not to know how best to help my DS re his weight?

[hatesponge]

My DS has, since the age of 18 months or so, been what would be referred to as 'solidly built'. somewhere between then and now - i think mainly in the last couple of years, he has gone from that to being distinctly overweight.

I dont know how much he weighs, in truth I dont think the actual figure is important. but he looks visibly overweight, and is conscious of it, particularly insofar as clothes for children his age (12) are far too small, he is now largely wearing adult clothes because nothing else fits.

For the last year or so ive been trying to encourage him to eat healthily, and not make too much of an issue of it, however, it seems to be getting worse. after easter he has to do swimming at school. he hasnt done swimming for a while (his primary only did one year of swimming, in year 5)and today he has asked for a note to exempt him from swimming lessons as he does not want anyone to see him without a top on

clearly he needs to lose weight. he already plays sports 3/4 times a week, so im not sure whether there is time for him to do any more exercise.

his diet is the area which needs to change. however his dad (DS lives with him half the week) will not modify the food he buys, and will always have cupboards stacked with chocolate, crisps, biscuits etc. so DS generally eats as he pleases there. He also takes money to school for lunch, and I have no idea what he buys, but I suspect it is nothing healthy.

I do want to help DS, but cant see what I can do, especially how I can change his diet if he wont agree and his dad wont co-operate.....

How does he travel to school? Could he walk or cycle as a way to fit more exercise into his life? Maybe the two of you could train to do the mile for sport relief together?

The diet is a difficult one if his dad won't cooperate. But his school lunches - couldn't you give him a packed lunch instead of money?

I would also suggest that you take him for a check up at the GP so you can find out exactly what he weighs and (more importantly) his BMI. He might take advice from a doctor more seriously than he takes it from you!

it may be a medical thing - best to get him checked out.

but if not - all you an do is instill in him the best way to eat. so when he is at your house he gets smaller portions of healthy meals - no snacks in the house - no biscuits or scrisps or anything except fruit. dont buy them.

with the time he spends exercising this should somewhat make a difference to what he weighs.

additionally depending on your relationship with ex - a doctors referal to a dietician may well be taken seriously by him rather than you saying " don't give him any chocolate nag nag"

if this persists you could threaten your ex regarding custody for if he doesn't take his parental responsabilities seriously, perhaps you will have to, for the sake of your sons state of mind.

he does already walk to school, however we live very close to the school so its only a 10 minute walk at most.

I have suggested we go out on our bikes together, but he is not keen we did this a few times last summer but not since. generally at weekends he wants to hang out with his (all v slim) friends playing on the Xbox etc, which doesnt help in exercise terms.

he wont take a packed lunch, he would just not eat rather than do so (which I dont think is a good idea as he doesnt eat breakfast & i dont want him going without food all day at school)

he was weighed in his final year of primary school - following which we got a letter from the health authority stating he was obese as per BMI etc and suggesting we put him on a diet. I am not that keen on taking him to the GP for advice (although I will if I have to) - mainly because the GPs at our surgery are not overly pleasant, and I think if they tell him off, he will get upset (because he is very sensitive over his size) and eat whatever he can lay his hands on once he gets home

Ex's view is that if he doesnt buy crap, DS will still overeat, but bread, cereal etc instead. I am conscious DS has an unhealthy relationship with food (as do I, but mine developed much later in life) and although when he is with me we generally eat healthily, he constantly moans and cries that he is hungry, as a result I end up letting him have seconds of dinner or eat between meals, which I know is probably as wrong as my Ex letting him eat what he likes

On a practical level you could try increasing his protein intake and reducing his carb intake (not to the lunatic extent of the Atkins diet though!). Protein has higher satiety than carb, because it breaks down into amino acids which raise the overall acidity level in the body, triggering the "full" reflex quicker.

If he is using food as an emotional crutch then that will need some careful handling - he will need to address that issue because otherwise it could be very difficult to find ways of motivating him to change his eating habits and lose the weight.

If he complains of hunger after/between meals, then only allow him to have protein-rich foods or fruit. Don't give in to the carb-loading - that will make matters worse.

What does he say when you talk to him about changing his diet/weight? Does he actually want to?

Personally I would take his request to opt out of swimming and use it to motivate him.

These feelings he has are only going to get worse, and at 12 he needs to learn to take responsibility for himself.

Yes that sounds harsh, however, you say he doesn't want to go bike riding, he doesn't want to take a pack lunch, he cry and moans about being hungry so he can eat more. He has to understand now that these decisions he is making are the direct cause of his weight, and the selfconcious feelings that come from that.

We could easily point the finger at his Dad for keeping crappy foods at home, we could just as easily point the finger at you for giving in and over feeding him. However, I can guarantee that if you and your ex stopped this your son would still find a way to over eat.

At 12 he is old enough to take responsibility for this, and if you and your ex alter your food patterns at the same time that is just a bonus.

Take him to the GP, talk openly and honestly with him, join a gym together, check for youth exercise activities in your area, and if needed request some councelling for him.

Better now when it is a small issue, than in 20 years when it could be deadly.

Good luck.

your last post was excuse after excuse - not explaination after explaination.

look, i realise that this is hard - for him and his weight and any advice can be seen as an attack on your parenting skills,

but he can only eat what is in the house.

he can only buy shit - if you give him the money.

he will remain fat
he will be ridiculed

unless he goes out and excersises and reduces his intake.

its harsh - the child is hungry becuase he is probably eating lots of suger -which in turn tells the brain it wants more, more, more.

and sugar is in lots of things - including bread.

on a personal note, i would be mortified if my child was going through the daily emotions your child must be going through, when my child has hurt feelings or feels upset about something then i do too.

if you don't want him to spend his formative social years at senior school as the parody fat kid in the class ( we all had one) then its up to you.

you are the parent - if he's hungry and he has eaten a meal - tell him no

I second Custy...stop giving into him.

