to want baby number 3 at 39?

[supadoula]

2 years ago on mother's day, I had a miscarriage... it was an empty egg but a real pregnancy with all the great things from the first trimester (not!).
Now, 2 years later, DS is 4, DD is 6, I have had a breakdown, 5 months of Prozac, couple counselling and.... I still want a baby and DH is still saying no, his favourite excuse being he is too old now (he is 43) or that we already have a boy and a girl

should I just give up now and definitely close the door on the best times of my life without any hope of ever being pregnant, giving birth or breastfeeding?

DinahRod, good question!
If I am honest to myself, I'd say I want another baby because my DCs are quite small still and although our relationship has evolved, they are still small and I can't imagine them being teenagers for example!

Hi Supadoula, I have a thread over on larger families meaning larger? family, that you might like to scan through, we have dd 3yr and ds 8 mths and I have been trying to decide if I should go for dc3 or not. Folks posted lots of interesting points for me to ponder.

I admit your situation is different in that my dh cannot decide either himself but he is def more on the lets leave it side.

I think that's a really good comment DinahRod made about baby or child? I know exactly what you mean though those precious baby times seem to go by so fast.

I think that you may have more time then you feel you have though, I have had my last baby at 41, maybe since you seem to have been going through a lot lately give it some time yet.

Maybe also dh is worried about the impact if you had another mc - on both your health and also your ds and dd? Had resolved that if I lost this one - had cramps and bleeds early on - that we wouldn't try again and to concentrate on ds and dd.

But also understand the argument that a 3rd is one more to love!

I agree with the others that this isn't an age issue. 39 would be fine to have another child - if you both want one. But your DH is being honest - he doesn't.

I think you need to focus on what you have. The best time of your life is definitely NOT over! Children become more fascinating as they develop from basically eating, sleeping and filling their nappies, into individual little people. Don't waste these precious years with the two children you have, pining for an imaginary child which you won't have.

I am so sorry about your mc.You are definitely not BU.I think your desire for a baby is very understandable especially after such a sad loss.Sorry you're so down,it sounds like you're finding things hard at the moment.Have you had counselling for your mc?Maybe try posting on miscarriage support?I hope things work out for you.In the meantime,remember to enjoy the two beautiful children you have.x

If you gave up a high flying city job in order to have and raise your babies then I think your DH is being unreasonable. Its shouldn't be a 50/50 decision IMO, it should be a 60/40 decision, with the ultimate decision lying with you because of what you've given up of your life so far, and because you are the one who will carry and care for the baby.
It is important for you to take your DH's feelings into consideration of course and if he'd rather not have another, then you should think twice and respect his opinion.
But I think your DH is wrong to deny you this, especially for the reasons he's given .
I hate it when people talk about "equality" between men and women when said equality favours the man. If your husband hasn't given up his job to care for the babies then his stake in the decision making with regard to how large the family should be is lessened.
Its erroneous to say that he is the provider ,because you always find the money from somewhere for another mouth to feed. you just have to make a few cut-backs on your lifestyle. You'll already have all the clothes you need for a child of either sex. And when all the kids are in school you could get job again if your DH is really concerned about cash.
I think you should push your case a bit more and go for it.

I disagree Sakura. I think it's a very dodgy game to start trying to quantify 'rights' - 60/40. To follow your argument to its logical conclusion, does the father in this scenario only have 40% responsibility, because he only has a 40% 'stake' in this child

I also think the argument about what one person has 'given up' is disingenuous. The OP says there is nothing she loves more than being pregnant and looking after young babies. You could reasonably conclude, therefore, that giving up a high flying job was no sacrifice at all - it was what she wanted to do! You could actually argue that she would have given up more if her DH had pushed her to stay in work so that he didn't have to be the sole earner! It's ridiculous to suggest that the person who remains in work has a lesser stake in deciding how big the family is. Most of the women I know who are a SAHM have actively chosen this - they wouldn't want to be the earner while their DH stays home.

I do agree with your point that generally a baby doesn't have to cost a huge amount, but the fact is, the OP's DH is saying that he is perfectly happy with two children and does not wish to father more kids. Thats entirely reasonable. The OP should focus on and enjoy what she has - which is two lovely children

Sakura - you are taking the piss surely.Of course both have an equal right to decide what's happening to their future. Trying to press another child onto the husband is unfair.

The OP says she couldn't think of a job which would be as atisfying as being pregnant again - I wonder whether that might be a reason for the broodiness.

