Am I really the daughter-in-law from hell?

[VerityClinch]

My in laws are coming to stay the week after next. In preparation, they have phoned DH to tell him they don't feel welcome here, think I barely tolerate their presence and that I don't like them.

I am dumbfounded.

This apparently stems from their last visit, when, allegedly, I "hid myself away" from them.

For context, when they last visited, my DD was 8 weeks old. I had had a c-section and blood transfusion. I had only been cleared by the doctor to lift my hands above my head for 10 days. Oh, and I was KNACKERED due to all of the above.

I did, indeed, spend one whole morning in bed with DD, breastfeeding. I did also go to bed every night at 10:30pm, while they stayed up drinking and chatting. I did this because I would be up another 3 times in the night, and because I was only allowing myself one glass of wine whilst trying - and failing, and feeling pretty crap about that too - to breastfeed.

BUT since we had turned the spare room they usually sleep in into the nursery, I had also cleared out the study, thrown away all my furniture and put in a smaller desk so we had room for a sofa bed (newly purchased for this reason) for them to sleep on.

I also did all the cooking while they were here, which meant separate meals for MIL as she is veggie.

Incidentally, I also do ALL birthday, Christmas, mothers day, fathers day, new job, good luck in exams, happy retirement etc etc shopping/cards. When pregnant, I sent them updates each time I saw the midwife/GP and sent them my scan photos. Also put together a presentation for MIL as part of her degree which took me 5 hours, took SIL to get her hair restyled (for the first time in 20 years), wrote BIL's CV for him and a hundred other minor kindnesses which have apparently gone unnoticed.

Since DD has been born, I have sent them photos and videos about 3 times per week. I have emailed with details of all her milestones (holding head up, first tooth etc etc). She is now 8 months. They live in Aberdeen, and we live in London, so this will only be the third time they've seen her and I think there is some jealousy that my parents (who live 18 miles away) have seen her more (but do not need to stay overnight if they visit). But they couldn't visit more often because MIL was doing her degree, so studying and going to lectures etc and they have horses which need to be looked after/babysat if they are away.

I think they are selfish beyond belief to think it could be "all about them". I have a baby to look after FFS, and yes, she IS going to come first, and no, I am not going to breastfeed her lying on the floor in the living room (I could only feed lying down) so they could all have a good look, and I AM going to go to bed if I am tired (and of course I am tired) and 10:30 isn't THAT early is it? I mean, so early it counts as "hiding away"? They have three children, and I know it was years ago, but can they really have forgotten what it's like?

AIBU to not really want them to come back if this is how they feel about me? What more do they want?!

DH, btw, tells me to ignore them, just like he does, if they are "being difficult". He once didn't speak to his dad for 9 months following a disagreement about MP's pensions, so this is the level of maturity we are dealing with, I'm afraid.

incidentally i am going away this weekend, to a place with no tv, and i think that i wil be havin 2 hours daytime sleep, and prbably heading to bed by 9 latest.

Why are they coming to stay again if they felt so unwelcome the last time?

You sound like the dream DIL.

I think the operative word here is that "they" felt unwelcome. You didn't make them fell unwelcome.

They are responsible for the way they feel not you.

Do you know what I liked the most about your thread?

You just stated everything that you do for them. There was no retaliation or horror stories about what they do.

I agree with other posters. Your DH has to be responsible for reminding his parents how tiring it actually is becoming a new mum.

Let him cook his parents meals.

Gosh no! You sound great! Most IL's would adore you They seem v. hard to please.

coralanne "Do you know what I liked the most about your thread? You just stated everything that you do for them. There was no retaliation or horror stories about what they do."

Yep - I'll be posting those after they've left following next week's visit

You sound lovely! I think your dh needs to talk with them.

there's not much you can do if they say nothing to your face but consistently phone DH after a visit to complain about everything. it's down to him to manage/take that aspect of the situation i'm afraid. i think you should stop worrying about it so much; set some new ground rules you are happy with and let them know when they arrive: ' just so you know, so DH will be cooking/getting takeaways in as i am busy looking after baby and am still very tired, i am still going to bed early, but feel free to make yourself drinks or if you want to do some shopping/cleaning/make some meals to help out that would be lovely and very much appreciated.' like the other poster said, be really clear about what you're doing and why at the time so there's no chance for 'misunderstandings', then leave them to it. i would reduce the length of their visits as well - be unfailingly polite and friendly while they are here but stop going out of your way! they will never like you but maybe they will learn some grudging respect for you if you stand up for yourself politely...

