not to know how best to help my DS re his weight?

[hatesponge]

My DS has, since the age of 18 months or so, been what would be referred to as 'solidly built'. somewhere between then and now - i think mainly in the last couple of years, he has gone from that to being distinctly overweight.

I dont know how much he weighs, in truth I dont think the actual figure is important. but he looks visibly overweight, and is conscious of it, particularly insofar as clothes for children his age (12) are far too small, he is now largely wearing adult clothes because nothing else fits.

For the last year or so ive been trying to encourage him to eat healthily, and not make too much of an issue of it, however, it seems to be getting worse. after easter he has to do swimming at school. he hasnt done swimming for a while (his primary only did one year of swimming, in year 5)and today he has asked for a note to exempt him from swimming lessons as he does not want anyone to see him without a top on

clearly he needs to lose weight. he already plays sports 3/4 times a week, so im not sure whether there is time for him to do any more exercise.

his diet is the area which needs to change. however his dad (DS lives with him half the week) will not modify the food he buys, and will always have cupboards stacked with chocolate, crisps, biscuits etc. so DS generally eats as he pleases there. He also takes money to school for lunch, and I have no idea what he buys, but I suspect it is nothing healthy.

I do want to help DS, but cant see what I can do, especially how I can change his diet if he wont agree and his dad wont co-operate.....

Cory, I said exactly the same last night and the reply was "Its pointless"

Yes, I see that you did, LadyEvenStar. Oh well, we can but try.

Sorry all I hear is excuses, and tbh you know the situation, if my son had issues with food, and was being like your dc, then tbh he would come 1st and I would have to re-assess my home life, he HAS alot of issues to deal with, his mum lives away from home, no one is in when he comes home from school,his mum and dad dont communicate, or even have the same "ideals" about his food issues.

Im not surprise the poor kid has food issues, and he see food as a emotional concept!

Not popular opinion, but tbh I THINK YOU AND YOUR EX, NEED TO GET SOMETHING DONE, and stop making excuses!

I would also be making sure that he had dinner on the table to heat up in the microwave and that NO unhealthy food was in the house!

You and his Dad need to start communicating, for the benefit of your sons life and future!

DS1 is 11 and although very slim went through a stage of eating every crisp/biscuit etc in the cupboard rather than make a sandwich...I only made one excuse for him that he was being greedy. and therefore i simply stopped buying the foods i knew he would greedily eat....problem solved.

One more point: if you are going to use exercise to reduce weight, half an hour's walk once a week is a drop in the ocean: you should be looking at several hours for a child his age. Walking is great exercise, but it works slower than running, so you need to set aside more time for it if you want to use it to lose weight.

tbh i think using exercise in the way you are suggesting is going to backfire. You say

"have promised his younger brother a DSi if he improves on his reading and maths (DS2 was in bottom groups for both, simply through laziness, but has already moved up 2 groups since we struck our deal"

so you are going to spend £150 on your ds becaue he chose to be lazy

What will it be next when he is the bottom of another subject a car maybe?

i digress.

I would as Little suggests reassess the way things are especially the lack of communication going on.

think some of you are being a bit harsh on the OP, also think it could be a mistake to focus so much on the eating and exercise at the expense of dealing with his unhappiness - might be better for OP and her ex and the children to have some family therapy and look at some of the feelings that are driving his behaviour around food

if he was restricting his eating as severely as he overeats suspect the responses would be very different

More protein, less carbs and lots and lots of weight bearing exercise. I don't think little boys can get enough exercise to be honest. We are yet to reach DS's upper limits.

Would he enjoy a martial art or something? Is very "blokey".

Miffy The OP has made excuses with almost all the advice given. I think thats why there are "harsh" replies.

Here IMO is the main problem...

I am conscious DS has an unhealthy relationship with food (as do I, but mine developed much later in life) and although when he is with me we generally eat healthily, he constantly moans and cries that he is hungry, as a result I end up letting him have seconds of dinner or eat between meals

Another mum who did just what the OP is doing

You do have a point, Miffy, and of course the unhappiness needs to be addressed. Family therapy is probably a good idea. At the same time, if the OP was enabling her ds to restrict food in the same way as she is enabling him to overeat/have unhealthy lunches, then I think people would point that out too.

you're probably right - spot the oversensitive mum although we have the opposite problem, can't help thinking this sort of thing is just the flip side of the coin

Miffy DS2 is a fussy eater but i have got round that [smug me]lol...i know he loves crisps so i give him the foods i know he will eat along with say 6 crisps and add something new for him to try.9/10 times he eats whatever it is as long as there are a few crisps on his plate.

DS1 went through a stage for a yr where he would eat dry bread or plain pasta...worry much -hell yeah. he is now 11 5ft 1" and eats most of what he is given barr liver

The issue with exercise is that you have to do a LOT for it to seriously impact your weight. An adult woman weighing 10 stone has to run 35 miles to burn 1lb of fat.

It has to be diet and exercise combined. I don't think it's a good idea to restrict quantity of food in children, but if you don't have food to pick at except fruit and veg (with maybe some low fat dips like salsa)or low fat yoghurts, he cant eat it.