Hi Supadoula,

Not sure if this helps but I was in your situation not so long ago - we have 3 dcs then I had mc. That pg was unplanned and now DH is adamant no more. I struggled with this literally for 2 years, tried to convince him etc. At one point I thought I was pg but it turned out to be false alarm. But DH's reaction to that showed me what it would be like to have a child only one of you wanted. Of course he would surely have come around to the idea in time - no choice - but our relationship would have been put under huge strain, I'm sure of that now.

What has happened since then is that I've completely come to accept that we are not going to have any more dcs. I never would have predicted my change in heart, I thought I would be one of those who never feels "finished". I'm enjoying my children instead of always wishing for another baby. I feel that phase of life is over, and it feels ok. I'm thinking about what I would like to do now my dcs are older and at school.

I know at the moment you won't be able to imagine this, and maybe your DH will change his mind, but if he doesn't, you will probably be able to accept that in time.

Good Luck.

I think Sakura has a good point. There is no equality here.

Have to say, I tend to agree with Sakura. Whilst I concur that it is obviously good to be in agreement with your other half, this doesn't mean all decisions need to be reached by 50/50 say so.

Mothers carry the majority of the phsyical consequences for motherhood (miscarriage, abortion, childbirth , breastfeeding, stretch marks etc) and the majority of the lifestyle change too (how many SAH Dads do you actually know?). It's irrelevant that mum may enjoy being a SAHM - that is in part governed by her biology/motherhood anyway - the point is that it is the lives of mothers that change out of all recognition when they have children - whilst for many fathers much of their life carries on as usual.

Because of my unique role as mother, I view myself as the principle parent in many areas, and expect to have more than equal say in many decisions. If my DH suggested that I had bf for long enough, for example, I would kick his bottom.

On the other, as DH's job is the main source of income to the family, for example, if he wanted to move to Wales for a promotion, I would give his desire to do so more than equal weight.

OP - I hope you are feeling a bit better today now the anniversary is passed. I think his reasons are a bit poor, and I would have no hestiation in (metaphorically) twisting his arm. good luck.

Being a mother and primary carer of your children may give you more say so in parenting decisions like how your child is raised, but I completly disagree it gives you more power in deciding to have another child. Having another child would impact on both parents.

I'm open to having a third child but my dh would like to stop at two. He is of the opinion he is too old, which is a valid reason. He would like to start thinking of our future as a couple and what we would like to do in later life. He is thinking about when he'd like to retire and would like for us to travel together and enjoy ourselves. By having a third child, this would impact on how he sees his/our life going.

The jury is still out on whether we will go for a third but I am prepared to listen to and consider my Dh reasons just as he is considering mine.

I think your best bet is to sit down with your DH and discuss the situation. You need to tell him how you feel, but also think about why he might not want another child. If it's money, then show him how another child would really affect the finances. It's very possible that he is concerned about your health if you had another m/c. I know that my DH felt this way after my first m/c, and it did take a while for him to understand that yes I was devastated, but I still wanted to try to get pregnant again, even though the risk was there. Once I reassured him that physically and emotionally I was okay, he was back on board.

As far as age, the upper limit seems to be different for everyone. Some don't want to have children after 40. We already had 2 children (DS1 is 25, DD is 23), but we now have 2 more (DS2 is 3, DS3 is 7 months), and we are both 44 years old. So it's certainly not impossible, and we are enjoying every minute of it.

Hope you both can come to a compromise. Maybe he'd be willing to try for a certain period of time - say 2 years - and then reevaluate the situation at that time.

anyhow most parenting decisions affect both parents - bf-ing can supress libido for example - it doesn't mean that Dad should have much of a say in how long it goes on..

I disagree with your main point.. I think the mother should have more say in an additional child. I concede that it should be 50/50 around the decision whether to have children at all or not.

Once you've taken the plunge, given up a high-flying career, and all the pleasures of a child-free life, mum should have more say.

well having given up a high flying career and all the pleasures of a child free like I have to say..... i think it is preposterous to suggest that I have more of a say than DH on whether we have more children or not.

What an extraordinary notion.

Having a child is not buying another car, it is not an emotionallty neutral thing. I wouldn't want to carry a child knowingthat DH was [meh] about it.
A child should be born into homes where both parents want nothing more than to have another child. If you don't both want a child then one person shouldn't be bullied into it.
Perhaps that is partly after having a child with severe disability. I am not sure how we would have coped with the additional pressure on our relationship from having DS2s issues to deal with if I had felt for a second that DH was coping with this when he hadn't wanted another child in the first place.

