not to know how best to help my DS re his weight?

[hatesponge]

My DS has, since the age of 18 months or so, been what would be referred to as 'solidly built'. somewhere between then and now - i think mainly in the last couple of years, he has gone from that to being distinctly overweight.

I dont know how much he weighs, in truth I dont think the actual figure is important. but he looks visibly overweight, and is conscious of it, particularly insofar as clothes for children his age (12) are far too small, he is now largely wearing adult clothes because nothing else fits.

For the last year or so ive been trying to encourage him to eat healthily, and not make too much of an issue of it, however, it seems to be getting worse. after easter he has to do swimming at school. he hasnt done swimming for a while (his primary only did one year of swimming, in year 5)and today he has asked for a note to exempt him from swimming lessons as he does not want anyone to see him without a top on

clearly he needs to lose weight. he already plays sports 3/4 times a week, so im not sure whether there is time for him to do any more exercise.

his diet is the area which needs to change. however his dad (DS lives with him half the week) will not modify the food he buys, and will always have cupboards stacked with chocolate, crisps, biscuits etc. so DS generally eats as he pleases there. He also takes money to school for lunch, and I have no idea what he buys, but I suspect it is nothing healthy.

I do want to help DS, but cant see what I can do, especially how I can change his diet if he wont agree and his dad wont co-operate.....

Custy ohhh i like you !!!

Oh i know it sounds like my DCS were over fed, they weren't

Nothing wrong with cheese!! I just wanted to illustrate the portion thing. He'll ask me for a piece of chocolate, and then when I give him A piece he looks at it in disgust as it's so small. By a piece he means half the bar. (Btw I don't think there's anything wrong with chocolate per se either!)

I don't overeat so am only hypothesising really, but I imagine the portion size one finds sufficient is to a great extent a question of habit.

DS1 is 11 and he often says after dinner he is hungry...i make him wait an hour or so before i let him have something else. Because 9/10 times he is not hungry he is just being greedy....a case of if its there he has to eat it.

I feel very sorry for the OP, she's obviously aware of the problem and wants to help her DS.

I agree that a (discussed and negotiated) packed lunch is the way to go, along with strictly limiting money taken to school, and try hard to get Dad on board. Have a discussion about healthy food and plan menus together for the week-end. Make a list of "acceptable" fruit and veg and make sure it's all that's on offer and available when he whinges about being hungry.

I have a great deal of sympathy. DS(13) is 5'6" and weighs 9 stone 11 llbs. He is not overweight (BMI 22) but he is flabby and unfit. I only buy healthy food, refuse to buy snacks and sweets and feed him a healthy diet, but DH (who is 3-4 stone overweight) buys masses of biscuits and chocs and cakes every week and in spite of endless discussions, insists on giving DS "treats" all the time (often behind my back ).

I don't want to give DS a complex about food or his weight or appearance. I don't want a row with DH every time he gives him a chocolate muffin - DS has Aspergers and finds arguments very distressing. DH associates food with comfort and finds it impossible to break the emotional connection. But whenever DS has had a bad day at school (all too often ) DH digs something sugary (not bought by me!) out of the pantry for him.

So DS and I have just joined a gym (DH declined ). DS doesn't do PE at school at present, he was taken out of classes as a stress reduction strategy pending his Asperger's diagnosis, but I take him swimming regularly, we walk a lot and he is joining an after-school fitness group for teenagers and the gym this week. We are embarking on a fitness campaign together!

I will have to tackle DH AGAIN about the snacks. I'm going to clear out a cupboard to hide DH's stash of goodies and give him strict instructions NOT to offer any more treats. DS can (and does) buy crap at school, so he isn't being deprived in any way.

I think the advice is good here - it is habits to be changed in conjunction with exercise (which on it's own will not suffice)

One more thing to consider is your own problem with food. Clearly ( and I hate to sound harsh) some of your problem with food has transferred to your DS. I think it is really important for you to tackle this as a family, which means you also dealing with the problem you have with food.

i read a loads of posts ago that he does not have breakfast. Isn't that supposed to be the worst thing you can do? Can you make sure that he has something before he leaves the house in the morning

I'm guessing that a lot of this is habit and boredom, can you do something over Easter that changes his routine in order to break the habit.

I think the posts are incredibly harsh- not on the OP, but on a 12 year old boy.

