to resent DH for going out?

[RelieRoo]

I have a 5 week old DD, who is wonderful until it gets to around 5pm, when she turns into a screaming banshee. She wants to either feed or be cuddled constantly and screams even when doing both things. There's nothing 'wrong' with her, I just assume this is fairly normal behaviour for such a small baby?

Anyway, I find evenings really hard to cope with on my own, but DH has a really stressful job and went out last week for a vent with a colleague from work and came home hammered at about half 11. We had a massive row into early morning, with me crying myself sick because I felt so unsupported and alone.

Anyway, he's going out again tonight and although I know he needs time to unwind, I really resent him for going out while the eveningsare so hard. Surely he can wait a few weeks for the evenings to get better before ge resumes his social life? I'm sitting in the dark with my scre\ming baby, white noise playing and only MN for my sanity. What should I do, AIBU, and a bit moany and pathetic?

Goodness me- maybe it's been a long time since I had my babies, but I remember the witching hour well.

This time is hard on both of you.

If the odd few hours once a week or a fortnight can re-charge your husband enough to be happy and helpful, for god's sake let him pop out for a few beers. It's not like he's going to lapdancing bars! He can't go for a nao when the baby does, but he won't be sleeping well either, even if you do th enight feeds. Give the guy a break. You look after him, and he'll look after you. Win-win.

I am absolutely NOT minimising your hard time, just saying with some perspective that the biggest support to you right now is him- so cut him some slack. He is not being lazy- he is working, and loves you. Try to keep him in better shape than you are so he can be your rock, because you'll need it. If he is only going out occasionally, it really is better in the long run for all of you. You certainly don't want to be rowing about it- he is doing a good job, from everything you've described.

To be honest I don't understand why women hanker so much for a baby only to want someone else to look after it the second it is born.
If he is out working in order to provide for his family, then he is entitled to go out and unwind.
New mums should use the time when new dads have gone out for an "unwinding session" to sort out things like "bonding", bottle washing..those pesky things start to pong pretty quickly...planning for the recommencing of a sex life (new dads cant keep on waiting too long and the definition of episiotomy is a small J shaped incision so it's not as if it was a huge cut)

With new dad out of the way,there is plenty of time, as demonstrated by the OP, for mumsnetting to get advice about schools, benefits etc etc and I suspect that being aware of mumsnet, new dad will obviously be demonstrating his caring side by regularly making himself scarce, allowing new mum time to herself to peruse the AIBU threads for nuggets of wisdom such as advice on whether MIL should be allowed to dictate the ending of BF and commencement of solids (no she shouldn't it's a dads' decision to reassign the babies bag meals to original spec)and whether it's acceptable for DH to be looking at porn which frankly is going to become an issue if commencement of conjugal rights isn't forthcoming.

So lots to think about here but I suppose all i am saying is........ swings and roundabouts people....swings and roundabouts......

But BOF. Don't you think that to leave someone with a screaming baby when you know they are upset stressed etc is just mean?

I wouldn't do that to my dp! He wouldn't do that to me. We are a team, a partnership. I honestly cannot imagine relaxing in a nice comfortable restaurant eating a meal when I know full well that my dp is at home holding the fort in the dark with no dinner and a screaming baby.

I couldn't sit there in the knowledge that my lovely relaxing evening was on the back of his shitty crappy one. Sorry can't do that.

Team kitkat, we help each other. We are stronger for it and right now I think the op is in the most need of a night out not her dp.

He needs to re think his priorities imvho.

He needs to go out at short notice leaving his wife with no food while he dines at a restaurant so she can continue looking after the baby she's had all day alone while he relaxes after a day at work, in a job he's presumably perfectly well able to do and has been doing at least adequately for years, so that he can be her ROCK?

A "rock" doesn't leave his hungry, lonely wife alone with a newborn. He doesn't make out that the job he's managed to do for years has suddenly become as hard as a completely new and overwhelming experience just so he can do some nice relaxing at his exhausted wife's expense, a rock doesn't punish his wife for calling him to come home when she can't cope alone.

