to resent DH for going out?

[RelieRoo]

I have a 5 week old DD, who is wonderful until it gets to around 5pm, when she turns into a screaming banshee. She wants to either feed or be cuddled constantly and screams even when doing both things. There's nothing 'wrong' with her, I just assume this is fairly normal behaviour for such a small baby?

Anyway, I find evenings really hard to cope with on my own, but DH has a really stressful job and went out last week for a vent with a colleague from work and came home hammered at about half 11. We had a massive row into early morning, with me crying myself sick because I felt so unsupported and alone.

Anyway, he's going out again tonight and although I know he needs time to unwind, I really resent him for going out while the eveningsare so hard. Surely he can wait a few weeks for the evenings to get better before ge resumes his social life? I'm sitting in the dark with my scre\ming baby, white noise playing and only MN for my sanity. What should I do, AIBU, and a bit moany and pathetic?

totally agree with the majority of posters here - that time of night is crap and I used to pretty much throw DS at DP the minute he'd changed out of his suit! One thing we did do which I think was really good for our relationship was recognise the danger of the "who is more tired / done more" type arguments and had a conversation about the fact that we wouldn't do it! To be fair, DP is pretty brilliant and we have both had lot of nights off, but still - also agree that ebm or formula is the way to go if you really want DH to take on a "fair" share. I mix fed from birth and it worked really well for us. hang in there - it really does improve

At my wits' end and really can't cope - just been on the phone to him and he was sitting down to dinner while I'm here, starvinf because we have no food in the house and I can't do anything while feedin/calming baby anyway.

He's now left the restaurant and is coming home, but only after a big screaming match and him telling me that he's 'never been more angry' that I embarassed him in front of his friend.

Was on the verge of grabbing stuff and going to my parents' for the night but that wouldn't solve anything except my immidate loneliness and I'd rather not involve anyone else. Terrified of the argument that will happen once he's home. When he gets like this he absolutely refuses to see my point of view at all and I get really desperate and start thinking awful things. I suppose it's my own fault for giving him a hard time.

in the mean time going to try getting in the bath with her, thanks

Your own fault??? Hmm, what a thing for him to say...never been more angry indeed. YANBU. When he gets home just tell him that you too have never been more angry than you are now, he shouldn't be just leaving you to get on with it!

oh god what a total knob head - sorry i know thats not helpful but feel furious for you!

sitting down to dinner with his friend....wtf!? so he can go out and have a meal in peace leaving you alone with his baby. i am shocked

oh you poor thing - show your DH this thread, he is being an arsehole. He isn't facing up to his resposibilities and you are having a harder time because of it.

That aside are you getting any help during the day? Put baby in the car and go and visit your mum she will more than happily do cuddles while you get some headspace.

Have a word with your health visitor and ask her if there are any local baby massage groups, this was brilliant for DD and relaxing for me to.

I hope that your DH sees he is going wrong, is he having trouble adapting to being a dad - i would have freaked out if he left me alone after work etc. Your DH needs to get more hands on - so, at the weekend, you are going to go out on your own, for a coffee and your DH is going to have his daughter.

YANBU- I still quake, 3 babies later, when I remember the 5 O'clock- 10 O'clock screaming marathon that dd1 used to put us through. I needed my DH there or I would have gone insane, and I am a fairly independant person!

On the worst evenings, DH used to take her out for a long drive- she would sleep and I could try to collect my shattered mind. Had he gone out for a nice relaxing evening to himself he would have been sitting down to his own goolies for dinner the next night!

NO job is more stressful than being a new mum with a inexplicably crying baby for hours on end- if anyone needs time out, it is you!

Relie, he really shouldn't be leaving you on your own in the evenings at this stage. Not when the baby is so hard to deal with. Even if he can't calm her like you can, he can be there to support you/make tea/clear up/generally keep the house running.

He is being unreasonable and mean and I think you do need to step on this tendency he is seeming to develop to think that the baby is all your responsibility.

do agree with Lucyellens that he needs sole charge of his daughter - do take her advice and go out even for a couple of hours each weekend so that he and your DD get used to coping alone together. It's really valuable for him to have sole charge of her.

I hope your husband is reasonable when he gets home.

Actually last weekend he booked me a massage and looked after her for the hour and a half in the morning that I was out. He's great when he wants to be, but weekends aren't the problem, it's evenings. I'm probably extra tired in the evenings too, which must make it harder.