He will be acutely aware of his weight, I promise you.

Therapy sounds like a good idea, but also let him know how much you value him for things other than appearance. He will be being judged exclusively on appearance at school. Some posters seem to be advising shaming him into losing weight. This is abhorrent, and will not work. He is a child, talk of 'he is making the choice to be overweight' (I paraphrase) is ridiculous. A 12 year old boy is not making informed choices about weight in the same way adults can. If the OP were talking about her adult sister, the posts would probably have been more empathetic.

I like Morloth's idea of taking up a martial art, as I think this would probably raise his self esteem.

Teenage boys tend to get skinnier during puberty. You may find that the weight drops off naturally- girls are very different. This doesn't mean you should do nothing, but sweeping statements such as 'he will remain fat' and 'he will be ridiculed' do not necessarily hold true.

Teach him that those who ridicule him are wrong to do so and they have a problem. Praise him for dealing with it. If he is being teased at school, home will be a refuge from it, so tread carefully and give him time and space where he doesn't think about his weight (which he will be doing almost constantly). I am so glad you are not going down the road of rewarding him for weight loss- that sends out a very dangerous message.

I think there is some good advice on this thread wrt diet and excercise- just try and give him some breathing space too.

my brother was your son and at 40 he was about 28 stone and diabetic with back trouble. You are right to tackle this now.

Other posters are right - you need to get your DS and your ex H if at all possible involved in a plan. Go for the "we" are killing him line don't make it about what he's doing wrong but what you jointly are doing wrong and how unhealthy and unhappy you are making your DS.

If at all possible get your DS some counselling depending on where you live there are some very good weight loss clinics - Charing Cross in London have one which you can be referred to by your GP and they include time with a psychologist.

Your DS needs to think about switching foods from high calorie to moderate calorie ones and to make small changes in habits which he can acheive and feel that he is doing something and succeeding. Nothing more likely to put weight on that repeated failing at a diet.

I really wish you luck.

I started almost exactly this thread last week. It is so difficult to deal with.

What I have done as an immediate measure is dig out some smaller dinner plates. Then ds still got a big plate of dinner, but the plate was only three-quarters of the regular size.

Then I bought about a tonne of fruit. And instead of waiting for it to be taken (forlorn hope) I cut it up and placed it in front of the dcs after their dinner. No, they weren't ecstatic. There was groaning, there was whining, but I stood firm and said there was nothing else.

Like the OP, my dh is not on board. Last night my efforts were sabotaged as he got out three bags of Maltesers to eat after dinner. He also went and bought some snacks to eat BEFORE dinner. At least he agreed to go and eat these secretly and not in front of the dcs. So I totally understand that it is so very difficult when you are duelling with another adult who refuses to engage with the programme.

I am sorry OP, it must be so tough!

Hope you can get things on the right track.

I WOUld stick with packed lunches, I would make it NICE though. No need to give him brown bread and houmous if he doesn´t like that sort of thing. But a ham sandwich, a piece of fruit, a yoghurt drink and (even) a small bag of crisps isn´t so bad, is it? Better than just crap???!!

Great post from Tethersend! .

DB and I were very overwight as young teenagers. I ended up with an ED and dropped out of Uni as a result. Don't ever underestimate how badly being overweight can affect a youngster's self-esteem.

Growth spurts can make a huge difference to a boy's shape in a short space of time during puberty. Preventing further weight gain over the next couple of years until he has shot up a few inches, and encouraging sensible eating and exercise habits will be better for him than going on a diet while he is growing.

My neice became very overweight when her parents divorced. A classic case of comfort eating.
On a visit to us she ate a scone with jam and cream and a bag of maltesers for breakfast. I didn't feel it was my place to tackle it because of the emotional up heaval she was going through at the time.

But eventually, she became as upset about the fat as she was about her parents so something had to be done.

First, her Mum sat down with her and discussed why she might be doing it, and pointing to all the food that was making her fat. They then agreed that she would start making swaps. The first thing was fizzy pop replaced by diet drinks and water. When she felt comfortable with that she swappedher school snack ( usually crisps and chocolate ) for dried fruit.

Bit by bit, she got the eating under cntrol and now is a fab weight, but more importantly is happy and healthy.

I think for men/boys in particular carbs can be a problem at quite low quantities.

DH will pack it on if he eats carbs but not if eating plenty of protein/fat, I can get away with slightly higher carb/lower fat.

