should occur again as it was an 'empty egg' and it just happens...

OP posts:
Original poster
supadoula · 16/03/2010 22:13

Oh, and I do "love what I have".
I spend a lot of time with my DCs and we have a great time together. . Sorry girls, but they are the most gorgeous, clever children in the whole wide world

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2010 22:14

'It would be unfair on the child.'

Then I'd tell him no more sex until he gets the snip.