Am I really the daughter-in-law from hell?

[VerityClinch]

My in laws are coming to stay the week after next. In preparation, they have phoned DH to tell him they don't feel welcome here, think I barely tolerate their presence and that I don't like them.

I am dumbfounded.

This apparently stems from their last visit, when, allegedly, I "hid myself away" from them.

For context, when they last visited, my DD was 8 weeks old. I had had a c-section and blood transfusion. I had only been cleared by the doctor to lift my hands above my head for 10 days. Oh, and I was KNACKERED due to all of the above.

I did, indeed, spend one whole morning in bed with DD, breastfeeding. I did also go to bed every night at 10:30pm, while they stayed up drinking and chatting. I did this because I would be up another 3 times in the night, and because I was only allowing myself one glass of wine whilst trying - and failing, and feeling pretty crap about that too - to breastfeed.

BUT since we had turned the spare room they usually sleep in into the nursery, I had also cleared out the study, thrown away all my furniture and put in a smaller desk so we had room for a sofa bed (newly purchased for this reason) for them to sleep on.

I also did all the cooking while they were here, which meant separate meals for MIL as she is veggie.

Incidentally, I also do ALL birthday, Christmas, mothers day, fathers day, new job, good luck in exams, happy retirement etc etc shopping/cards. When pregnant, I sent them updates each time I saw the midwife/GP and sent them my scan photos. Also put together a presentation for MIL as part of her degree which took me 5 hours, took SIL to get her hair restyled (for the first time in 20 years), wrote BIL's CV for him and a hundred other minor kindnesses which have apparently gone unnoticed.

Since DD has been born, I have sent them photos and videos about 3 times per week. I have emailed with details of all her milestones (holding head up, first tooth etc etc). She is now 8 months. They live in Aberdeen, and we live in London, so this will only be the third time they've seen her and I think there is some jealousy that my parents (who live 18 miles away) have seen her more (but do not need to stay overnight if they visit). But they couldn't visit more often because MIL was doing her degree, so studying and going to lectures etc and they have horses which need to be looked after/babysat if they are away.

I think they are selfish beyond belief to think it could be "all about them". I have a baby to look after FFS, and yes, she IS going to come first, and no, I am not going to breastfeed her lying on the floor in the living room (I could only feed lying down) so they could all have a good look, and I AM going to go to bed if I am tired (and of course I am tired) and 10:30 isn't THAT early is it? I mean, so early it counts as "hiding away"? They have three children, and I know it was years ago, but can they really have forgotten what it's like?

AIBU to not really want them to come back if this is how they feel about me? What more do they want?!

DH, btw, tells me to ignore them, just like he does, if they are "being difficult". He once didn't speak to his dad for 9 months following a disagreement about MP's pensions, so this is the level of maturity we are dealing with, I'm afraid.

YANBU they sound very selfish indeed, you sound like a lovely DIL. YOu do what you feel is best for you and your family, and if that means bf upstaires lying down and going to bed early so be it. I would not like to be downstairs bf in what sounds like the bio nurturing position norks on show in front of my IL's They have to respect you its a two way thing.

Wow! That is stunning in its awfulness. However, your post is articulate and self explanatory. I would copy it and email it to them.

I am all for grinning and bearing with inlaws - diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks and all that, but this is a step too far, isn't it?

They obviously have no problem telling you how they feel.

Now it's your turn.

i think you should count yourself lucky that you can use this to keep them away, because they sound like a nightmare to have as guests.

If I were you I would say, uber-politely, that you are very sad they do not wish to stay with you but understand, and tell them there are hotels nearby. I would also stop doing everything you are doing for them re contact and let them realise how unreasonably they are acting.

If it were me I'd not say a word about the phone conversation insist on sitting inbetween them of the sofa (hopefully a two seater) snuggle up to them at every possible opportunity, make eyes at the father in law and grope MIL's tits.

Leave them love notes under pillows and on fridge magnets and homemade (by you) stickman portraits of you and them looking smilely with I WUB YOU MILDRED AND GARY written underneath.

And make sure you giggle inanely at everything they say and nod wisely with lots of You are SO RIGHT's

That should sort it.

i wouldn't be welcoming them over my doorstep

i would get your DH to tell them exactly why

poor you ...

Afraid I think it is your dh who is falling down on the job here. He should have spoken firmly to his parents, and made clear to them how important it was that you got your rest.

And why couldn't he have spent some weekends filling the freezer before their arrival so you didn't have to cook when you were worn out and feeding a baby? I never occurred to me that I'd have to do the cooking and housework when I had a newborn baby and there was a perfectly competent man in the house. Presumably he gets some time off?

Your ILs sound right pains, but if you are doing all the birthday cards etc etc- that's not really their fault is it? that's something to be negotiated between you and your dh.

Yes - do what merrylegs said - copy what you've written here & send it to them, including "what more do you want of me???"

It sounds as if there will be a big falling out over this anyway as they are so childish, so you may as well let them know how you feel instead of them making silly assumptions about you.

I second JSs suggestion, bbut you must video it and upload it to Youtube, posting the link here of course

yanbu
They sound selfish

(BTW, I bet it felt good on day 11 when you could put your hands down again )

I thought you were going to be lilylu22......

But as you are not....count yourself lucky.

(JackSpratt - I like your idea the most!!)

cory - you're completely right, and the reason I do it is because DH has a memory like a sieve and, actually, can't be arsed to remember things like his gran's birthday. But his parents then always gave him massive grief over it, so I took over, put everything in the diary and just got on with it. This means I send Christmas cards to people I have never met, but it spares DH the pain of being constantly nagged by them and it keeps them (supposedly) happy.

