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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent DH for going out?

76 replies

RelieRoo · 02/03/2010 19:04

I have a 5 week old DD, who is wonderful until it gets to around 5pm, when she turns into a screaming banshee. She wants to either feed or be cuddled constantly and screams even when doing both things. There's nothing 'wrong' with her, I just assume this is fairly normal behaviour for such a small baby?

Anyway, I find evenings really hard to cope with on my own, but DH has a really stressful job and went out last week for a vent with a colleague from work and came home hammered at about half 11. We had a massive row into early morning, with me crying myself sick because I felt so unsupported and alone.

Anyway, he's going out again tonight and although I know he needs time to unwind, I really resent him for going out while the eveningsare so hard. Surely he can wait a few weeks for the evenings to get better before ge resumes his social life? I'm sitting in the dark with my scre\ming baby, white noise playing and only MN for my sanity. What should I do, AIBU, and a bit moany and pathetic?

OP posts:
Original poster
RelieRoo · 02/03/2010 19:05

Christ, sorry for such a long post

OP posts:
rochester · 02/03/2010 19:09

Poor you. Partners can be so anoying sometimes
Don't have any advice to give realy as my first baby is not due untill June (so I have all this to come!)
But just wanted to say hi so you don't feel like you are totaly alone there with that screaming bundle of joy ?

mo3g · 02/03/2010 19:12

YANBU i would expect my dh to support me through these first weeks in fact he has done 3 times and he wouldnt have left me in that situation. He knows how upset you were last time hopefully he wont be late, could he not arrange time out when you have mum/sister/friend to keep you company and help with baby. Hope your dd settles and you can put your feet up with a cuppa and mumsnet.

skidoodle · 02/03/2010 19:15

Jesus, no YANBU. At all. You poor thing.

You don't get to indulge your "need" for time to unwind when you have a newborn. You get to do your bloody share and pull your weight until things settle down.

I'm not sure it is "normal" for a 5 week old baby to scream for hours like that, although I've been having similar problems with my 4 week old DD intermittently. I'm pretty sure that in her case she gets really bad trapped wind. When she cries she seems to be in pain (have had this at other times of the day, but most often from around 6.30ish) and I've found that my usual "boob first" approach has made her worse rather than better.

We have a toddler that my DH puts to bed whilst I deal with DD2 but last night when she was awake crying for until about midnight, he made dinner and then took over baby duty from me at around 10pm.

We both would love some time to unwind, but right now we have newborn, so there's work to be done.

I imagine either of us taking ourselves off and leaving the other alone to deal with a screaming baby alone for an evening. That is just shit.

larks35 · 02/03/2010 19:15

I remember those early days and our DS would be similar in the evenings and I looked forward to DP coming home to take a bit of pressure off me. However, on I did encourage him to go out on the odd occasion to unwind with his mates. Those early days are hard on dads too, and I know it used to cut my DP up that he couldn't pacify DS with boobs in the way I could. As long as it isn't all the time, maybe you could let him have the odd night out? (Bank 'em all up for when you can leave DD with him and get out yourself!)

Original poster
RelieRoo · 02/03/2010 19:19

Skidoodle, I think sometimes she does get very bad trapped wind too, but it seems to be a revolving variety of things that make her cry - I solve one thing and along comes another!

Thanks everyone, it makes me feel a lot better to just have some interaction!

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skidoodle · 02/03/2010 19:20

"let him have the odd night out? "

vomit

it's not about letting.

what kind of a useless fucker wants to be out drinking with his friends while his wife is at home stressed out and alone trying to deal with a screaming newborn?

those early days are hard on Dads that do their damn share. they are not hard on lazy, shirking bastards that expect the woman to do all the work while they "unwind".

skidoodle · 02/03/2010 19:23

RelieRoo

yes, I know what you mean. It's why it's so good to be able to hand over to someone else - they come with some fresh approaches.