He's come home and set up camp on the sofa, apparently he now wants to look after DD all night in the living room. Also he 'doesn't want to be anywhere near' me. Felt horrible hearing that, most things I do are about/for him or the baby.

He's also just gone outside for a smoke and I feel really uneasy about him beung around her after a cigarette. What should I do? Don't want to antagonise him any more...

YANBU.Some people have a gift for twisting an argument and making it all the other persons fault. Please don't let your husband do this to you when he gets home. The baby is as much his responsibility as she is yours. He can't behave like a child and abdicate responsibility. He should be taking care of you and shouldn't want to be out, knowing that you are alone and struggling! That said, a lot of couples go through a dodgy patch when very tired and unused to being parents. Wouldn't go to my parents because they have long memories and when this blows over and you and your husband have resolved things, you mum and dad will remember you being unhappy and will never quite forgive him. This will not help you in the long run. Sorry you are having such a tough time

you poor poor thing

you shouldnt be worried about antagonising him

does he usally have a temper?

The first few months are very hard for you both, lots of adjusting. Much empathy.

I would let him look after her tonight - until he calls for help. I find once my DH spends a bit of time with the DC on his own, he is much more appreciative of why I am grumpy/tired.

go and have a rest then if he's taken her, even begrudgingly. maybe leave it for tonight but in the morning suggest that you agree a time to talk things through calmly.

So he thinks he can leave you alone with a screaming baby and no food in the house? Did he know there was no food? Was he supposed to bring shopping home, or money for you to go shopping or something?
Unfortunately, while the arrival of the first baby is always difficult for couples, if the relationship prior to the birth had always involved the woman putting the man first, then the man usually expects to carry on getting all his needs met and becomes unreasonable when he has to start thinking about someone other than himself for a bit.
Some men, even selfish ones, shape up after a talking to. Others get worse. Red flag for me would be the fact that he appears to be trying to punish you for asking him to have a little consideration.

bloody hell, just read your update - what a total tosser - by all means go to your mum's and on no account think this is your fault. You have every right to ask him to come home when he shouldn't have been out in the first place. (or even if you'd said he could go and you then needed him). thats the reality of having such a LO. a day at work might be tiring, might need winding down from, but it is NOT the same as being at home with a newborn feeling like you are on your own. sending hugs and a kick in the arse for daddy.

Don't feel horrible, he's trying to manipulate you, he wants you to feel crap about yourself so you'll apologise and tell him you were in the wrong for wanting him to be with you instead of out with his friends.

By claiming he's going to look after her in the living room all night, he's trying to make you feel guilty for asking him for help, he's trying to use her as a weapon against you.

Bloody hellfire, if it helps you are not alone. I am SURE that a lot of 'dh's go through this immature huffing and puffing when babies enter their lives.

Take a deep breath. Let him take dd whilst you have a bath/have something (anything) to eat.

FWIW I got a sarcastic "oh ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THE MOTHER OF THE YEAR" on my FIRST night back from hospital when I suggested the dd might need winding. And on his first day back to work after parternity leave (my first day at home all alone with DD who ALSO had the colicy witching hours you describe) he went to the pub and came home late stating 'you wouldn't believe the day I have had.'

Go to bed. Take the baby if she is calm. And have a serious talk with dh in the morning...

he is also making it look like this is a crisis - suggesting that either you might not be able to cope (needing support/a break is v diff from not coping!) or that you are being unreasonable.

my dh is saying 'he needs to realise he is now a dad - dads are no longer footloose and fancy free, they are dads. a night out once in a blue moon is ok for either parent but not a regular thing, certainly not to the detriment of your relationship'

the bit that gest me is him having a meal out. (esp remembering that i ate all my meals whilst feeding dd at the same time in the first few weeks) i think if it was my dh i might not have minded so much if he had come home, helped with the baby for a bit, made sure i had something to eat/other helpful task and then sloped off for a pint later on.

Those first few weeks are hellish with a new born and your husband is being SO selfish..but on a practical note, try taking the baby for a walk at 4ish so she can have a nap. I found with my 2 that they went into meltdown early evening because they were so tired. A 30 minute nap at 4pm gives them the energy to feed and get through to 7 ish.