I will never understand this.

This should be an equal decision surely. I can't believe people are saying women should have a greater say because they've given up a career.

Perhaps your dh is concerned about you. You sound like you've had a tough couple of years.

That feeling might not go away even if you have no.3. Some women (not looking at myself here...ahem) always feel like they want another. If your dh is sure he doesn't want any more I think you should repsect that.

Thank you everybody for your comments. I can see that other people get passionate a bout this too! .
I find it very hard to accept DH's decision not to have any more children. Yes, I gave up my work and child free time for my DCs. I dont regret it because I enjoy it tremendously but DH should also listen to me. It has been 2 long years now and deep in my heart, I still want another child.
Triggles, thanks for your post. It proves that things can change, even after 2 grown-up children! Well done you!
DH and I are definitely trying to keep communicating on this but it is very emotionally charged now and I can't see any way out of it without any of us regretting it.

Am at the fact that so many people think that the mother should have more rights than the father over whether to have another child.

I think you need to have an incredibly frank discussion with your DH. Explain exactly how you feel, and ask him to honestly explain his reasons. Maybe he is worried about the impact a m/c would have on you, maybe he feels lucky to have what he has. Try to persuade him if you must, but you MUST accept that it is a joint decision.

What a sad anniversary for you, must be very difficult. My only thought is that from your last post, you sound like the relationship is suffering a lot under the decision-making process. It would be such a shame, having got two gorgeous children who you love parenting, to rock the relationship so much that the existing family suffers. It's not worth ruining what you already have. Secondly, I think it's bizarre to argue that the stay at home parent has more right to decide, my husband stayed at home more than me with my second; does that mean he has more rights to decide on a third child than me? Or does it only work like that for mothers? Finally, I have seen a friend of mine have a much wanted third child recently, they are still much wanted but they are disabled and this has already put their relationship under great strain. You need to have another child with him being at least neutral about it, if he's openly against it, then essentially you have lost your support for anything that happens with that child.

However, I think you should tell your husband that you feel this from the bottom of your soul and see what happens. He may reflect on it and decide that you being happy and his family being bigger is not the worst thing in the world and come on board.

I am wondering if , in addition to the anniversary if your mc, this is also an emotionally charged time because of the ages your DCs are right now. One at school, and the other, presumably, at school or nearly.

I found this to be a very hard time. I suddenly didn't really feel that I knew what I was "for" anymore. A well-educated SAHM, without children at home.

I know several people, who, when confronted with this. time thought - well how do I fill that time ? And a baby is an option - especially if you enjoyed that stage of parenting.

But it's easy to underestimate how much they need your full engagement at this age - and that will increase as they get even more into the academic and social machinations of school.

I am not like you, though. I did consider having another child, but basically I feel we are complete with two. My insight may not be at all relevant to you, but I wonder if, once this time has passed, you will find out what you want to do next, if that is not having another child

x posted with Seaside Lil. I do agree with what she says.

SeasideLil, i completely agree with you. I don't think work has anything to do with who decides to have a child and yes, having child number 3 has some risks and I can;t promise him that this child will be perfect in every way. I have close friends with a disabled child and it does make you think twice.
Yes, it is not worth throwing a marriage with two kids out of the window but it is hard to carry this everyday....

amieandhismagictorch, just read your post and it sounds a lot like me! yes, DS started school in September and I was absolutely dreading it!!
Maybe I need to find something to do that would be as exciting as having another child.
I'll keep looking

Hi, just wanted to say that I really hope things settle for you, it may seem like your present children are growing ever independant but they do really need you, as does your dh, I know it must be very hard to let go of the thought of more babies (I'm presently trying to talk myself round to sticking at two) but it sounds like you have a lot going on already. I haven't experienced a mc but I have a friend who almost always mentions the one she had, clearly it is a painful and disappointing, to say the least, burden to carry, but, things can improve with acceptance and hope.

I can't believe some people reckon mothers get the bigger say in whether a couple has another child. What a load of arse.

The day I force a child on someone would be the day I would expect them to bail on me, tbh.

I hope you manage to get to a place where you feel happier with your situation, OP. Maybe you are right in that you could look at other things to fill your life - there will come a point where it's impossible for you to have anymore babies! You will still have a lot of life left though.