I think sometimes when they get into that kind of state they get totally overtired and just can't settle themselves. Yesterday DD2 was awake solidly from 2.30 until nearly midnight. That is a very, very long time for a newborn baby. If she slept that long in one go I would probably freak out and try to wake her up in case she starved.

posieparkerfuckityfuck · 02/03/2010 19:24

My dh took himself out many many times, eight years on he still puts himself first.

I would have serious words with your DH, this is not about who can be the most generous and understanding wife...if he wants to unwind suggest he takes the baby for a long walk with an iPod! This is about you needing a fecking break. You are both parents of a new born.

laweaselmys · 02/03/2010 19:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. However I think it is hard for some people who have never BF a baby in those circumstances to understand that as a mother you don't get to have a break at all and how demanding that is.

I think you have two options but the main point of both is that you really need to talk to your DH and make sure he understands how you are feeling.
The first is that maybe you express or use formula and get your DH to take over one of those feeds every day in the crazy patch until it is over (if you vary the time you give it IME it won't affect your supply, especially since if you stop using bottles when you don't need them your baby will just feed more to stimulate your supply at that time of day). It will give you a break to go for a walk and try and return your sanity.

The other is to ask your DH to take over for a whole evening. Once he has done it on his own he will understand what it's like!

skidoodle · 02/03/2010 19:28

Oh, good idea about getting him to do a feed of EBM. DH does this. It is always the feed before we go to bed that he does and I express in the evening. I've never had any supply problems, but I tend to have a very good supply in general so not necessarily a good guide for everyone.

laweaselmys · 02/03/2010 19:35

I still vividly remember the absolute relief of giving DD to DP at 2am for a bottle when I just couldn't take it anymore.

I think sometimes (when we BF) we put too much pressure on ourselves. There's so much misleading information out there on both sides of the BF/FF debate that I think you can get bogged down in only doing one. I would say I had a pretty average supply and DD still only had one bottle a day and BF the rest at 11 1/2 mths, which she has since she was 10days! So I like to recommend the odd bottle. It is a massive sanity savour (whether it contains EBM or Formula).

Whoamireally · 02/03/2010 19:36

You poor thing, new babies are always tough and it sounds like you're bearing the brunt of it with the colic

Unfortunately, in my limited experience, it takes men a while for 'new dad' mode to fully engage (i.e. by the time your offspring start demanding pocket money ) and he probably hasn't stopped to think how bloody awful it is to look after a baby, by yourself, all day and then, just when you think you might get a break, all evening too

Remember blazing row with insensitive husband after DD1 arrived - if it helps to know that he is now the most amazing dad since DD2 came along, but it took a while for everyone to settle into their new role?

Some blokes are just so daunted by their new responsibilities (i.e. being financially responsible for a whole family) that they freak out a bit at first and seem to do the opposite of what you want and need them to do - I mean, if you had the luxury of being able to walk away from a screaming baby and know someone else would deal with it, wouldn't you too? But it always settles down!

Mumsnet will get you through - in a few week's time things will be different. Promise.

Original poster
RelieRoo · 02/03/2010 19:38

He does usually dp what he can, to be fair, and I know he sometimes feels useless because he can;t calm her like I can (though I'm trying to encourage him to give her expressed milk and spend more time holding her, so she gets used to him).

I'm sure she is overtired, but seems to be hungry a lot in the evenings, and doesn't like being put down, so I end up in the dark with this bloody white noise playing just to calm her down!

I think we just end up playing the 'who had a worse day and is more tired' game. Not sure there's ever a winner or a solution.

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MmeLindt · 02/03/2010 19:39

YANBU

He needs to be there for you. Plenty of time for him to have his nights out when your baby is a bit older. For these few short months he has to put you and your baby first.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 02/03/2010 19:40

as an aside I think your baby could do with seeing a Cranial Osteopath as she sounds like something's hurting. Tiny babies don't tend to scream for no reason as they are unaware of the effect they have on parents. My 2 both had trapped wind and both saw an Cranial Sacral Therapist who said that the forceps had squashed some small bones in their skulls. They had 2 treatments and none of us looked back...so much so that I am training to become one! Your dh probably feels useless so would rather distance himself, I would speak to him more out of sorrow than anger and explain how you are feeling. Good luck.