He will kick off (my mum endured years of "I hate fruit. Why cant we have biscuits? Moan whinge. whine") but just know that you are doing the right thing for him longer term.

im feeling a little sorry for you this morning OP.

agree that harsh thngs have been said and needed to be. perhaps if you came back and said " right, totally get it - your right" we could move on from slating you to perhaps helping you with otivational techniques, and meal /exercise planners.

you must feel terribly alone with all these problems , so come-on lets get past the lit torches and see where this thing goes for the long term.

op,remove the xbox for a start,kids rack up so much time on them,add it up and see how much time he's on it. do you know theres a timer you can set on it?

i agree....lots of excuses here....my dd was overweight,from around 9 til last summer when she turned 13.

you HAVE to get tough.....puberty is just round the corner,he doesnt need to be dealing with that AND his weight.

as i see it,he's not helping nhimself here with his silly over eating....tell him the truth,he's overweight and he WILL have to do swimming

could he join a gym?

Couple of suggestions:

Is there any chance of getting him interested in cooking? Healthy eating can be made a lot more interesting with some good cookery books.

Could you do his packed lunches together so that he has a say (but you have decided beforehand that certain options are not on)?

Could weekends be based around some fun activity that is not labelled Healthy, but just happens to be anyway? Is there anything you could do together that is more than half an hour's walk but still not too daunting?
(and btw from my experience, you have to be quite brisk to get a 12yo out of the house at all, even for an activity that they then go on to thoroughly enjoy)

Could you afford some after school activity that he might enjoy, so he's not eating out of loneliness and boredom?

Could anything be done with portion sizes? (this will mean moaning, but will be worth it in the end). A warning story: my brother did masses of exercise, but still has weight problems well into his fifties (and high blood pressure etc), simply because he never learnt what a healthy portion looks like. New girlfriend is now teaching him and he's lost a lot of weight.

Re: excersise.
from my own experience i can tell you that my two sons never stopped moving.

they came in from school, grabbed skateboard, BMX, rollerblades - anythng with wheels and were off either playing in the street with other kids or round to their mates.

at 12 i think he is old enough to go to his mates houses.

take the games systems away - not as a punishment - just take a wire out the plug or something so he has to find something else to do.

now my boys eat trash. they really do. thin as rakes becuase they are literally riding, skating everywhere to diferent friends houses every single day.

when they were smaller - they were both always up trees or making army HQ somewhere and running round masacaring imaginary foe.

i make my kids tea.

if they wanted a snack, it was fruit or yoghurt. not becuase i was uber mum health conscious extroidinaire - its cos i was skint!

i always had those cheap tesco 8p yoghurts in the fridge by the tray.

i couldn't always afford fruit, but apples and pears were always on the weeks shopping list. if i could afford it bananas too.

apples are much more intresting if you give them a knife to cut is peel it stab it - whatever. he's old enough

I have also taken to buying bottled water. it feels wrong but tesco own are cheap enough. with a sports top to encourage the kids to grab a bottle from fridge on way to college and drink more.

think yourself, if you drank a pint of water right now, you would feel full. so get him to drink a pint of water before a meal.

I think the OP's son has got into the habit of eating lots of unhealthy food which has made him fat; and now he is conscious of the fact that he is fat, and it is making him unhappy, he comfort eats to feel better about feeling upset about his size.

He has got to break the habit of eating so much and this is very difficult unless the food is made unavailable. Expecting him to exercise self-control when he has these habits and he is only 12 years old is totally unrealistic.

Exercise is good, but unless the bad habits are brought under control exercise will not solve the problem.

I agree with Custy - a trip to the GP would rule out any metabolism disorders like hypothyroidism. He probably doesn't have that, though, from what you've said.

Also - you might need to rethink what healthy food is in relation to your son. Bread, pasta, etc - carbs - are very more-ish and won't keep him feeling full for long. When their energy runs out, he'll be craving more. Could you try introducing more protein (meat, cheese, fish) and veggies?

If he's into being healthier, could you come up with a plan together? I wouldn't dismiss exercise, especially if he's eating to comfort himself. I find exercise a huge mood boost and even if it doesn't really help me lose weight, I don't eat as much because I feel better.

One especially hard bit for a 12 yo is that losing weight is a slow slog and doesn't have instant results.

Good luck.

I second the portion thing. My dh says things like 'I'll have a little piece of cheese' and then eats 200g of it. He just doesn't understand what 'a little' means.

I would take your son to the GP with your ex, and ask for a referral to a dietician, and give your son responsibility for sticking to the diet with support from you and his dad. A dietician will be able to prescribe a diet that's realistic for a 12yo. And don't give him any money at all until you're sure he's accepting the problem and taking responsibility for dealing with it.

Everything will be hard socially for your ds if he's overweight, and he will be at a high risk of all sorts of health problems. I would pull out all the stops to help if I was in your position.

I am guilty of the cheese thing as well

i firmly believe that although cheese has a lot of fat - it is packed with good things too. so as long as you dont sit an eat the full block i think cheese is a great source of protein and calcium. supermarkets do those nets with different kinds of cheeses in - great for a snack

I was wandering if there 's a tall gene in your family 'cos our DS was a chub at 12 and a size 10 shoe!! and by the time he was 14 he had grown to 5 ft. 9 he is now 5ft. 11 and slim whatever he eats!

! know this isn't always the case (our DD was also a chub at same age and since the age of 17 she has been careful to eat properly).She is slim now but has to continue weight watching like everyone.

The more you fuss the worse it gets, in the end it's only the person who can control their weight.