What about something like rugby? Will help to burn fat and will also mean that his weight is not as much of a "bad" thing?

Oh and also agree with custardo - not eating his packed lunch is the least of his problems!

Anyone who thinks that cheese is a good snack option is mad. If you are having problems managing your weight, you should definitely cut out cheese unless it is your protein option in a main course. And even then, twice a week is plenty.

I was very overweight at secondary school, and was bullied because of it.

At 12, I don't think you can ask your son to take responsibility for himself, you and his Dad need to do it for him.
My parents tried to shame me into losing weight - publicly made fat faces at me to deter me from taking too many roast potatoes, tell me how fat people are losers that sort of thing, and it didn't work.
I would come home to an empty house, and of course raided the shelves for as much crap as I could get my hands on. Not once would I ever have chosen a healthy option.

His weight loss needs to come from you and his Dad. I'm not meaning to be harsh here, just honest, as someone who went through what your son will go through if things don't change.

If you can't be there when he comes home from school, you need to make sure there are only healthy options if he's hungry.
Give him packed lunches, he'll soon eat them when he knows there's nothing else on offer.
Limit his time on the Xbox.
Make it normal for him to have healthy meals, don't reward him with treats for losing weight - this will just defeat the object, and still make those food things an emotional crutch.
I think you need to start him eating breakfast - that's one meal you can have total control over, and would start the day off better.
And I really think you need to talk to his Dad and get him to understand why things need to change.

Do you want your son to spend every school day miserably waiting for the taunts to start? Do you want him to wipe huge chunks of his childhood memories away, because they're simply too painful to think about? Do you want him to come home and miserably eat, as that's the only way he thinks he can be happy?

Please, please take action, see a doctor for advice, sort this out while you can.

Hiya Hatesponge,

Sorry to hear about your concerns. I guess it's getting to be quite a wide-spread problem these days.

Don't know much how to advise but you did say:

"he wont take a packed lunch, he would just not eat rather than do so (which I dont think is a good idea as he doesnt eat breakfast & i dont want him going without food all day at school)"

Can he not start having breakfast? I know some very overweight people who don't eat breakfast.If I don't have any I find I can spend the whole day without eating and then overeat at nights. If I do eat breakfast I'm hungry by lunch and eat something and then in the evening I'll just have something small.

Take care

SK

My DSS2 got into the habit of not eating breakfast - because he wasn't hungry, because he had eaten too much the previous afternoon/evening.

We explained why breakfast was important and why he wasn't hungry in the morning, and we said that, if he didn't eat breakfast, we wouldn't given him any supper that day, in order to ensure he would eat breakfast the next.

He learned quite quickly and easily.

Tethersend's post was fantastic - I agree that people are losing sight of the fact that this is a child who is having problems, and his mum falling in line with the schoolmates who tease him for his weight will make him andhis problems much worse.
The first thing that struck me also was the lack of beakfast; he must eat something, even if he doesn't consciously feel hungry, otherwise for the rest of the day his body will be needing to raise its blood sugar levels, which translates into hunger and constantly eating.
More protein is essential - a portion with every meal including breakfast will keep him going for about three hours or until the next meal.
Someone mentioned complex carbs for this - yes they do help but white pasta and white bread are processed, simple carbs which are not much better than sugar in terms of satiation.
To offer you hope: DS (almost 15) now has the body of Adonis, but was chunky at best from birth, was teased at times at school, not keen on swimming etc.
He always played rugby, but in the last couple of years has discovered judo, mixed martial arts, basketball and fitness training after school. He now does an intense exercise session nearly every day and loves it, and I'm having to replace his jeans with 30in waist ones as they're falling off him (he's been 34 in since age 11). He's also had his teenage growth spurt.
No harm in educating him in healthy eating, nor expecting him to eat a packed lunch, but focus on encouraging hard exercise and he'll soon shape up.

I'm following this thread with interest as I have similar (though not identical) issues with my 11 year old DD. I don't want to hijack but the following question will probably be useful to the OP too.

Can anyone suggest good protein foods to eat at breakfast or as snacks? Eggs are maybe the obvious choice but DD doesn't like them (except very occasionally as french toast but then only on white bread).

Grilled bacon sandwich, beans on toast, veggie soya sausages.

Is there a nice brand of soya sausages? (I've never tried them).