The last thing this lazy, mean, selfish git needs is looking after. He's far too good at looking after himself.

Here here skidoodle
Relieroo I really hope you get to have your say and he understands what is expected of him to support you and therefore realise a happy family unit.
He will, in fact all of you, will benefit from a joint approach of mutual support and dependancy.
If he can't or won't see that then maybe you should get your mum into the house and let him see to what level of support you need.

Wow, thanks for all the messages of support, and BOF, I do understand what you're saying, but most of the time I do support him; he's always calling me during the day to vent about work, invariably I shop and cook (though he has done this more since DD was born) and I still give him the occasional foot rub, though of course he does get less attention than he used to and I probably do get really over tired and emotional sometimes, so maybe I should calm down and cut him some slack. He did know there was no food in the house and offered to transfer me some money so I could get a takeaway, but I told him not to as I couldn't really get my head around choice and ordering, for some reason. I know that sounds ridiculous.

I'm not afraid of him, I just know him, and I know that when he gets angry there is no way he'll ever see my point and I just get more upset while he pulls away more.

I was supposed to be going out tonight but he just told me that he won't be finishing work until 8 (everyone's meetiing at 7 and we're all new mums so it's going to be a quick one, so me getting there at 9 does mean the tail end of the night), and when I suggested a babysitter until he gets back, he vetoed it because it would have to be a professional rather than someone we know (which I prefer actually, as noone we know has babies. But anyway.) I'll do what I can to get out.

I would like to make it clear to ILIVE... that I didn't 'hanker' after a baby, we both did. And I'm not looking for someone to hand her over to, I just need a bit of help after looking after her by myself for so long. I certainly did not want someone else to look after her the second she was born, I love being with her, it just gets a bit hard and I appreciate help from her other parent, who wanted her just as much as I did. And, although sex isn't anything to do with this thread, we have managed it a few times since the birth. Have you actually had an episiotomy? I didn't, as it happens, which is why I was able to have sex 10 days after the birth, but it still hurt like hell. I came on here asking for support and advice, not for a discussion about the quality of discussion on MN as a whole. It appears that you're looking for a way to attack people rather than give genuine advice, and after the night I had, I'd rather you did it somewhere else, please.

Thanks to everyone else, you have made me feel like I'm not alone, though I realise I need RL support too.

So he's managed to torpedo your planned night out?

Why won't he be home at the agreed time so that you can get out?

Why the fucking fuck does he get a veto on childcare?

Are you kidding me?

He is refusing to come, vetoing babysitting options and basically FORCING you to stay at home?

Controlling much?

Sorry, this combined with him giving you shit for "embarrassing" him in front of his male peers by making (completely legitimate) demands on his time is a pretty big red flag to me.

The only reason he had to be embarrassed yesterday was that the people he was with might have realised what a heartless bastard he was dining out with them whilst his wife was struggling with a colicky newborn and had no food in the house.

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about saying "sorry, duty calls guys" and going home to do your duty.

The way he treated you last night was fucking appalling and it seems to me that he's continuing to punish you today by making it impossible for you to go out.

Choose whatever damn babysitter you please. If he's not prepared to be home to do his share, then it's entirely your call.

relieroo - no no no no!! you sound like you are resigning yourself to taking the blame for all this. please dont feel like that!!

my dh is sitting here astonished saying 'what a fecking weasel!!!' - i read out the bit about the takeway. coming home and making you beans on toast would have been more supportive/meaningful!!

meanwhile how are you getting on in the day? are you getting out much?

YANBU

My husband felt that he could continue just as he did before when we had our son, and he did.

Every day, almost, he went down the pub from 6 pm for an hour or so to unwind. The exact time that our son was a screeming mess. Came back just when he had gone to sleep generally. As I was BFing I guess there was little he could do anyway but even so...

