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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want baby number 3 at 39?

90 replies

supadoula · 14/03/2010 21:08

2 years ago on mother's day, I had a miscarriage... it was an empty egg but a real pregnancy with all the great things from the first trimester (not!).
Now, 2 years later, DS is 4, DD is 6, I have had a breakdown, 5 months of Prozac, couple counselling and.... I still want a baby and DH is still saying no, his favourite excuse being he is too old now (he is 43) or that we already have a boy and a girl

should I just give up now and definitely close the door on the best times of my life without any hope of ever being pregnant, giving birth or breastfeeding?

OP posts:

Original poster

supadoula · 16/03/2010 22:17

Well... I'm the one with the highest libido so I'd be the one to be punished! I might give it a go though but I might have to wait for a long time!

OP posts:

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/03/2010 22:20

I think you both really need to start using some kind of contraception if he doesn't want another child. There is a very sad thread at the moment about an unwanted pregnancy and a difference of opinion on what to do about it, completely impossible situation. Withdrawal is pretty risky! Also, if he got a vasectomy it would be making it clearer to you that he really doesn't want another. At the moment, his refusal to use contraception is probably giving you some kind of subconscious hope.

Don't feel like it's a rejection because he doesn't want another baby! He's had two with you fgs!

pointydog · 16/03/2010 22:22

If you're having unprotected seex, there's a fairly high chance you'll get pregnant anyway.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2010 22:24

So, you desperately want a third, he doesn't use any contraception and you'd terminate if you become pregnant because, well, he doesn't want it.

Either you want another or you don't.

I'm confused.

Original poster

supadoula · 16/03/2010 22:29

I certainly wouldn't terminate!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 16/03/2010 22:34

'I think you both really need to start using some kind of contraception if he doesn't want another child.'

Why should she use anything? He never wants any more, he gets the snip and then uses a condom until he gets the all-clear letter through the post.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/03/2010 22:40

I think of condoms being used by both men and women. Him having a vas would be best, but condoms are second best. Some men just refuse to have the op, but will still kick up a horrible stink if an accidental pregnancy occurs. Condoms would be better than nothing.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2010 22:41

I despise condoms. But until DH gets the magic all-clear letter . . .

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/03/2010 22:43

Yeah they are shit, but if the woman doesn't want to go on the pill/have coil and the man doesn't want the snip, there's not a lot you can do but use them.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2010 22:45

Or he's waiting for hte magic letter.

Morloth · 17/03/2010 08:15

supadoula "DarrellRivers , we don't use any contraception and DH hasn't done anything either! He just withdraws or doesn't ejaculate when we have sex. (which makes the whole thing very frustrating for me!)"

Dear god that must be annoying. What exactly is his story then?

As expat says if he was serious about not wanting another he would do something about it.

You have more patience then I do.

DarrellRivers · 17/03/2010 09:30

But yes, his underlying reticence to use contraception sounds quite passive to me.
You may well have an accident if that is the contraceptive method he has opted for

tittybangbang · 17/03/2010 10:11

YANBU. There is no reasoning with those sorts of feelings, but if I was you I'd think long and hard about forcing the issue with your DH.

I had a third baby at 39. Already had a boy and a girl but couldn't quite bring myself to close the door on another baby, and conceived because I hadn't made a firm decision not to (so wasn't using protection consistently). In my case DH was happy - very happy - to have another baby. Probably more positive about it than I was.

But I've struggled a lot over the past 4 years - with exhaustion and depression. I adore my youngest but it's been hard. And now he's 4 and I'm 43 I STILL miss having a baby and breastfeeding!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/03/2010 11:54

Just catching up here.

I'm sorry, but there are some extremely mixed messages from your DH here. If he really really doesn't want a third baby, then he needs to take care of the contraception.

MorrisZapp · 17/03/2010 20:01

I was going to reply earlier but the convo has moved on I see. Ok, it sounds as if your DH is playing with fire a bit on this issue, although surely you know your most fertile days and could avoid these?

On a more general note, I think it is absolutely up to a man as much as a woman to say how many kids and when. The default position in a civilised country is not having kids unless you positively want them.

So imo the DH in this case doesn't have to provide good, convincing reasons to not have any more kids. All he has to do is say he doesn't want to - it's the OP who wants to bring another life into the world and it's up to OP to 'prove her case' so to speak.

There are a lot of these threads about and I always sympathise with the DHs, after all it's not just providing nappies and toys (which I'm sure you can afford) it's providing another university education etc, and hobbies in years to come.

Also, if you are so keen on the baby stage then in a few short years you'll be back where you started, with no baby to care for. How will you fill the void then? Another baby? How many? etc.

If it's pregnancy and babycare that you crave then it has a built in problem doesn't it - they all grow so quickly.

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