I did think of just stopping doing all those things, but to be honest, then they will just have a bigger problem with me than they already do, and, well, it would be a bit petulant of me, wouldn't it?

Liking JackSpratt's suggestion, although not sure how long I could keep it up (they are coming for 4 days...)

YANBU. Tell DH that if that is how they feel then it is up to them. Stop doing so much for them, it is up to your DH to maintain the relationship with his parents not you.

If they do come, treat them with politeness and as you would any other houseguest, but don't make your life difficult - tell DH he needs to be around to spend time with them.

Your inlaws are not the problem your DH is.

Also, for balance, should point out that I am NOT the perfect DIL by any stretch as I carp about them to DH behind their back almost constantly (they have a "we WILL make a drama out of a crisis and a mountain out of a molehill" mindset that drives me mad, EVERYTHING is an issue).

But I am sweetness and light whenever they are here.

Although not for much longer, I suspect.

Yes. Actually what was your DH's response when they shared that charming message about not feeling welcome?

They do sound terribly needy. I like Jackspratt's idea - perhaps offer FIL some bitty, too - just to make him feel really welcome

As far as I can remember, he told them that was really unfair of them, that MIL was turning into her mother (long story, but true) and that it's very difficult for us to have houseguests when the house is barely big enough for 2 adults and a baby, never mind 4 adults and a baby, especially when we are two people who value their personal space and barely see each other in the week (due to his long hours/working away). I think he did his best, but he's not good at this emotional intelligence stuff (no surprise when you look at the genes, eh?)

MIL apparently responded (but at a later date, when she'd had a chance to seethe inwardly for a bit, I guess) "god, we knew we'd made a mess of the other two children, but we thought you were alright, and now it turns out you don't like PEOPLE" or words to that effect.

I am fighting a losing battle, aren't I?

But, do I wade in and give them MY version, or just grin and bear it on the basis that we probably only have to see them 4 times a year...(and not answer the phone in the interims)

thesecondcoming - OK, I think you have it worse.

They were FINE with me when I started seeing DH (because they didn't like his previous GF), thrilled when we got engaged, a bit of a pita about some of our wedding arrangements, but got over it before The Big Day and said lots of lovely stuff about how great it was to have me in their family.

Fast forward 1.5 years to producing their first (and so far only) grandchild, and I am the devil incarnate.

I am This Close to giving up. I don't feel like there's more I can do, so why bother at all?

Verity,

Your ILs sound just like my Mum. In fact, in the last couple of weeks I have cancelled her forthcoming visit after she told me that last time I was here she felt 'very excluded' (I am 8 months pg and wouldn't let her come to my final scan - DH and I went - and I went to bed at 10pm every night, after working F/T, coming home and cooking for her etc).
I'm not suggesting that you should cancel their visit, but you have my very deepest sympathy.
All I can do is pass on what my DH says about my Mum when I have a little cry about it: (1) no, you are NOT selfish or distant. She is the one who is overwhelming and selfish. (2) She is selfish because even if she thinks you are distant etc WHY does she need to tell you when you are 8 months pg/(in your case recovering from a difficult birth). It must be thoughtlessness or selfishness on THEIR part and not yours - who not bite their tongue.
As for the future, I'd say that I'd ignore this conversation but get your DH (it's his parents!) to have a word along the lines of "Verity felt really rubbish last time you were here. She was exhausted. She was not being distant and I certainly didn't see it like that. And given how tough it has been for her, it would be good if you didn't make her feel bad".

Worth a shot...?

WOW!!!

I hope that writing it all down made you feel a bit better.

I would be absolutely livid and I do think you dh needs to back you up and point out just how unreasonable an expectation they had considering you had a very very young baby and were recovering from a CS.

As for going to bed at 10.30pm, when my two were that age I barely made 10pm never mind any later.

Give them a copy of this thread?

Yuck, what a night mare and how unfair.

Is it possible for DH to call them and say he and you were stunned at their words (and how flipping juvenile to respond with 'we thought you were okay but you just don't like people') and that you are requesting some time and space and would prefer to talk about a possible visit later this year?

Sounds like there will be a major fight when they do get to your place, and I doubt you need it.

Pathetic really of them and I am so sorry for you both. Pathetic, juvenile people.

I like Puppykins idea, about being stunned and needing space.

I am aghast on your behalf.

It depends on what you want to happen.

You have given too options which boil down to sucking up what you reasonably regard as selfish treatment, or arguing your position to get them to conceed that they are being unfair.

Both of those will allow you to feel 'right' ( which you probably are) but will leave bad feeling on both sides which would be a shame for your Dcs.
Proving yourself right will make them wrong and that will make resentment worse.
You will get loads of replies telling you how to make them feel shit. Probably a lot of funny ones. Then the whole thing is contaminated forever.

If it were me I would find a way to see them by getting a friend or relative to take the Dc and sit with them for an hour.

It is one of those situations where being gracious and polite and all those other good things has the double virtue of being the right thing to do and putting you in the morally superior position.

I would say
" I am so upset to hear that you have interpretted my behaviour as rude or dismissive. I love your son, we are family and I want our children to spend time with you and love you too. I have never meant to do anything to upset you - on the contrary I was so tired last time you visited but tried to make you comfortable. Please tell me what I cxan do to make you realise that I want to welcome you into our home"

They will then either work with you to sort it out ( and don't dismiss how badly people can misinterpret the smallest of incidents - they may truly feel you don't want them , however wrong they are) or they will be unreasonable to your and your DHs faces and the situation will be out in the open.

FWIW I always like to try and resolve rather than point score. In laws are usually ( not always but usually) valuable. I always think that the more people in my childrens lives that love them the better

Your DH needs to set them straight if you don't feel able to!