It was worse when he was a little older and I would get him settled, he would hear Daddy come in, want a story from him, and then need to be settled again BY ME! That was when I got REALLY annoyed!

I don't know, I would just try and focus on the positive - that he is there for you and the baby most nights.

Oh, you poor thing.

It does sound like he is the one who isn't coping very well with the arrival of your baby and the implications on his lifestyle - and you are the one who is bearing the brunt of it.

Is there any way you can get a babysitter and go for a quiet meal together? Maybe then you could talk this through? I'd advise setting some ground rules, e.g. no raised voices, no accusatory phrases 'You always do X' 'You never do Y' etc. Try to be clear about what your bottom line is. What do you want/need? then let him state his needs. There has to be compromise, though, and he has to recognise that.

If it's any consolation, my relationship with my DH was dreadful after the birth of our first child. I felt so exhausted and vulnerable and needy, and it took him a good while to get the fact that he was going to have to put his hormonal wife and tiny new baby above his football outings and business drinks. He did get it in the end, though, and has turned out to be a very supportive DH and father in the long run.

skidoodle just said everything I was thinking and put it way better than I could.

He is controlling you. He wants you to be dependant and beholden to him in a way which is not nice.

The thing I like about mn is that not everyone is your friend. Your friend won't tell you the truth about you man because of the repercussions on your friendship.

Your dp is a knob. He needs to be told he's a knob and he needs to sort himself out.

You need to take yourself out of his control.

Either take your baby with you tonight or go and visit some friends so you are out of the house.

He is scuppering your evening to get back his control over you. Please be free. Don't be controlled. No good will come of you meekly doing as you are told or allowing yourself to be controlled.

Said in the nicest possible way iyswim. Hope you have a better night tonight.

Yep, you need to stand up for yourself with this selfish prick or things will get worse. He is quite deliberately punishing and controlling you; he wants to do as he pleases while you do everything else, and he is trying to 'train' you into obedience and submission. Book a babysitter and go out - you don;t need his 'permission'.

Oh and ignore Iliveonbenefits, who is either a troll or a bloke with a small dick whose wife has dumped him.

Excellent advice on sorting out the DH, you need to stand up for yourself now, cos otherwise he'll carry on and think that's OK to tell you that you can't go out etc etc. FFS it would hardly KILL him to get home earlier would it?

As for the little one, my DS was an angel all day, then like a switch changed into a little horror, screaming his head off, it was so scary for me, i was utterly clueless and alone.

Wind could be an issue, but after I observed him for a good while longer, crying no matter what I did, and the more I did the worse it got? That was him yelling for a sleep. He used to have utter melt downs.

I can only suggest that you bring the afternoon feed earlier, give her a good winding and try to settle her a little earlier, i.e before the 5pm witching hour. It worked for me, once I realised what he was trying to tell me. But it took months rather than weeks for me to cotton on

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job, 5wks is tough, it gets so much easier before you know it.

Hang on in there!

ILIVE - did I go to bed last night and wake up in the 1950's?
Relieroo, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I agree with everything skidoodle said. Please don't let him control you and make you feel bad for expecting him to help with his own baby. I think you need to put yourself and your baby first because your husband clearly isn't. My husband and I had some appalling rows when we first became parents, but if he'd carried on like this I think he'd be an ex dh by now!

ILIVEONBENEFITS Is it taking much longer to rub one out to X-tube these days. Over-sensitised to the porn are we, thought you'd come and spout your bitter, anti-female crap on mumsnet. Boo-hoo.

I don't think I've ever read as offensive a post as ILIVE's. I do hope its not real.

OP - Its interesting you say that no one you know has babies. This may well make the adjustment needed more difficult if there is no peer frame of reference.

Remember you are both tired, and things always get better once your baby is more settled and you are both getting more sleep. It won't last forever. When you get there, make sure you talk to him about it, as resentment will just build otherwise.