To all those who have suggested DH has a word... sometimes it's not that easy. I've tried to get my DH's point across to my parents about what they've done to upset him (without actually being hurtful to them) but they just go "oh pff... rubbish". Because they steadfastly refuse to acknowledge they were in the wrong, they won't apologise. Because they won't apologise, he is really upset and now, never the twain shall meet, with me caught in the middle.

If I was happy to have a stand-up row with my parents, maybe it would be easier, but I'm a wimp.

Looking forward to hearing them. Have had another read of your thread and I think that they just don't have any respect for you.

I think they are bullies. You know the old saying "The more you do for someone the less they appreciate it".

This is your opportunity to play the "woe is me" card.

Involve them by asking nicely if they would mind preparing their own meals,helping with DD, do the washing etc.

Out of curiosity what degree was she working towards?

It sounds as though they both enjoy stirring the pot and because you don't stir back they think you are "hiding yourself away"

Hi,

I'm Verity's DH. Waves at Verity

Bascially they (and by this I mean my Mum, mostly - my Dad is just a grumpy embarrasment) are just desperately neurotic and insecure. We are also a very non-confrontational family and tend to let things fester (notwithstanding the call I refer to below).

Basically this whole thing seems to me to be about two things - first that my Mum thinks I don't give enough time to her / call her enough (which might well be true, but I'm busy and just don't have the emotional energy to phone up and listen to her moan about her degree and how hard it is / my siblings being useless / the latests issues with the horses), and second that because she lives a long way away she doesn't get to see her first grandchild as often as she'd like (if they lived closer and didn't have to stay for about three nights every time we see them they probably would see her more).

There is also the issue that they tend to get told off a lot when they come down - mostly because they don't think before doing things (no flash photography immediately before bed time for example), and they think that Verity is being unreasonable in setting the rules and then getting me to tell them when they've done something stupid or outside the rules. Verity, quite rightly, points out that they are my parents not hers and they are for me to deal with but I don't think they get that.

In addition, I've probably not helped as the trigger for this was an hour long phone call I had with my Mum focusing on the issues above, and I've probably summarised it badly to Verity so that it sounded more about her and less about me than it actually was.

Basically, my parents are insecure and a pain in the @rse but they don't mean any harm (I think). Verity says we aren't allowed to actually just cut them off entirely, and I'm loath to have some kind of horrid formal family summit (see non-confrontational above), so I'm open to ideas as to how I could handle things.

"There is also the issue that they tend to get told off a lot when they come down......they think that Verity is being unreasonable in setting the rules and then getting me to tell them when they've done something stupid or outside the rules. Verity, quite rightly, points out that they are my parents not hers and they are for me to deal with but I don't think they get that."

Ouch. I don't think I get that either, actually. If Verity has certain ideas then she should be the one to tell them. Do they really get 'told off'? Do you really tell them when they have done something stupid? Are you anticipating the stupidity of their behaviour? Do you think they are relaxed when they come to visit or are they walking on eggshells?

BTW, welcome Clive, if I can call you that

ps
CliveClinch

I got about a third of the way down your OP and have decided they are BASTARDS ... my god you deserve a fucking medal. BASTARDS I say!

FWIW, in MY opinion, what they call "rules" are what I would call common sense - ie please don't set the flash off right in the baby's face/while I am changing her nappy is NOT the time to try to "cross her palm with silver" (WTF was THAT about? Clive? Clive? Are you a romany and you didn't tell me? Is THAT why you have a horse?)/please don't have a 100 decibel debate in the kitchen about whatever it is you are all choosing to disagree about THIS time while my daughter is trying to sleep...

Not apparently being blessed with this common sense, yes, they have to be rules. Actually, "rules" is the word that they have used, not Clive, or me, I think. And because they are not around as much as, say, my parents, they're not familiar with her routine, so they need to be told, "now's the hour before bedtime, so it's a nice, quiet cuddly time", whereas, for example, my parents would either know this because they're familiar with how we do things, or not be there in the first place because they'd have gone home by then.