I will never forget the blazing row me and my hubby had after he came home from work one evening when our son was 4 weeks old and asked me'what have you been doing all day?' Aaarrggh men - they just don't get it!!

What a fucking pig! Seriously, show him this - you are coping really well - it is HIM who is not coping - fucking off out with his mates - how very dare he! I cannot BELIEVE he has done this, im so angry for you.

Look, all you can do tonight is take yourself off to bed - let him calm down, his choice to sleep on the sofa. Hopefully he will have time to reflect and realise what a selfish arse he is being.

You seem scarred of him, please tell me you are not scarred of him??

You need some support, please talk to your HV - you need something to help you through the days so the evenings arenot so fraught.

~Its early days, it DOES get easier, you find your routine and being a mum is lovely - knackering but lovely.

Keep us posted, we do care - this is a great resource, but its not actual rl support which is what you ultimately need.

Mr relly - Step up to the plate Mister - you are an adult aren't you?? You have a baby now and you need to start acting like you have someone relying on you 100% becuse that is what your little girl needs!

Oh, you poor thing. That age was horrific. Our daughter also did the afternoon/evening scream thing for weeks on end, no reason, tried everything. And I was the only one who could soothe her, and it was just awful.

Your husband is being a total twat. I'm sure it's adjustment stuff - when I feel trapped and hard done by and tired I want someone to get angry at too. But I can't get angry at the fact that I have a child and don't get to swan around, and it's no-one else's fault that my life is sometimes hard (mostly wonderful, but you know how it is at 3 am), so I swallow it. Your husband is angry at having to grow up, it's not that you've done anything wrong, he's just taking it out on you.

Please try and get some sleep tonight, and see if you can get some help during the days from family or friends. My mother was a lifesaver at this stage, just holding the baby so I could shower or whatever.

And DON'T say it's your fault for giving him a hard time! You are hungry and stressed and lonely and he's having a nice restaurant meal with his friend, and HE gets to be angry at YOU? Tosser.

Hi relieroo, I just wanted to add my support my dd1 screamed from 5pm - 9 /10pm for weeks. It was utterly hellish and I remember telling my dp at the time that I wouldn't be having any more children because there was absolutley no way I would put myself through this again. My dp understood totally because once it became clear that this was a nightly occurence he would come home early so that he could be there to help, cook me dinner and play pass the screaming baby until she would finally feed and sleep. I'm not telling you this to upset you iyswim, but I just read your post to my dp and he was gobsmacked.

He says how can someone sit there relaxed and having a meal when the person that they love is stressed upset hungry and tired. He could do something about it and has chosen not to. Its a "control mechanism" , he's sending you a message. how could someone behave like that to someone they love? His behaviour is more that of a toddler competing for affection when the new baby turns up than an adult.

With my dd the only thing that really really helped was for me to sing to her, happy cheerful songs that I knew the words to it seemed to distract her, giving her something to listen to and to be honest I was able to concentrate singing rather than listening to her scream.

One day I recall rushing home to be there before she started. And she didn't. It was all over.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough evening, but you need to be firm on this one. He is in the wrong, not you. Don't let him turn this round. You can cope , but you need the back up that you thought you would have.

good luck

ps meant to add, we now have 4 dc's and it was only dd1 who screamed like that, but I will never forget it..

Your poor thing. My DD1 had colic and exactly the same thing used to happen. 5pm would hit and she would just cry inconsolably until 11pm\midnight. It was so stressful and I'd often end up in tears. The only thing that seemed to calm her was going for a drive. That used to give me 20 mins of rest bite before she'd wake and start all over again. It lasted until she was about 3 months.

I think you need to speak to your DH (tomorrow when you're calmer!)and tell him again that you really need him home. I think men are somehow better able to ignore crying than women so perhaps he doesn't realise just how stressful it is for you? I was lucky and my DH used to come home and immediately take her out of the house for a walk so I could escape the crying.

I used to also get caught up in a loop of thinking, I need to check if she is hungry, wet nappy, wind etc. I would constantly be checking all these things which I think added to the stress of it all. One day my MIL said sometimes babies just need to cry so I would check once for the all the obvious and then let her cry on my lap within 10 mins she would always be asleep (wouldn't be asleep for long though) but I found that somehow easier to cope with than going through a constant cycle of checking everything.