Give him a packed lunch and tell him its that or nothing he will soon eat it.

Stop giving him money for crap at school

Stop giving him seconds all kids try that but as parents we have a responsibility to take them in hand and say no, to guide them and not teach them they can demand and get.

Cut the sugar out --- water is much better.

go for walks with him ban games consoles unless he partakes in exercise often and while you are doing this for him then you need to do it for yourself and show willing.

If his father cannot be bothered to go along with it then stop he being there until he does.

Everything you have said can be dealt with if YOU stop making excuses.

thumbwitch - he definitely does use food as an emotional crutch- I dont think this has always been the case, but I would say it has become so over the last couple of years - as his weight has increased he has felt more unhappy, and his way of dealing with that unhappiness has been in part to eat more.

for that reason I have tried not to make a big issue over food with him. I have not taken him to the GP, because I think that will also have a negative effect. I hoped that by not fussing over it, things would improve. However this hasnt been the case so I accept now something has to change.

I will try going forward not to allow DS seconds etc. However, i take the point that he will still find/buy food anyway if he wants to, however much I restrict him. for example, in the past he has been given £1 which will buy him a small roll and bottle of water at school. he has instead gone to the shop, bought drinks or sweets, sold them for a profit to his classmates, and then with the £2 or so that hes made, had a cooked lunch and pudding.

Whilst on one level I admire his entrepreneurial skills, clearly limiting the money he has doesnt work- unless he is also committed to trying to improve his diet. At the moment I think this is the sticking point, and I am not sure how I can motivate him successfully. I do feel we may need some help with that.

I'm sorry if my post comes across as being full of excuses, Im not sure how else I can explain our situation. Am trying to be as honest as I can.

And we are extremely close and always have been, so I do feel upset and concerned about this; its certainly not the case that I couldnt care less, far from it.

hijack..hey TLES

I agree..to a point..he is still a child making food into an enemy is not smart...explaining to him about foods and moderation is important too...how about finding a sport that interests him?...or even wii sport can give him a good workout

Hi MCP how are you ?

I'm good me dear..should be in bed though! ..you?

this may sound like an excuse, but honestly the packed lunch thing is pointless. if I send him with one he wont eat it. he will either borrow money from friends to buy food, or else he will wait until he comes home from school and eat twice as much then. he is on his own after school so we cant control what he eats then. he took a packed lunch to primary and rarely ate much of it even then when he didnt have any other sources of food.

at my house he only drinks water or milk. also as a matter of course he never eats butter or margarine on bread, or has sugar added to anything. the seconds thing as Ive said will stop.

at the moment he is only with me at weekends, we did go for a walk today for about half an hour, and will aim to do that at least once every weekend from now on. we were also talking about him playing rugby today - which he is very keen on- so have been looking for details of clubs etc for him to go and try out over the next few weekends.

I cant stop him seeing his dad at the moment because I am working away from home for the next two months so DS is living with his dad in the week, but clearly if over the next couple of months his dad is not prepared to try and work with me to help DS, then once I am around more I may have to try and limit the time DS spends with him.

I'm still up too, grumble mumble.

MCP an idea of how i am..GRRRR

At the age he is, perhaps it would be worth sitting down with him and trying to formulate a plan of action. Make sure he knows that he is in control of the situation, that it is up to him, but be very clear about the outcomes if he chooses to continue on his current path. Say that you will help him as much as he will let you - that you will help him to stick to his resolve but in the end it HAS to come from within him.

If he can see that he has control over the situation, it might help to motivate him, rather than him kicking against parental control.

Worth a try?

Then you need to find an after school club for him so he is NOT on his own or lock the cupboards/fridge...again it is easily solved.

His friends won't lend him money forever so eventually he will have to eat his packed lunch.

hey NEBS >

NEBS n MCP stop moaning lol

i was up until 6am this morning went to sleep and got up at 8

aww TLES..it will work out its our penance as former children doncha know..lol..how was your weekend...I saw some very interesting and enjoyable pics..lol

MCP it was rather alcohol filled tbh! and very enjoyable lol

best kind my dear..best kind..lol

I hadmy very first hangover lmao

ah well ..it happenes to the best and worst of us...well done you have survived!..a bad morning often procedes a very good night

thumbwitch - that sounds like a good idea, I think he will respond positively to being told he is in control, especially as a lot of things have happened in his life so far which he has not had any control over. will mention it when i speak to him tomorrow, and then sit down for a proper chat when i am home next, and see what we can come up with.

i have promised his younger brother a DSi if he improves on his reading and maths (DS2 was in bottom groups for both, simply through laziness, but has already moved up 2 groups since we struck our deal) am thinking whether I should incentivise DS1 in someway...not a reward directly linked to weight but maybe something like if he exercises with me once/twice a week, eats healthily etc for a certain period. am just thinking that it might help motivate him to carry on past the first few weeks when there probably wont be any immediately visible weight loss........

Hatesponge, I am wondering if you don't worry a bit too much about what will happen if he doesn't eat his packed lunch. Surely, after the first week or so, his friends will stop lending him money- as long as you make sure that he doesn't have the means to pay it back. And after a week or so of being hungry in school, don't you think he will cave in and eat his lunch? Going hungry for a week isn't actually going to do him any harm.