I found it helpful not to be on my own in the house when my DS was going through the witching hour. Sometimes its good to have a few screaming ones together - maybe contact your NCT mums for a witching hour late coffee if they are having similar problems? Or take her out in the pushchair for a walk. Maybe if neither of you were in when DH got in from work he may realise that you can well cope without him, and buck up a bit.

I've seen Ilive before on here, yes he is a bloke according to another post, but yes he's either trolling or a knob. or both!

If you don't like mn then bugger off.

I always assumed that ILIVE was the fake alter ego of a seasoned poster who uses it to play devil's advocate. If you read it as I think it's meant to be read, then it says, only total wankers think what I saying here, so no, YANBU.

re ILIVE - What sort of woman would write that, even if trying to be controversial? Must be a man.

Of course you should get a break too- he is being a bit shitty not bending over backwards to make sure you do. And if the baby is having a particularly awful evening, there is no way he should abandon you to the screaming with nary a backward glance- that certainly isn't what I meant. I just mean you should be looking after your relationship and each other's sanity as much as possible because you need to be in this whole thing together and hopefully come out the other side. I in no way endorse the witterings of the troll- just to be clear What a loon.

My sister is an angel and is coming over to look after DD for the hour or so until he gets back.

I think it's all a but of a defense mechanism on his part, attacking me so he doesn't feel as attacked, IYSWIM. He's really wonderful most of the time, I think I haven't painted him in the best light. He adores me and DD, we're just having a hard time adjusting to life with a baby.

But I do agree that I need to be more assertive, it would probably do us the world of good. maybe he'd do better with a bit more direction from me.

Good to hear that your sis is going to babysit.

Could you ask her to do so again so that you and your dh could go out for coffee (or a walk in the park) an afternoon at the weekend and discuss your new roles as parents.

He does not seem to understand how difficult it is to cope with an unsettled baby all day. I know how desperate I was for my dh to get home in the evenings when our dc were tiny.

Write down your main problems. His working hours. His going out. You needing a break. Babysitter.

Discuss as rationally as possible.

The colic stage generally improves by around 2 months. Perhaps he can agree to reducing his evenings out to once a fortnight until then. And then seeing how you are coping by then.

Oh, and SeaTrek - I feel very lucky that it's only been a coupkle of times so far, I don't think I'd have the strength to deal with what you did.

I think he understands now.

Relie - im so glad you feel a bit better today and that you are managing your time out.

You really need to talk to your DH, explain to him that you are feeling overwhelmed just now and you could use some extra support - but that it wont always be this way, its not like you are saying that he can never go out again - im assuming that normally you are OK with it?

Its just that for now, your little one doesn't know that mummy is knackered and daddy isn't home - she wont know to "behave" on the night he chooses to go out.

You really can get to the bottom of this together - yes, i know i called him a prick last night, because he was being one, but im sure he feels pretty overwhelmed too.

Its funny, i remember my DP and my friends DP who are both brilliant dads saying "bloody hell, i didnt think it was going to be like this - its brutal" and it is, but it gets easier.

Ignore ILIVEONBENEFITS i reckon she/he must have had some time off school and was bored - what a fuckwit, i don't think anyone here is going to take her seriuosly again after that particular post.

Do checkout the babymassage - we used to do that every night with DD and sometimes it would send her off to sleep - now is the best time because they just lay still and enjoy it. Have a look at some websites maybe, you can, and should use a natural oil like olive oil or grapeseed oil, dont use baby oil or anything scented. The one that you do for the tummy is to make a horseshoe shape left to right, following the bowel almost, its meant to be excellent for shifting wind - you can do that, whilst your DH goes out to the shop to buy some GRIPE WATER and a big bunch of flowers for being a prime twat yesterday.

Move on from it though -but dont be afraid to ask for help, there is lots of support out there and i know how difficult that particular time of day is.

To hark back to your poor DH being at work all day - it would be totally unreasonable to ask him to ask him to do more of his work after a day at work, but you are not, you are asking him to comfort and bond with his child, just for an hour. I think he should do bathtime - be good for him.