Oh, and here's another "rule": please don't hold my daughter's head above the steriliser where the scalding steam comes out.

I could go on, but because everyone seems to think I am a nice, non-complaining type, I won't.

PS Clive, your gorgeous but intractable daughter is refusing to have a morning nap again.

Hi Merrylegs []

They do get told off a lot, but then they do a lot of stupid things, like the flash photogrpahy example, handling an 8-week old when they've been on the Tube without washing their hands first and holding her over the steriliser when it is on (I mean not deliberately, and not right over, but close enough to be a risk). They just tend to be thoughtless. Verity's view, and I'm completely behind her, is that she wouldn't expect me to deal with her parents if they were causing issues so I should deal with mine in those circumstances. I'm just not very good at it, and they aren't very good at taking it.

I think they do feel like they are walking on eggshells a bit (as do we when they are around) but they could help a lot by thinking before doing.

It always amazes me how such stupid embarrassing adults can have such perfect children.

Clive you sound like a real sweetheart but they are your parents.

I think you have to think about how you would feel if, when you visit their home,they have a set of rules and regulations that have to be followed.

My brother hates going to his in-laws because his FIL complains when the children jump in the pool and splash water over the sides.

These people probably feel like two year olds when they are constantly being "told off"

Oh joy - hopefully Monkey Music will tire her out. Bit of a crossed post there as well.

No idea where the silver thing came from - in fact I'm not even sure I remember it. Am not a gypsy.

You see Clive you're as bloody bad as them with your "issues"! You ask them nicely not to do something moronic, they think it's an "issue". It's not an "issue", it's just living in someone else's house, with a little baby, and trying not to infect or maim or blind it in any way. Mountains out of molehills, I tell you, mountains out of molehills. Now that their other two offspring have finally sorted their lives out, we're back in the firing range... I knew you being the golden child couldn't last.

Bvgger this, we are off to Monkey Music.

I don't think you're allowed to say "gypsy" any more btw.

They DO have rules and regulations. They try to make me eat CHERRIES AND CHEESE together. In a bowl. It's a dessert, apparently. It's SO wrong.

Clive - tell them about how we have to get picked up from the airport without your dad actually parking the car. TELL THEM.

I am having wine this lunchtime in LPQ. OH YES I AM.

aah - this is bringing back happy memories (NOT) of when ds1 was a baby.

First, you sound like a fab couple with 'challenging' parents (Clive's obv) but...

Having read Clive's posts where some of the detail is starting to come out, I know how difficult it can be when the grandparents start doing stuff that you wouldn't necessarily do.

I honestly thought I was going to knife dp's Dad through the heart when he first shouted "SHUT UP!" up the stairs to Ds1 when he was about 3 months old and had started crying...

But.... what they're doing isn't hugely wrong, just irritating and not how you would do things - the quiet time before bedtime is a great example - you want baby all calm and grandad's insisting on jigging them up and down and playing with them or whatever.

I know it's really hard but don't forget they don't see her that much, so will do things differently or even make mistakes - it'll drive you mad, but long term you risk them not bonding with her if you don't let them do things their way from time to time.

Grit your teeth and go and make a coffee in another room...!

Sorry - not at all saying you're the DIL from hell (I wear that badge, sister!), but just trying to put forward another perspective - from my experience - with ds's now 8 and 5 and we're through the horrendous baby stage where everything is tricky and you're hugely sleep deprived.

Sorry to have wittered - hope some of that made sense!

The flash photography by the way was another one - dp's dad is a keen photographer - huge camera and flash thingy, going off all the time near ds1's face - used to drive me to the edge...

But no harm done, lovely photos taken and honestly the best thing is just to leave the room when they're doing stuff that drives you mad!

P.S. Please both of you keep posting - am loving this thread..!

No advice here, just very admiring of everybody and their tolerance (8 weeks postpartum i was willing to kill everybody, including myself, for coughing at the wrong moment) - but just wanted to say how nice it is to have a couple chatting on a thread... would love more domestic threads... dh and i could post to each other from our separate laptops at separate ends of the sofa [dysfunctional emoticon]

Cllive and I "met" on an internet discussion board (please note, NOT a dating site or a chat room - that is very important (to me, anyway)). It's just like the old days. Except with less references to Stalingrad.