DrNortherner · 02/03/2010 19:42

Oh I remember the whole 'I'm more tired thn you argument' I also remember resenting dh for getting on with his normal life while I was going stir crzy with a new baby. Unfortunatley screaming and crying at him will probably make things worse.

Can you organise a night out? Leave him at home with dd, go out for a drink, to the cinema, or even to a friends house for some time out?

skidoodle · 02/03/2010 19:48

The winner of "who had a worse day" is the person who spent the day looking after the new baby.

Getting to leave the house and go back to your old life is a blessed relief compared to dealing with the new and terrifying responsibility that is your new baby.

He gets hours and hours out of the house every day interacting with other adults and thinking non-baby thoughts. To take even more hours for "unwinding" while you get to spend even more time at home alone with the baby you are equally responsible for is not fair.

Sympathies on sitting around in the dark (trying to MN with one hand on little computer?).

Original poster
RelieRoo · 02/03/2010 19:51

Thanks munchkins, I was thinking about cranial osteopathy. There's one who is supposedly very good, near us. I'll sort it out tomorrow.

Actually, my NCT group is all going out tomorrow but I'm feeling really unwell ATM so am unsure whether I'll be up for it. Also feel a little hypocritical, going out after making such a fuss about being left with the baby myself. Of course, this has been organised for weeks and he's alwaysknown about it and supported it, whereas he springs his nights out on me about 4 hours before he does it...

OP posts:
Original poster
RelieRoo · 02/03/2010 19:53

ha ha, skidoodle you have me totally down to a t! very slow typing with left hand, trying to see keys by light of the screen!

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mazzystartled · 02/03/2010 19:54

YANBU

of course parents of young children should be able to get out and socialise, but hell fire he could wait just a few weeks, when the going is tough. he should be at home making you a decent supper and taking his turn holding the baby.

take care, OP , it does get better, the first 6 weeks are the worst.

it might be worth getting your dd checked out btw, my friends wee girl was extremely unhappy - beyond normal fretfulness in the evenings - turned out she had reflux which was really painful for her, but quickly sorted.

skidoodle · 02/03/2010 20:02

well I've been doing rather a lot of that myself recently

I'm impressed if you are up for going out tomorrow. I'm not feeling unwell and I'm not fit for going out in the evening.

Going would be the opposite of hypocritical. It's very important to have some balance in these things so you both understand each other.

MmeLindt · 02/03/2010 20:07

Dh used to come home and we would both go for a walk with DD in her pram. Granted, she was an April baby so you would all have to wrap up warmer now but it is a nice way to spend some time together.

We used to stop for a glass of wine cup of coffee in one of the beergardens.

ladymarian · 02/03/2010 20:10

YANBU

I relied on my DH being there in the evenings when our DD was a newborn - some days I was waiting at the door for him to come home so I could hand DD over to him!!

Don't let the fact that you are BF be used as an excuse for you to do the lion's share. I BF at the beginning and it worked well for me to just feed her and hand her over to Daddy for winding and settling. It gave me a bit of a rest and let him bond with his daughter.

Defo go on the night out you have arranged and try to speak to him when you are calm to tell him that you need him there in the evenings for the next few weeks.

Good luck and you have my sympathies - looking after a newborn can be hell on earth but it does get better x

sungirltanhasanactualhairstyle · 02/03/2010 20:14

yanbu - there will always be nights out in the future he isn't missing out. a new baby is about the most demanding job anyone can do - he needs to have a word with himself and stop copping out.

my dd (now 5 months) had a good yell at 5/6pm every day until she was 3 months then it magically stops. but thats not the point. seriously? 5 weeks and hes already leaving you to it - unreasonable!!

meanwhile try bathing the baby - worked for us - dd calmed right down but agree with other posters - if normal methods of baby calming arn't working maybe you should see gp/hv/etc